You hurt me, but I did not lose my security !

So, something transpired as my man and I went to dinner some time ago.   Let me set the scene. 

And I may be very detailed here, but I believe the Lord wants me to share this as it will help another - maybe one  will understand  that 'stuff' can happen to us that hurts our feelings....but it does not have to crush us and it does not have to affect our security in HIM.

(For those women doing the So Long Insecurity Book Study with me..... this relates to Chapter 13, page 245 to be exact.  ) 

Anyway, we are on our way to dinner!!    Moonswiners has become our favorite spot.  It is good.  It is in Ft. Pierce.  So it is a drive there, but we talk, pray, sing worship songs and listen to messages.  It has become like OUR quiet prayer time  but together.    I know it may sound boring or even crazy to drive out of town, but that is something we enjoy doing.    But something happened.  A hurt happened.  Words.  It was stupid, and I quickly got offended but I held my tongue.  I knew it was the enemy trying to disarm me through my husband.  I knew it was NOT the time to talk about the matter and that I had to pray it out before I could respond or 'defend' myself.  I just knew it.

Earlier, at a Women's Conference, one of the  Speakers spoke about good fights and being still and holding our voice, until the time for the SHOUT.  Like in Joshua and how the people were to stay quiet, in fact not even talk until the order came and then they were to shout after that 7th time they circled the walls of Jericho.    As Charlotte Gamble spoke, I heard Holy Spirit confirm in me, "that art of holding your tongue  -- is indeed a key principal when married".   So, I knew that I would address the hurt, in HIS time.  But, it hurt.  I had to bite my lip so I would not cry and I prayed - in my thoughts and in the Spirit. 

 I had already sent a photo to my computer earlier that  week, as God had begun an idea for a blog and I was asking Him about WHEN to share it.  Guess what -- it is NOW!  

Here is the photo, it is a screen shot of my Time Hop for   that particular Day  I think it was May 19th.      I have noticed since March of this year, there has been a post everyday from 5 years ago and from 6 years ago,  meaningful to me.   I have noticed I posted each day and several times each day.  As Six years ago I was in a  crisis of faith.  And I was using Social media as it was intended ...to share media and be social.  However, I was aware of WHAT I placed on it.  Five years ago, I was still in a crisis of faith but it was different.  I had been on a roller coaster of emotions but there has been some healing and break throughs.

So, for the past few months, I have been comparing WHAT I posted six years ago to what I posted five years ago or even 1 -2 years ago.  And with each Time Hop, I marvel at the changes that I can read just through a status update.  I can see sadness, joy, and hurt.  But I can also see HIS grace.

ON this particular day, I remember pulling into CES's  parking lot and parking by the office.  As I walked to the Kindergarten hallway, I noticed the flowers.  I  snapped  this photo from Betty Tillis's garden.  I was noticing beauty as it has been a hellish week.

The photo also showed  text of how I took some 4th graders to the VA hospital over in WPB.  I had written a grant and this was our final project.  We were spreading good cheer to the Vets that were permanent residents there.

 And then I noticed the scripture verse I posted and felt in my heart....what I was feeling that day.  You see, six years ago - I was clutching my bible each night as I crawled into bed - by myself.  May had marked the month where my husband and I separated.    But I had spent the days before I took the photo of the Sunflower in some deep therapy and counsel -- trying to see if there was hope for my marriage.   I wanted HOPE so desperately but it did not look hopeful.  It looked a mess. 

So as I said -- 

In my status six years ago, you can tell I am in need of prayer.  I have noticed that I did not specify WHY or WHAT, but I have  been reading each day since May 1st carefully.    Very carefully as I was reminded of a 'hurt' or perhaps a seed of bitterness that needed to be dealt with -- some six years later.

As the enemy would USE my time on FB against me - back then, he still tries today but he is unsuccessful now!     FB  --  it was a source of contention.  Probably about 7-10x I was lectured by   my then estranged husband.  He  was MAD as people would come up to him and ask ...."what is with your wife?"....Or, "what has happened in your house?".    (We live in such a small town. )

Six years ago, I would just yell back and say, "I am not posting anything but scripture" but it would not satisfy the upset husband- he was just hurting and frustrated and from his perspective, I was not showing any respect to him.

Each time he would fuss, I would assure him I did not say anything wrong, but he would not let me defend myself or even look to show me the "what?".  And he could never give me an answer as to whom was bugging him or alerting him to my FB account. 

So, I hope you are getting the picture here.  It was a NO WIN situation.  I know  I began to filter my posts and weighed each one in my mind..."would this status hurt or help?".  Actually, I just stopped posting as much and I just decided he could not fuss at me if there was NOTHING placed on there - period.  You see, I was determined to be RIGHT!    ( At least at that time in our lives and marriage.)

OK..so, digressed, BACK  to last night heading to Moonswiners.

Within a 30 second conversation that root of bitterness shot up quickly -- and words were spoken as I was reading FB to him and he noticed another  person spilling her  guts on FB  about her man and my man  was triggered.

"see, I am so glad you don't do that anymore"  ( this is my man)
" I never did that"   ( this is me) 
"yes you did"
"no, it was all scripture"
"now don't get so defensive, I am not trying to start an argument, but you did, cause people would come up to me and say stuff"
" who and what would they say?" 
And with that comment, I noticed both of our voices had gone to yelling mode.

THAT does not happen  - it hardly ever happens.
Quickly I said to myself, "shut your mouth".  

He finished stating his peace and I was quiet and silent. 
As now he was frustrated and other stuff was said,  hurtful stuff.
Then 3 minutes of silence.  

I know I watched the clock as I prayed and reminded God, it was HIS duty to fight for me.

But as I prayed and he continued to talk and I would answer, "yes or no".  ( one word answers) I just continued to pray.

And when we got to dinner -
"why are you so quiet?"
"I am just praying, trying to hold my tongue"
"I dropped a boulder, didn't I?"
"yes"
"I am sorry that my boulder hurt that much, I did not mean for it to hit you like that, I thought it was just a small stone"
"I accept your apology -just give me a few minutes to get past it"

The waitress came and got our order.
And in an instant -- all was well again.


So, tonight as I was reading my So Long Insecurity book, on page 245 Beth begins and says this:

Two days ago, someone I love said something to me that would of shot a poison arrow straight to the heart of any woman.  Just as my soul was about to wilt like a weed, I steadied myself and thought about our journey. Then I thought these words:  Nope, You don't get to do that to me.  I refuse to let the words you used to go from my ears straight to my security and take it away from me. Nope, not doing it.  I cried later, but I did not feel insecure.  Injured, YES..but I still had my dignity!  As because I did, I bounced back twice as fast  as I would of otherwise!     - Beth Moore, pg. 245


There, Beth stated in one paragraph what I am trying to convey in this entire blog!!!
She made a choice.

I made a choice that night.
 Injured,  YES...but I still had my dignity!  And I bounced back.


I not only bounced back, I felt the Lord urging me to get to the bottom of the root of bitterness as I asked HIM,  GOD, why  did I get so defensive right away.    God, He,  spoke sweetly to me and reminded me, cause I was so mindful of WHAT I did put out there on FB  -- as I wanted prayer and sympathy but I did not want to hurt my man.  He reminded me of HOW far we have come.

He reminded me that from my husband's perspective  - he saw and heard something else.  
He also reminded me that --staying QUIET is always best.  
He asked me about my heart and where my heart was when I posted -- did I post to receive sympathy...and quickly.... I knew ...I had.  I did.     I wanted comfort.  

God quickly showed me HOW far I have come.  
HE also gave me compassion for those women who still post the posts for sympathy...

  Then, I spent  an hour later that night, on my computer and pulled up every FB post from May 2010 to October when 'stuff' was a little better.  I read each post, each comment and I took a few notes.  And I prayed and  as the Holy Spirit orchestrated a conversation before midnight between me and my man, He allowed   my husband and I  to talk about  the car ride and the offense.
 
  Everything the enemy tried to use against us -- one way or another God protected me and him.  We know, God wants to use our story to bring hope to others.  We know we are different people than six years ago -even a year ago.

And even in this situation --   I did not lose my security in HIM. 

We are excited to be obedient to HIM and we understand the miracle that we both are.
We both were prodigals but just in different ways.

We both committed sin again our heavenly Father and were extended grace and mercy.
We both  know who gets the credit for our 2nd chance or our 2nd act.
We both give Him all the glory!

So to summarize ...ladies -- make a choice.

Don't allow insecurity to attach itself to fear or offense or spoken words by another.  Learn to be secure in Christ and deal with that other stuff -- with HIM.

And.... watch,  God brings everything around to His good -- nothing is wasted.  


THIS  car ride happened several weeks ago.  I wrote the blog but did not publish it.
MUCH has transpired since that fateful drive to Moonswiners.

This weekend, I watched a preacher, Charlotte Gambill speak about the unnamed woman in 2 Kings 4.  The story and her insight into God's Word HIT me right on the head.

As I listened to her share her insight that I know God gave her -- I was refreshed and reminded of How God does not let anything be wasted!  

God had to BRING a deeper healing to both Brendan and I back then -- because HE knew what would transpire in this past week.

Our seeds of sorrow,  were/are another's seed for tomorrow.  
God knew that both Brendan and I had to have some HARD conversations and 'therapy' almost a month ago -- to be prepared for this past week.....as He has brought us a new couple to intercede with.


So with that...

LORD... I pray for each woman reading this -- that as she experiences a 'hurt'..it won't take away her security in YOU.  And Lord, for these precious new prayer requests...for her and for him.... God, that each of them are secure in YOU.  Lord, I pray You would use both my man and I, not only to intercede but also to encourage.  May they see -- there is HOPE!   

Lord, for any marriage this eve that  is not secure --- in You.  Lord, that they would each dig deep and their hunger would be for YOU and that it would grow deeper by the moment.  
Lord, use this for YOUR glory -- protect my heart and my man's heart -- these 'truthful' blogs could quickly be used against each of us; however, I believe You orchestrated this blog and gave me the right words, even as I edit it again for the 4th time and block out stuff..... Lord, may the one reading this make the RIGHT choice.  IN Jesus name,  amen.