Going to get personal here. Protect me, in that if you wish to contact and discuss this privately, we can discuss this. If you wish to state your opinion, cause you don't agree with me, as a comment - you may, but state it constructively.
I am sharing something that has been on my heart for some time now and I had to ask myself, Lord are you sure I should share this? HE was. HE had to remind me of something this past month. Praise God HE disciplines me and no one out there -- can see it...and I get to 'save face'. But....with that -- I felt I could share and help another -- hopefully. As I believe God uses this blog to speak to hearts.
"Quit the verbal bla bla bla bla bla......bla......"
There was a time in my crisis of faith that I had a 'right' to fuss. I mean, I was wronged...I was betrayed....I was.......
And I was ugly. For a good month - maybe 60 days. I was ugly. Verbally. Mentally. I 'vomited' on anyone who would listen and I said WAY too much to my kids. If you were close - you got an earful. If you called me - I probably shared WAY TO MUCH. I never really posted anything on Facebook, but the bible verses I quoted or put as my status were those of a wounded soul that needed comfort and love. I wanted responses -- I wanted comfort. I WANTED someone to defend me and stand up for me. I did.
They were more narcissistic in nature. That is not me. I don't want to be remembered for that.
Ephesians 4.29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
There was a post I did on my son - "excuse me, you were never taught to swear..." I don't even think I will go back in the archives of my blog to find the actual title-- as I really don't want to revisit that one. I know it was well written. I few other moms said, "way to go" and "I hear you loud and clear Michelle"......but.....it was not the right forum.
I wrote that blog because, my son was choosing to use words that he was never taught in our home. I was angry and mad at his father - it HAD to be his fault. It HAD to be his choice of friends. He was a teen and I should of dealt with it privately, but I wrote a blog post and shunned him and every teenager that was his friend. And the result -- many of his friends blocked me on Facebook. He blocked me. He stopped posting. He stopped talking. And he 'tattled' to his dad. And it was not good.
That was not the ONLY time my words got me in trouble. I learn the hard way.
Even today, I spoke words to another that should of been kept in confidence...well, I thought they were in confidence, but I put my trust in 'MAN'....and even tonight - MY HEART is sick of how I hurt another. I have sought her forgiveness....and she extended it, but it will take a good bit for her to trust me again. And she has a right to be leery. I was wrong.
I made a couple of other references here and there on Facebook and what was the result? ......My estranged husband-- at the time -- just had MORE FUEL to hold against me and the enemy just used it to remind him, "see, she is a loose cannon and can't be trusted". Lies. But I fell into the trap. I did that. I allowed myself to take a root of bitterness and then 'bitched' on Facebook. After those two quick experiences, I learned to guard what I posted. My dear sisters in Christ knew when to encourage me and I vented to a choice few and coveted their prayers....but for the rest of the world..... they needed to see Jesus within my words.
I know Social Media is just that - social verbage... We share photos, we share the highlights of our day, and some of us post when we are headed to the store, when we are SO happy, and when the next GATOR game or soccer game is. I get it. I do it.
I post for my Wisconsin family.....they hardly call anymore ( hint hint) - but I can see photos of my nieces and nephews on FB. And I post to share what is on my heart. I use Facebook to ENCOURAGE and let the loves ones who love me....see what my heart and head are thinking.
I also look and watch to see what my Christian friends and old classmates are up to. I love FB. I enjoy it. I am a type of person that will write a card rather than call...I feel freedom in expressing what is on my brain rather than telling it. I laugh at times, cause someone will say, "oh I don't do Facebook" but when you are with them -- they TELL exactly the same stuff - just in a shorter amount of time -- and they share info about others...and they just give you the verbal info - in person. And I admit, sometimes, I don't make conversation cause I already KNEW that info....as I saw it on FB, but most often, FB gives me the chance to follow up and actually make conversation when I see the person at the grocery store, or elsewhere. As I said, I like Facebook.
I figure if you don't like me -- or what I post - you will just delete me, block me, or put me on the list where you don't see my posts in your newsfeed. And THAT is OK. I do that too. There are people that I have 'off' my newsfeed - but I go and check in on them.....as I can't handle WHAT they are posting ....but the Holy Spirit has not released me to block or delete them. I figure -- God knows.
But with the good -- comes the bad.
At the time of my 'earthquake' or crisis of faith, Sandra Bullock was all over People magazine and the talk shows about how much grace she was showing to her husband...and how she had 'taken' the high road. Unlike other celebrities that kiss, tell, and then tell again. It sort of struck me - how quickly the media noticed she just decided to be quiet.
I got quiet.
I think being quiet says more. There are posts that I read and I want to kindly tell that person -- did you reread that? Is that showing the lost the light of Jesus in you? I have this ' HALT' acronym in my bible. I got it from Beth Moore or Carlie Huckabee...unsure which one - both are EXCELLENT bible teachers and wise women. But, it says..."halt" ...before you speak - ask yourself, is it being said or written while you are hurt...or angry? Are you lonely or tired? ......WE can't let our emotions control what we do and say. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. We need to show self-control, especially if we claim to be a JEsus FREAK one moment ...and then allow the enemy to use our words or our actions to remind another LOST soul...we really are NO different than them.
Anyway -- as stuff got BETTER in my home, I was delighted to watch the responses to the better posts and to certain phrases. "God wins" is one such phrase because, THAT is what I had to tell myself ...to believe that NO matter what I was going to BE OK -- no matter what the circumstance or outcome of my personal crisis of faith would be.....and no matter what-- GOD does win. HE wins daily when we allow HIM to work within our lives.
So back to -- QUIT the 'bitchin'...Whoops ...I did not edit that word out this time. I think I just wanted to write/type that word a few more times.
I need to wrap this up - this has gotten longer than I intended. My husband and I were separated - in September of 2010 - God clearly showed me and confirmed to me, that I needed to LET my husband see me SMILE - ALL the time. No tears. No whines. No 'what if's'. I had not been to my Encounter Weekend yet, so I was STILL not trusting God, but I was obedient. I knew that I was to smile and EACH time I was in a hurtful situation or something was revealed, or something was said, I would TURN the other cheek and smile and cry later. I would cry - later - alone in my car on the way home, or alone in my room. I would vent and cuss in my journal -- but...NOT on Facebook -- even if my husband NEVER had a Facebook Account to see.....the enemy USED it and he would find out anytime I slipped and posted something that seemed of concern.
I could illustrate this point with an example - but it would get too personal -- and that is not good. Trust me.
I even had to be careful as to WHOM I vented to. I had 2-3 people close to me that I could vent to and I knew I would not be judged and I knew they would NOT hold it against my husband....when restoration came.
Ephesians 4:30 - 32 says Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one anouther, even as God in Christ forgave you.
Hurting people hurt others. Getting beyond a betrayal or a major offense is hard.
But....allow GOD to shine through and if you will be obedient and LET HIS goodness and grace come forth OFF that status...instead of the hurt.....YOU are going to be rewarded - I bet instantly.
God knows it will take time. God knows triggers will flare up and you will need to walk through them. Most 'hurts' did not build up and happen within a few days -- many took YEARS before they were released or revealed...so it may take a good year or several months to allow the hurt to heal. But....moving forward and making sure you are OPEN to forgiveness and extending grace and mercy is a daily obstacle. Only GOD can walk you through that --
As God wants you to be a light - in the darkness.
Humbled and grateful that you spent the time to read to the end of this...and I pray - Lord, for the one who needed to hear this...I pray it is received in love and with grace and mercy. I would never wish to harm that one.....In Jesus name, Amen.
And, Lord for the one I did hurt today - I pray she knows - my heart and it was NEVER intended to hurt or harm her -amen.
I have a thousand "if only's" and one is missed daily.
ReplyDeleteNot knowing till death parted us. And someone told me at his grave.
It has been 22 years ago, but I still wonder, "if only" he were here.
Yes, life is short, but it gets longer if one is alone.
Thank you for posting, I still like reading what you post, here or on FB.