The toliet paper square!

Can you spare a square?

 If you are a Seinfeld fan, and you have watched a bit, you may have seen the show where Elaine is in the bathroom and she has to ask,  as she reaches below that stall wall,  to the next person in the next stall, "can you spare a square?".   To which the other person responds, "I don't have a square to spare!".  

"Really, you don't have a square to spare?".   I kept thinking of that this evening as I was reading and chatting with my handsome 50 year old husband.  

Today in church, our Pastor used a roll of TP - toilet paper to illustrate a point.  He was speaking out of Matthew 25 and the parable about the talents and using God's Word to remind us of some concepts.

1.  What I have been given is meant to benefit the Kingdom of God.
 2.  God gives each of what, what we can handle.
 3.  God expects us to invest our talents.
 4.  We will give an account for whatever you have been given.
And 5. What we do in this life - determines our eternity! 

In that funny Seinfeld illustration, the person would not even spare a square or basically - share.
What my Pastor was trying to illustrate,  was that as he rolled out the roll and walked up and down the aisles of our little church  -- what we DO - here on Earth is really only represented by ONE small square.  THE rest... is what we will reap in Eternity --basically -- what we do with that ONE small square in this life here on Earth -- will determine the rest!   


Reality.
Hard truths.

It was one of those messages where you could be sitting there with extreme conviction, guilt, or even shame...but you could also be sitting there with pride and assessment of one's accomplishments.   It was  a message where we both  stopped, took notes, reflected, and sought  God  this evening as we chatted -- where am I, where are we,  in this illustration and WHAT have I/we  done with my/our  talents?

The PURE simple fact that we laid in our bed together and discussed this - is indeed a miracle.  

This past week, someone asked me to share some information.  I will adhere to some advice that Beth Moore gave in a message a few weeks ago, she said:  "authenticity to all, transparency to most, intimacy to a few".    I blog.   I write.  Blogging is a medium that is 'new' to this era but as I have said before, it was God's use of some bloggers and some messages through social media that met me in a very HARD time -- a crisis of faith.

I know blogging is not for everyone.  I am even confronted at times and reminded that I may be TOO open or too honest.  I have been warned that I am TOO trusting.  But as I traveled to church this am and God and I were just conversing back and forth, I stopped to ask HIM, "why?".   Why am I like this Lord?

I believe He impressed upon me and said, "my child, I use you through your words and your honest answers -- others see and read what they can't express and it helps them".   And I quickly was reminded of how  Beth Moore spoke about this just this past April.  She spoke about how she will watch herself on TV and sit there and ask God, "why do I have to be quirky like that?".  And He told her something similar -- that is HOW I use you.  If I would of had her cell number that weekend, I would of called and said, "Miss Beth -- I took solace in your words, as so often I stop and go, WHY Lord did I say or do that?   And He gives me grace and mercy to remind me -- that my heart is indeed in the right spot and HE uses each and every word from me and action for HIS glory -- but to just continue to SEEK HIM and be His hands and feet".   

So...I maybe be transparent to more than most and intimate to more than a few....but I am trusting God always as I write and type these blogs that it is HIS fingers  typing and  His Words that I am sharing.   

I think I am a little more protective now of some of the details, as the past is truly the past, but I also know WHAT God can do through a simple blog where one just shares WHAT God did for them.

So, as I researched and gathered some information for that one who asked, I thought about WHAT my Father in heaven wanted me to share.

Simple.
Right?

So, what would I say now?

  I was 38 years old when God began called me closer to him.   I loved Jesus as much as I knew how.  At 42 years of age a death happened that made me very aware of my marriage and that is was failing.  At 44 a crisis of faith happened.    And earthquake shook us.  Faith was applied with much godly counsel and prayer.  Revelations occurred where the 'pit' I was dumped into -- was NOT where I was  choosing to stay and God began to reform me and rebuild me.   In that process, forgiveness was given and trust was reestablished but God finally became LORD of it all.  But in that process, I learned that I had committed adultery - spiritual adultery against my Lord.  The past 12 years have been some of the hardest and yet MOST joyful years of my adult life.   I truly believe my husband and I got a 2nd chance.  

I believe that ONE square... was full and God gave us a NEW 'one square'...so that WHAT we did in this life will determine a better eternity for BOTH of us.

Yes, infidelity was something the enemy used to destroy the both of us - and yet- God won.   Idolatry and selfishness was more of the stuff that led us both into the PIT --and both of us claim responsibility.  From the outside world, it may look like only 1 person is at fault when a marriage breaks down.......but there is something that needs to be addressed.   An affair is a symptom.  Masking pain with alcohol or drugs is a symptom of something deeper.   Even the simple idea that, "I don't want to be married anymore" -- is just another way that the Father of lies -- Satan has convinced a person that God is withholding something and so therefore, I must divorce my wife or husband and begin again.   It is a symptom of something else.   A door was left open for Satan to get in, just an inch and he became the ruler!

 It is so sad, and yet -- Jesus came to set those captives free.   New life IS possible with God!

Not everyone is as OPEN with stuff as I am.  Sometimes, I feel I pour my heart out and just carry on and the one listening just smiles and I wonder...."am I making any sense?".   But God reminds me, that HE will use me to plant seeds, water seeds, and just be that initial soil rototiller!

When I got to church today, God used a sweet prayer warrior to confirm to me what I believe HE impressed upon me in the car as I went to Sunday's meeting of believers.  

Heaven is truly when I will get to see WHERE HE used me...WHERE I messed up and was too transparent but HE covered me...and HEAVEN is where I will see the 'good' that I can't see happening here on Earth right now.  So, I will continue, with all humility and grace to be authentic to all, transparent to most...and intimate with a few and pray that God gives me more GRACE to be that light to one...a wife that may think her  marriage is over --

....but I would say -- NO...it is not falling apart -- it is just now falling INTO place so God can redeem!

 Dear Lord, I have NO clue WHO this is for tonight -- other than me.  I needed to remind myself of what You spoke to me today and I needed to tell Satan to take a hike.   Please continue to use me through this blog -- help me lean on you even more...and  know Lord, that I do want to do your will - here as it is in heaven.   

- humbled,  In Jesus name, your servant -- chell

Please forgive me...

My sister and I  -- need more light!

This past weekend I experienced a tremendous, and life changing  meeting in St. Louis.  Not only was I with some dear friends and sisters in Christ but I was blessed to meet my own flesh and blood family there as well.   Joining others there in America's dome to praise our King - Jesus, in one accord.... I got a glimpse of heaven and its glory.  Trying to get seats in a block of seven was  difficult at times - but my sister managed to grab some good ones!

This trip was sort of a birthday get away,  planned some six-seven months ago,  it was anticipated and prayed for.  If I could of grabbed another 20 women I would of -- however, God knew exactly WHO would be there.   And God --  certainly left me -- wrecked.   Toby Mac has a song about the Holy Spirit and in the chorus it says, "I am wrecked".  I am.  I am humbled.   I knew this trip was going to be a trip that would forever change me, and yet - I had NO idea of the impact.   I want to live with that spirit or thought - that we are being changed from glory to glory! 

 God's Word says in 2 Cor 3.18:  But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.

 I went expectant -- I wanted to have a fresh word from God, I wanted to be thrilled and in awe of the worship and I certainly wanted to be entertained as well.   And...   I got some extra blessings with family, friends, and then miracles that transpired.  God is so stinking sweet.  God won!

I want to stay focused in this blog to stay on course -- as God was writing this blog a few days ago.

Please forgive me.  Will I be able to actually use words to express this?  Lord - help me. 
Will some read this and go, "she is weird"?     Lord - help me. 
Will some read this and go, "I don't get her"?  Lord - help  Holy Spirit interpret. 

Ok - let me explain.   If you have read my blog before or know me well -- I admit, I am pretty passionate.  God made me that way.    Honestly, I pray that when people see or read my stuff, they truly believe I am a Jesus freak and  that I walk the walk I talk.  And  if you have read my blogs or follow me, you have read that God has been showing me something this past summer and I even admitted that I wrestled with Him as far as doing some assignments  that He has placed in my heart.   However,  this past weekend it all came together and made sense.

More confirmation.
More blessings.
More....    God gave me more pieces of the puzzle!   I am humbled.    It made sense! 

And, I have changed.   There has been a religious righteous anger in me that had become pride.....
I use the word "had" because I see now - it was something that God was working to DEATH in me so that He could continue to grow me and use me and FILL me more with HIM! 

God is so stinking sweet that HE revealed this to me in some very personal moments but also with such mercy.   He loves me THAT much.  As, who likes discipline?   Who wants to be corrected or scolded?  But God's discipline is necessary as we grow in HIM, I am just so thankful for His mercy!

To make a long story short -- almost 2 years ago, I prayed with another sister in Christ that Beth Moore would  be.... spirit filled and receive her prayer language.   I felt it was NEEDED.   I felt it HAD to happen.   As I know what having my prayer language has meant to me -- but I did fight  against it for 30+ years.   I think sometimes we get so passionate about HOW God has moved and worked within our lives ....we just want OTHERS to have it like we do.   And we want to bypass the struggle for others but indeed God has that planned or in line for that other one as well.  It must be God and them...not God and me and them.  ( Now, did that make sense?)

  And  I want God to do it NOW....we want God to do it NOW  ....when God has the better plan and God has the timing worked out.

 In WANTING something for another so bad at times - we can manipulate stuff and grieve Holy Spirit.  I just  want spiritual freedom for all I  encounter  -- and I want them to have 'this power'.    I did feel it was needed.   I did feel it was a must. 

 Let me share this:

Many non-believers and even some believers view the Holy Spirit ( HS )  as an impersonal force or concept that represents God or his presence.  But the Bible describes the HS in personal terms, not as a mere influence or spiritual power.  HS is a divine person - fully God.  In Acts 1.4 the apostles are instructed to wait to be baptized with the Holy Spirit.

Let's get the elephant in the room exposed:   I believe there is ONE God - ONE Holy Spirit and ONE Jesus and they create the Trinity.  We are to be eternally minded and salvation is a gift, not earned as we accept Jesus into our hearts and allow Him to fill us.   Without faith it is impossible to please God , His mercy triumphs justice, and by His Grace nothing is impossible with HIM as HE works through us! 

At one point this past weekend, Joyce Meyer's held up the bible and made a simple statement, "let's just address the elephant in the room, its time we stop allowing division, we are  to be the BRIDE of Christ - there will be no divisions in heaven for the Catholics or the Baptists or the Bapticostals or whatever labels you have given yourself.   I hold fast to this Word of God and do believe in all the gifts the Lord promises us.  But I want ALL of whatever God has for me- period.  I want ALL He has for me!" 

Me and Pinocchio!

To have two of the most influential bible teachers and women  of God that have spent the past 25-35 years impacting the Kingdom of God in ONE arena..... in one place.....and to be in agreement --was indeed answer to prayer.

 It was phenomenal .

 Unbelievable .

Blessed beyond belief.

It was God ordained!


Then Christine Caine spoke -- and voiced her opinion on the baptism in the Holy Spirit.  I  was raised with the knowledge that Jesus died for my sins.   I believed and accepted that.  I did not know that I could have a personal relationship with God and Jesus until I was a teen.  I acknowledged that God was indeed God for most of my adult life -- but I know that I did not FALL in love with  God and  placed my trust in God until I was 45 ... at an Encounter with God weekend in Titusville back in 2011.

 Up until then, I do believed I loved God in the capacity to which I could.     That is a big statement -- to the capacity of which I could.   Until then I know my prayers were heard  as around the  24th year of my life I got on the roller coaster of trusting God and I would ebb and flow on and off that roller coaster of life.   I  would seek God for a season and then the world.  Then back on the coaster and ride high with Jesus and then stepped off again as my heart became more hard to a true relationship with God.   I had faith, hope, and love but I allowed idols to begin to become MORE  and more important than God's Word.  God wanted MORE of me. 

 And I was a very good actress!  How many around me are doing the same?   Are you a good actress? 

Selfie attempt when we arrived!! 

When everything fell, God picked me up and began to rebuild me.  And, in that season - having my prayer language gave me comfort and confidence that I could pray without Satan hearing me.

 God rebuilt me, but in these past months,  as I said,  I believe God has been working a death in me again,  so that HE could fill me back up with MORE grace to do His work.   At America's Dome, I felt myself stating:   "How dare I think that God could not 'work' through Beth whether she had her prayer language or not!!"    And, "why do you think that God can't do WHAT He wants?".  And as I wrested with God on this subject - God graciously showed me where I must repent so that this spiritual pride would be nipped in the bud.  Thank you God.   I repented.  And God literally did some Holy Surgery on me Sunday night -- again, that could ONLY of been God.  ( I will explain Sunday night in another blog - if you are interested! )

So, my prayer this evening is quite personal -- but I am being obedient.  As I am in the preparations right now to take a group of women to Titusville again and I want ONLY He -- God to get the glory, be the glory, and heal with His glory -- this is not about a gift that I believe is important -- it is about what GOD wants to do -- heal, restore, and redeem.   It is about God doing some holy surgery in each woman that participates.   It is about His will being done, here as it is in heaven!   And, we don't want to grieve the Holy Spirit - but have Him present and guiding us as He is the teacher and His anointing is what will make the changes in hearts.

Lord, first of all - thank you SO much for the ability to attend this conference, enjoy my Florida family, get to know Kathy, Denise, and Darlene is such a better way.   And for the Wisconsin family that joined us as well.  You totally orchestrated that and I am thankful for my sister's ( Diann's) obedience to You as she invited my mom to join she and Tiffany.  

  Lord, I sit here and just marvel at HOW you moved, HOW your orchestrated and HOW you were there right with me.   And how you were with each of them as well!!   Lord, HOW you have the ability to make me think and feel and believe that YOU orchestrated the  weekend just for me.   I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but at practically every moment,  when I got out of my head and allowed YOU in there -- it felt like even though 22K women  were there to attend as well -- it seemed like the entire weekend was JUST for me.   You met me there so personally.   And yet, I know that I know you did that for the lady sitting to my left and to my right.  And you did that for each and every one there WHO wanted MORE of you!   You are indeed a sweet and good good father.   And I believe You orchestrated that weekend just for my mom as well.  Lord, the blessing of knowing she accepted You and recited the sinner's prayer was just the icing on the cake of the weekend.   Each and every detail of those four days was beyond belief and I praise You, Holy Father, as we took confidence from Your Word ..whenever two or three are gathered in Your name...Amen! 

But now Lord, as you already know my heart as I have confessed this to you already -- thank you for being so gentle and sweet with me as you placed that prideful righteous religious anger to death in me and opened up my heart for more of YOU.   Thank you for blessing me with the ability to hear from you and see you at work.  Thank you for reminding me gently that YOU indeed HAVE it.   Forgive me Lord, as I know you knew the condition and desire of my heart so my intentions were good but now I clearly see how YOU want to raise me up and call me to NEW heights...NEW assignments and NEW things.  

Lord for the past the the enemy wants to shove in my face...even when mistakes were made -- You knew the intention of my heart and YOU covered me.  I praise YOU for that.  And I don't take it lightly, but Your GRACE is sufficient and I know that with this new revelation knowledge ...indeed..YOU can do MORE through me and I will teach and share it with others, as You have given me some good assignments - but OH God... I know where my strength comes from - it comes from YOU. 

Forgive me Lord for thinking and believing that Beth "had" to have her prayer language  and if she did -- she could "THEN" do more for you -- now, as I even type this confession....I can clearly see how that was being immature in thinking.    

 Forgive me Lord, for the others I have judged that 'needed more'....Lord, cover me -- in my zeal and passion for You I pray that I won't manipulate anything when it comes to YOU Lord.    I am humbled Lord, that You wish to continue to use me for YOUR purposes.   I pray I won't fail you.  

Forgive me Lord, if I have allowed or pushed something on someone when Your timing was not right -- when I tried to manipulate.    Forgive me Lord, and continue to rebuild me.  Lord,  You are Lord -- Lord, You are sovereign and Lord -- I want ALL You have for me -- I confess my  arrogance and my anger and I give it to you.  Lord for the ones that read this - I pray that it will make sense and it will relate to them as well.  I pray they won't make the same mistakes.   I pray, as when I read anothers story or heart on how YOU are working in their lives.....I can see myself and I 'fix' it before I make the same mistake...so I pray that this prayer, this confession would indeed be for another and that it would give grace to another .....and it would make sense to another and it would push her closer to YOU Lord.   

And if not -- that is OK too.   You know the fear I had in typing this blog.   You understand my need for approval and YOU know exactly WHAT comes next.    Lord, as I edit this today -- I lay here in awe of YOUR presence.  You really DID spare us yesterday ....with Matthew wobbling a bit to the east -- it saved lives...it saved our Insurance claims...  it was indeed an act of MERCY on my community and my children.   Tears overwhelm me... I don't deserve this -- and yet... YOU did this NOT only for me but for ALL your children!   

And Lord, I thank you for my sister's in Christ -- for those YOU use to sharpen me.   I ask for a blessing upon Kathy, Denise, and Darlene who love me for just being me...and I ask a blessing on my MOM, my sister and my sister in Love...who love me for just being me... and I thank you for Mary this am as well...as she posted something on FB this am...  Matthew 10. 7 says this, " Go and announce to them that the Kingdom of Heaven is near".......  You are very near... I believe I will see you face to face soon.   I don't believe my children will have to plan my life celebration ( funeral) ....  But I also fear YOUR Bride is not quite ready...   God I pray YOU will continue to use me - for YOUR Kingdom purposes.   

May the one  WHO read this to the end... May you bless her or him as well ...and may they seek you today and ask YOU what needs to be repented of ...so that YOU can use them as well.   IN Jesus name.  I am humbled and oh  oh   oh so  so so grateful.   

You are indeed a good good Father!  
- michelle