Healing a Wounded Heart #2 & Big scary prayers!

My heart was a bit wounded this past weekend.
A sweet woman went home to be with Jesus and her Lord on Monday. 
It was hard seeing her battle to breathe when I had a very short visit with her on Sunday. 
I LOST it.
But...God held.


I want others to experience the JOY only HE can bring.
I want others to believe in something that CAN happen with HIS help.
I want people to have growing faith - that WHEN they get beyond their own hurt and crisis...they will then PRAY it forward and speak life into another.


I really do.  I WANT all that good.

But as we walk in this world and enjoy HIS blessings, we also experience wounded hearts.
Even when we LOVE HIM.... HE allows stuff, as this world is not HIS.... Our world with HIM -- is eternal! 


Psalm 34.18 says:  "the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".  

I have a sort of  a continued discussion with a sister in Christ.  She says 'her pain'  was more  devastating.  More crushing.
I say, 'pain is pain'.  I know that when I was rejected and broken hearted -- there were days, MANY days when ALL I wanted to do was GO to heaven --  check out -- don't pass 'go...don't collect my $200'...( that is a reference from the game of Monopoly).

I would never tell her that my pain equaled her pain -- I did not experience what she did.
But now that God has healed and restored the earthquake that fell upon me -- I realize that when another sister in Christ is in pain -- her pain and hurt is real and that she may just want to check out too -- -- it is THOSE women, I want to say -- GOD WILL and CAN heal.

So, I reminded myself on Sunday after my visit with my sweet sister in Christ that was in ICU -- that  God is close to the broken hearted..me and HE saves those who are crushed in Spirit.

 But ...Her Spirit was not crushed.

 She loved the Lord and fought her battle with cancer with the most grace and dignity I have seen in a long time.  I am thankful I have seen few woman that have fought hard.  And I am thankful it has only been a 'few'... I don't want any of my LOVED ones to walk in that path of brokenness, that path of   hurt, cancer, ...nor do I want them to cause an earthquake of such.....



I recalled:

In my most darkest and brokenhearted days -I did NOT want to get out of bed.
I did not want someone to tell me it was going to be 'ok'...I WANTED it fixed and yesterday!
I was TIRED of praying and waiting.
I WANTED answers and I wanted to know - that all would be well.
And on many of those days - I wanted GOD to come from heaven and SMACK some people around - I did -- I wanted JUSTICE...what the hell did I do to deserve this hurt?

This world is broken.  This is not our home.  I never did anything to 'deserve' this...but I was/am a sinner and  mercy is for the just and the unjust.... God showed me mercy.  I needed HIS mercy.

Unfortunately -- the only one that could really help me  was God Himself and He was at work - I just could not SEE it.  So then comes the TRUST factor.

I was 44...almost 45.  I am now 49.   I would of argued with you - I 'knew' Christ and trusted Him.
But I had NO CLUE.  After God allowed a revelation - it took 9  more months before I finally  -- really  -- allowed God to be MY EVERYTHING...NO MATTER what.  It was THEN...that God could begin a 'new' work within another.  I say 'new' work, cause I knew God was working all that time on him as well -- but, it was different now.  When we truly TAKE our hands OUT of the situation and TRUST God - and WALK in that trust...God will let us 'see' a bit into WHAT HE is doing.

 Just TRUST.

So, Sunday, I called upon God - to quickly HEAL her....or take her.  I HATE having to pray that, but in HIS mercy and kindness...I would WANT that prayer said for me.

I would.  

I know God was holding her when I went to visit.
He loves her - just as much as me.  Just as much as HE loves all his children.  Her final healing had to come in Heaven.  

I am so certain she is dancing and enjoying her brother and the others in the great cloud of witnesses that saw her walk and live her life.  She was a Proverbs 31 woman.

  God's will is to restore.  God's will is to heal.

I was blessed with the privilege to stand around a tree at a place called 'Central' and we called upon God on her behalf MANY many MANY times.   When she was diagnosed ( 5 years ago )  and then  a little later when it seemed the cancer was trying to return.

That was about 4 years ago.  I won't forget it, cause I had just returned from a Women's God Encounter Weekend ( and I know I know - I have shared a LOT about this - bear with me - humor me )  and I was ON fire...I had seen some miracles and  physical healings  and I just believed in the power of that anointed touch.  I knew we were going to be praying for her that morning and I felt led to 'touch' her with oil.  I called a friend  on my way to school and asked for the scripture I needed to make sure 'I did it right'.  Anyhow, we met at the Tree, we prayed. I cried.  We believed.   Many prayers were said and God honored all of us and her..... And she was given more time.  I can't remember the exact details, but I cried then too when I prayed.  I basically just looked at her and told God -- she can't die yet...she is needed.  Period.  End of story and I can still see her smiling - she had an infectious smile.

And she did get a reprieve.  I believe she had 2 good years... she came back to work and she retired from the School System.  She was such an assets to all of us that worked with her.  !!! 

I remember one conversation in particular with her, it was shortly after her diagnosis with lung cancer, it was the end of the school year.  June 2010 and I was returning to my classroom to pack up, as it was after 5 and she was heading home.  Every year, it was almost comical, but 'where' was the speech room going to be...???  If Mary Ellen was given a hole in the wall..she made it special for her students.  She was indeed moving again 'that' year to a new spot and she was doing what I was doing - organizing but now heading home.    At that moment, I was an emotional wreck and IN MY own world of earthquakes and 'me' and we began to talk.  As I was concerned about my son, wondering as to WHAT to do.  She shared  a story about her older son and we cried, prayed, and I took her advice - and it gave me great peace.  Then she began to tell me about Psalm 23 and how she was memorizing it and used it as her prayer.....and again, God used her - to teach me.

I am so thankful for that conversation.

I had many more.

I won't share about the pin worms ...and the 'how'...that was one of the first conversations in the Teacher's Lounge one day -- early in my Okeechobee life.   And the story about 'poop'....and several funny stories about her husband and on Sunday as my tears fell and the Holy Spirit reminded me -- I was filled with such a smile.

 As she was around Central  -- she ALWAYS had the most stylish clothes and I would comment on them and want that CUTE  body.   And I told myself, when I 'grow' up - I want to be that classy!!

2-3 years ago when I lived in her neighborhood -- I  would see  her riding  her bike around town - watching her ride around brought comfort.  But anyway, even with her hair a bit shorter....she was always so beautiful inside and out!  

And, I loved hearing her stories about her family .....her Amish/Minninnite Roots....and I will never forget when I was 'getting' into Christian music ....and we'd begin to talk about spiritual things  how she would give me her Charisma magazines after she was done reading them.  And the day that I put two and two together and realized her brother -n - law was a famous Christian Recording artist.  I had JUST bought his album and was telling her about it and she shared.  I  was flabbergasted.  I was.

( If you know me...I get tickled and LOVE celebrity stuff.  And I am JUST that way ...LOL.  THAT is how God made me.  And so,  just knowing 'his' sister in law -- brought me  CLOSER to  actually meeting him.  Oh my -- Do you think I need therapy?  )

OK - I digressed....   focus Michelle -----
( Mary -- those EXTRA ..... were for you !! ) 

As I said, the Lord orchestrated our steps.   

Little did I think that 4 years later.....I would be typing a blog  and using the  illustration  of her being the 'FIRST' one I anointed with oil.....to remind another -- God restores.

  He heals.

  Cancer won't define her.  I have read many FB comments and such about her and her life and one that is repeated over and over, is how kind she was and she was a lady of grace and dignity.

I was able to talk with her at the beginning of February.  We caught up, etc.  She gave me some really awesome news - a testimony about her son.  Presently - this year, I have a special little boy, young man, in my class.  He is her grandson.  God knew - God knew 4 years ago as we prayed on that day for her and for her son..... that she needed 2 miracles.   If I explained the facts and gave more details  about that - you may read it and think... "that was a miracle?"...but I know it was, as in February, I heard a very proud mother talk about ALL of her 4 children and how she was so proud of them.  And she was especially blessed, because a total stranger...a mother, from another state .....had written her a letter  --

This mother was thanking her for that son.   As that son...had prayed for her son and the results were tremendous.   God moved mountains.  That son, called upon HIS Heavenly Father and HE answered.  That son had made his mother - my friend - so proud.   That son, is the father to my student.  I was so blessed when I could share a VERY GOOD story about his dad -- he beamed.

  As I walked away from her that day in Publix, I looked back.  She looked frail.  I said a breath prayer, "lord, heal her".  I could tell that she was battling the something again and she said that, but like I said, she pushed it off as if it was nothing.  What was MORE important to her -- was sharing about her son and the GOOD stuff within her life.  And we spoke about her Grandson, and I updated her on his progress and future events --  and she said something  to me.  At the time, I just pushed it aside.


But  tonight -  it really struck me...

"I am so thankful he is in your class".   

Humbled.  I am humbled.  God knew.  God orchestrated this.    God had it covered.


I am his teacher, his name is Kayven , for 48 more days.  However, I told him today, that once your are a student of mine - you are always a student of mine.  I will keep tabs on him from this point on.
He recently had some surgery so that he can begin to walk.  I tease him, "you will have to walk your wife down the aisle" and he smiles a sheepish grin.   He came back to school today, as we had Spring Break and he had his surgery and then his Grandma went to heaven.   We made it a 'light' day.  But we talked and chatted too.   I had been praying since Sunday, that when I saw him - I would not LOSE it.  I asked several of my praying sisters to pray for me.  God was there.

The Holy Spirit led and we had some deep heartfelt chats.
I believe the next 48 days are going to be different.
I was reminded today that...as his teacher...as the teacher of the other students in my room -- God placed me there.  He is not the only one with a wounded heart this week.  One of my students was a cousin to the little boy who went heaven last week.   He was the little boy who went missing in Hollywood but was found later.    Life is sad. 

It has been a wounded week.  But.....  I know where the joy is from and I am determined to speak that into my students for another 48 days! 

Trusting is the first step.  Believing  in something that is unseen - is faith.
I am going to speak some BIG prayers -- scary prayers here next.

I know this blog got long.  ( Rachel if you read it to the end...you do deserve a extra piece of chocolate or to sleep in tomorrow instead of getting up to run..just saying.!  )   But this blog is also my way of speaking to others..speaking to God...and it is my therapy.  I pray it will excite another to write or to journal with God.  I pray that it will invoke some good memories of my dear friend. 





Lord, I am humbled- Hopeful...encouraged..and committed to believe YOU are indeed the one that help my friend in that ICU bed.  Lord, I know you will speak to each of her daughters and guide them in to WHAT is next as their have a dad that needs them so very much.  Lord, I pray for her sons...for both of them.  My daugher affectionately nick named her younger son 'jesus' while he was in High School -- as he so reminder her of that LOOK.  I hugged him this weekend and met his beautiful fiance - Lord, lead and guide him .  Lord, for those two girls -- Lord, as they raise their daughters and as they walk in this new 'normal' of their mom in heaven - God I pray that as they grieve and mourn...they are also flooded with Your comfort and healing touch.  Lord I pray also for my student - Kayven, Lord, he is really hurting -- I pray for his dad..I pray for him...I pray for Kayven's maternal grandparents and mom.... I pray that as they each continue to love on Kayven, he will grow in YOUR stature - and I believe he will walk..I believe he will become a great citizen of this community and he may even be that doctor that FINDS a cure for cancer.....in his grandmother's honor....  THOSE are BIG prayers Lord...but YOU said I could call upon you ..YOU said, I can ask -- and I am.  I want a father and son reunited... Period...End of story - ONLY YOU can do it at this point Lord, and so therefore - I ask - move the mountain.   Lord, guide me in this 'grief'...as I want to be a comfort but a wise counsel to both of my students who have suffered a loss this year and to another who lost a cousin a few months ago.  God... I have one more request...

This is extra.....God, I know you are  around us and I  believe that YOU are at work.  This week again, You quickened both  my husband and me to pray for several couples..... I pray YOU will open the eyes of the ones who are deceived, and YOU will restore the others...and give courage to the ones that MUST seek some professional and godly help -- I believe.  I believe,  YOU WANT for them -- WHAT I now have with my husband...new soul ties...new love... and revelations that there was LOVE all that time....the the wife of the youth...is HIS will...that the current wife is GOD's will.... that the two married -- should remain.   amen.   GOD....wash them all clean....God that the ones that are NOT in relationship with you - would be miserable...until they SEEK you and if You see fit to use Brendan or myself within this.....then do it and we promise to be faithful to the Holy Spirit as He speaks to us - in Jesus name..

And ONE more...for Pookie ....Lord, I thank you for her and her husband and their commitment to YOU as they battle this 'cancer'... I know you are going to use them both in a mighty way.  Lord, I know that YOU are in control.  Lord, I believe all of us have a mission - I Pray as they  begin the next 'leg' of their marriage and journey that You will just continue to give them a peace beyond all understanding and that all glory and honor are given to YOU.  amen.

michelle