First off, I am sooooooooooooo sorry and humbled that you show me GREAT mercy and love. Period.
Lord, I know I am to show that to others, and quite frankly it is EASY to do that when I am such a sinner and backslider myself....I am humbled. I see my imperfections and I am tired of trying to hide them.
Lord, I am confessing to You, and writing to You today, but You already know my head and my heart; but in my own frailty, it feels better to speak to You rather than the others I really need to confess too.
Who would I confess to? The people who think I am some sort of perfect person, which I am not. I am really just tying my best to be real and live in a fallen world but focus on HIM instead of the world around me. However, I fall short .....every day. Everyday.
Lord, when Uou allowed my ears to hear the 'sin' and my eyes were opened to my own sin, I grabbed a hold of you so fast and never let go. THAT need, that HUNGER came in an instant.
The past 2+ years have been the most hard, hurtful, and yet BEST years of my life. I have needed you so much.
When I think of what had to happen so that I would finally WANT YOU Lord, again, I am humbled.
I longed to see your face, hear your voice and just be held by you. And Lord, YOU did. YOU showed up. You allowed me to see Your face in others, in Your word, and that time at my Encounter too, I still believe I got to see the glow of your Presence.
Lord, I have heard You too, through others, through situations, and through Your Holy Bible. Lord, I have been held too, by others and their hugs, by Your Word, and by You through my husband. You remind me Lord, every time I wake up now- he is there, and he pulls me close into him and I know that is YOUR way of reminding me, YOU are Lord.
But Lord, forgive me. This summer I have had lots of time to do stuff, but mostly I have kept busy doing stuff that I believe was for your kingdom. And, I thought that was good. I mean, I had to work, family stuff, and so forth, but my one on one time with you had gotten put on the shelf. My prayer time was still there, my praise and worship was still there, and there was bible study....but not God and Michelle time. I knew it. And I believe the Enemy knew it too.
I mean, that quiet quiet time when I tell others, I need to be with God and alone. When I actually say, 'no' I have to get something done instead of saying 'yes'. Or, I get on Facebook or emails, or even my time when I send cards and write to people -- all good things, but it has crowded out my One on One time with YOU.
That time when I just read your word to read your word. (And You know who you used to speak that direct word to me - my Pastor - did he know he was speaking for You to me that day?)
That time was taken up by other stuff, and as I reflect as the summer is coming to a close - it has been one of the BEST summers in a long time. So, I will not dwell and allow the Enemy to beat me up over what I did not realize - it was not intentional. However, the Enemy has been able to get me on that roller coaster that we GOT off of... it sort of came back... within my head. If that makes sense - well, it makes sense to YOU Lord. It was not the BIG roller coaster - just a small one, like the "Whizzer" at Great America. ...One that still goes up and down, but does not go upside down. Ha ha. Lord, thank you though....as YOU knew, what was going to transpire and what would make me go up and what would pull me back down and yet, through it all -- you have had another right there, showing me each and every day now, what was missing.
Your daily bread.
Yep--- Thank you for the Scripture in Exodus 16 and Numbers 11....again, some 2000+ years later, YOUR word is alive and active, and clearly showed me, convicted me, and blessed me of what needed to change. It is me.
Lord, the Israelites would of starved if You had not provided the manna. I love how You use words. Manna in Hebrew is translated whatness....Beth Moore says..whatchamacallit. I LOVE that. We used that word over and over as a kid. It was my Grandma's favorite word. Every time I speak it, I think of her. Lord, today, through Your word you taught me again, That YOU use the ordinary. That YOU are pure and want a pure heart. That YOU provide for today, no need to worry about tomorrow.
( This you know Lord, really hit me. As I ponder and worry about our upcoming anniversary and want to 'celebrate' it in a worldly way -- but THAT is not what you asked of us..... Just the fact it is our anniversary is CELEBRATION enough! Enough. To see a love rekindled..to see a relationship rebuilt and restored is present enough. To see a lost one turn around. I am so sorry, I wanted my cake and wanted to eat it too. Oh Lord, I am humbled.)
Your word also taught me today that I do not need to know about tomorrow - YOU win. Fourth, that You give according to the NEED. And You illustrated that to me so perfectly. And, finally five, You provide Great MERCY. The Israelites wanted to go back to Egypt, they wanted to go back because they were not getting the 'blessings' they expected. Oh Lord, forgive me.
And, it is all because I was not seeking you in just that SPECIAL quiet time. YOU Lord, had been reminding me, often, all summer. I guess, now when it CLEARLY hits me, and I confess -- Lord, keep me accountable. But You knew that too. How much mercy you show me. I am so humbled. I believe writing this out - keeps me accountable. I want to be real before everyone and I believe many of us moms and wives get so battered down because we don't feel we 'measure' up to others -- I know I don't. BUT your great mercy and grace....covers me. It covers ALL who SEEK HIM.
Lord, my time with you today will not be forgotten. I will seek YOU out, ME and YOU time, and it won't be for naught!
I love you Lord, I thank you for great mercy and kindness....
Your grace is always sufficient and YOUR arms are always open to give it but will my arms be open to receive what YOU so graciously offer? YES. YES....YES.............
Lord, the world offers plenty of 'quail' to satisfy our hunger, but if we stuff ourselves without satisfaction...what good is it? Only YOU can and YOUR provision can satisfy a starving soul. I wish I could claim I thought of that -- that was Beth as You know...
I am the one that has to gather, for me...for me first and then I can be a whole person filled with Your grace and mercy and it will ..spill onto others.
Lord, as you know, I want my light to shine so that others will know it is YOU --it has to be YOU.
Thank you Lord, for direct and special ME and YOU time today. I thank you for Brendan, Dave and the others who have ministered to me this summer and have brought me to this revelation. And thank you for Beth Moore as she shared an answer You gave her that directly answered my question. May I always be one that SEEKS and gathers, may I WANT that. And Lord for the others around me, may they WANT it too. As You will provide the manna.
Thank you for the whatchamacallit illustration.
I love you Lord. I love you with all of my heart. I know that it is a pure love. I know it is not just cause you have 'healed' me or 'restored'...it is cause YOU died for me, and all the extra stuff You bless me and us with ...is the cake.....is the manna....is what brings me just peace and JOY.
Beth Moore speaks how people would tell her, 'you will loose the zeal' and she replied, "NO LORD, may I never lose this".
LORD...may I NEVER LOSE this....thinking of You and what you have done for me, still can bring tears to my eyes. Beth Asked: When was the last time you got on your knees in HIS presence and thanked HIM for what HE has done - Oh LORD, I did it today.
You are my BEST pal and confident.
I love You Lord.
Amen.
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