and my foot may be broken.....

 Psalm 63

A psalm of David, regarding a time when David was in the wilderness of Judah.

¹ O God, you are my God;
    I earnestly search for you.  ( I've been  having a sort of indifferent time in the past two weeks.  Well, I say indifferent and yet,  I say - Blessed...only YOU, God,  can understand that! ) 

My soul thirsts for you;
    my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
    where there is no water.  ( I admit Lord, it seemed like there was just a dry spot - like I was waiting and asking for Your words and Your direction but it sort of seemed You were also telling me to just 'get over yourself'  -- or maybe it was 'be still' ....) 

² I have seen you in your sanctuary
    and gazed upon your power and glory. ( Oh my ....have I ever gazed on Your glory?  yes, I have!!    These past two weeks have just been tremendous - some incredible blessings and yet, some incredible lows  and thoughts, and then the incredible realization of how SHORT life is ) 

³ Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
    lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
⁵ You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.  ( I will praise You for as long as I live.  I have so much to be thankful for and there is such JOY in my heart and head!   

 I heard Bob Coy say this am -- are you doing what you want to do?  Are you sharing Jesus with another?  He was speaking about the martyrs and how they died for Jesus - do I die for Jesus?  I mean when they gave their life up for HIM...they went to heaven ..RIGHT away and we say 'awe' and yet ..we should say 'YES..lucky them! '.  Would I die for Christ?  Do I have what it takes?

I think so, I mean - God I pray that when I am with people the NEED to share Your love does penetrate my being!  )  

⁶ I lie awake thinking of you,
    meditating on you through the night.
⁷ Because you are my helper,
    I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
    your strong right hand holds me securely.  ( OH how those words have been music to my breaking heart... comfort to a hurting  head, and joy to my soul...and how they have sustained me in times where I felt I was so alone.   Your right hand DOES hold me!  )  

⁹ But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
    They will go down into the depths of the earth.
¹⁰ They will die by the sword
    and become the food of jackals.  ( In my opinion,  the only one plotting to kill me this past week was the Enemy -- even though I felt I was 'dying' cause my foot was in pain.  Silly me!  )  

¹¹ But the king will rejoice in God.
    All who trust in him will praise him,
    while liars will be silenced.  ( I do trust you Lord,  and the liars will be silenced -- oh do I wait for that day! )  

The past ten days have been indifferent or weird.  I have wanted to blog several times and today -- I came across something that spoke to my head and had me reflecting.  

When I blog, I really want my words  to be of God ...and HIS works, so that  the one  reading will hear my heart and maybe want  to SEEK  what should be beaming out of me-- God.  

When I blog, I want it to be read by many  and I find myself checking back to see how many 'hits' I have.  I can do this with the site I use.   I also am very protective of a few entries -- I don't want them to be misread or commented on  -- I want them to be accepted.   And yet I do.  I want feedback.   And there is was.....  Did you hear that?  

Whoa -- pride.   YEP- Pride.  A form of pride.   I never 'saw' this as pride before, or maybe I did - but I did not let it really sink in.  It did not make sense until today or maybe God just really opened my eyes now to WHAT HE wanted me to learn next. 

God gave me a talent to write.  I was thinking that I was being  humble in writing...making sure I was giving all glory and honor to HIM, but in that humbleness - there was pride.    That is what I gathered out of a blog that was written by a lady on a blog site that Angela Thomas shared.  

I will share it:  

I used to think my self-doubt and insecurity about writing were signs of my profound humility. It felt noble and heroic to be this full of agonizing self-doubt. It felt lowly and meek to be so tortured about whether or not I could write. I could almost hear the soundtrack and the violins. If there’d been open, windswept moors nearby, I’d have been on them.

But that’s the thing about pride. It hides itself.

The more I go on, the more I realize, it’s entirely the other way round. Our self-doubt and insecurity don’t reveal our humility; they mask our pride.

When you’re doubting whether you can do it, whether you’re a good writer, you’re looking to yourself, what you can do, what resources you have. You’re focused entirely inwardly, on yourself.

It’s pride because it means you think it’s all about you.

But if you realize it’s not about you — that whatever you have is a gift from God — if, in other words, you get out of the way — then you can be fearless. There is no vision too great, nothing too outrageous to dream, nothing too impossible to dare.

–Sally Lloyd-Jones

 I think I see and understand what the author meant.    

Maybe I am not explaining that too well -- but, these are God's words to share with anyone who reads it - God is giving me this post - to post, cause I boldly want to declare that God wins and that -- we can overcome anything with HIS help.  

So as I blog and post, I really should not feel the need to check back to see if anyone has read it and then place a value judgement on it...that was pride.  

So with that - I am blogging.  

The past 10 days have been indifferent from my perspective.   

This blog post may be a set of random thoughts but then again - it may be profound - only God knows.  

 Psalm 63 is a great prayer and request to God.  I have made a lot of requests to God in the past 2 weeks.  I have begged and pleaded with him to grant my pal in Watertown a miracle.   ( Trace )  I have prayed for financial burdens.   ( Our own, our kids and our insurance office.) I have prayed that HP would get to be a part of the TRAVEL FAU team ( he did ) and for his studies and for his walk with our Lord,  and I have prayed hives off of my other child - TP as well as other prayers for her.  

I have prayed for a new couple dealing with pain.  I have prayed for many and I continue to hold my family right there - extended and close - the ones' on the fence, the ones' lost, and the ones' that really have NO clue...and those that love HIM with a passion but they are too busy to put HIM first.   I also pray that the seeds I plant take root --   as I am just to sow a seed - HE does the growing.    

I have also come across some old memories  or triggers due to different circumstances and just how the enemy works  that back into our lives -- and I have had to forgive again - a person whom I blamed for hurt. 

  I have asked God to make sure - I give it to HIM.  I don't want ANYTHING to stand in the way of my relationship with HIM.  I can't harbor any unforgiveness or the least bit of envy or maybe feeling of revenge.   I give this person to HIM.   And I know that I have to seek forgiveness from another - I found something I wrote back in May of 2011, and in my very young/Christian head - this was only two years ago - I hurt and offended her and that is NOT what God wanted me to do. 

 I so, see it clearly now -- and now I am ready to say SORRY  and understand that I need to repent of that judgmental and callus attitude when it comes to her feelings --  she is a child of God too! Sometimes the hardest ones to love on -- are our OWN close family members.  

   How God reveals stuff in HIS time.    I found a letter that I will address from another. It spoke volumes to me, as in some of the old memories and circumstances have also  crept into conversations   these past 10 days, I can see how those situations hurt me and so therefore, I can clearly see how my words hurt her- I am reminded that the past is the past and yet, this part of my past and the apology that I must send forth - seemed to be buried in the past- but HE revealed it to me - and reminded me of what to do next.   And, with HIS correction and guidance -- restoration can now take place and I am praying she receives it.   Now - how creative of God to do that.  

HE really is in control. 
So why did I hurt my foot?  The doctor can't find anything wrong.
-Maybe I had to see the doctor again for HIS purpose.... 
-Maybe I had to learn  listen to my body and not wear the high heels that often....
-Maybe I was suppose to be at the  other doctor's office for a higher purpose.... 
-Maybe I  just really hurt it and it was to slow me down a bit ...one can't move fast when they have a limp....
--Maybe  the injury is just an object lesson for me -- to just DRAW closer to HIM.  
Or Maybe it is just a way to remind me -- I am prideful, as wearing the 'orthopedic shoe' is killing my vanity - they don't look CUTE with my outfits!  

 And THEN I have foot pain.   Again.    

Yep, I spent the last few days getting x-rays and then an ultrasound on my leg to find out the reason for some lumps, and some aches and pains.  I believe we are on the right track with the doctor, but I had an epiphany on Saturday as I was feeling VERY sorry for myself.  I really believe that God was just reminding me ..'get over yourself'  or He was saying 'be still!'

  Now God would never say that - 'get over yourself' -- I mean I did not hear a angelic choir but HE speaks to me via people, HIS word, and HE impresses upon me HIS thoughts - I can hear HIM when I am in prayer and conversation  ...but God... - HE is too much of a gentlemen, but HIS correction is felt.

  I know that no matter what the problem is, HE will provide the way to overcome it through HIM.  And besides, I have others around me struggling with WORSE circumstances and yet, they are working through it.  Praise God.  

By the way, I finally sought out prayer and swallowed my pride and asked for prayer to fix my legs -- how is it that I KNOW what I KNOW and yet, within a week's time, I feel like I am back having to relearn a few lessons like I just declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior last week -- when it has been years!  

And my cell group prayed along with some other prayer warriors on Thursday  and today - my foot pain is almost gone - believing it was just a distraction....!!

I have been praying, and planning to walk 60 miles in 2 weeks - in honor of a pal and in support of many dealing and battling with breast cancer - I want to help find a cure.

  My participation is also selfish and yet it also meets a need.  The three days , I walk in that walk, I am told how wonderful and awesome I am by many strangers.  It is three days of being pampered and being fed words of affirmation  as you walk in 100 degree heat with the chance of getting blisters...but, it is also meeting a need.  It gives one such a sense of accomplishment to know that you helped - find a cure.  I am careful to ask God - is this my pride??...or am I doing this for the right reasons? 

I believe I am doing it for the right reasons and because of this walk - you can sort of understand WHY I can't have foot pain - it just does not match up.!! 

In closing -- I had to seek out forgiveness from my hubby, in those moments that the  memories of the past resurfaced, my flesh wanted to make him hurt too and it did a few times.  In my quiet time, I had to confess to God that I may be spending more time ministering to others rather than putting my time with HIM first.  In my faith department, I had to go back to the basics and repeat what I know works -- putting HIM first and reading HIS word.   Prayer.  Prayer and more prayer.  

I guess these  past two weeks were just a good 'funk'.  And with the coming of this weekend - my husband will be helping with a Men's Encounter for another church.  He will hear from God and have a new Encounter with HIM. 

So, why wouldn't the Enemy be attacking us both -- as the Enemy knows he is being defeated with every soul being set free!  

 And THAT could be the reason why I have foot pain - the enemy has sort of tired his best again to get into our lives....little cracks left open, where he can settle in and begin to lie again and if we are NOT careful - our flesh repeats our past and we ..have a weird  or indifferent week.   But guess what HE won.  

Amen.  

Lord, help me always, to remember my OWN sin and therefore not allow the past of his sin..or her sin..or their sin...or mine...distract me.  God my 'sin' was JUST as bad and set you upon the cross as well!  I realize that!  
 Lord, bless him - my handsome man -  as he continues to heal and God I pray that I would discern better next time when an onslaught of  lies from the enemy approaches.  Lord, that there would be NO pride what so ever - Lord, that this blog would bless another - it blessed me just by being able to vent and share my love for YOU Lord.  Lord, I pray you are saying - well done my good and faithful daughter.  And Thank you for the blessing of being asked to carry the flag in the Opening and Closing ceremonies at the Walk - this is YOUR way of reminding me - I am your girl - I know it - as ONLY YOU knew how important that was to me.  Only YOU understand my head and heart - and you give the desires of our hearts to us - you really do, even when I have allowed the enemy to lie to me here and there these past two weeks.  Wow Lord, I am humbled -- and that is not pride ..

I am humbled that YOU love me THAT much. 
God I pray -others will want this too.  BAD...BAd enough to be bold and come to church ..or seek forgiveness..or even OPEN Your word.   God they are Yours.  
Your daughter - chell