Another Guest blogger - When God answers prayer.....

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This is just me....  

Sometimes people write for therapy.   Some people write to just be heard.  Some are paid to write...others write to make you laugh and others still write to teach you something.   That is why I write.  I pray that as I write, it will make you laugh, cause you to pray a little more or even have hope to believe in a miracle;  but I also like to share what  God has been teaching me.    So I blog.  I feel compelled to write.  When a few days pass and I don't blog -- I miss it.  I pray against 'checking' my numbers.  (Checking to see how many have visited the blog site and then comparing one blog to another.)  The enemy would LOVE to use this against me and at times, I have to recheck my heart.  

I have made mistakes.  I have shared too much at times, and I believe I have been too IN YOUR FACE as well.   I also know, some won't read my blogs anymore -- because it does bring conviction but also -- they just don't care and THAT is ok too.  Before I publish any blog, I ask God once again -- is this for YOU or for ME?   And I believe that when HE no longer has me writing and publishing for HIS purpose...I will know!  As, I will stand accountable for every word - one day.  

I also love to read blogs.  I don't read every blog I come across -- I stick with Christian sites and so forth.  I have a few bloggers that I will read but I also look for new writers.  

I pray that as you read this, and I am speaking to you - the reader - I am well aware of your time.
  Time is precious and often people won't read a blog because it is too long or it just does not interest them.  But I pray that if you were led here because you know me or because God directed you to read this ....then I pray that the time spent was indeed WORTH it.    A blog post was a way GOD spoke to me when I needed to know there was hope.  So...it is kind of dear to my heart.  

And, I am well aware that my blogs are long.  They just are.  However, some of the best blogs I have read, and some of God's best stories in HIS Word...are a little longer than a 2 minute read.  

Facebook is dear to me as well, as in a time when I  felt so totally alone and broken, God used that medium for several to contact me and HE orchestrated it and it ...a that moment...saved a life - mine.  I was ready to quit.  

So, earlier this week, I had a sweet woman of God write up what she had shared at our recent Women's Breakfast and I shared it.  I was so blessed by the analogy of a Toaster that I asked her to write it up so I could share!!  

I have been privileged and honored to work with many many women of God and often I will say to them.."you need to write a blog".   I have seen God work so tremendously with a broken spirit and it is hopeful and inspiring.  Their stories inspire me....so I must share!  

Several of my blogs -- I know have inspired  others.   Those people have told me so.  I have been told I should submit them to be published  -- like through Crosswalk.com or another Faith based publications.  

I admit, I have not ventured into that -- I have submitted a few to one publication but they were not published.  I guess I got gun shy.  However, I know that often it takes many submissions ...to be published.  

But anyway ----  here is another guest blogger. 

 For today, she is a mystery writer.  She has written before. I know she will write again.    Today's blog is for her... she wrote this.  She has record of how God is speaking to her right now. However, her words and her insight are timeless and for others to read and soak in as well. 

But tonight, this is for another and it was for me -- as I read her words, I was reminded of HOW God romanced me and brought me back to life.  

As you read and I pray you will READ it all -- I hope that you would feel that relationship with God as well. One so close, that you would not go back.    I could relate to her and as she wrote and  I answered..."NOPE, I am NOT going back!"  

To you - my readers-- 

Thank you --  for reading my blog, for allowing me this format.  Thank you, as if you are one of those faithful ones that have signed up for the email link and  get the blog first...  you will probably understand the pain in  this blog about answered prayers. 

Thank you -- if you are a reader because I share this on FB, I pray that the time spent reading this - is indeed -- not wasted.  However, I know that God will indeed speak to you as well.  

I am humbled that I am able to share this. 

I am humbled and honored that she would let me share this.  

 This mystery writer  is in the middle of a storm -- but she is fighting like a true warrior knowing God will win!     And I know that I know - God is indeed looking down and saying, "that is one of mine, well done girl, well done my good and faithful servant". 

 humbled to be in HIS service, Michelle   

When God answers prayer but it doesn’t look anything like you expected

I have a confession to make….

I am a mess.

Simply put. I’m a mess.

I make so many failures as a wife, mother, step mother, friend, sister, co-worker, etc. etc. etc.

I am a woman living in a sinful world; I make so many mistakes daily but I’m striving for the Kingdom of God and I’m so impressed with God’s ability to not only forgive me but pull me into His presence and love on me.

The primary focus of my prayers for over a year have been to transform and increase my marriage and my family.

Daily I have prayed protection over each member of my family as well as the sanctity of my marriage.

I was remembering my prayers this morning as I lay in my bed listening to my child lightly breathing - my child  would let out a little chuckle over whatever dream was keeping my child  so joyfully captivated.

I thought about some of the other prayers I’ve prayed over the course of this year and realized they are being answered… but in some rather painful ways right now.

Lead me with wisdom and discernment, Lord. Take me deeper with You, Lord. Guide me. Grant me wisdom and help me to become more selfless. Remove fear. Lord, help me to fight, to hold on. Strengthen my faith. Learn patient endurance. Make me into a wife my husband will trust, love and cherish. Remove me and place YOU into every area. Change me from the inside out. Reckless obedience in God. Discipline me with hasty compliance and submission. To be humble. Remove all self-righteous lies the enemy whispers. Purge me, Lord. Circumcise my heart. Face what I fear (being alone) and become fearless. Search me, Lord. Deal with me swiftly of anything stopping me from the full potential You have for me.  Lord, show me any unforgiveness, bitterness, grieving the Holy Spirit, bring it to light and cleanse me. May I abide in You. I want to be a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God.

These have been my sincere prayers this past year.

This is the raw revelation to those prayers.

We never truly recognize how much a mess we are until God starts to deal with us.

When He starts to peel back the layers of the deepest parts of our souls and pulls out all of the ‘ugly’.

This is such a painful process.

This morning as I lay in bed, I had to ask myself one question.

In this valley. This dark pit I’m in, this immeasurable pain, while God is refining me through the fire. Would I ever turn back? Could I ever go back to the person I used to be?

You see, the enemy wasn’t trying to tear me down when I wasn’t serving the Lord.

It was when I started chasing after the very thread of His robe that the enemy started taking notice.

He realized that when God started working in me, in my husband, in our family, that we would be a mighty force to be reckoned with.

So, he attacks.

And… the Lord fights… and He also allows this time to take me through the fiery furnace to remove all of the dirt and soot stopping me from my fullest potential in Him. To…. Remind me….. I cannot operate in my own strength or knowledge. It comes from Him… To humble me.

To break me. So I can turn and fully rely on Him and Him alone.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 The Message (MSG)

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

I have looked back over the past 6 years of my life. The valleys I’ve been in. The struggles. The pain. These times, God’s still small voice was there. He was loving me. He was strengthening me. He was refining me.

He still does.

And He disciplines.

A loving father will allow his children free will to choose their own way. He will let them make mistakes. Then in his unfailing love, he will reveal the error of our ways, he will discipline and he will wipe the slate clean. That’s what a loving father does.

This is what God continues to do in my life.

But it’s one done out of the complete, unfailing love of a genuine father that wants to first reveal, discipline and cleanse of anything.

Could I ever turn back? Could I ever return to the ways of my past? Could I ever go somewhere where I could not hear His voice or sense His presence?

If He could deliver me from my pain right now, would I do it if it meant I’d never hear Him or feel Him again?

As Moses said In Exodus 33:15 "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.”

No, Lord. Don’t leave me. I’ll stay in the fire. I’ll allow You to cleanse me and purge me. I’ll allow You to do Your work in and through me.

I could never turn back.

To think of You not being the very center of my life frightens me.

So, thank you, Lord.

Thank you that You are my discipline, You are the refiner of my soul, You cleanse me of my flesh making me into Your likeness. Thank you, You are answering my prayers. You are strengthening.

It is the faith planted and grown from my grandmother and mother that now lives in me (2 Timothy 1:5) that I will stand through the fire. I will walk through the trials. I will submit in total obedience to my Lord and Savior to refine me.

For HIS Kingdom.

James 1:2-6

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,  3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Lord, You are answering my prayers. Not in the way I expected, wanted or anticipated.

This is Your will.

I will submit.

Your obedient daughter anchored in You.

Dear Mrs. Alone - repost!

Some time ago, in the middle of one of the MANY books I have read on marriage, love, hurt, God, restoration, healing...etc...  etc....  etc........I came across a book by Debi Pearl.

    Submission.  

What does it really mean and look like?

My opinion:

 Submission does not mean that you have to take verbal abuse OVER and OVER again.  

Submission does not mean that you can be hit and mocked and then left alone. 

Submission does not mean that you must do everything your husband says especially if it means lying, deceiving or harming another.  

THAT ....is not submission - that is being a bully.

 And if your husband is being a bully and hurting both you and your children by his actions, or putting you in physical harm because of habits and other stuff...you have EVERY right to seek counsel and say - enough.  

And you do not have to submit to that.  

Some factual information I found:

Submission is:
 (  http://carm.org/apologetics/womens-issues/what-does-it-mean-wife-submit-her-husband)

 One of the most difficult concepts in God’s Word is biblical submission.  The word submission is not limited to wives alone.  For example, Christians are to submit themselves to each other (Ephesians 5:21), to government (Romans 13:1), and unto God (James 4:7).  This is a frequent concept in the Bible.  Self-sacrifice is required in each circumstance.  Submission is never glossed over to be seen as easy or always convenient.  Instead, it is viewed as service unto God.

The Greek word for submission is hupotasso, “to subordinate…put under…”   God exhorts women to voluntarily follow their husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:1).  A woman is actively doing this-- choosing to put herself under leadership, choosing to be subordinate in a circumstance or relationship.  This is not forced upon her by the recipient.

A wife shows submission unto her husband when she allows him to take leadership in the relationship.  His position as leader is biblical (1 Corinthians 11:3).  Abraham’s wife, Sarah, is an example of a woman following her husband’s lead (1 Peter 3:6).  Sarah has never been confused with being a woman who was a frail doormat.  Peter notes that she was not afraid in life.  Submission should not be confused with a person being weak.

  My heart breaks for some. 

Now back to my opinion:

As I said, My heart breaks for some.  There are some that can not submit to a godly husband and they  must be the spiritual head in their home.  And yet, there are still others  ----

----Others that are hurting and trying to be their husband's holy spirit or their husband's mother.
Some ladies are trying their best to sabotage their marriage...they are speaking death into it --
How do I know this?

I see it and hear it - often.    How?      --Cause I used to be THAT person --

In my own way, I had allowed idols to come into our home and marriage.  I was not paying attention.
I became the  self-appointed holy spirit for my husband.
I  became the a self- appointed guardian of his thoughts....and I had other self- appointed qualities.

Now I do not have those qualities.

God changed me.
Therapy changed my attitude.   Therapy changed my habits.
And now - I must practice a some  godly communication practices to make sure - I submit to my Lord....

And...I allow my husband to be the spiritual head of my home.   And I submit -- but I am NOT weak.  

The letter posted below is a part of the book by Debi Pearl.  

   THIS letter....it was a letter that REALLY shook me up as I read this book by Debi Pearl.  ( 3 years ago. )  It put many things into perspective.   It was a letter that brought me to my knees for the 100th time  and it had me seek forgiveness from my own husband.  It was a letter that I read often to remind myself -- we are just as responsible for the marriage and its problems, there is never just one person at fault. 

If there are children involved....any age....we owe them...we need to try the HARD before we give up. God can heal and restore, HIS blood is enough but I am well aware that perhaps it is just too hard or too painful.  SEEK HIM in those decisions.

But anyway.........

I see and hear  woman around me.  I hear them  speak to their husbands on the phone, around their friends, and in front of their  children.  Sometimes I hear them talking in line at the grocery store.     children speak of parents of their friends.       It happens when I overhear ladies in Publix.  It happens at the gym.  It happens amongst friends.   It happens at my work place and in the parking lot.    It happens on TV all the time.  It happens at the hairdressers and especially at the nail place......it just happens.  I hear stuff.  And I want to say - 'do you hear yourself?'  

I know I don't know their  pain, and I am so sure there are always two sides to every thing, but I just wonder how much better some of their  world would be, if they  read and listened to the pain in this letter. 

I posted it first on September 21, 2010.  I felt led to post it again. 

This letter is in the chapter about submission.

 This letter is not written from a woman that was abused.  I believe this letter is written by a Christian woman that was VERY similar to me at one point - that is why it HIT me so squarely between the eyes and I wept.

I have not met  anyone in  particular  in the past few days that prompted me to share this again.  I have not counseled one or another....the Holy Spirit led me to this post again because I knew it needed to be shared.  I pray right now...that the RIGHT one reading this blog post - gets it.

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Dear Alone,

         Thank you for your letter.  Your letter is something woman should read so  I am placing it in my book for others to read.

                           Sincerely, Debi Pearl

Here it the letter:

Dear Mrs. Pearl, I would like to tell my story . . that others may be warned .. I'm  alone but never thought I would be … I made many mistakes in my marriage but I wish someone would of pulled me aside and given me some advice. I hear many young marrieds or woman complaining…but they need to seek God’s word,  they need to be open to the truth.

The things I did or failed to do were not everyday, constantly overt, or  in the face actions. They were subtle, ebbing and flowing, but there, nonetheless.

When my husband acted selfishly at home, allowed his tempter to flare, and sometimes said curse words, and then went to church and acted spiritual, I wish I had prayed postively for him instead of withdrawing a little emotinally from him and letting my cynicism and lack of confidence in him be so manifest. I wish I had openly showed love and acceptance of him for himself, not impatiently wait until he acted right.

When my husband failed the children, failed to have devotions, failed to be spiritual, failed to lead as he should, I wish I had completely trusted God and maintained unity, honor, reverence, and submission with a glad and trusting heart. I wish I had kept the children honoring him and praying for their dad instead of allowing my martyred attitude to manifest itself so openly.

When he made a statement about someone or something, I wish I had not always put his opinion down, letting him know he was wrong again.

When he acted like a jerk, I wish I had remainded quiet and prayed for him, loved him anyway instead of letting him know what I thought about him and his actions.

When he tried to make it  up to me,  for some failure, I wish I had not been so cool, waiting for him to suffer a little more and be more intense and sincere about his apology.

When he spent money I thought we did not have, I wish I had remained quiet and trusted God. I wish I had shown continued confidence in him, regardless of his decisions.

When he wanted me to do something, and I did not want to do it, I wish I had cheerfully complied instead of making him sorry he asked. Hardheadedness is not a trait to endear any woman to a man.

When he needed a woman to believe in him, admire him, approve of him, accept him, regardless of his failures, I wish now that I had been the one to give him those things.

When I thought keeping his faults before him— just small things he did and said— and keeping myself a little standoffish in my approval of him, was the only way he would change, I wish someone would of taken me aside and told me how badly mistaken I was to think that it was my place to apply and keep the pressure on.

When he were in the company of family and friends, I wish I had not taken on a martyred air when he left to go off and do something on his own.

When he did not know how to show love, and I felt a void emtionally, I wish I had borne all things and hoped all things, and loved him unconditionally, instead of giving up inside and turning to friends and family for my emotional support and needs. I never saw the need to endear myself to him. I took for granted that he would fulfill the husband’s moral obligation to love me. I wish I had gone to “God’s Beauty School” for the whole woman.

I wish someone would of told me . .

Sincerely, Alone

Lord I pray for whomever this was for.  IN Jesus name, Amen.  I just got back from Church this evening and my Pastor spoke about POSITIVE words... I do believe this letter is a reminder - reminding a woman that is still married ....that maybe, just maybe  some positive prayer is the answer.  And God I pray you will protect this...I don't want anyone to read into this and think that this letter is an 'excuse' for sin.  I mean -- some marriages are VERY hard and there needs to be real counsel and perhaps even time apart so that REAL therapy can take ahold and changed are made.  As so many times.....no one wants to STOP the insanity -- they just continue to do what they always did and don't get to the ROOT of the problem.  But I do believe this letter represents several marriages....that could be healed with some godly submission to GOD.... Amen.  - Michelle 

Spiritual Adultery and the Someones --

This is a follow up from last night's post -- I want to make sure -- that it is understood that I committed adultery as well ---idolatry!   In my eyes -- my idolatry = spiritual adultery.  

Back in February of 2011,  I figured out what it meant to commit adultery....spiritual adultery against my Lord ...Jesus.   It broke me.

I  had the opportunity to attend an ENCOUNTER weekend.  Back then  it was quite 'colder' than it has been this winter.  Back then, the bags under my eyes were pretty thick and dark!  Back then, I knew that once the weekend was over, my husband and I had planned to separate again.  We had come to an agreement that it was time. I began to realize that free will is something God gave us for a reason.

God's timing is perfect.  Really -- it has been over 3 years since then.  What can all happen in 3 years?   A baby can be born.  A child can be conceived.  One gets older.  One can lose a loved one and one can get a diagnosis that changes everything.   One can pay off a loan,  one can spend countless hours in prayer, and one's heart can harden.   One can also spend  endless hours in praise,  thanking GOD for a miracle and HIS covering and a blessing.  .......thanking HIM for the cross.

So, like I titled this - spiritual adultery....

Everyone is quick to judge when they hear the word 'adultery' and yet, I have found and know that God does not have levels of sin.  Sin is sin.

I found this in my bible's commentary near the book of Hosea:

Both spiritual and physical adultery are against God's law.

Both spiritual and physical adultery begin with disappointment and dissatisfaction--either real or imagined -- with an already existing relationship.

Both spiritual and physical adultery begin with diverting affection from one object of devotion to another.  ....this diverting of our affection is the first step in the binding process that leads to sin.

Both spiritual and physical adultery involve a process of deterioraton, it is not usually an impulsive decision.....but because you don't realize it, we finally do realize it when it is too late!

Both spiritual and physical adultery involve the creation of fantasy about what a new object of love can do for you...such fantasy creates unrealistic expectations ....and it leads to disappointment in all existing and future relationships.

That was deep - was it not?

I committed spiritual adultery.

Like it or not - that is that.

Israel rejected God's love...they committed Adultery.

The book of Hosea illustrates God's love for his people -- the sinners.

Hosea 3.1...."The Lord said to me, 'Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adultress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, thought they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes'".

Back at my Encounter Weekend, on a Saturday night - I  came to a full realization that I had committed adultrey.

 Praise God I had people around me to help me take my sin to the cross. But God opened my eyes that weekend and I knew.  I already knew I was a sinner and I already knew that because of my own sin, and because of what I had heard my Lord tell me...I was suppose to forgive my husband of physical adultery...but I never really realized the pain I caused Jesus....what I did to put HIM on the Cross.

Three years ago at my Encounter, I experienced HIS love and teaching from some ladies that understood what it meant to commit spiritual adultery.  And, I had a vision  ( during extended prayer time ) and I saw, Jesus coming to pick me up out of the muck and mire and put me on HIS horse after he brushed off the dirt that was all over me and  then I experienced the most beautiful yellow....I believe I saw God's eye's for a brief moment.  I believe that I 'got it' on that night.....it all made sense.

 Thus that night, I was really able to totally give my marriage and my husband, and my job, and my family ....up to HIM.  I was finally able to TAKE my hands off and allow HIM to work within our lives.  I was finally able to say, I LOVE and trust YOU Lord.  It was that night, that I was washed clean of all of my sin. Washing clean of the sin I had no idea was all over me and I rededicated myself to HIM.

Then I returned home.  Learning to LIVE in that knowledge  has become  the true act of worship to HIM.   Learning to really LIVE what it meant to trust HIM is the hard part.  It has been over three  years.......

It has been over three  years of much love, renewed strength, prayer and fun.

It has been over three years of counsel, fasting, and more prayer.

It has been over three  years of uncertainty and yet the most blessed peace.

It has been over three years of the MOST awesome time in my life...in our lives....

It has been over three  years of a FRESH walk with Jesus.

HE has allowed scars, so I never forget!

I am so humbled.  I will forever sing of HIS praises.

HE has given me such a peace about so much, and the stuff I am still unsure of..I trust HE will lead, direct and show me the path.

But my heart aches for some.

Someone else needs to read this today.

Someone else has put other things in front of her Lord.

Someone loves his job too much, he  really doesn't see it but he make excuses and excuses as to why he doesn't  need to be in a church under the covering of a Pastor each weekend and his wife just agrees.

Someone loves their children way too much, ahead of their spouse and their needs come first and one day they won't realize it until it is too late, but that will cause rebellion.

Someone loves her body, or the idol worship of exercise,  to cloud their judgement, thinking and believing that God is going to notice their size in heaven...when in fact they are not putting that amount of time into learning about HIM. And her children are watching 'what' is important to their mother.

Someone thinks that having an affair is better for their situation -- even for their marriage.

Someone thinks that going to an establishment where sin and immortality is welcomed is no big deal.

Someone thinks.....they have PLENTY of time to change something later -- but for now - that sin is pleasurable and they 'deserve' it.  

Someone else needs to ask themselves....is my husband my idol?

I can speak...as that was me.

 Ouch.

 From the outside, I had so many believing I was this great warrior for God - I was at times.  I do believe I prayed and did as much as I knew HOW to do, but my view of God and my trust of HIM was so so so shallow.  And,  I did a great deal of GOOD for HIM and HIS Kingdom, but I failed, I allowed idolatry to sneak its way in and I did not realize it until it was too late.  But maybe it was not too late....I believe HE opened my eyes when I was ready to change!  I believe HE knew I had to fall out of love, allow a love to perish so it could be rebuilt, and I believe HE wanted so much more out of me.

I hurt for them.   The Someones.   I see some of them around me.  I know the pain that God will allow - HE wants NO one to perish.   ( And God does NOT punish - but HE allows suffering when he is being the good Father and disciplining.) 

I also hurt for their children...as the fruit of this rebellion will show up - later.  I hurt for them....I want to grab them and shake them- wake up. My husband and I talk about the someones often, he is better at discerning and reminding me that PRAYER is our battle tool and that with the ARMOR of HIM, we can be there when those Someones fall.

I hate it, but I believe those Someones have to fall....they have to be broken to be used.  Pride is the biggest that will fall. I had a lot of Pride.  A lot.

When you are really in lOVE with the Lord, and know exactly what Jesus did for you at the cross - you don't want anyone else to perish.  YOU want to spent moments and moments in worship ...reading, praying, and learning more...being close to HIM.  You understand what Prayer without ceasing means and you want to get plugged in.  YOU want more of HIM.

You simply WANT more of HIM.  

You want what HE wants.  

And you HURT ....when you see the lost -- so you pray and maybe write....a blog....

I saw a video/skype/ telecast of Francis Chan during the Passion 2013 conference back in January of 2013.  He was brought to tears and I won't forget what he said, "if you want to be close to Jesus and experience HIM...just ask, and begin to share that faith with the lost"..."YOU will get close very quickly...YOU can't help it - it will challenge and change you."

Lord, I always want  to speak in love, and I pray that those 'someones'....would see something in me that they want.  Oh God, open their eyes.  I am not your Holy Spirit, some of those Someones are SO blind and believe they are 'ok'...OH God....I don't want them left behind.  

Oh Lord, spare them the pain of being knocked  to their knees, but if  You don't spare them and allow the Enemy to strike, let me be ready to pray for them and love on them.  Bring them to my mind, and to my husband's mind...we want to bind the Enemy and help them experience YOUR forgiveness.

 Lord, I pray my children will never experience spiritual adultery, God I pray they will make a covenant with you and hold tight.   Oh God, I see them - they are young adults and yet, I know they know.  Oh Lord, it is so easy to allow the Enemy to get a foothold...in...oh God, if there is anything I am holding onto or beginning to become an idol - show me!  - Amen

Lord,  may I remember this:

"Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins"  1 Peter 4.8

Lord, there are  several  families that are on my heart as I type...but Lord, there are more.  Lord, since I wrote this blog over a year ago - many of those couples have come and gone ..some have received healing, some felt the pressure of the world and just walked away ......it hurts.   I know Brendan has been praying and IS praying  for others.  Lord, I know of family....Oh God....I want them all to experience YOUR full freedom because of what you did on the cross.  This blog has been a bit heavy - may it speak to THOSE who need to read and hear it.  Lord, bless those Someones right now, I pray protection over them.  Oh God, open my eyes...I want to see with my spiritual eyes...what you WANT me to do.  I will Lord.  I want YOU to use me.  Amen.

Humbled,

your daughter!

How to forgive ...WHAT it looks like from my side...

 A REPOST from July 2013...

I became aware this past week of another couple that the enemy has lied to  -- he has lied to 'him' because he thinks that someone is 'better'...and he has lied to 'her' because she thinks that it was her fault.....I am speaking about how adultery can slither into a marriage.  I want to scream - FIGHT....!!!  But God has not released me to speak directly to her.  Fight....An affair is a symptom of other stuff...it takes God...Godly counsel and professional help to make some REAL changes.  And it takes HARD work -- but it is so worth the time and effort and peace that comes when you know you were obedient to God! God's will for a marriage is to be one flesh -- you just don't say, 'I never loved you'...that is a LIE.  And if the problems are not worked through -- the same problems will follow the next relationship.  Do the research -- pay attention.     I am by NO means claiming to be an expert -- NO way.  AND....I don't want my life to be the poster child for 'how' it works...In fact, Lord, right now - protect this post...may it be read by the ONE you intended it for -- or may it encourage another but may it NOT be used by the enemy to hurt anyone with my family, me,   or others.  However, I looked back today within my blog posts and found a few posts that maybe would help this person -- this wife, that needs encouragement.    And  I decided to repost this one.  
I pray another wife or husband will HOLD on..and FIGHT and SEEK God to restore - what the enemy is destroying -- before it is too late.  - Michelle 

I was asked a question..."How does forgiveness look ?"

I pray that my actions and what I do and say in private conversations and prayers with friends  and family shows WHAT forgiveness looks like...but this question  was asked of me from another.  Another that does not see me daily... another that God brought into my life maybe for only a short season or maybe on purpose.....and maybe  this blog is even  for a total stranger that happens to come to this blog  and read, maybe she needs to read what forgiveness looks like....

 For me.... what did it LOOK LIKE with me?   I hope I can explain it.

What does forgiveness look like?

First off, I believe, as HIS word states, that we must forgive - Jesus tells us of a parable in Matthew 18 about an unmerciful servant who does not show mercy and does not forgive.  At the end, this servant is tortured and jailed = bondage.  I did not want that - who does, so indeed we understand that we must forgive.

And, in my case, I had to forgive after sin was revealed within my marriage but I think something that was very key to my journey or my walk was that I realized very quickly that MY sin was JUST as hurtful to My LORD...that my MANY years of idolatry and my 40+  years of not loving God FIRST and putting other gods before HIM---was JUST as sinful as what was revealed about my husband.

  THAT can be hard to understand.

If you can understand and get past that -- read on.

 So, I was very aware of seeking God's forgiveness of my sins.  And what did that look like?  You would of seen me  confessing my sin to HIM in private and with a prayer partner.  I was raised Catholic and not that I HAD to seek a priest or something to confess, but there is something to be said about speaking out loud -- and telling another what has transpired.  It is a good practice.  I also went  to God in my journal and wrote  down stuff that the Holy Spirit revealed to me ...stuff that was my sin.  And with a clean heart -- I knew I had to set upon the task of forgiving my husband and the woman who I "believed" set out to destroy me and my family. Now I realize...it was the enemy - not 'her'.

And by the way, I am healed and really feel no malice,  anger,  or bitterness towards my husband or even the other person...it really is forgiven - but it takes TIME!  And I will say this - this blog post is pretty real and personal, if you know and love me, I thank you for your continued prayers,  discreteness,  and your faithfulness to prayer as we healed.   But if you are here to just read something to repeat or to gossip then I would ask, please make sure I am with you when you wish to share this or discuss it!  And,  please make sure it is covered in prayer.

  Lord, that nothing I would say bring hurt or harm to anyone involved - anyone.  I do not wish to allow the Enemy ANY use of this for his purpose!

Ok, let me get back to WHAT it looked like.....

I am blessed to be a part of a  two different church families  that helped me in that  crisis of faith - they covered me in prayer.     So in reality...what you would of seen  each prayer night ( Wednesdays ) and Sundays was a woman that attended church and went forward for prayer.   I was also faithful at my cell group  and/or counseling session.  And you saw tears ..a lot of them.  If you could hear me, I would tell God each day...sometimes 5-10x a day ..Lord, I forgive them, I forgive him and I forgive her....it was simple but heartfelt.  Those were the only words I could get out at first.  Then, after time, it was not as often but still daily.... When I did not  have the strength and courage to walk forward at church or at bible study for prayer, God sent another to me to pray for me right there in my seat.  But it was consistent.

I think forgiveness is an 'act' .  We say it.  "I forgive."  But then to LIVE in that...THAT is the HARD part.

It is really hard, as I remember for the  first few  months, the 'situation' CONSUMED me and I would have to fall back to God's word and remind myself -- I CHOOSE to forgive!

There were many nights when I fell asleep with my bible on my chest - just begging God for something!

Second...I had professional help.  Therapy.  Godly therapy.  I sat with two different Pastor's wives and a Sexologist/Psychologist who is a  Christian woman as well. It was a process.  And it took time.  I even stopped therapy at one point  - I felt it was HOPELESS and I was tired of  the feeling that "I WAS the one that had to make all these changes....really?????   I was the one that needed to change?"....Like I said - it took time.

 So I QUIT therapy for a few months  and allowed God to do some extensive changing within my heart and head and in my husband's as well.

One of the first things I did with a godly mentor was to 'put' all the hurts on a sheet of paper - to make a list.  And then I symbolically put my husband in a chair and spoke OUT LOUD  all of the hurts he caused.   I listed everything.  Every tidbit of fact I had heard to every tidbit of rumor.  I listed it all.  I listed not only the revelation of the affair but all the hurts..from our high school days to our college days..to our young parenting days..everything!  I also had to forgive God in there too...It took a few hours.   Finally, I  asked  God to forgive me and listed what I felt I had 'done' to God.

When it came time to forgive the other person...I just mentioned - "I forgive her"...as God had me deal with THAT hurt much later.  You see, I believe forgiveness comes in layers.  Lots of layers.  You speak out WHAT you need to confess or forgive and then 'live'...but you daily come back to the fact - 'what else do I need to forgive?'.   Again  .....TIME is a factor.  In that time, you look for the good.  You begin a list of the good stuff and you make a point of renewing your mind with HIS word.  It was a concentrated effort, a purposeful thing I did - I choose to forgive.

The process may of taken a little less time,  if I would of seen a repentant heart in my husband.....but I didn't...until MUCH later.   I would say this - don't expect immediate changes from the one who hurt you -- it takes TIME!  They must first realize what you do.....something is wrong...and then they must realize their relationship with  Christ is key!   While that all happens..time passes!   That is when you hold onto the promises of God even when it seems like ...IT WILL NEVER change!!

Does that make sense?  I hope so.

You see, I had  forgiven...but I was still a wreck!  I was hurt.  Time and then  God sending  the Holy Spirit to comfort is the beginning of healing as God -  HE is  the Healer.

My heart had become hard  to some feelings and stuff - as I did not want to be hurt ever again.

I am blessed because I was able to seek a professional counselor that had experience and knowledge of how our brains work and how a woman thinks and so she was a BIG help as I worked through many thoughts and processes.  I 'took up that cross' daily and chose to believe that God would bring redemption.  But I had to work on ME first......

I would HIGHLY suggest that godly and professional counsel is sought when there is something that is hard to forgive.  And believe me.....anything that has broken your heart - is hurt.  Please don't LEVEL your pain or problem .......pain is pain.  My situation is not 'worse' or 'less worse' than yours or another's.   (  I blogged about that before. )  When a person is feeling unloved and there has been sin -- it is hurtful.  It does not matter...it could be unforgiveness from a childhood thing.  It could be unforgiveness towards your husband for his  ---- whatever .....the  enemy will use anything to keep you in  the stronghold of unforgiveness!

I had to really learn and LIVE in the knowledge that no matter what-- God's promises are true and that in HIS time...I would see the redemption.

Another exercise I did, was to take a brick and a helium balloon.  On a sheet of paper, I wrote the 'hurts'..even after I had PUT the infidel in a chair and confessed all the hurts....they just don't disappear. Life happens, triggers and stuff would come up and so, I had to make several lists.  I tied the hurt list to the balloon.  I made a second copy of the hurt list and tied it to the brick ( a heavy rock would do ) and held them both up over my head.  GET the picture - a brick and a balloon.  I held them high above my head  until I could no longer hold that brick in my arm and I dropped it to the ground and let the balloon fly...and then prayed....GOD, the burden is too heavy to bear - TAKE it to heaven.  GET the picture?  I can't tell you how many more times, I visioned that demonstration and did it again within my mind....many....for many months.  Many!!

But again, I had people around me that spoke life into me - telling me and praying for God's perfect will.  I choose whom I would hang with - people that only believed in marriage and healing and I believed and had faith that GOD could change a heart, move a mountain, and 'fix' my family.   But it took TIME...much time.   And with each day - I choose to forgive.

I don't like to lose and so I found every blog, every book and every source of media or resource that could help me be aware and KNOW what to do or what to say.  In all of that, I became this "expert", but had to learn the hard way -- EACH person's journey is so different.  At one point the therapist told me.."read nothing, think nothing - read only God's word and listen to your husband and pray".  NOTHING else.  I had to slow down and allow GOD the time to change my head and heart!

Little stuff would pop up, I took it to God.  Nine months after  sin had been revealed, I went to an Encounter weekend - THAT is when God dealt with me about forgiving her.  And God dealt with me -- I had to know that I would be FINE with or without a husband and marriage...that HE (God)  was FIRST in my line of devotion.    Now coming home from that and learning to LIVE in that...again - WAS HARD! Another four months passed and the decision to sell our home and move was before us. This move to a new rental place ushered in a new era of 'awkwardness' and again, I found myself making a list as our therapy had changed a bit and more was revealed ..so therefore, I was back to square one and choosing to forgive.

I sought prayer partners  again...just a few ladies that I trusted  with my feelings.  From my husband's perspective...he just saw a wife that had scripture cards in a few places as at that time , he was really ANTI-God and I had to follow the advice of our Therapist and totally give him space.  He also watched me iron his shirts, clean the house, and do 'nice' things...I kept busy.  Very busy.  Later he would send me flowers to celebrate our wedding anniversary after we both were going to give it 100% and work on our marriage and the card read, "thanks for being so nice!".   I did not allow myself to think of stuff in the future I just prayed and again, I praised God for HIS love for me, and I prayed and said over and over..I forgive him Lord.

I was and am still ....in CONSTANT communication with God.  I constantly talk and pray to HIM and share with HIM what hurts...what I want my husband or another to retract and I rely on HIM to fight my battles.  I would say - THAT was hard to learn HOW to do, but it is one of the best ways to live with another human being and not become their Holy Spirit or 'mom'.  !!!

 Back to that Encounter time -- My heart at this point was very cautious.  I even blogged..( if you go back and read entries from late 2011....early 2012....)   that my heart was  cautious.

I got to thinking about something...  If your marriage is in stress or if your heart is  so hard towards your spouse or another, forgiveness is hard but it is what God has called you to do.    It also makes you a prime target for the enemy to remind you - "it won't change....you deserve better"  So, I would dig deep and ask yourself,  do I want my marriage?   I would suggest a therapist, a professional that can listen to you, evaluate WHAT needs to be done as there are changes to be made with both partners in a relationship. If the other person, your husband or the one causing you this heartache won't go with you to counsel -- they go by yourself.  Get the help!  Most often our mental health IS covered by our health insurance!!!

  But whatever hurts there are....those are not easily forgotten.  You can choose to forgive, but the hurt remains...THAT is the hard part.  That is where TIME will have to come to allow some NEW memories and NEW feelings to overshadow the yuck.  AND God can do that - HE wants too...WHEN you give HIM the time and access to your heart.

I can say this....I still get hurt.  My husband can still say something that can bring me to my knees, but at this point to allow it to take me backwards would be sin for me, as God has,  in the past two months,  really shown me in many ways and in scripture that the PAST is the past and it is not to be remembered anymore.

So let me get back to ...what does forgiveness look like?

It resembles a worn bible being used to pray with.

It resembles a woman just walking away and telling another she does not feel well - and she goes to her prayer closet and cries...and she seeks God to FIX it right then and there.

It resembles a woman going to her Pastor and his wife and seeking their covering and prayer.

It resembles a woman praying and asking another to pray for her.

It resembles a woman fasting each week before the drive to Stuart for counseling and then she would blog here and there...as most often WHAT was said would usually put her BACK to square one.

It resembles a woman journaling...writing letters and complaints to God.

It resembles a woman focusing on her two children -- and making sure that any extra time was spent pouring into their lives.

It resembles a wife being very sweet to the man who 'hurt' her, and hearing her mother in her head saying 'kill him with kindness'...

It resembles time spent on knees, believing that one day....there would be a repentant husband that REALLY understands how much he hurt her...

But it also looks like a smile, when she finally decides that maybe just maybe, she can smile and then something happens and she sees her husband change and all of a sudden, the burden is a little less heavy.

THAT is what it looked like on the outside, but the real change and forgiveness happened on the inside over time.  It was not overnight but it would come in stages and in chunks and I would look back and think -- "oh my ..THAT does not hurt anymore".  Or, "hey..I am NOT even thinking about this anymore...".  It took time!

Today..forgiveness means laughter - we laugh a lot now.  We have taken the time to talk and communicate and pray together.  We have changed a lot of old habits but also, we have learned to show each other respect so that WHEN a trigger pops up or something is said, I can go to him and say, "hey...my perspective is this and it hurt".  Which gives him the freedom to react to WHAT I have stated...not assume what he is to do or say.

I don't believe women understand what God really means when it says we are to submit - but that can be a topic for another blog - I have spoken enough.  But the real submission was  to God....I submitted to HIM...which made it possible for HIM to work in me and then  in my husband.  Now I see a man that submits his thoughts and feelings to God first - as God is his first love. God is my first love now too. So, it is important to make sure my relationship with God and Jesus is solid and strong and then I can watch as God will change the man I prayed for ....prayed for ....for a LONG time!  

Forgiveness does set us free!

It took us some 25 years of marriage -- but I think we are finally on the RIGHT path.  It is a good path. Our therapist would also share with us about the 'dance' of marriage and getting to that dance...where we both can enjoy each other -- that is finally happening.  Praise God.  But...it is still work.  We choose to work at it!

I hope this helped my new  friend.

I hope this helped that stranger.

It helped me - it reminded me of HOW healed God really has me.....and a part of my  confirmation was this photo/chart I found today on Facebook -- Wisdom is healed pain.  THAT makes perfect sense!!

Wisdom is also from God - and doing what HIS word says.

Thank you Lord, may this help just one -- save a marriage....hold on a little longer, or may it even help one to forgive the infidel and the other....amen.

Lord, for whatever this woman may need to forgive - I pray she will....and allow You God to refill, redeem and restore whatever needs to be restored.  AMEN!