You hurt me, but I did not lose my security !

So, something transpired as my man and I went to dinner some time ago.   Let me set the scene. 

And I may be very detailed here, but I believe the Lord wants me to share this as it will help another - maybe one  will understand  that 'stuff' can happen to us that hurts our feelings....but it does not have to crush us and it does not have to affect our security in HIM.

(For those women doing the So Long Insecurity Book Study with me..... this relates to Chapter 13, page 245 to be exact.  ) 

Anyway, we are on our way to dinner!!    Moonswiners has become our favorite spot.  It is good.  It is in Ft. Pierce.  So it is a drive there, but we talk, pray, sing worship songs and listen to messages.  It has become like OUR quiet prayer time  but together.    I know it may sound boring or even crazy to drive out of town, but that is something we enjoy doing.    But something happened.  A hurt happened.  Words.  It was stupid, and I quickly got offended but I held my tongue.  I knew it was the enemy trying to disarm me through my husband.  I knew it was NOT the time to talk about the matter and that I had to pray it out before I could respond or 'defend' myself.  I just knew it.

Earlier, at a Women's Conference, one of the  Speakers spoke about good fights and being still and holding our voice, until the time for the SHOUT.  Like in Joshua and how the people were to stay quiet, in fact not even talk until the order came and then they were to shout after that 7th time they circled the walls of Jericho.    As Charlotte Gamble spoke, I heard Holy Spirit confirm in me, "that art of holding your tongue  -- is indeed a key principal when married".   So, I knew that I would address the hurt, in HIS time.  But, it hurt.  I had to bite my lip so I would not cry and I prayed - in my thoughts and in the Spirit. 

 I had already sent a photo to my computer earlier that  week, as God had begun an idea for a blog and I was asking Him about WHEN to share it.  Guess what -- it is NOW!  

Here is the photo, it is a screen shot of my Time Hop for   that particular Day  I think it was May 19th.      I have noticed since March of this year, there has been a post everyday from 5 years ago and from 6 years ago,  meaningful to me.   I have noticed I posted each day and several times each day.  As Six years ago I was in a  crisis of faith.  And I was using Social media as it was intended ...to share media and be social.  However, I was aware of WHAT I placed on it.  Five years ago, I was still in a crisis of faith but it was different.  I had been on a roller coaster of emotions but there has been some healing and break throughs.

So, for the past few months, I have been comparing WHAT I posted six years ago to what I posted five years ago or even 1 -2 years ago.  And with each Time Hop, I marvel at the changes that I can read just through a status update.  I can see sadness, joy, and hurt.  But I can also see HIS grace.

ON this particular day, I remember pulling into CES's  parking lot and parking by the office.  As I walked to the Kindergarten hallway, I noticed the flowers.  I  snapped  this photo from Betty Tillis's garden.  I was noticing beauty as it has been a hellish week.

The photo also showed  text of how I took some 4th graders to the VA hospital over in WPB.  I had written a grant and this was our final project.  We were spreading good cheer to the Vets that were permanent residents there.

 And then I noticed the scripture verse I posted and felt in my heart....what I was feeling that day.  You see, six years ago - I was clutching my bible each night as I crawled into bed - by myself.  May had marked the month where my husband and I separated.    But I had spent the days before I took the photo of the Sunflower in some deep therapy and counsel -- trying to see if there was hope for my marriage.   I wanted HOPE so desperately but it did not look hopeful.  It looked a mess. 

So as I said -- 

In my status six years ago, you can tell I am in need of prayer.  I have noticed that I did not specify WHY or WHAT, but I have  been reading each day since May 1st carefully.    Very carefully as I was reminded of a 'hurt' or perhaps a seed of bitterness that needed to be dealt with -- some six years later.

As the enemy would USE my time on FB against me - back then, he still tries today but he is unsuccessful now!     FB  --  it was a source of contention.  Probably about 7-10x I was lectured by   my then estranged husband.  He  was MAD as people would come up to him and ask ...."what is with your wife?"....Or, "what has happened in your house?".    (We live in such a small town. )

Six years ago, I would just yell back and say, "I am not posting anything but scripture" but it would not satisfy the upset husband- he was just hurting and frustrated and from his perspective, I was not showing any respect to him.

Each time he would fuss, I would assure him I did not say anything wrong, but he would not let me defend myself or even look to show me the "what?".  And he could never give me an answer as to whom was bugging him or alerting him to my FB account. 

So, I hope you are getting the picture here.  It was a NO WIN situation.  I know  I began to filter my posts and weighed each one in my mind..."would this status hurt or help?".  Actually, I just stopped posting as much and I just decided he could not fuss at me if there was NOTHING placed on there - period.  You see, I was determined to be RIGHT!    ( At least at that time in our lives and marriage.)

OK..so, digressed, BACK  to last night heading to Moonswiners.

Within a 30 second conversation that root of bitterness shot up quickly -- and words were spoken as I was reading FB to him and he noticed another  person spilling her  guts on FB  about her man and my man  was triggered.

"see, I am so glad you don't do that anymore"  ( this is my man)
" I never did that"   ( this is me) 
"yes you did"
"no, it was all scripture"
"now don't get so defensive, I am not trying to start an argument, but you did, cause people would come up to me and say stuff"
" who and what would they say?" 
And with that comment, I noticed both of our voices had gone to yelling mode.

THAT does not happen  - it hardly ever happens.
Quickly I said to myself, "shut your mouth".  

He finished stating his peace and I was quiet and silent. 
As now he was frustrated and other stuff was said,  hurtful stuff.
Then 3 minutes of silence.  

I know I watched the clock as I prayed and reminded God, it was HIS duty to fight for me.

But as I prayed and he continued to talk and I would answer, "yes or no".  ( one word answers) I just continued to pray.

And when we got to dinner -
"why are you so quiet?"
"I am just praying, trying to hold my tongue"
"I dropped a boulder, didn't I?"
"yes"
"I am sorry that my boulder hurt that much, I did not mean for it to hit you like that, I thought it was just a small stone"
"I accept your apology -just give me a few minutes to get past it"

The waitress came and got our order.
And in an instant -- all was well again.


So, tonight as I was reading my So Long Insecurity book, on page 245 Beth begins and says this:

Two days ago, someone I love said something to me that would of shot a poison arrow straight to the heart of any woman.  Just as my soul was about to wilt like a weed, I steadied myself and thought about our journey. Then I thought these words:  Nope, You don't get to do that to me.  I refuse to let the words you used to go from my ears straight to my security and take it away from me. Nope, not doing it.  I cried later, but I did not feel insecure.  Injured, YES..but I still had my dignity!  As because I did, I bounced back twice as fast  as I would of otherwise!     - Beth Moore, pg. 245


There, Beth stated in one paragraph what I am trying to convey in this entire blog!!!
She made a choice.

I made a choice that night.
 Injured,  YES...but I still had my dignity!  And I bounced back.


I not only bounced back, I felt the Lord urging me to get to the bottom of the root of bitterness as I asked HIM,  GOD, why  did I get so defensive right away.    God, He,  spoke sweetly to me and reminded me, cause I was so mindful of WHAT I did put out there on FB  -- as I wanted prayer and sympathy but I did not want to hurt my man.  He reminded me of HOW far we have come.

He reminded me that from my husband's perspective  - he saw and heard something else.  
He also reminded me that --staying QUIET is always best.  
He asked me about my heart and where my heart was when I posted -- did I post to receive sympathy...and quickly.... I knew ...I had.  I did.     I wanted comfort.  

God quickly showed me HOW far I have come.  
HE also gave me compassion for those women who still post the posts for sympathy...

  Then, I spent  an hour later that night, on my computer and pulled up every FB post from May 2010 to October when 'stuff' was a little better.  I read each post, each comment and I took a few notes.  And I prayed and  as the Holy Spirit orchestrated a conversation before midnight between me and my man, He allowed   my husband and I  to talk about  the car ride and the offense.
 
  Everything the enemy tried to use against us -- one way or another God protected me and him.  We know, God wants to use our story to bring hope to others.  We know we are different people than six years ago -even a year ago.

And even in this situation --   I did not lose my security in HIM. 

We are excited to be obedient to HIM and we understand the miracle that we both are.
We both were prodigals but just in different ways.

We both committed sin again our heavenly Father and were extended grace and mercy.
We both  know who gets the credit for our 2nd chance or our 2nd act.
We both give Him all the glory!

So to summarize ...ladies -- make a choice.

Don't allow insecurity to attach itself to fear or offense or spoken words by another.  Learn to be secure in Christ and deal with that other stuff -- with HIM.

And.... watch,  God brings everything around to His good -- nothing is wasted.  


THIS  car ride happened several weeks ago.  I wrote the blog but did not publish it.
MUCH has transpired since that fateful drive to Moonswiners.

This weekend, I watched a preacher, Charlotte Gambill speak about the unnamed woman in 2 Kings 4.  The story and her insight into God's Word HIT me right on the head.

As I listened to her share her insight that I know God gave her -- I was refreshed and reminded of How God does not let anything be wasted!  

God had to BRING a deeper healing to both Brendan and I back then -- because HE knew what would transpire in this past week.

Our seeds of sorrow,  were/are another's seed for tomorrow.  
God knew that both Brendan and I had to have some HARD conversations and 'therapy' almost a month ago -- to be prepared for this past week.....as He has brought us a new couple to intercede with.


So with that...

LORD... I pray for each woman reading this -- that as she experiences a 'hurt'..it won't take away her security in YOU.  And Lord, for these precious new prayer requests...for her and for him.... God, that each of them are secure in YOU.  Lord, I pray You would use both my man and I, not only to intercede but also to encourage.  May they see -- there is HOPE!   

Lord, for any marriage this eve that  is not secure --- in You.  Lord, that they would each dig deep and their hunger would be for YOU and that it would grow deeper by the moment.  
Lord, use this for YOUR glory -- protect my heart and my man's heart -- these 'truthful' blogs could quickly be used against each of us; however, I believe You orchestrated this blog and gave me the right words, even as I edit it again for the 4th time and block out stuff..... Lord, may the one reading this make the RIGHT choice.  IN Jesus name,  amen. 

Prayers for a Marriage - #14 It is just simple....God wins. ( This is probably my shortest blog ever!)

It is plane and simple.  God wins. 

It is plane and simple -- HE has to be at the head of your head and heart....first.  
You can't change him - your husband. 
You can't make it without God's grace and mercy. 
If you are in fear - with physical abuse....  call 911. 
( Being locked out of your home -- is abuse....call 911!) 


If your heart is right ....you seek forgiveness...you ask for forgiveness.... you show love... you place the needs of others first.

When their heart does not belong to their Creator -- it will be hell. 
When you step out in faith and believe in something that you can't see..... it will feel like HELL, but God is on YOUR side.


Read Psalm 25 today as often as you can -- and believe it.
Ask God to show you what you need to begin to change. 
The Holy Spirit is a pure gentleman and HE won't overcome you -- nor your man...  but God wins. 
But.... stop the insanity -- it may seem like the hardest thing you have ever done, but like a person addicted to a bottle of pills or a bottle of alcohol --- you must admit, there is a problem. 



LORD...  I can't help her -- I can encourage. 
LORD...may she seek you today like she has never done before.
LORD...  help. 
IN JESUS name.... AMEN. 

Prayers for a Marriage -- mine, yours, and others! #13

I got some really good news today.  On  FB today someone posted something that caught my eye!    And it was good.  I mean .....there has been a turning point -- someone's eyes have been opened.   A marriage is being restored......there is a wanted to make it work.  There is a fight -- a good fight for it! 

I did a praise dance.
I sang LOUDLY in my car.
I texted  someone to make sure I was not seeing a joke..... and she stated that there indeed has been a turning point.  I was so proud of her...she was not doing the posting -- he did.  She has learned to wait and 'shout' only when God prompts her!  

THEN I prayed.  And I asked a few women I love dearly to pray MORE....and differently -- as when a husband and wife make the choice NOT to  divorce and fight for their marriage, you know  for darn sure that satan will come back with vengeance.

So, I went digging in my archives of my blogs.  I wanted to find a blog  I had written about 'restoration'.  But  the Holy Spirit did not lead me to any.

"one notch above cautious"...... THAT was my frame of mind for a good year after the turning point in my marriage.  When any of my closest prayer partners asked me, "how are things going?"   I would just say, " I am believing, praying, and I feel one notch about cautious".  

The key thing for me was TRUST.

Trust....Paula Reinhart writes an awesome book: 

Trust hangs somewhere between knowing what your heart longs for and trying to dictate the shape or timing or outcome of your heart's desire.     
It lies in the willingness to accept the particulars of how and when and where God chooses to intervene.  It waits in the cool shade of surrender.   - Paula Reinhart

Paula Reinhart says that the root of trust comes from being grounded in the fact and knowledge that you are LOVED by God.

That no matter what, as long as I am loved by God..HE will lead me to the light in this cruel world.   Do I know that - that I am SO loved?

 HIS word says I was so loved before the foundation of the world.

Learning to trust my husband  was hard, but I trusted  him through my Lord.
I trust him now, with my heart!  

Learning to trust God, has been something I have been working on for YEARS but I can say this now -- I trust God with everything.  

Now, I reminded myself that I must
 trust God when it comes to this couple and their healing.

However, the 'harder' battle to work at this marriage and grow together in a new way may be even harder for them than filling out the divorce papers.

Both my man and I totally support and implore couples to get counsel.  Godly counsel and professional.   Marriages just don't end and people just don't wake up one day and decide to file for divorce.  The frustrations that caused a separation need to be dealt with.  I did blog before about turning points and trusting and in that blog -- the key element  or turning point for both my husband and I was when we BOTH decided to be obedient to God.

I had made that decision a littler sooner than he did, but that did not make it any easier.  God has to be the center and the One we look to to meet needs.


Paula says, "if we let ourselves be loved by God, our hands release their grips on the reins of our lives and we stop trying so hard to be the one with all the answers".

God has the answers.  I don't.


So God,  I pray, show each of them -- what to do next....may they slowly reconcile and do the necessary work to be healed, healthy, and whole as a couple and allow the restoration within their family -- cause I want to be able to 'send' couples to them.....they need to be your hands and feet as a testament of  YOUR grace, mercy and victory!!  

Paula says this too:

God is always good.  If life is like a deck of cards, then God is always the wild card.  He is not subject to our human efforts to influence outcomes, we are subject to HIS.  His story is the great story being told- and none of us  know exactly how our own story will read - only that it will end well!  This is why we trust, in the important matters, always feels like a risk and why it entails courage.  

God does not have to explain Himself to us, we worship a God who is mysterious - too mysterious to fit into our formulas.  It means God is not our best friend, our secret lover, or our alter ego...HE is our God.  It evens means that it is just as frightening as it is delightful to stand in HIs presence.  Our creative relationship with God is one in which we are, at the same time, both irresistibly drawn to HIm and humbled by the grandeur of his holiness. 

 So, God, I pray that this couple embraces their relationship with Your first and then show them what is next.  Lord, protect her heart and help her trust through YOU.  Lord, protect his heart and may godly counsel be embraced so that this marriage can get back to being WHAT you intended it to be.  And I pray that they will be a testimony of Your glory.  Lord, bless her for being obedient -- for seeking godly counsel, seeking your word and for being accountable to me -- and Lord, as she moves into "one notch above cautious"....may she just reach and dig deep into Your loving arms as your work to change his heart.  .  

Please forgive me....

Please forgive me, I had an expectation of you that was not met and it hurt my heart.  

Please forgive me, I had a frustration and felt for a moment ---you are not committed.

Please forgive me, I had an expectation that was not met and it created thoughts a bit where I questioned what was a priority in you. 

Please forgive me ......   God clearly showed me my error and HOW wrong I was. 

Please forgive me......  for the expectation that YOU should of been as committed as I am?  

Oh...NOT that one,  that confession, hurt to type.

Please forgive me, as I had an expectation and expected you to fill it.
Please forgive me, as I felt YOU are not as committed as "I" believe you should be.  

Ok Lord,  I began the blog confession that You clearly wrote in my head and heart yesterday morning while I was hosting PINK.    But THIS Is hard.   THIS could be misunderstood.  THIS could cause an offense.  THIS could turn someone seeking you -- off.  But Lord, this may also speak to the one you want...the one you want to return to you, wholeheartedly and with repentance because there has been something other than YOU at the top of her heart. 

Ok Lord,  this is going to be a delicate blog to post -- as ONLY YOU can protect the hearts that read it ...I do not want to add guilt or shame, but use this to speak so personally to the one or two that will read it.  

....squirrel...  as I am blogging this early am, I have worship music playing behind my screen.  Right now I hear Chris Carnes  ( Kari Jobe Carnes's honey) sing.... "the Cross has the final word".

It places everything into perspective.

That song places everything into perspective.  Let me explain.....


I spent two days with a group of 40+ women.  Actually, I spent the weekend with 9000+ women.  I am part of a team at my church that has been given an assignment -- Women's Ministry.  I know of the  assignments God has given me.  I pray that was grammatically correct, but He has laid on my heart some ideas and events that HE wants to use to draw women in.

   I learned  so MUCH this weekend and God confirmed that He is using me at this time....as He knows, I will give HIM the glory.  One of the speakers taught us about being CALLED and being SENT.  All are called.  We all have a calling, but God is the one who sends us.   His timing is perfect and He sends us when He knows...we won't rely on ourselves...when our self-reliance is gone...so that all will know HE did 'this' or HE  gets the glory.

My self-reliance is gone.  There was NO way this past weekend could of happened without many helpers but also because of God!  It was all God!  

I believe He confirmed in me that HE has SENT me.  I am ready.   I am just the 'conduit'...the 'culvert'  being used to help connect women to women.  I am just being used to help provide resources and prayer.  I am being used by HIM...but all glory goes to HIM.    All glory.

God showed up in a mighty way and we, the women at the PINK Impact Conference these past 2 days,  could feel HIM as present as the 9000 women who were in attendance in Fort Worth Texas 'live' last weekend.

 God does that!

For me... if the music is played loud enough and if my  heart is cleared and open to receive, it does not matter if it is a tape delayed presentation or a live one -- God moves.

God speaks.
God delivers.
God was present.

And I wanted that ...THAT for so many more.  
I just wanted THAT for so many more.  

So I questioned myself or allowed the enemy to whisper..."you did not advertise it like you did last year".  "You did not specifically ASK those to come, you only sent a link or a social media invite".   And, "you did not fast  for this event...you should of".

Those thoughts lasted  ONLY about 10 seconds, as the enemy does NOT defeat me that quickly anymore. I have gained some ground as I am secure in Christ and quickly reminded Satan, "there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus".

But I still WANTED  this for many more. 


I confessed on Saturday morning to the women in our sancutary, I wanted MORE in attendance.
However, I knew that I knew, as my precious husband reminded me that morning and the evening before..."THIS Is NOT about numbers Chell, this is about hearts". 

   My husband gave me that insight.

My husband  who is very aware of numbers.
My husband who 4-10 years previously...would of NOT cared about a person's heart.  Well, he did care...but he was not worried about their connection to Christ.

My husband, who was a part of the prayer that bathed this event for the past few months.
My husband, who is wise and who seeks God's counsel and uses God's word to encourage me.  

So, as I said,  I did want MORE in attendance but God quickly reminded me through several...the ONES that came, where God ordained and appointed.

( And Mrs. Griffen, thank you for that reminder and confirmation today on your FB post!!  I may sound confident, but God still uses precious people to confirm what HE says to me.  I know that I know all of my affirmation must come from HIM and THAT is what HE is presently teaching me and training me to endure -- but when a sister in Christ gives a sweet affirmation, my heart immediately smiles! )  


....squirrel....sorry -- back to the attendance...

It did not matter if there was 100 or 5 in that room -- HE was there.  HE appointed this time.  HE anointed the event and it changed people.   

And I knew instantly, HE, God,  would  provide THAT or THIS for you --
YOu... the one I am seeking forgiveness from -- YOU...but it will be in HIS time.   

So, again, please forgive me!

  
Please forgive me, as I had an expectation and expected you to fill it.
Please forgive me, as I felt YOU are not as committed as "I" believe you should be.  



So  God has me there...  here.... having a heart to HELP women... having a heart to share God's goodness and tools to get freedom!!  


 However, God reminded  me over and over...HE draws you near, and He saves...not me.  

And HE uses HIS word to remind and teach me and to 'reproof' me.......

Thessalonians 5New Living Translation (NLT)

5 Now concerning how and when all this will happen, dear brothers and sisters,^[a] we don’t really need to write you. ² For you know quite well that the day of the Lord’s return will come unexpectedly, like a thief in the night. ³ When people are saying, “Everything is peaceful and secure,” then disaster will fall on them as suddenly as a pregnant woman’s labor pains begin. And there will be no escape.

This passage reminds me, time is short! 

Later in Thessalonians --  

¹¹ So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

Paul’s Final Advice

¹² Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. ¹³ Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.

¹⁴ Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.
¹⁵ See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.
¹⁶ Always be joyful. ¹⁷ Never stop praying. ¹⁸ Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
¹⁹ Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. ²⁰ Do not scoff at prophecies, ²¹ but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. ²² Stay away from every kind of evil.


His assignment for  me is to plan, provide, and, encourage--

So please forgive me, that I looked to you and expected something that God did not ordain at this time and moment.  

So please forgive me  -- I prayed for you and asked HIM to surround you in such a way that your heart yearns and longs for Him. 

So please forgive me....God may be Lord of Your life but I judged you - wrongly.  
I had an expectation that I placed upon you -- please forgive me.  

And perhaps this blog post has reminded you that .....HE is drawing you...
And perhaps this blog post has convicted  you, as you  ignored the event because you allowed distractions .....please know,   HE is drawing you close...   This is not about shame! 

GOD is right there with you -- just talk to HIM.
 Allow HIM to speak ....  allow Him to remind YOU how He formed you in your mother's womb and He has known about this day for all of your life.

Allow Him to draw you close, just clear the places so your ears can hear -- HIM.

Lord, OK...I did it.  I blogged.  This was a tough one.  But as YOU showed me how to circle well, I can rest in the fact that I know -- THIS is one of the ways you speak to Your people.  
I may not have written affirmation for each blog that we write together that it has indeed changed a life, but I look forward to our time in heaven when the BIG Jumbo-tron is brought out and I get to see the seeds I planted and what happened.  Until then....I will TRUST only YOU in these matters and I pray the enemy stays AWAY today....as even last night, after a big and glorious weekend -- HE attacked and tried HIS best to worm his way into my evening ...but YOU won.  As you always do but YOU will win when it comes to me...as I am bound and determined to live that life...worthy of Your calling...  IN Jesus name.  Amen.  

Sister Wives, Love Boat, Zombie Remodel, and Me

Psalm 94 vs. 16-19 in the Message bible says:

Who stood up for me against the wicked?  Who took my side against evil workers?  If GOD had not been there fore me, I never would of made it.  The minute I said, " I 'm slipping, I'm falling, " your love, GOD , took hold and held me fast.  When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. 

 The photo right here was snapped exactly 6 years ago.  May 12, 2010.

Today I had a bit of a wrestling match or a pity party with God.  Not with Jesus...God.  Let me explain.   And I pray I did not grieve Holy Spirit as I did. 

I know how significant this photo is. It was a night where my kids were trying to help me get a photo taken with my new I phone.  I had crossed  over.

  Six years ago, I also spent the afternoon watching a few children give their Tropicana Speeches and a good 90 minutes with my counselor --an intense session where  forgiveness was the topic and task.  That is what  God asks us to do  -- so why today did I wrestle with God?  

I am not sure.... probably because this life is HARD and I just needed to wrestle with God today! 

Maybe my activities this past weekend added to my thoughts and my wrestling today -- ??

This past weekend, I watched a bit of the Sister Wives drama.  I was intrigued- I admit.  There was scandal and rumor of an affair.  After an hour of watching interviews, fast forwarding through commercials and stupid stuff -- I came to this conclusion -- they need help and prayer!   I told Bren later on, all I kept hearing over and over was, "I am different now, I don't know what I  want, I just need to research what can make me happy, I felt...and I ...and I  and I ....".  There was so much of ME ME ME ME ME ..... and their needs, their desires and with each interview I found myself yelling at the TV -- YOU need Jesus!!  ( Lord, why am I watching this?)   Not that NBC or TLC would ask me, but each of those women need Jesus and a good dose of  Psalm 139.  They have such holes within their lives and hearts.  They have been deceived.   THE ONLY redeeming thing I got from that show was to hear the older children of these women ... they WON'T do the plural lifestyle...they have all decided -- they want ONLY one person to marry.

Praise God.    I thought about that  -- the joy I get from seeing my child enjoy her marriage and the joy I get from praying for my son's future wife and family -- I enjoy that.  These women  will watch and hear this over and over - how their children don't want to walk in their footsteps.  

I felt that spoke VOLUMES.         They will have to watch their children and their choices for all of their lives and be reminded that their children choose NOT to follow their example.  Sad.   There are many mixed up people.    There are many that need Jesus! 

 Love Boat, yep - life seemed much easier when that show was on every Saturday.  And Zombie Remodel is a new show my man and I have found -- kind of cool watching them fix up old homes in Orlando! Perhaps thats what I want from God ....a zombie remodel!!     Yes, Lord, take this 'sore' and old body and remake it -- new!!  Amen. 

So...there is my head and my thoughts --I do want some radical things around me to change.  


And then....


Who stood up for me against the wicked?  Who took my side against evil workers?  If GOD had not been there fore me, I never would of made it.  The minute I said, " I 'm slipping, I'm falling, " your love, GOD , took hold and held me fast.  When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.  



Who stood up for me against the wicked?  God has -- HE won.  And right now, even though I am frustrated with some choices a few around me are making -- or have made....  He knows.  

God will stand up against the wicked for YOU too.....

Who took my side against evil workers?  God has.  God did.  6 years ago I made a conscious decision to sit with a therapist and put Satan in  a chair and tell him off.  I also placed other 'symbols' in that chair and I made a list of WHAT I need to forgive,   WHOM I  needed to forgive, and then I did it.  I  forgave and freedom was declared.  Now as I left her office to go home, I did not feel very different but I had made a choice to believe God.    I decided to 'faith it until I felt it'. 

God will take YOUR side as well -- but, is there unforgiveness that needs to be dealt with?  Is there anger that must be revolved? All  it takes at first is a cry to Him --

If GOD had not been there fore me, I never would of made it.  God reminded me today while I was wrestling with Him that He is not passive and HE is at work.  

 I  borrowed that thought or truth from Ps. James.  He reminded me of that this past Sunday.  God is continually pursuing His children.  I have been watching those around me and deciding whom should get a cattle prod zap and whom needs to get on their knees and that watching is NOT what He wanted me to do.  I had to repent the 'fixer' in me.    

God also reminded me that I must wait and be patient when it comes to this or that...and I have to have faith when it comes to this one or that one.  

Do you feel the same?  If it were NOT for Christ -- would you of made it?   Thank Him right now for what He has done and know -- He is not finished yet!!  

The minute I said, " I 'm slipping, I'm falling, " your love, GOD , took hold and held me fast.   God did that the minute I cried out back six years ago and He did that again today when I cried out.  I actually sent an email to my husband and asked him to pray for me. 

 Then God brought me a sweet precious sister in Christ where I could vent and through her, HE reminded me that when I slip -- He is there.  Whether I am bothered by a hang nail,   another's sad plight, or even the answer to a question that been prayed for ....now for over six months!!   Another sweet woman reminded me about Moses this past weekend and how God spoke to him and gave him an assignment and with that assignment, He reminded Moses that He was the I AM.  So therefore, the I AM knows my head and heart today and as I wrestled with God, HE knew the outcome.  He knew Jesus would be there to pick me up and He knew Holy Spirit would teach me to dig deep and believe -- not because of WHAT I have seen God already do, but because I know that I know -- God will provide, win , and that He is a good good father.  

I caught myself pleading with God, "Lord, I have been faithful - why can't you HURRY on this one prayer..." And as that precious sister reminded me -- "Michelle, I think He wants you to be still and wait".    Probably. 


If you are slipping and falling right now -- HE will meet you right where you are at!  Just call upon and call out to Him! 
 
 When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. God did.  It is in those moments where I know -- my flesh wants to have a pity party and cry and yet my head and heart knows -- there is NO need cause God has delivered me and provided.    THAT is the wrestling....and I just need time for it to pass -- to call upon God.  And God will answer those prayers for those other women -- just like HE met me today.  I am human.  He knows.  


Lord,  there are several women today that are in dire stratights.  They need a miracle - yesterday.  Lord, they love you and You know them best.  Provide.  Lord, that each of them, seeking you will read Your word this eve and be able to say ..." I am slipping and I am falling".... That they would be able to journal or blog a WHOLE bunch of HOW you met them.  As Lord, I can't meet their needs -- ONLY You can.  Lord,  take this burden from me.  Lord,  that this frustration from me.  Lord, allow me to SEE the work of Your hands.  I will be Yours hands and feet, but in these moments where it seems like there is a stalemate or MORE crud is revealed  ...and it hurts my heart - give me the words to share from Your Word.  Give me the patience -- I know you have GIVEN me patience already but I need some EXTRA patience -- just send one more angel on my behalf to whisper in my ear -- I want to hear from You even more Lord.  I want to do Your will even more... I want that LOVE You have for all of me and others to spill out of me - to others.  Use me Lord.  

And Lord, for that one this eve that is ready to quit -- help her.  In Jesus name.  Amen.  
May she wrestle with You Lord like Jacob did -- and be changed forever.
Amen.  

A Different Mother's Day -- being HELD by HIM.

Being  ...held......

Refugee mother and child.

So a few days ago  I wrote a blog about being held -- being held by God.   All this week, HE has been forming and writing  a blog about mothers as well.  Today,  "being held"  is something HE wants me to continue in this blog--



A few days ago, I shared research about the word HOLD and being HELD in the bible. 



These 2 verses were found:  
   2 Thessalonians 2.15    So then brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

   1 Titus 1.9
  He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

Then I found this:   the word HOLD with a capital "h" is found in 11 verses in our bible, 9 chapters, and 9 books.....that version is  more of the noun hold....

Psalm 119.117   Hold thou  me up, and I will be safe; and I will have respect unto thy statutes continually.

I have been thinking about Mother's Day all week - and thinking about the Mother's that are in a very HARD place right now.  And, I thought of a few first time moms as well. 

Then I came across this.  The word HOLD with a capital H is there 11 times but the word hold with a lower case 'h' ......is in 167 verses...167 verses....49 chapters....35 books...I was astounded.

That is the verb hold !   an action!   God is holding us! That is a present- active VERB! 

One of the first actions a mother does -- is HOLD her child. 


Psalm 139.10    Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

Proverbs 3.18  She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her and happy is every one that retainith her.

Isaiah 41.13  For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, fear not, I will help thee.

That last verse...spoke life into me many times and if you read the blog a few days ago, I shared a story about how God illustrated to me HOW HE has held me.

 But today .....  as I came to school, Holy Spirit spoke and I knew HOW He was going to use this knowledge of holding .....some mothers today.  It overwhelmed me! 

   As I entered school today, I saw a mother sitting on the bench waiting for the student that she attends to each day.  He is a child with some major behavioral issues and yet, over the past 9 months, she has mothered him and he is now a different child - for the better.     He was not speaking when he started school.  He speaks now.  God even orchestrated his lunch time today, to  be when I ate lunch, as I believe God wanted me to see evidence of this God ordained little one and HOW God meets every need.  I watched him communicate at lunch today with the lady whom has been placed as his aide.  In August,  he was unable to function in a normal classroom so our Principal had to hire a person to attend to him  -- that was the  beautiful young mother sitting there on the  school bench this am.

 I know her - only through  school, but I have been able to watch her for five years now as she was a 1st grade paraprofessional and then she moved to other grades,  moved out of state, but God brought her back  and this year -- she is the sole assistant for  this little boy.

 She has become a mother/teacher to him.   Earlier this year, God also allowed her to   became a mom for the first time as well.  She glowed, she was so excited.  However,  Jesus called the little one home and he will spend his first Mother's Day with Jesus.   I have thought about this new mom over and over in the past few weeks.  My heart broke when she had to say a temporary good bye to him here on earth until she sees him in heaven.  I thought about her first  Mother's Day -- 


God knows I prayed for her when she was trying to keep him in her belly and I prayed when the news came that he had gone to heaven.   And I trust God is sovereign and that she will be a mom again, but indeed this Mother's Day will be different. 

She is not the only Mom that has dealt with the loss  of a  child.

 My own sister  watched  an ambulance come and pick up her 17 year old, after he had taken flight to be with Jesus.  It happened at home, quite simply -- he went into a deep sleep and Jesus came and took him.    It was a very hard time.     He would be 25 now, he and my daughter are 11 weeks apart.

I can still tell you  what I was doing when I got the call  from my sister and how the next 4 hours went and how the next week went....and I can even tell you how the next month played out.

It seems hard to believe -- that  was almost 8 years ago.    Mother's Day...Birthdays...all of them don't really get easier -- just different.

 He wasn't my son, but I claimed him.  He spent MANY a weekend with me .....and traveled to school with me and even sat in my classroom for the better part of a year when he was in 1st grade.   My sister has two other  precious  children through her  husband and marriage .....but I have been thinking about her all week.  As Mother's Day approached and 'how' it is different for her.

It has been different for her for some time now. 
I have been thinking about her Mother's Day for some time now. 

In my own world, my husband and I have an empty nest.   I prayed and asked God to bring both my kids home on Sunday for church and then a meal -- how I relish and covet the time we get to spend now with them. 

I have been thinking of my Mother's Day all week -- 

One of my first friends in Okeechobee had two small kids when I moved her and met her.  She had a cowboy for a husband and I met her through her in-laws.  They were new friends of  my in-laws.  Other than my husband, she was truly one of the first people I 'hung with' at the  Cattleman's Rodeo here in Okeechobee.   Those first 3 years here, there were TWO Cattleman's Rodeos and I enjoyed selling tickets and watching her kids play about the Arena.   As I began my teaching career, we had some  mutual friends but she was a part of a family that I saw often.   I was blessed  a few years later to have her youngest  son as my 3rd grader.  And as she taught in various schools across Okeechobee our paths crossed a lot.  We spent a LOT of time together working on some math stuff for  almost a year in Okeechobee when FCAT began and then time and space moved in .....and she moved to a different county and eventually a different state, but I have fond memories of her.

I have been thinking of her all week and I have been thinking about her Mother's Day -- 

She is a mom of two adult children,  but now she is battling an awful disease  - Alzheimer's.   I have prayed and realized  the disease has taken its fullest toll.....yet, I thought of both of her children this week -- and what Mother's Day is like for them. I even spoke to her sweet daughter-n-law and asked "how" things were.  Again, another Mother's Day -- that is different.  Both of those grown adult children would  love to see and have their 'mother' back but that is not happening at the moment. 

I thought of another dear friend who lost her mother just before Christmas and this will be the first Mother's Day without her.  It will be different.  She is still grieving.

I thought of my own mother and how we disagree on some very important issues in life and yet -- I would not trade any bit of strife, fun, or tension right now and thank God that I still have here here to share recipes or text messages with and I praise God  for her -- as God planned for her to be MY mom even before He planned for Joyce to be her mom!     But Mother's Day has been different for 28 years -- as I have lived 1400 miles away from her for the past 28 years..... I have never really been close to invite her to dinner or take her for a spa day....  and I know I owe her 28+ gifts as it is easy to just send a card......   thinking about Mother's Day.....


As my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures this week with memories of their mother's and posted the photos that 'MADE' them moms....I thought of their Mother's Day celebrations --

I have thought about several mothers around me that have children that are so lost right now, making poor poor life choices, and mothers that are dealing with children that have literally taken EVERYTHING  but the kitchen sink from them.    What  is their Mother's Day going to be like? 

 I have thought about and prayed for the moms around me right now that are fighting for their children by holding onto a marriage that is in crisis.  I have thought about a few moms that I know who have children with special needs,  health issues and even a mom of a  5th grader who is going through surgery at the moment so she can continue to grow as she walks with braces and spends most of her time in a wheelchair.  I also thought of the moms of my students - some I have met and others I have never met because they are absent from their child's life or they have gone to heaven already. 

I have been DOING a lot of thinking....well, I have.   A lot of praying too!  

I have a new student who joined my class a few months ago.  She is 11 almost 12.  It was 2-3, maybe even 4 years ago where she lost her mother.  In the past 5 years, I have hesitated in doing the typical, "mother's day" poems and gifts as each of my students have different situations at home.     I did the Mother's Day poems this year and she choose to write a poem about her mom in heaven.  It touches me so - and I believe it brought a good deal of healing in her heart!   I thank God for this new student, she has been a breath of fresh air!     However, her cousin....  I remember, very clearly, about 5 years ago when I asked  him  why he would not write a poem about his mother and he just looked at me and yelled, "cause she's in jail".   Needless to say, this child  had counsel and he is doing  well in middle school.  He lives with his dad and step mom.    I see him in the hallways  or when he is teasing his cousins.  He is a regular attender of FCA and after I speak to him, I always walk away and pray for him,  his family,  his mother, and his Grandmother. 

However, I thought about that mom  and her Mother's Day.    I was blessed to have  her  other son in my class last year.  And I thought about the Grandmother who  has been raising her grandchildren as  both of her daughters have been absent.  I thought about the Grandmother's Day -- 

  I have thought about women who  have struggled with infertility and singleness and the longing to be a mother.   

And I thought of Mary.  The mother of Jesus . I thought about how she watched him all her life and then as he became a man....how he walked away from his mother and family and began His work for His Father.  And I thought about how Mary's  Mother's Day would play out...   

And that brings me back to being HELD....

Casting Crowns has a song called, "Be held".  The Lyrics are here: 

Yep, that is my kid's head. She was 7! The flip side of this craft has a poem!

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Lord, for the moms...for the children that can write a poem!

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go

I started off with  the idea of writing a blog about Mother's Day.   Truth be told, I wanted to write something as a gift for my sister, but in this past week, as I have prayed and spoken to God about this blog ...it has been a gift to ME!

 I pray this blog has made you think, uplifted you, and also -- reminded you that indeed -- Mother's Day should really be EVERYday!  

I am unsure what type of mother you are or what your relationship is.  Maybe this blog post has reminded you of hurt, sadness , or maybe this blog post has given you perspective  and you are thankful and grateful. 

Sunday is Mother's Day.  Anna Jarvis started a campaign for a Mother's Day back in 1908.  In 1914 it became America's FIRST official holiday.  Later in her life, Anna would campaign trying to get the holiday taken BACK off the calendar  because it quickly became a holiday where the commercialization of it made her so upset.   Let's face it --  we all get caught up in the holiday - right?  I mean, Mother's should be honored everyday!

I am unsure how Your Mother's Day will play out -- but I do know the ONE who can hold you whether your Mother's Day is very different, hard, sad, or joyous .....  either way -- God can minister to us through the Holy Spirit and through Jesus!   


Lord, this is a rather different blog post.  I pray it encourages another.    I pray the women that are represented in this blog post will see it as a good thing and I pray that they will realize that YOU are using them as they walk through their own losses and struggles.  

Lord, I know watching and praying for the different mom's I shared about this week has  me thinking and looking at this official holiday in a new way.  I pray comfort and peace to those precious moms who are in pain and filled with sadness. 

Lord,  I pray joy and peace onto those in the battle with wayward adult children and/or teens.  I pray Your will be done in the lives of each and every child represented through this blog -- spiritual children  or the ones you created. 

Lord,  I pray Your will be done in the lives of the young mothers and  those that will be future mothers.  Lord, You are the ultimate nurturer -- may each woman that reads this tonight -- or tomorrow -- may they know and realize that they can GO to YOU and be held -- and experience a beautiful Mother's Day with Joy ....in spite of it being different!   IN JESUS name, Amen.
- michelle

When you feel unloved -- and need to be held......

  

Being  ...held......

I was thinking about a beautiful woman and we prayed for her  and their marriage.  
She is hurting right now -- cause there is a crisis of faith.  

But I am pretty sure that several reading this --  whom could be in a similar place--

Are you are seeking God for something ....and maybe Your marriage is in a state of crisis.  
Do you need to be held?  
 

Natalie Grant wrote this song called "Held" after a friend of hers lost a baby.  IT has circled the Christian Radio charts and I believe I have purchased her CD 2-3 times and given it to people when they have experienced the death of a child....it is comforting to know that God does HOLD us...we are being HELD.


 I did a little research on the word held..or hold.... The Dictionary says,  1.  to have or keep in the hand, keep fast, grasp.  2.  to set aside, to reserve or retain -- like to hold a reservation.  3.  to bear, sustain, or support as with hands or arms or by any other means.  4.  to keep them in a specified state, 'the preacher held them spellbound'. and 5.  to detain, the police held him at the station for questions. 

Held.....then I looked up some more info...The noun held means an act of holding...as a verb, it means to remain in or continue being held.....Did you know there is also definitions for ...
hold back....
hold down....
hold forth....
hold in.....
hold off....
get ahold of .....
hold one's own.....


Then 2 verses were found:  
   2 Thessalonians 2.15    So then brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

   1 Titus 1.9
  He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

Then I found this:   the word HOLD with a capital "h" is found in 11 verses in our bible, 9 chapters, and 9 books.....that version is more of the noun hold....

I wanted to write down each verse, I will site a few of my favorite:

Judges 18.19     Nehemiah  8.11     Job   13.13
Psalms 17.5   Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.
Psm  109. 1    Amos  6.10    Zephaniah 1.7
Mark 1.25     Luke 4.35       2Tim 1.13
Psalm 119.117   Hold thou  me up, and I will be safe; and I will have respect unto thy statutes continually.

I stopped and pondered why those two verses really STUCK in me....I remember many times in my life when I would beg God to hold up my goings in thy path....and just HOLD me....up....

And in Psm. 119....hold thou me up...JUST HOLD ME UP...how many  times I begged and pleaded that on my behalf. 

How about you...are you begging God to hold you up?

 IF you are, let us stop right now:
Lord, for my sweet sister or for whomever is reading this.....they or she or he needs you ...hold them...hold them up.  Amen. 


Then I came across this.  The word HOLD with a capital H is there 11 times and the word hold with a lower case 'h' ......is in 167 verses...167 verses....49 chapters....35 books...I was astonded.

That is the verb hold !   an action!   God is holding us! 

I did not write down each verse but a few that spoke volumes to me.

One of my life verses:  Exodus 14.14    The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
Psalm 139.10    Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
Proverbs 3.18  She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her and happy is every one that retaineth her.
Proverbs 4.13  Take fast hold of instruction, let her not go, keep her, for she is thy life.


Isaiah 41.13  For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, fear not, I will help thee.

That last verse...spoke life into me many times over the past seven -eight  years.   I don't wish to bring up the past, but I have to share this one story...of HOW this verse spoke life back into me.

   My husband and I were separated.  Our son was headed to Louisiana for a soccer tournament and my husband was very kind and did not expect to travel with us, as he knew our time together was hard, very hard but after prayer, I knew,  he deserved to be able to attend and enjoy the soccer.  It had been a planned trip and Taylor was traveling with us.  Arrangements were made and our time together was difficult but "ok."

  WE spent a week together as a family and enjoyed  Hunter's  team and their wins and their heartbreak loss on the last day.  The in between times were VERY hard, as sometimes I could only smile for so long and pretend for so long that all was well.  Each evening we would pick a restaurant and sit as a family  and each of us did a good job with keeping conversations 'right'.  Anyway, like I said, at times, it would just get too hard to bear and I would excuse myself and head to the ladies room.  At which I would get sick, either lose my lunch or supper or just spit up dry heaves and then look at myself in the mirror and hold my hand up in front of it and recite this verse.

Sometimes I would cry it out, sometimes I had to be very discrete, but I had to remind myself over and over that HE was holding my hand.  HE was going to get me through this and HE would make all things new.  HE did.   The Holy Spirit would take over.  I know this...NOW,  but then, I was literally grabbing onto the promises of God every 2-3 minutes.

 I would be able to wipe my tears, recompose myself and head back to the supper or dinner table and smile and just be thankful for the four of us - enjoying time together.   I was SUCH a good actress.  I had to be.

 It was a difficult week.  The kids and I shared a King sized bed and my husband  slept on the floor.  Many nights were spent in prayer as I could not sleep between two kids that literally tossed and turned as they slept and I would hold my arm up in front of my eyes and focus on my hand and recite that verse...and imagine that God was RIGHT there...holding me and being my RIGHT hand......it was a verse I came to paraphrase and repeat often.

Now, bear in mind...that may leave a sad taste in your mind about my husband ..but don't let it.  I want to tell you that for the past 3 -4 years, I fall asleep each night in his arms...he holds me very tight and waits for me to wiggle out of his grip.  When I awake in the am, he must awake too as he will turn over and quickly grab me and hold me tight.

When he first began to do this, I would just lay there and think...."how long will this last?".  Then it continued and after a few months of expecting it to quit....I awoke one morning and I could hear the Holy Spirit remind me -- "THAT is how God has held you - TIGHT and now I am using your husband to remind you - God is still here."  


 "THAT is how God has held you - TIGHT and now I am using your husband to remind you - God is still here."  

 "THAT is how God has held you - TIGHT and now I am using your husband to remind you - God is still here."  


This am, that happened again.   Well, I think it happened.  I was so exhausted and slept so sound that at dinner this evening we were talking about  getting up in the middle of the night and taking bathroom breaks and then falling back asleep and my husband began to remind me that 3 times he spooned me and 3 times I wiggled out of his arms.   ( I secretly think hot flashes are beginning!) 

And God reminded  me tonight ...'see....I continue to hold you...through him'....Brendan can be the person on earth that can show you physical love and hold you and remind you that YOU are deeply loved by the Father. 


I believe that.  That brought  even more healing to me RIGHT now, as I was praying for another whose husband is being a TURD right now.   ( please note,  turds were terms of endearment as a child....it meant you were being a BIG stinker!)    

Holy Spirit reminded me of something that was triggered by Time Hop this am.  Time Hope showed me a post I placed on FB 6 years ago.  6 years ago I was chaperoning 40 4th graders to Barnes and Noble and then to McDonald's.  As I thought throughout the day -- I could remember THAT field trip and the bus ride.  I could remember EXACTLY what I was praying for that day and whom I spoke to.  Quite instantly ...the enemy wanted to take me back to a place of deep hurt.  Quite instantly, the enemy wanted to remind me  or see if he could get me to doubt -- the relationship I have now with my husband, but more importantly -- God.

As I drove home, I was unable to connect with my husband the immediately the thoughts began to flood my head.  So I turned on the praise and worship music and SANG all the way home........  and when I finally GOT to connect with my man -- God used him to remind me -- HE holds me, period.

Yes, it is pretty cool that my husband can be God's huge arms right now -- but no matter what -- it has to be GOD that meets every need.  I know my hubby is not perfect and each day, I release him to Jesus -- Jesus has to meet his every need as well -- as I will fail him -- I am not perfect.

Humans fail us.  They just do.  


Revelation 20.2
And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years.

Yep...God wins.  Period. 

Lord, I thank you so much, for holding me.
PS...don't let him stop....I still need it - daily...even though I know YOU can hold me without being here...and I know I am so loved without him holding me...I am just saying...it feels so so so good. 
Even if I am beginning to get 'hot flashes' and push him away -- may he always just continue to pull me close.  Thank you . 

Amen. 

I love  him Lord, but I know that I know, I love you more...there is a proper order now - amen. 
And Lord, I thank you for our past -- as it has formed our destiny.  Amen.
And Lord for the one reading this that needed a reminder -- that just needed to read a 'good ending'..may she dream this eve and see a vision of her good ending.  May she see -- soon, a light or flicker of HOPE that her man will....one day....hold her too.  IN Jesus name. 


- michelle

To Whom it May Concern --

Marriage is suppose to be forever -- right?

 Until Death do us part?
In sickness and in health? 
This is an image of a random couple but just by looking at the photo -- MUCH can be said!!!!  

Some how ...some way...   this couple MADE it.  You can tell from the photo they have been married for several years.

Look, they are both smiling and holding the photo of the two of them as young lovers.  He has his arm around her and they both are still smiling!  

My sister celebrated her 16th year of marriage last week.    My cousin and his wife celebrated 26 years as well last week;  and  my husband and I will celebrate 29 years this coming August!! 
My parents celebrated their 50th last summer, and in fact, last Sunday it was officially 51 years!!

Longevity, steadfastness.......   Or Insanity? 

May 1st just happened.  CNN has been running the specials about the OBL mission, as he was killed on May 1, 2011.   But May 1st has a different meaning for me.   It is a mile marker date for me.  It's a date that comes on the calendar once a year and I reflect. 

It was a night some time ago---I laid  in my bed, alone,  confused, broken, bewildered, and devastated....wondering what on earth had happened ....to "us". 

That night I had a dream, a vision of something that blessed me - in between the tears and restless sleep.  A dream of renewing our marriage vows in front of family and friends. 

I believe God gave me that vision, that dream, that night  - cause HE knew what would hold me and what I would focus on as the next 2 years of hell played out.  He knew what I needed cause HE created me.  HE placed the urge in me to win.  He placed the urge in me to keep faith and He placed in me the wanting....  I believe God places that wanting  in all of us.

He created us - He formed us in our mother's womb in His image.   We were created to worship and fellowship with Him.  The other people in our lives were created for the same purpose.   Marriage was God's plan to help us learn to love sacrificially.  Period.    Loving another more than yourself is indeed a concept.  It is easy to understand how we can love our children more than perhaps the next door neighbor's kid --- but loving another more than ourselves.

 Jesus was the ultimate example -- God loved the world so much that He gave us His only son and Jesus went to that cross on our behalf because he loved US that much!

Loving THAT much hurts.  Jesus was hurt on that cross but He stayed put and died for us.  He died for me and He died for you.  

Anyway -- THIS is not about me this eve.  This blog has been written a few times within my brain and it even made its way to paper and pencil -- but this evening - it is making it to print.  Blog.


When my husband and I were separated, I would SEARCH the web for anything and everything that could possibly HELP.   I came across so many blogs and posts about marriages working 'it out" and yet, for each positive result, I could find and read 2-3 negatives ones -- even in the Christian Circles.  However, I had hope and still believed that some how - some way , God would   OPEN his eyes.

And, I remember I came across this one letter --  "to whom it may concern" and I cried and prayed that some how and some way  --- "Lord, if only my husband could read this , he would repent and our family could reunite!".


However -- that never happened. 

We can't manipulate God. 

Nor...can we change free will ....or can we?

Nor, can we WISH something to happen.  Even when we sincerely believe that a blog post, a photo, or even a note or text from our spouse COULD change the situation....it usually does not.     Our TRUE HOPE is in HIM and HIM alone.  

HE has to be it.
HE has to be our everything so that we can walk out this life. 

I didn't believe that in my own power and strength I could change my husband's  mind at that hard time: but I did believe that with God , nothing was impossible.  And In  all things-- God is faithful and nothing was too difficult for him.  I also believed that  HIS Love covered a multitude of sins. 

Through God -- through prayer, fasting, tears, counsel and faith -- somehow - someway ...a miracle occurred.    God won. 

But now -- today -- there is another that needs a vision to hold onto - an answer.
There is even another that has watched and waited for a LONG time and she is so tired....she is ready to quit and I DO NOT blame her, in fact...I am sitting here secreting cheering her on...  He does not deserve her!! 

But God...   I must even in my anger over seeing another precious woman deal with this hurt and pain -- I must allow God to be God.... and I will pray for a miracle in that marriage and in THAT one too! 

However,  with this prayer -- I am going to first post - "MY" To Whom it May concern! 




TO Whom it May Concern:  

Do you realize what you are giving up? 
Do you realize what hell you are placing your children through?  
Do you realize why you are in this place right here and right now?   
Do you realize that YOU will regret these choices?   

I know it -- I have seen it.  So therefore, I ask -- What would God really WANT you to do today?  
What scriptures have you read today?  
Where in that bible of yours does it say ---- "its ok, the kids will be fine without their dad speaking life into them?".  

Where in that bible of yours does it say -- -" I can do what makes me feel good!". ???
Where in that bible of yours does it say,   "You deserve a better ending to your life -- and you deserve a fresh start!".  ????

To Whom it May Concern -- your wife is trying to hold your family together.  She can't keep this up much longer.  God is moving within your family and with your life - don't you see it, or will you remain "blind" to it??   

Sincerely,
Another person that is hurting this evening as she prays and watches ....


Ok Lord, 
I got it OUT.  To Whom it May Concern - good thing You are God and I am not as if I had the ability right now to SMACK that person -- I would.  I would use a cattle prod or a taser and enjoy watching the pain for a brief moment as I am tired of crying with the wife.   

However...But YOU God are sovereign.  I know you will bring beauty out of these ashes, whether he figures it out or not -- You love them both -- the entire family.    He will have to deal with You.  He will have to account for his sin.  Lord, for her right now .... hold her - guide her and show her what You want her to do next....

...file for divorce?   
...wait on You?  
.....or just be still for a moment?     Lord, that is what I told her to do -- just sit for a moment and be still before you and LET you make the next move.  We still believe in miracles.  I still believe that You can orchestrate someone printing off this blog and giving it to another so his eyes will open.... I know nothing is wasted and it has taken me almost a week to get this blog written and then posted...as YOU have been tendering my heart to show grace and mercy as well when I just want to use a cattle prod...  I love you Lord.  I am thankful You allowed the grace and mercy extended to me in my time of stupid selfishness...so I will extend it too.  

Hold her Lord.  Touch those kids...  
May the RIGHT person read this today and know -- that You God are in the business of making us new.  

In Jesus name, Amen.