Yesterday, I blogged a LABOUR of LOVE and God had me writing because it helps me to COME out of the FUNK or depression that can weigh me down.
I figured and didn't plan on blogging again today, as my Writer's Block has been pretty consistent over the past year, however --
this morning -- early morning, about 3:14 to be exact, I was wide awake and speaking to God and praying. HE met me where I was at -- GOD did.
Much has transpired in the past month ( I think I say that on every blog.) and often I want to TRY and fix things or take away another's pain, but often as we continue to walk in faith over our fears ...it is NOT easy.
Being a Christian or Christ follower does not mean things are easy. Quite frankly, when we claim Jesus is Lord, trouble seems to follow us. So often, sometimes the most trouble comes right from our own backyard or inner circle. However, God still is faithful and always is RIGHT there giving comfort, being faithful, and providing.
So, last June, June of 2019, I began this series of FAITH over FEELINGS blogged prayers. I honestly felt it was going to be about 40 days...then about 4 months, and yet, today as I do the 40th, it has been over a year.
But, as I am obedient and faithful to the Lord, HE writes these and dictates so, whatever HE has next for me to blog about - is going to be HIS and good.
At 3:30 this am, I heard the words. WRITE. So, I am going to be a bit more faithful with my writing. And I will see where it goes.
And, yesterday was DAY 40 for a particular ministry that was started back in January of 2020. It is called "Beloved". It is a group of women that mentor others and as God showed me and confirmed how my involvement was to happen, I was faithful and obedient. Then COVID hit and well .... nothing is the same is it?
At 3:30 this am, HE reminded me to be transparent and write and share. I deal with depression and it will come and go. I am 54, and have watched many around me deal with depression. Some with medication and others without. I know what works for me to PULL myself out of that cycle and I can do that pretty quickly now -- truly GOD has been the healer in that. My husband and I have prayed that the stronghold of depression does NOT continue onto our children and their children, we believe there is victory. He, GOD, gets the glory, but HE wanted me to share and be transparent to the group of women in Beloved and then sharing it here as well.
If you are interested in mentoring or being a part of the private Facebook group that supports and helps women who love Jesus mentor - contact me. I will get you plugged into our group. We WERE to meet every 40 days...however -- we have met via Zoom, we have had some prayer sessions, but HOW this has played out is NOT what I expected, and THAT is all right too.
Our next Gathering is suppose to be October 15 -- and I will let the LORD lead and see if we gather. God is the leader of this group and I have learned much this summer but one particular thing is this:
"what I THINK stuff, or events, or happenings should LOOK like ...doesn't LOOK that like anymore and THAT is OK"
I have learned that GOD is BIG enough and HE has plenty of workers that when I fail to do something I THINK I was suppose to, I need to reflect and make sure it is what HE wants me to do --- that IF HE commissioned it - I will have the time and the power to complete it and if it was something that I pushed to do, I can drop it, as HE has it under control.
And also -- that it is OK to say, I failed and did not do that - just did not have the time. Period. And there is grace.
THAT is peace.
THAT is freedom and with that freedom comes the time to DO what HE needs me to do and now...THAT doesn't quite look like I expected. As I said, THAT is Ok!
OH I pray Holy Spirit is helping you comprehend this and it is speaking to you as well.
So with that, you are getting the copied and pasted message I sent to our Beloved group this AM. And with that -- my FAITH over my FEARS series is 'done' for now.
It took faith to admit and be transparent that I spent some time yesterday in the fetal position - read below. But, God is at work, HE created me and I know that I know, HE is pleased with me.
Lord, for the one reading - I honestly pray she is reading this or he is reading this and knows that HE too or SHE too is loved and that YOU are pleased with them. I pray that the one reading, will hear my heart and hear you, as they spent this time reading. I pray that they would come back and read again or even share this with another -- to remind another that THEY too are YOUR Beloved. I pray that if one wanted to contact me and talk about depression - they would. And I pray for the next Gathering of Beloved or its NEW members... may we all be YOUR hands and feet and remind those around us -- YOU are coming back, and we are ready. In Jesus' Name - amen.
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Beloved -- yesterday was our DAY #40.
I knew it a week ago.... I watched the calendar. I prayed and avoided. These past two weeks have been HARD. Professionally -- the LORD is working out much, personally -- when our children hurt we hurt. Just do. The enemy is alive and real.
BUT God.
As 'DAY 40' approached, I pleaded with God and asked WHY--
" God, why have YOU done this?"
( Why would you give me and birth an idea for a mentoring group and then seem to allow it to be different than WHAT I had expected?)
I felt God reply:
"Why did I ask you to be obedient? Why did I ask you to speak life? Why did I ask you to show grace and mercy?"
Then, instead of God being SILENT - I WAS.
I know why.
But, as I asked God about our DAY 40 Gathering and went back to my journal and my notes about "HOW" is it suppose to look like..... CRICKETS! God was Quiet.
I go back to what I have been taught by good mentors, when God is silent -- do what HE has LAST told you to do - nothing has changed.
As yesterday approached and then happened, I sought Jesus and was literally on my knees for a Fractional part of the day, in tears.... I was reminded that -
-the name of Jesus is wonderful -
-the name of Jesus heals -
the name of Jesus... at times, may be the only THING we can say or do.... and THAT was me, yesterday.
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
I do work through depression from time to time. Yesterday was a day where being in the fetal position felt the best.
Bible reading didn't happen too much...cause I did not WANT to read HIS Word.
I did listen though and I did praise through worship and tears and played a new album by Jeremy Camp and his wife - OVER and OVER and OVER -- and Psalm 43 keeps coming back to me over and over!
But, in this depression, I have lived long enough to know, to seek some godly counsel, prayer, and then PUT into action some faith and I did. I planned to make a house call. I sought my husband's prayers and guidance along with texting a pal for prayer and then GOT out of bed! But as the day progressed, I came back to the Gathering and the enemy wanted to remind me....
"YOU sent no invites, YOU didn't plan ahead, and YOU failed".
The Enemy is a liar and most times when I type his name in a blog or something, I won't even use a capital letter E, as I don't want to give him that "PROPER" power, but Satan and his minions are real and with that capital letter E, I am claiming that he is real but NOT a power in my life. He wants to defeat me, as much as he wants to defeat you.
In praying and speaking to God early this AM...like at 3:14 am, I asked God and we spoke about the "BELOVED" gathering and I felt peace that I am to remain faithful and provide support through this group. He also told me to WRITE.
WE will be ABLE to gather again -- in HIS timing.
That even though many do not feel comfortable speaking up or sharing, HE created me to be me. I am transparent. HE gives me the ability to communicate with my words. In have not been blogging as much on my GOD WINS site. I have been writing a series of prayers - FAITH over FEELINGS and God reminded me that TODAY was the BEST way to end the 40 blogs... with a transparent confession of what goes ON in my head ..when the enemy wants to defeat me with depression and just the 'daily life' of stuff when we are walking in THESE times that HE has placed us in.
So if we were standing right next to each other in Publix or at the Gas Station and If you asked me how I was doing???? YOU would of HEARD ALL of this yesterday. That is me. But, I also believe that in sharing my hurt and my struggles, you will see that GOD can be used in EVERYTHING.
AND if I, if we...us 'older' and wiser can be pulled down by depression and our circumstances that we just want to stay in the fetal position all day -- then goodness ....there are SO many more around us that are feeling the same way. AND, we can speak into that. And so therefore, I will blog and share and be transparent and conclude that series.
Now to me -- THAT is HOW God loves me and speaks to me and makes me feel SO loved. It is kind of like those Seinfeld shows -- if you were a fan -- remember how every little weird thing or circumstance seemed to ALL tie together at the end of the show and make you laugh? WELL, God MET me at 3:15-4:27 am and reminded me of HOW HE is at work. Amen. And I laughed... and fell back asleep - and awoke with such peace and a wanting to SHARE!
So with that -- if you knew it was the gathering cause you took my letter that first time and marked your calendar .... and you wondered, now you know. And if you totally forgot - THAT is OK too! God knew. Praise HIM!
The present HARD situation within my close circle -- well, it will be OVERCOME in HIS time. As, I made the house call, I felt peace as I released the situation AGAIN to God -- and HIS hands. Again, when our children and close family hurt, it is easy to get caught up in TRYING to fix and solve, when we do best by allowing GOD to do the fixing and the solving. Praise God when that is their desire as well. It is just HARD in the meantime.
Maybe WE will be able to gather in the next 40 days -- TIME and GOD will show us and lead. Until then, if you need to chat - I love to chat and then we will pray.
I trust this finds you good -- if not, please know - THERE is ONE who will meet you too. - So humbled and honored that you take the time to read my ramblings -- Michelle
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