Expecting #27 -- Seasons of Friendships

I have not struggled with friendships all my life -- I just never felt like I got the proper instruction on how to be a good friend.  As a kid, my closest friends were people that were 'like' me...I was a farm girl and so therefore, I gravitated to the other farm girls within my class.

As I grew older, I did not have to make new friends because I was protect -- I had the same group of classmates for eight years -- so each summer, when I was at the farm - doing our farm life - others went on vacations and so forth.  So, when school started, there was much to talk about, as maybe I had seen one of my closer friends at a Dairy Breakfast or Farm Implement Event....but basically -- my 'best' friends were my siblings.

Then the world changes -- and you get your license and find a job and the world opens.  But again, those close were few.

So when I see a group of women and I can tell that a few of them are extremely close -- like BEST friends -- I sometimes - don't quite get it.

But...as I have gotten older, and walked within my path and journey in life...God has brought women to me and has drawn me closer to women that have become like sisters to me....and some of them were only for a season....and others, no matter what transpires -- it seems like JUST yesterday when we sat together until midnight discussing something or getting our classrooms ready....

I am thankful for the women friends that God has brought to me...and blessed with me.

I found this in another's blog as I have prayed all day about WHAT God wanted me to share about seasons of Friendships  and I believe HE brought me to this blog to share it:

 My friend, take my advice; it will add years to your life.  I’m writing out clear directions to Wisdom Way, I’m drawing a map to Righteous Road.  I don’t want you ending up in blind alleys, or wasting time making wrong turns.  Hold tight to good advice; don’t relax your grip.  Guard it well – your life is at stake!”  Proverbs 4:10-13, The Message

Friendships change--- yet as women we often struggle with letting go of friendships that are no longer fruitful. Not letting go is rooted in fear and fear always leads to torment. Letting go allows us to trust God with our friendships, and when we are willing to let go and let God, He will either bring the friendship around in due time or bring in new friendships that will propel us forward into our destiny.

Here is what God has shown me:
A right association in a right season = right results
A wrong association in any season = wrong results
And a right association in a wrong season = wrong results

The word “season” in the Greek is “karios.”  “Karios” is defined in the Strong’s Concordance as, “an opportune time, set time, appointed time, definitive time, proper time for action and tells us of special happenings that are to occur during a certain time frame.” It is important that we know the season we are in and whom we are to associate with for such a time as this.

There are seasonal places to live, positions of employment, hobbies, and friendships, which in the right season are a huge blessing.  This is why we need God’s supernatural wisdom in every area of our life…including our friendships! Proverbs 7:4-5 in the NKJV states, “Say to Wisdom, you are my sister, and call understanding your nearest kin, that they may keep you from *wrong relationships, from *wrong associations who flatter with their lips.”(*Words changed from immoral woman and seductress to wrong associations/relationships by author).

We are entering a season where it is vital that we heed God’s wisdom in our lives.  Our obedience is vital to the Kingdom of God. It is time for us to let go of the childish things and grab onto Jesus with all of your might.  Jesus is the Right association all the time!!!!  - Lisa Hurst 

Prayer:
“Lord, I cry out for Wisdom this day.  I give you permission to show me any wrong associations in my life.  Help me to let them go in order to grab onto You and the right associations for such a time as this.  I want to go higher in You and I declare that You are the Right association at all times!  Show me the times and seasons.  Amen.”

I believe the HOly Spirit brought me to that blog for a reason....

I believe the women that participated in the Women's Encounter Weekend last weekend, were blessed with new friends.  

I believe that many of us -- need to be wise and realize that we MUST see and HEED God's wisdom in our lives and not rely on the advice of our friends.....but SEEK HIM.  

I agree with the blog author -- our obedience is vital to the Kingdom of God.  

When I stop and think about the women that God has brought into my life and how they played a part in a 'season' of my life...I am MOST grateful and thankful.  As each of them - is still dear, each of them played a big part, and each of them blessed me.  

I pray that I am such a blessing to the women that God 'takes' me too... for a season.  

I pray that each of us will evaluate and check -- and make sure that our friendships are indeed helping us to always go forward and point us to the Cross...to HIM...as HE - Jesus, God, and the HOly Spirit -- are our best friends....they won't fail us.   

Amen.  

Lord, I thank you for the women that will read this and I pray it speaks to them this eve...for my friends...the ones that are very close and the ones that I only get to speak to once in a blue moon ....GOD, I pray that each of them would continue to seek you - that they would see You in me...and that -- I would never give any advice  that was not from YOU.... BE in each and every season Lord..amen.  

Expecting #23 -- prayerfully walking not emotional walking....

Psalms 149.4  - The Lord delights in his people -- you -- he crowns the humble with victory. 

Ecclesiastes 7.9 - Control your temper; for anger labels you a fool.  

Galatians 5 The Message (MSG)

The Life of Freedom.5 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.^4-6 I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.^7-10 You were running superbly! Who cut in on you, deflecting you from the true course of obedience? This detour doesn’t come from the One who called you into the race in the first place. And please don’t toss this off as insignificant. It only takes a minute amount of yeast, you know, to permeate an entire loaf of bread. Deep down, the Master has given me confidence that you will not defect. But the one who is upsetting you, whoever he is, will bear the divine judgment.
^13-15 It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?^16-18 My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?^19-21 It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.^22-23 But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

True freedom -- being able to walk in freedom and know that you know God has you in HIS hands --------------and no matter what -- HE will make things right.  

Prayerfully walking - rather than emotional walking in that freedom.  

Seeking help -- Seeking counsel.  

Coming under spiritual authority.

These are ALL phrases and thoughts spinning in my head right now.  On Monday the Holy Spirit awoke me and gave me a list of topics for this blog/prayer.  Tonight - the one needed -- is walking it out -- prayerfully.  

I can only speak of my own situation -- but when the Lord allowed a major heartache to be revealed, I sat back and got angry and mad.  And I had a few ugly months where I destroyed physical things and if you were close - you got an earful.  I spewed to some that I NEVER should of opened up to.   But I was VERY careful not to spew it out on Face Book or to ALL...I choose a few close friends.   Somehow I just knew...if my marriage would be restored - there would be much I would have to correct ...and if we did not make it through...no matter what -- that man was the father to my children.  I was NOT going to stand before God and have God look at me and say, "michelle, why did you NOT do what I asked?".  

That was the motivation for showing grace and mercy -- cause THAT is what God clearly had said to me.  

 God actually brought me a few new friends -- that knew NOTHING about me....and that was refreshing, as they always spoke life to me and about me...and about the person that was hurting me.  

I sought godly counsel -- and I listened and DID what they suggested - prayerfully.  When I did not want to -- I called them to pray. 

I also sought professional help - and I listened to WHAT she stated to do -- we both did.  It was hard....it was NOT easy ...it took over a year of counsel.  

Insanity is doing the SAME stuff over and over -- in a marriage that has been broken...in a marriage that has suffered a loss and in a marriage where vows were broken.... you can't put a band-aid on it.  You can't say 'I am sorry, and you are forgiven' and expect it to remain perfect.  There is a sweet spirit there -- and the Lord will cover you -- but HE asks us to change.....  

One piece of advice or thought process our Therapist stated and we quote often -- "an affair is a symptom"  of other problems.  Drinking and taking some drugs or pills to 'numb' the pain is a symptom of other problems and add that to a marriage....ouch.  

When we prayerfully walk out our healing with counsel - godly and professional - and we take the time to MAKE the necessary changes of our own behavior -- I believe we can see  and I  have seen restoration.  

When we allow our emotions to do the healing and the counseling...I have seen changes...but changes that did not last.  Changes that hurt. 

Humbly seek counsel....be willing to come under authority of a Pastor /Counselor and follow their suggestions.  And if it is not working...go back to that Counselor and seek God and that person....many times... it takes some major surgery to fix a problem.....  there is a cost....  we think nothing of the cost to run to an emergency room to get help....why not RUN to a therapist that CAN be a new set of eyes.... and allow them to help - change the habits.  

The bottom line is -- I don't think some people WANT change. 

I don't believe that some WANT to do the HARD. 

People want QUICK fixes...  God can do that- but many times ...it takes time.  

HIS timing is perfect.  

As I said, the Holy Spirit gave me 7 topics...to blog on over the next week.  Many of the women that have returned from the Encounter Weekend are in recovery ....there was Holy Surgery done -- and the Holy Spirit warned them...to only allow a few visitors for the first few hours...to guard their hearts and head - as Satan ( and he is real ) and his helpers would be seeking to KILL, STEAL, and DESTROY...and I have seen it happen....not only within those women that went to the Encounter...but others too...

.....but others who have been told to ...seek counsel....won't follow it....

....others who have been prayed over -- and given advice to take it slow...and yet..they decided to manipulate the situation...they decided all was well...and it was not....

God is the God of second chances...and God will heal a humbled heart...  HE crowns the humble.... but His word also says -- HE labels one that can't control their anger -- as a fool.  

God is just. 

God is love.....and God is good....but HE is just.  

Exodus 14.14 - says that HE will fight for you -- God will....we must let God fight our battles...

Love covers a multitude of sins... and we must always forgive.  

But we must also do the HARD.  

If the Lord, has released your from a relationship because of adultery...then let it be......

But if God has NOT released you -- DO what God says... You will stand before Him one day - and YOu will have to account for your actions...what will you say?  

Lord....use these words this eve...I pray YOU will be glorified.  

In Jesus name...amen.  

- Humbled...

Grateful...and expecting that tomorrow -- one will do the HARD and  not allow the emotional walking...but will be prayerful and seek help - real help and do the HARD.   Or one will probably allow the enemy to tell her more lies -- and she will blame the accused or even me....but I know that I know - these words spoke truth.  God knows the desire of my heart - to speak life and encourage...

The hardest part is when 'the one' does not see that - and the spewing falls back upon me -- that is when I proclaim over and over -- Exodus 14.14 -- God is fighting for me - I need only be still -- and quiet too..  

Amen.  

I wish....

I wish we could of LIVE streamed this - another amazing night.  Our FIRST Men's Encounter Celebration where 'our' men put it together and 'our' men lead it.

I wish for this one moment the men were a bit more like the women -- as when women got up and shared what transpired -- they gave some details....most of these men only shared, " I am free".....LOL.

I wish I could see WHAT will transpire in the homes of these men over the next few days as they WALK in this new freedom.

I wish everyone I know - could experience the joy and journey these men embarked upon.

I wish I could afford to send EVERY one of my brothers  -- even fly them down from Wisconsin!!!  I really would if I could......

I wish my husband would of MADE it into this photo -- LOL!    Where or Who knows where he was?  Outside - greeting visitors......ah but no worries.  I can  totally see how being a leader at this Encounter has deepened his relationship with God!  

I wish you could of  seen my face when I witnessed my Father - n- Law 'dance in a sort of make shift Conga line'....that has NEVER happened before.   And he clapped WITH the beat -- miracles happen!


I wish you could of heard my friend Don...as he spoke about WHAT he received as being a leader -which brought us all to tears...but then laughter as another fellow then  - 'carried' him off the stage!    What laughter!!

I wish I would of recorded the CHANT when Doc got up to share and how his 'dirty underwares' were now clean....oh LORD --  What a miracle within his life alone  ..but to now see him set free of strongholds and we get to WITNESS what YOU are going to do through him....I am in tears - thinking of all of YOUR signs and wonders -- that I will get to see  as You shine in his life!

I wish all the women within my circle of friends and prayer warriors could experience what I did - when my husband came home from the Encounter and WE shared and talked about his experience as a leader and then I was able to share mine again ....and how we had such similar experiences with God -- and HOW that bonded us even together -- further....more healing!!



I wish for every woman that sat in that service this morning -- longing for their husband to go to an Encounter -- to have the HOPE that their husband will....soon!

I wish....

I wish..

Oh Wait......I know  ----

Lord, I pray -- I pray -- that you will indeed allow us to do this again....that those women that I pray for and with....WILL see their husbands attend the next MEN's Encounter and be set free.  
I pray for the men that wanted to attend this past Encounter but were unable too -- will wait patiently and soon - another one will be scheduled!  
I pray for YOUR will to be done Lord....
I thank you again for the time of my own Encounter and WHAT you did in me.  I thank you for my husband's Encounter and for the opportunities we have had to be leaders in the recent Women's and Men's Encounters.  I thank you for 'new family' that was  in the audience today -- that experienced a taste of WHAT YOU can do. I pray they will return - and FALL back in love with you -- or WANT to be closer to you!   I thank you -- for a Pastor and Wife....that had a  'life crisis'...which changed them....so it changed  what they did and HOW  they ministered...which changed me...and now I get to see it change others....

There is NO HIGH - like a Jesus high.

 There is NOTHING sweeter than when you pray for another and you see strongholds leave...there is NOTHING greater than to know -- God USED you in the life of another - and now that life is in the Lamb's Book of LIfe.  

God -- the words DO NOT give you the glory needed.....

God - YOU win...YOUR glory fell tonight...
YOUR glory - was in our place at church this eve....
YOUR glory will continue to shine within these families that are now forever changed because there is a FREED UP man within them and among them...
Lord, I pray as Pastor DAve did - that these men will KEEP their freedom and KEEP their bibles open - seeking and honoring you.  
Lord, thank you  -- I thank you that I don't have to WISH....I just pray.  
In YOUR name...amen.  
PS Lord -- I really felt that after the Women's Encounter -- 'how could YOU top THAT Celebration??....and YOU did tonight'....seriously.....
It is sort of like children - right ?   You can never really 'love one child more than another'...they are both equal and yet different and yet STILL the same.....
I can't even imagine WHAT transpired within your Heaven and its HOST of angels  this evening....did you all sit around and LOOK down upon us and have an incredible party too?  
And Lord - what happened  when 3 baptisms turned into 7 or 8?  .....
Touching.  YOU ROCK God.  YOU win.  I am honored and humbled  -- YOUR love never fails...and it never ceases to amaze me!  God, YOU amaze me.  All I wanted was my husband to love you again like he did as a young adult ...all I wanted was to be in ministry with him....and to know that YOU were looking about me and saying, "atta girl"....I am humbled, loved, forgiven, redeemed...speechless -- full of tears of joy ....but still ...WANTING to just praise YOU.  YOU truly love me 'that much'....and the glory of it all -- YOU love him that much - YOU love Frank...Doc...Brandon...Greg....Kelly....Rudy...and the REST...THAT much and YOU love Phillip...and Eli.... Alex...and the others...that I continue to hold before you - THAT much too --  it is amazing.  Oh wait -- that is cause YOU are God!!!  The Alpha and the Omega....thank you! 

- your daughter, Michelle 

Spiritual Adultery and the Someones --

This is a follow up from last night's post -- I want to make sure -- that it is understood that I committed adultery as well ---idolatry!   In my eyes -- my idolatry = spiritual adultery.  

Back in February of 2011,  I figured out what it meant to commit adultery....spiritual adultery against my Lord ...Jesus.   It broke me.

I  had the opportunity to attend an ENCOUNTER weekend.  Back then  it was quite 'colder' than it has been this winter.  Back then, the bags under my eyes were pretty thick and dark!  Back then, I knew that once the weekend was over, my husband and I had planned to separate again.  We had come to an agreement that it was time. I began to realize that free will is something God gave us for a reason.

God's timing is perfect.  Really -- it has been over 3 years since then.  What can all happen in 3 years?   A baby can be born.  A child can be conceived.  One gets older.  One can lose a loved one and one can get a diagnosis that changes everything.   One can pay off a loan,  one can spend countless hours in prayer, and one's heart can harden.   One can also spend  endless hours in praise,  thanking GOD for a miracle and HIS covering and a blessing.  .......thanking HIM for the cross.

So, like I titled this - spiritual adultery....

Everyone is quick to judge when they hear the word 'adultery' and yet, I have found and know that God does not have levels of sin.  Sin is sin.

I found this in my bible's commentary near the book of Hosea:

Both spiritual and physical adultery are against God's law.

Both spiritual and physical adultery begin with disappointment and dissatisfaction--either real or imagined -- with an already existing relationship.

Both spiritual and physical adultery begin with diverting affection from one object of devotion to another.  ....this diverting of our affection is the first step in the binding process that leads to sin.

Both spiritual and physical adultery involve a process of deterioraton, it is not usually an impulsive decision.....but because you don't realize it, we finally do realize it when it is too late!

Both spiritual and physical adultery involve the creation of fantasy about what a new object of love can do for you...such fantasy creates unrealistic expectations ....and it leads to disappointment in all existing and future relationships.

That was deep - was it not?

I committed spiritual adultery.

Like it or not - that is that.

Israel rejected God's love...they committed Adultery.

The book of Hosea illustrates God's love for his people -- the sinners.

Hosea 3.1...."The Lord said to me, 'Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adultress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, thought they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes'".

Back at my Encounter Weekend, on a Saturday night - I  came to a full realization that I had committed adultrey.

 Praise God I had people around me to help me take my sin to the cross. But God opened my eyes that weekend and I knew.  I already knew I was a sinner and I already knew that because of my own sin, and because of what I had heard my Lord tell me...I was suppose to forgive my husband of physical adultery...but I never really realized the pain I caused Jesus....what I did to put HIM on the Cross.

Three years ago at my Encounter, I experienced HIS love and teaching from some ladies that understood what it meant to commit spiritual adultery.  And, I had a vision  ( during extended prayer time ) and I saw, Jesus coming to pick me up out of the muck and mire and put me on HIS horse after he brushed off the dirt that was all over me and  then I experienced the most beautiful yellow....I believe I saw God's eye's for a brief moment.  I believe that I 'got it' on that night.....it all made sense.

 Thus that night, I was really able to totally give my marriage and my husband, and my job, and my family ....up to HIM.  I was finally able to TAKE my hands off and allow HIM to work within our lives.  I was finally able to say, I LOVE and trust YOU Lord.  It was that night, that I was washed clean of all of my sin. Washing clean of the sin I had no idea was all over me and I rededicated myself to HIM.

Then I returned home.  Learning to LIVE in that knowledge  has become  the true act of worship to HIM.   Learning to really LIVE what it meant to trust HIM is the hard part.  It has been over three  years.......

It has been over three  years of much love, renewed strength, prayer and fun.

It has been over three years of counsel, fasting, and more prayer.

It has been over three  years of uncertainty and yet the most blessed peace.

It has been over three years of the MOST awesome time in my life...in our lives....

It has been over three  years of a FRESH walk with Jesus.

HE has allowed scars, so I never forget!

I am so humbled.  I will forever sing of HIS praises.

HE has given me such a peace about so much, and the stuff I am still unsure of..I trust HE will lead, direct and show me the path.

But my heart aches for some.

Someone else needs to read this today.

Someone else has put other things in front of her Lord.

Someone loves his job too much, he  really doesn't see it but he make excuses and excuses as to why he doesn't  need to be in a church under the covering of a Pastor each weekend and his wife just agrees.

Someone loves their children way too much, ahead of their spouse and their needs come first and one day they won't realize it until it is too late, but that will cause rebellion.

Someone loves her body, or the idol worship of exercise,  to cloud their judgement, thinking and believing that God is going to notice their size in heaven...when in fact they are not putting that amount of time into learning about HIM. And her children are watching 'what' is important to their mother.

Someone thinks that having an affair is better for their situation -- even for their marriage.

Someone thinks that going to an establishment where sin and immortality is welcomed is no big deal.

Someone thinks.....they have PLENTY of time to change something later -- but for now - that sin is pleasurable and they 'deserve' it.  

Someone else needs to ask themselves....is my husband my idol?

I can speak...as that was me.

 Ouch.

 From the outside, I had so many believing I was this great warrior for God - I was at times.  I do believe I prayed and did as much as I knew HOW to do, but my view of God and my trust of HIM was so so so shallow.  And,  I did a great deal of GOOD for HIM and HIS Kingdom, but I failed, I allowed idolatry to sneak its way in and I did not realize it until it was too late.  But maybe it was not too late....I believe HE opened my eyes when I was ready to change!  I believe HE knew I had to fall out of love, allow a love to perish so it could be rebuilt, and I believe HE wanted so much more out of me.

I hurt for them.   The Someones.   I see some of them around me.  I know the pain that God will allow - HE wants NO one to perish.   ( And God does NOT punish - but HE allows suffering when he is being the good Father and disciplining.) 

I also hurt for their children...as the fruit of this rebellion will show up - later.  I hurt for them....I want to grab them and shake them- wake up. My husband and I talk about the someones often, he is better at discerning and reminding me that PRAYER is our battle tool and that with the ARMOR of HIM, we can be there when those Someones fall.

I hate it, but I believe those Someones have to fall....they have to be broken to be used.  Pride is the biggest that will fall. I had a lot of Pride.  A lot.

When you are really in lOVE with the Lord, and know exactly what Jesus did for you at the cross - you don't want anyone else to perish.  YOU want to spent moments and moments in worship ...reading, praying, and learning more...being close to HIM.  You understand what Prayer without ceasing means and you want to get plugged in.  YOU want more of HIM.

You simply WANT more of HIM.  

You want what HE wants.  

And you HURT ....when you see the lost -- so you pray and maybe write....a blog....

I saw a video/skype/ telecast of Francis Chan during the Passion 2013 conference back in January of 2013.  He was brought to tears and I won't forget what he said, "if you want to be close to Jesus and experience HIM...just ask, and begin to share that faith with the lost"..."YOU will get close very quickly...YOU can't help it - it will challenge and change you."

Lord, I always want  to speak in love, and I pray that those 'someones'....would see something in me that they want.  Oh God, open their eyes.  I am not your Holy Spirit, some of those Someones are SO blind and believe they are 'ok'...OH God....I don't want them left behind.  

Oh Lord, spare them the pain of being knocked  to their knees, but if  You don't spare them and allow the Enemy to strike, let me be ready to pray for them and love on them.  Bring them to my mind, and to my husband's mind...we want to bind the Enemy and help them experience YOUR forgiveness.

 Lord, I pray my children will never experience spiritual adultery, God I pray they will make a covenant with you and hold tight.   Oh God, I see them - they are young adults and yet, I know they know.  Oh Lord, it is so easy to allow the Enemy to get a foothold...in...oh God, if there is anything I am holding onto or beginning to become an idol - show me!  - Amen

Lord,  may I remember this:

"Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins"  1 Peter 4.8

Lord, there are  several  families that are on my heart as I type...but Lord, there are more.  Lord, since I wrote this blog over a year ago - many of those couples have come and gone ..some have received healing, some felt the pressure of the world and just walked away ......it hurts.   I know Brendan has been praying and IS praying  for others.  Lord, I know of family....Oh God....I want them all to experience YOUR full freedom because of what you did on the cross.  This blog has been a bit heavy - may it speak to THOSE who need to read and hear it.  Lord, bless those Someones right now, I pray protection over them.  Oh God, open my eyes...I want to see with my spiritual eyes...what you WANT me to do.  I will Lord.  I want YOU to use me.  Amen.

Humbled,

your daughter!

and my foot may be broken.....

 Psalm 63

A psalm of David, regarding a time when David was in the wilderness of Judah.

¹ O God, you are my God;
    I earnestly search for you.  ( I've been  having a sort of indifferent time in the past two weeks.  Well, I say indifferent and yet,  I say - Blessed...only YOU, God,  can understand that! ) 

My soul thirsts for you;
    my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
    where there is no water.  ( I admit Lord, it seemed like there was just a dry spot - like I was waiting and asking for Your words and Your direction but it sort of seemed You were also telling me to just 'get over yourself'  -- or maybe it was 'be still' ....) 

² I have seen you in your sanctuary
    and gazed upon your power and glory. ( Oh my ....have I ever gazed on Your glory?  yes, I have!!    These past two weeks have just been tremendous - some incredible blessings and yet, some incredible lows  and thoughts, and then the incredible realization of how SHORT life is ) 

³ Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
    lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
⁵ You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.  ( I will praise You for as long as I live.  I have so much to be thankful for and there is such JOY in my heart and head!   

 I heard Bob Coy say this am -- are you doing what you want to do?  Are you sharing Jesus with another?  He was speaking about the martyrs and how they died for Jesus - do I die for Jesus?  I mean when they gave their life up for HIM...they went to heaven ..RIGHT away and we say 'awe' and yet ..we should say 'YES..lucky them! '.  Would I die for Christ?  Do I have what it takes?

I think so, I mean - God I pray that when I am with people the NEED to share Your love does penetrate my being!  )  

⁶ I lie awake thinking of you,
    meditating on you through the night.
⁷ Because you are my helper,
    I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
    your strong right hand holds me securely.  ( OH how those words have been music to my breaking heart... comfort to a hurting  head, and joy to my soul...and how they have sustained me in times where I felt I was so alone.   Your right hand DOES hold me!  )  

⁹ But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
    They will go down into the depths of the earth.
¹⁰ They will die by the sword
    and become the food of jackals.  ( In my opinion,  the only one plotting to kill me this past week was the Enemy -- even though I felt I was 'dying' cause my foot was in pain.  Silly me!  )  

¹¹ But the king will rejoice in God.
    All who trust in him will praise him,
    while liars will be silenced.  ( I do trust you Lord,  and the liars will be silenced -- oh do I wait for that day! )  

The past ten days have been indifferent or weird.  I have wanted to blog several times and today -- I came across something that spoke to my head and had me reflecting.  

When I blog, I really want my words  to be of God ...and HIS works, so that  the one  reading will hear my heart and maybe want  to SEEK  what should be beaming out of me-- God.  

When I blog, I want it to be read by many  and I find myself checking back to see how many 'hits' I have.  I can do this with the site I use.   I also am very protective of a few entries -- I don't want them to be misread or commented on  -- I want them to be accepted.   And yet I do.  I want feedback.   And there is was.....  Did you hear that?  

Whoa -- pride.   YEP- Pride.  A form of pride.   I never 'saw' this as pride before, or maybe I did - but I did not let it really sink in.  It did not make sense until today or maybe God just really opened my eyes now to WHAT HE wanted me to learn next. 

God gave me a talent to write.  I was thinking that I was being  humble in writing...making sure I was giving all glory and honor to HIM, but in that humbleness - there was pride.    That is what I gathered out of a blog that was written by a lady on a blog site that Angela Thomas shared.  

I will share it:  

I used to think my self-doubt and insecurity about writing were signs of my profound humility. It felt noble and heroic to be this full of agonizing self-doubt. It felt lowly and meek to be so tortured about whether or not I could write. I could almost hear the soundtrack and the violins. If there’d been open, windswept moors nearby, I’d have been on them.

But that’s the thing about pride. It hides itself.

The more I go on, the more I realize, it’s entirely the other way round. Our self-doubt and insecurity don’t reveal our humility; they mask our pride.

When you’re doubting whether you can do it, whether you’re a good writer, you’re looking to yourself, what you can do, what resources you have. You’re focused entirely inwardly, on yourself.

It’s pride because it means you think it’s all about you.

But if you realize it’s not about you — that whatever you have is a gift from God — if, in other words, you get out of the way — then you can be fearless. There is no vision too great, nothing too outrageous to dream, nothing too impossible to dare.

–Sally Lloyd-Jones

 I think I see and understand what the author meant.    

Maybe I am not explaining that too well -- but, these are God's words to share with anyone who reads it - God is giving me this post - to post, cause I boldly want to declare that God wins and that -- we can overcome anything with HIS help.  

So as I blog and post, I really should not feel the need to check back to see if anyone has read it and then place a value judgement on it...that was pride.  

So with that - I am blogging.  

The past 10 days have been indifferent from my perspective.   

This blog post may be a set of random thoughts but then again - it may be profound - only God knows.  

 Psalm 63 is a great prayer and request to God.  I have made a lot of requests to God in the past 2 weeks.  I have begged and pleaded with him to grant my pal in Watertown a miracle.   ( Trace )  I have prayed for financial burdens.   ( Our own, our kids and our insurance office.) I have prayed that HP would get to be a part of the TRAVEL FAU team ( he did ) and for his studies and for his walk with our Lord,  and I have prayed hives off of my other child - TP as well as other prayers for her.  

I have prayed for a new couple dealing with pain.  I have prayed for many and I continue to hold my family right there - extended and close - the ones' on the fence, the ones' lost, and the ones' that really have NO clue...and those that love HIM with a passion but they are too busy to put HIM first.   I also pray that the seeds I plant take root --   as I am just to sow a seed - HE does the growing.    

I have also come across some old memories  or triggers due to different circumstances and just how the enemy works  that back into our lives -- and I have had to forgive again - a person whom I blamed for hurt. 

  I have asked God to make sure - I give it to HIM.  I don't want ANYTHING to stand in the way of my relationship with HIM.  I can't harbor any unforgiveness or the least bit of envy or maybe feeling of revenge.   I give this person to HIM.   And I know that I have to seek forgiveness from another - I found something I wrote back in May of 2011, and in my very young/Christian head - this was only two years ago - I hurt and offended her and that is NOT what God wanted me to do. 

 I so, see it clearly now -- and now I am ready to say SORRY  and understand that I need to repent of that judgmental and callus attitude when it comes to her feelings --  she is a child of God too! Sometimes the hardest ones to love on -- are our OWN close family members.  

   How God reveals stuff in HIS time.    I found a letter that I will address from another. It spoke volumes to me, as in some of the old memories and circumstances have also  crept into conversations   these past 10 days, I can see how those situations hurt me and so therefore, I can clearly see how my words hurt her- I am reminded that the past is the past and yet, this part of my past and the apology that I must send forth - seemed to be buried in the past- but HE revealed it to me - and reminded me of what to do next.   And, with HIS correction and guidance -- restoration can now take place and I am praying she receives it.   Now - how creative of God to do that.  

HE really is in control. 
So why did I hurt my foot?  The doctor can't find anything wrong.
-Maybe I had to see the doctor again for HIS purpose.... 
-Maybe I had to learn  listen to my body and not wear the high heels that often....
-Maybe I was suppose to be at the  other doctor's office for a higher purpose.... 
-Maybe I  just really hurt it and it was to slow me down a bit ...one can't move fast when they have a limp....
--Maybe  the injury is just an object lesson for me -- to just DRAW closer to HIM.  
Or Maybe it is just a way to remind me -- I am prideful, as wearing the 'orthopedic shoe' is killing my vanity - they don't look CUTE with my outfits!  

 And THEN I have foot pain.   Again.    

Yep, I spent the last few days getting x-rays and then an ultrasound on my leg to find out the reason for some lumps, and some aches and pains.  I believe we are on the right track with the doctor, but I had an epiphany on Saturday as I was feeling VERY sorry for myself.  I really believe that God was just reminding me ..'get over yourself'  or He was saying 'be still!'

  Now God would never say that - 'get over yourself' -- I mean I did not hear a angelic choir but HE speaks to me via people, HIS word, and HE impresses upon me HIS thoughts - I can hear HIM when I am in prayer and conversation  ...but God... - HE is too much of a gentlemen, but HIS correction is felt.

  I know that no matter what the problem is, HE will provide the way to overcome it through HIM.  And besides, I have others around me struggling with WORSE circumstances and yet, they are working through it.  Praise God.  

By the way, I finally sought out prayer and swallowed my pride and asked for prayer to fix my legs -- how is it that I KNOW what I KNOW and yet, within a week's time, I feel like I am back having to relearn a few lessons like I just declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior last week -- when it has been years!  

And my cell group prayed along with some other prayer warriors on Thursday  and today - my foot pain is almost gone - believing it was just a distraction....!!

I have been praying, and planning to walk 60 miles in 2 weeks - in honor of a pal and in support of many dealing and battling with breast cancer - I want to help find a cure.

  My participation is also selfish and yet it also meets a need.  The three days , I walk in that walk, I am told how wonderful and awesome I am by many strangers.  It is three days of being pampered and being fed words of affirmation  as you walk in 100 degree heat with the chance of getting blisters...but, it is also meeting a need.  It gives one such a sense of accomplishment to know that you helped - find a cure.  I am careful to ask God - is this my pride??...or am I doing this for the right reasons? 

I believe I am doing it for the right reasons and because of this walk - you can sort of understand WHY I can't have foot pain - it just does not match up.!! 

In closing -- I had to seek out forgiveness from my hubby, in those moments that the  memories of the past resurfaced, my flesh wanted to make him hurt too and it did a few times.  In my quiet time, I had to confess to God that I may be spending more time ministering to others rather than putting my time with HIM first.  In my faith department, I had to go back to the basics and repeat what I know works -- putting HIM first and reading HIS word.   Prayer.  Prayer and more prayer.  

I guess these  past two weeks were just a good 'funk'.  And with the coming of this weekend - my husband will be helping with a Men's Encounter for another church.  He will hear from God and have a new Encounter with HIM. 

So, why wouldn't the Enemy be attacking us both -- as the Enemy knows he is being defeated with every soul being set free!  

 And THAT could be the reason why I have foot pain - the enemy has sort of tired his best again to get into our lives....little cracks left open, where he can settle in and begin to lie again and if we are NOT careful - our flesh repeats our past and we ..have a weird  or indifferent week.   But guess what HE won.  

Amen.  

Lord, help me always, to remember my OWN sin and therefore not allow the past of his sin..or her sin..or their sin...or mine...distract me.  God my 'sin' was JUST as bad and set you upon the cross as well!  I realize that!  
 Lord, bless him - my handsome man -  as he continues to heal and God I pray that I would discern better next time when an onslaught of  lies from the enemy approaches.  Lord, that there would be NO pride what so ever - Lord, that this blog would bless another - it blessed me just by being able to vent and share my love for YOU Lord.  Lord, I pray you are saying - well done my good and faithful daughter.  And Thank you for the blessing of being asked to carry the flag in the Opening and Closing ceremonies at the Walk - this is YOUR way of reminding me - I am your girl - I know it - as ONLY YOU knew how important that was to me.  Only YOU understand my head and heart - and you give the desires of our hearts to us - you really do, even when I have allowed the enemy to lie to me here and there these past two weeks.  Wow Lord, I am humbled -- and that is not pride ..

I am humbled that YOU love me THAT much. 
God I pray -others will want this too.  BAD...BAd enough to be bold and come to church ..or seek forgiveness..or even OPEN Your word.   God they are Yours.  
Your daughter - chell