A Healthy Marriage - prayer #1

I had a wonderful weekend and I believe God has sparked in me a focus to pray for marriages for the next 40 days ....40 days of prayers.   ( And blog/publish them.)

A speaker,  I was blessed  to listen to on Saturday,  reminded me...."we are not to be ministering in the country clubs but in the hospitals".  And God reminded me Sunday morning while at church that many stood in the GAP for me and my marriage at a time I needed them -- and I was being called to stand in the gap for another.

God did the miracle - God healed us... God alone, but it was through HIS hands and HIS feet -- HIS people extending  their time, their prayers, their therapy,  their love, and their encouragement.  I don't think a book could contain ALL that worked together for HIS good when it came to the two of us....

Brendan reminded me of that Sunday.  God did the miracle, but HE needed 'us'.  He asks 'us' to be JEsus to others...to be HIS hands and HIS feet.


The  couples that God has brought to our  to the attention --we love through Jesus and  do we feel we are EXPERTS or ones that KNOW it all??   NO way!!   But, we do love God and want to be used by Him and we have been called to help or share a bit with others.  We know that.

And I am not saying this to brag or bring the enemy upon us....but, we are in a 'healthy' spot and plan to STAY there until HE calls us home.   Healthy....to have proper health you must get rest, eat properly, drink fluids and have fun and exercise too!   We are seeking proper nutrition - being in HIS word. And we get rest --physical-- with each other and we REST in HIM as we sit under our Pastor and learn from his teaching.  We also get plenty of fluids -- Jesus water.  The living water -- some days he needs more and other days I do...but we are drawing from the SAME well.  It may of taken us some 25+ years to get here - but hey....better late than never.  And exercise....daily -- daily prayer...daily time in HIM...and then FUN...we got that covered.  It is 'work' but fun work.  So as I said -- I could hear God remind me as the speaker spoke on Saturday -- "I have called you to help other couples!".

God has led several couples to our path within the past year.  Right now there are several  couples we are earnestly praying for and believing that miracles can happen.

And God used that speaker on Saturday - Dannah Gresh to remind us that God created marriage and sex as a form of intimacy - to 'yada' ...to get to know and respect each other to KNOW each other that well...that we become one flesh.  THAT picture of a healthy marriage ...a healthy union - why wouldn't the Enemy do his best to destroy it -- via ALL media, sexual immorality, and whatever... that made perfect sense.

So with that -- I am going to do my best to post 40 days worth of prayers for marriage.
Maybe you are one of the couples that inspired this blog/post - maybe some aspect touches your marriage ...or maybe you have a healthy marriage and you wish to keep it that way.  I would appreciate your comments at the end...and I thank you for reading - michelle

Lord, I come to you as a humble servant and I seek YOUR guidance and provision to accomplish this task.  Lord, today I will pray about our hearts.  Lord, I pray that  my heart does not become lonely.  I pray my husband's heart does not become lonely -- Lord, that we both SEEK you with every ounce of our being and that we SEEK the other as our 2nd love.  Lord, I pray that YOU are our first love.  Lord,  I ask that You reveal our hearts to us - show us what can trigger loneliness...show us what can trigger the enemy to come at us.  God, you placed the stars -- You know exactly how many hairs are  on his head - on my head...Lord, you know exactly HOW this will play out -- God I pray right now that the one reading this, will believe that the lonely heart can be healed...that the lonely heart can feel LOVE like never before...that the lonely heart won't be tempted to find solace in another. God I pray that the lonely heart will open up to YOU this eve, that he or she will pour our their loneliness to YOU and that they will allow you to fill it and then tomorrow, they will do the same and let it fill them tomorrow even more...and then Lord, I pray they check their hearts - are you first?  Lord, I pray that YOU are first and their spouce is 2nd in the devotion...God I believe in marriage, I believe you heal and restore and I pray for those specific couples RIGHT now...that they would have an unction when they awake tomorrow to hold on ...just one more day...to seek professional help....or to just wait on filing for that divorce paper-- OH God - for those couples we are thinking of and for the one that may be reading this -- God I pray that person or that wife or that husband will dream this eve and meet you -- and believe when they awake that YOU can turn this around - In Jesus name, amen ! 

1 Peter 4.8
Above all, love each other deeply, because Love covers over a multitude of sins.

Psalm 119: 111-112
Your laws are my treasure: they are my heart's delight.  I am determined to keep your degrees to the very end.

Today can be the beginning of a new direction..a new life for your marriage -- God CAN heal and restore what the locusts have taken -- even after MANY years!

...God grants silly wishes......

Ephesians 3:20-21

New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I state that verse cause this is going to be a SHORT but very important blog....

Guess what -- God grants silly wishes.  

HE LONGS to give us EVERY desire of our heart -- as long as it is IN HIS will....
Sitting in a theater, with my family....singing Christmas songs is in HIS will. 
Sitting at the Bank Atlantic Center reliving childhood memories of a school girl's crush ....is HIS will...

Donny Osmond - what can I say?  

Those that know me - know I get a little crazy when you mention his name.  Praise God for U tube and video -- I can google him anytime and get my 'fix'.  

But seriously -- if he really believes all that Morman stuff - he needs prayer.  He needs Jesus - but, I know HE is faithful.  I have prayed many a times for his salvation!!!    I have - don't judge me.  

Too funny -- as I said, If you know me, you know he is my childhood crush.  I would sneak out of the barn when I was milking with my dad and go in to the house and put my cassette recorder right near the TV.  I would turn on the TV and put the volume up LOUD and hit record.  In 30 minutes I would time it so, that I would sneak away from helping him milk  ( I had to wipe the cows udders before he put the machines on ) and run into the house, carefully take off my barn shoes and tip toe to the living room to turn the tape around and record the last 30 minutes of the show and then I would play it later  - over and over....there was NO such thing as VHS recording at that time in my house.  


So -- that is just one of the many crazy stories I can tell...

I have made Brendan suffer through a concert at the Kravis about 10 years ago ...and even ditched Bren when I thought I heard someone say he was in the one room doing autographs and left Bren with  thousands of other CRAZY women fans.

I was blessed by my Uncle Cal and got a seat at a private concert back  7 years ago and got to see him pretty close up.  Great concert...I was probably the youngest one there.....seriously.

AND....now, I finally got to see him and his sister in concert. I wanted to go, I priced out the tickets but honestly -- we are just too poor right now to justify the cost.   ( I am humbled to admit that - but it is what it is...choices...)

But none the less -- God answers silly prayers.  HE does.

On Wednesday of this past week, I told God.."well, if you would drop them out of the sky..."...and on Thursday HE did.    Thank you to that sweet friend.  Thank you.

And God goes BEYOND...the actual seats were the EXACT same section I was pricing out...THAT is how God words.  HE does nothing....mediocre.  HE blesses and goes beyond!

The people that did not get to use the tickets are in need of prayer.  There are physical challenges within their lives -- my husband and I have vowed to hold them in prayer as they both need a miracle -- but GOD can do that too.

I bought a thank you card today - to send to those sweet people and I pray the words that GOD gives me - ministers to their hearts...that they will believe HE can grant the silly wishes...and HE can grant total healing.

Thank you for reading my blog -- my 'silly' wish.....

I want to tell you - HE can grant YOUR silly wish too....just ask!

- humbled...michelle

Notice the lipstick on his cheek?  It was not from me.....the ladies sitting to my left had a 'few'...and made their way down to that stage -- guess I did not have the courage - but hey...

However, my cheeks hurt today from smiling for 3 hours - as it really WAS a great show full of Christmas songs and the oldies...of which - I KNOW each and every word...LOL! 

...the first born is READY to graduate.....

This girl is ready to graduate.  It is hard for me to believe but she is almost 23 and next week she will walk down the 'asile' and take part in the ceremony that says, 'she is done'...she is a GRADUATE of Florida Atlantic University and she can now...have a REAL job and get paid REAL money.  

Wow ..it seems like just yesterday when I snapped this photo after church one Sunday.  I do believe it was an Easter service -- she was just a little over one year old.  I can tell by the haircut and the doll or something she is holding.  Brendan is in his church clothes and the dress she is wearing was a handmade one her Aunt Becky gave her - I think it had Noah's Ark embroidered onto its front. It was one of my favorite outfits on her.  

 Where does the time go?  I know where it goes...I can see by the wrinkles on my face and the 'sagginess' with in our features.  I can see it in her - she was always a cute kid -- now she is this beautiful lady.

 She really is  incredibly beautiful- even is she is my daughter -- her eyes sparkle, her smile ( worth every penny ) radiates...and her personality --well -- it just jumps out at you.

I want to be her friend -- but she reminds me I have to wait a bit -- MOM is my first calling and it may stay that way for several more years!

I can remember sitting in Literacy First training back in the  90's and being challenged one session about 'how many words' did my 2 year old speak??  .....I remember writing down at least 400.....and then comparing the list with other moms that were teachers.

I can remember the many Saturday afternoons when she had all of the neighbor kids over and they were playing school.

I remember many nights....praying with her....

Praise God, this is HIS creation -- she is HIS.  I stop and think at times - "who is this girl?"...
"How did she get to be THIS human?"
"What will her future be like?"
"What on earth did I do ...do we do ...to deserve such a blessing? "

And I remember....we ...Both Brendan and I have been praying for her for years... She was conceived in LOVE and wanted desperately.  It took over 18 months to finally get pregnant with her ....I thought I would never be a mom.  Finally one day while in church, I heard from God...

"If you will LET me be in control -- I will grant you the desires of your heart."   HE did.
I got pregnant within that next month.  I can even see myself in the church pew after I heard from God...and knew -- this was 'not' my doing.

Now -- I  wish,  I really WOULD of given HIM total control back then...I mean, I gave HIM the control I had or I thought I had.  I gave what I could.....little did I know I had NO clue of what it really means to give God total control.

How can you when you are 24?  She will be 23 in a few months.  She reminds me often that by the time "I was 22 ..I was married"...she is single and happy - very happy right now.    She is RIGHT where HE has her -- and she knows that.  THAT is HIS confidence.  She is in a perfect place.  Graduating....loved....and anxious to be the grown up.  Anxious to be paid a real salary.

Back to Brendan and I praying for her -- she was raised in a home that loved God.  Both Bren and I loved God as much as we could...in those years - we really did not understand the whole picture.  But she was raised with two parents that sought HIM.  It was much later when the two of us got sidetracked --  She was also surrounded by godly peers and role models and we kept her busy with sports -- one tactic that is hard to commit to...but, Volleyball has played a big part of her life.  As I said, she was raised by God.....we called UPON HIM daily to meet her needs, watch over her and protect her ---  I know that is why she was so well grounded in middle school and high school and why....on a night that  - was very painful, Taylor was the first person to remind me to pray.....

She still continues to remind me - 'mom, pray'...or..'mom, pray for me'.....


We are very proud of her.  We are very proud of God in her.  She loves HIM -- she radiates when speaking about HIM...and I know she will do EVEN bigger and better things with HIS help ...as HE is going to use her in a mighty way.

I am humbled -- and very proud of her accomplishments.  She has been an 'easy' child....she only had one temper tantrum....never really caused either of us any heart ache...and she spared me  -- as I never knew about her 'rebellion' until AFTER she returned home from UF.

She loves her family and her friends.  She is going to be an awesome mother --  I can tell that already -- as she 'mothers' Eva  and others that she loves.  She is an awesome 'aunt'... to cousins in Wisconsin and here - how she dotes on them - makes them feel so loved.

She is also a talented teacher -- and I have loved watching and listening to her these past few months as she undertook Student Teaching.

She is something special.
She is our gift -- a blessing.
She is graduating from college next week.
The Lord has blessed her with a job already -- how about that?


Lord, I ask a blessing upon my daughter - I pray she will always RUN to You for each and every need and want.  Lord, I ask you will grant her favor as she begins her teaching career in a few weeks - watch over her car and her finances as she transitions from college kid to working adult.  Lord, I ask that you grant the desires of her heart -- and her secret desires as well -- I knew a few of them and I trust YOU are well into making those prayers  -- revealed soon, in YOUR time.  Lord, I have been praying for her husband and the man that YOU will bring to her to compliment her gifts as the two of them will work to further your Kingdom -- so I just say thank you for that in advance.  I have been praying for that man for almost 22 years now - I too am anxious to meet him but in YOUR time.  Lord, I pray for those grandkids you will bless Bren and I with -- God I pray the enemy won't touch them and I pray they too will live in the legacy that has been bought ...for them...the future of heaven.  Lord, I pray for the FAU ceremony next week - and all of the graduates - may each and every one of them feel the satisfaction of their accomplishments.  Lord, thank you -- thank you for Taylor...Thank you for her life, her love...and her devotion to YOU...thank you for allowing her to bless us -- YOU indeed Lord have given Brendan and I a tremendous gift.  She teases that she is not the favorite...that HP is...but she is our first born -- she is our first child..our only daughter and she is our favorite - just like Hunter is.  But God...that she is YOUR favorite means SO MUCH more to both Brendan and I ....THAT is what is most important...Lord, God that SHE would feel this ...way towards her own children one day -- THAT would be an even greater gift...amen.

Humbled -- your grateful daughter - michelle

Giving Thanks - This is meant to encourage you!

Thanksgiving.
In 2009, my heart ached.
In 2010, my heart was frozen.
In 2011, my heart felt awkward but hopeful and cautious.
In 2012, my heart was hopeful but timid.
Today, my heart is healed and thankful.

I don't mean to bring up the past - but I mean to remind anyone that reads this -- LIFE is hard and it takes TIME to reach our healing.

The past is that - my past, but it was my  destiny ---that was  steered......and so therefore, I do remember-- often --the PIT from which I came from...my OWN pit - that I put myself in.

 Many times it seems if we are thrown into that PIT and many times we are....or we are pushed, but either way -- we were in a PIT.  I was in a PIT.  I am thankful HE pulled me out of there - HE pulled us out!

We stop and think that our problem 'just happened' or 'suddenly hit' and when we get beyond the other side of it -- and if we really allow God to reveal it to us......the problem came on so slowly and we ignored all the warning signs and we just moved forward so the hurt was a LONG time coming.  So, the healing most often has to take a LONG time coming.

The Enemy is a liar and he is so sneaky....and he has all the time in the world to lie and slowly make a path to that PIT so that when were are just right there...we fall in.    

But -

 Don't give up.   Don't give in.    God wins.

Today my heart is heavy for the people around me -- the hurting ones.

My husband and I spent almost on hour in prayer this am.  I don't say that to brag -- I say that in praise.....as that is one of the reasons why my heart is healed today - prayer!!!

 One thing I had to confess to God  this morning is that -- HE is in control.  HE brings His children to our minds and we pray and we both believe in miracles, but we must also release those people to HIM....as some don't get their healing on 'our' timeline.  But, HE knows.


Several times in the past few days, my husband has had to remind me that I am not a super hero....I can't FIX stuff and even though I pray and ask God to intervene....HE really is still the Savior and the FIXER!

I had to release several today -- trusting them to God, that in their pain....they will find their solace in HIM.

HE is the only one that can truly heal.

We may want SO much for that friend to see HIm.....as a Savior...
We may want that loved one to finally be set free of her sin....
We may want that one to be loved on at Thanksgiving time and have her children with her...
We may want to experience that true peace to see our loved ones again   or  have an answer as to 'why' they were taken so soon...
We may just need a miracle in an area that we can't get control of....

Whatever the circumstance, whatever the need - HE does know it and HE is making a way  -- the perfect way.  We must just pray that our will lines up with HIS...

That is hard to watch - when you can see WHAT God would want that person to do - but you can't make them....they must find that way themselves.


Holidays are hard - filled with much joy, laughter, pain and sorrow - and HIM.

So, with that - I will pray:

I cry out to our God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of Kings and the Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light.  ( 1 Tim 6.18)  -- that HIS will be done!  For each and every one of the people HE has brought to our attention in the past few weeks and months....I continue to pray that the God of HOPE will fill them with all the joy and peace as they TRUST HIM and walk with Him.....so that they will overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit ( Romans 15.13) and may HIS healing hand not only restore their families, but create for HIS glory and HIS honor -- a new family and a new person - refined  by HIS fire, molded by HIS hands, and created by HIS mercy and love.  I praise you Lord for what you are doing and what you will do in their lives...Amen.

Lord - heal her heart....return those kids to her.
Lord - heal that addiction .... set her free.
Lord - heal that heart and her sorrow.
Lord - meet the financial need.
Lord - bind that enemy away from her - set her free from the immortality.
God protect all of them and their families around.
Lord, that eyes would be opened.  Amen.  
Thank you Lord!

And God, that she would believe that YOU can heal her marriage too -- Oh Lord, that she would know -- it can be done.  Amen.

..thankful.... there is a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel....I promise!

My Jesus Calling Devotional today ...states this:

Beloved, this is the day that the Lord has made...As you rejoice in this day of life, it will yield up to you precious gifts and beneficial training.  Walk with Me along the high road of thanksgiving, and you will find delights I have made ready for you....To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely.  A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. ...They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts.  Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds.  How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times.  They can walk through the darkest of days with joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them.  Rejoice in this day that I have made for you, I am your steadfast Companion.  - God   Psalm 118. 24  and Psalm 116. 17 

It is very hard to stay hopeful when it seems like God has forgotten us.  I have said that...I have felt that God has forgotten me, but praise God I have also lived long enough to know
                            ...that is a LIE from the pit of hell.

God does not forget us.  God never has.  HE knew me..HE knows you...before you were born.  HE knows the number of hairs left on my head and how many will fall out into the drain this evening.

I am posting today for 3 reasons...to give hope and encouragement for three special women of God that I got to pray with today....and for myself, to remind myself how things are so relative and how the enemy  continues to try and lie and weasel his way into our lives.

And maybe I am posting this --for you...the stranger at the other side of this computer screen that I don't know.

Today I was SO pissed..yep, I used that word PISSED.  I was angry.  I wanted to cuss!   I have not been THAT angry with my daughter ....since...since she was 2 years old and pulled her ONE and ONLY tantrum in Walmart during the Christmas holiday.

I have not been THIS pissed off...since....since I saw my neighbor Todd put a shock color on our dog Bella and then I had to watch her get shocked and Brendan gave him permission  to do it ...I was equally mad at them both! (more mad at BP )

Let's see...I was THIS mad at myself when I knew I should of wrapped this one really cool vase better when we moved and sure enough- it crashed...and it was ME to blame, but I yelled at HP.

Ok...it seems there may be a few anger issues here, but not really.

 I was in the dentist chair today when I got a text and to make a  long story short - I am having a Mary Martha Party later this evening and I prayed over the invites  -- and I asked God whom to invite and took great care.  I mailed a few, delivered a few myself,  and then gave my daughter the job of delivering the 16 others to the mailboxes at CES ( my old school ).  Well, today's  text prompted me to ask a few questions and sure enough, the 16 invites NEVER made it to their mailboxes....the party was in 30 hours....it is Thanksgiving break, people have plans, the Consultant has  made plans, she will set up her stuff and have only a few here?

The goal is to sell some stuff! ---- (please read to the end of this post - as THAT is not the goal!)

 I guess I got "more" mad cause I later found the invites in her messy car...under junk.  Under volleyball and college stuff.  You see, I rubber banded the invites to her keys and asked her 2x.. and this has happened before!  But again -- long story short, the invites did not go out.  And now, do I cancel or do I call people?

Ok, enough already - this really is not about the forgotten invites.  It really is about the Enemy trying his best to defeat us.  Quickly I was reminded of something the Consultant always says, "Michelle, those who God wants at the party - are always the right ones, even if there are only two people" -- and one time we had a party of two people!   And God reminded me even more quickly - this was the enemy....as each time Carla shares a word from God - the enemy is defeated....

And I know something REALLY cool will transpire later tonight cause not only did the invite debacle interupt my day...but, the enemy threw a few more things at me.

By the way...
I texted/yelled at my daughter via 1400 miles away.  I said sorry about 4 hours later.

As I said, when it rains, it pours at times, but yet, I became so aware and thankful for my own children and their health as throughout the day, I prayed with a woman that needs her health back and she needs her son to be healthy and whole too.

I read about a little boy that went to the REZ school, that had entered heaven and thought about his family....

I was reminded of Ethan and his children that probably awoke today and were reminded that "their mommy went to heaven today just two weeks prior".    ( His wife, their mom died of cancer on 11-11)

I reached out to a woman that wants restoration in a marriage.

I prayed with a woman that does not have her kids right with her right now, and her heart is so broken.

And I was reminded of MANY other heartbroken people.

I was reminded that we always need to be thankful.

I think it is important to be real and to be aware.  Because of God....there is HOPE and there is light at the end of the tunnel even when we think it can't happen.

It is a very hard concept, but there can be joy in our circumstance.

Tomorrow could be the day the situation turns around....tomorrow could be the day....

I am quite sure that my 'party' will be fine.  Carla's goal is not to have GREAT sales, she does this as a ministry and she is able to speak about God.  My goal for the party was to have some time of fun fellowship with my pals from CES...and share with them the wonderful products that could bless them.

But, even though the enemy seemed to weasel into today - I am thankful.

But, I have prayed this evening and I will continue  to pray specifically for those three women I spoke to today...that God will uphold them, that maybe tomorrow the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel will be revealed..I will pray that they grab ahold of the edge of Jesus' garmeant or walk OUT on that water and hold ON for dear life...and allow God to be there.

God has to be it.
HE has to be our all.
HE allows strife and heartache within out lives - cause HE wants to draw us near  -- HE is getting our attention. That was NOT HIS intention but we are in a wicked world and we chose the path, we have that free will....it leads us into temptation and then sin.
It certainly seems  like ALL the others ( around us )  are getting the breaks and the ones who are ARE on their knees seeking God are NOT winning...but hold on dear sister...hold on beloved....YOU are HIS.

Please don't compare your situation with others -- you have no idea, but maybe Satan does not need to mess with them...and he is able to bless then ( Satan can bless people ) cause they are NO threat.
So consider it an honor...that the enemy is seeking to destroy you -- and your dreams and family...cause he knows, God has great plans in the future.

Lisa Bevere says that you are probably being attacked ...cause of WHAT the enemy knows YOU can do for the Kingdom of God in the future -- so he is attacking now.  Don't let him win.

Don't let the enemy tell you God has forgotten you -- HE has not.
Cry out to him.  Demand GOD to show up and move....just make sure that you are RIGHT with him first - confess any sin....make sure YOU have asked HIm into your life and heart, and declare your love for him.

I realize it may be hard to declare your LOve for God...I was unable to really do that for many years...it takes time to trust something that is 'unseen'.  But, if we will...Glory will come.

Hang in there sweet ladies....YOU are deeply loved.  Memorize these verses  below.  Personalize them.

Michelle, be strong and courageous, don't fear..for God is with me and HE won't leave or forsake me.
__________, be strong....



Lord, God.....I am thankful for this day - as I close my eyes now finally at 2am...and rest, I pray that tomorrow - ( later today ) - YOU will show up in a mighty way to those sisters in Christ that touched me today....God they need miracles, guidance, advice, and direction and they need healing and restoration - I pray that for EACH of them.  amen.

God they may not have the faith right now to believe there is  LIGHT at the end of the TUNNEL - but I will believe it enough for them -- I will!

Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Psalm 55:22 ESV / 

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

...we hoped it would last until we were old and gray.....bye Trace

 Many people have lost a loved one.
I lost a nephew 5 years ago.
I have been to my three of four of my Grandparent's funerals and all four of Brendan's.
I have been to a funeral where a young desperate man   -- took his life.
I have walked into a room where a child's casket was there and unfortunately that has happened a few times.
I have witnessed several  friends say good bye to her dads --  and watching an even closer pal say good bye to her Grandmother was hard.
I have see a mother grieve her son.
I have watched several mom's grieve and long to hold their child.
I have seen some 'senseless' deaths and I have seen older ones finally be set free of their pain.
Anyway you frame it -- it means a loss.
Death.

Yuck.

How could you cope?
  How would you be able to move forward?
 IN my mind, the only way to be able to move forward is because  I believe in heaven.

I don't think it gets  'easier'....it just gets 'different'.

And I would never say I can 'understand' another's pain. There is no level on pain....one does not hurt more than another because in that moment ...THEIR PAIN is GREAT and THEIR pain  can only be comforted by HIM.

But our human flesh wants to plead and ask ...WHY....
And our human flesh wants answers...
And our human flesh hurts and wants to lash out..

But, as we stop and SEEK our Father, our spirit knows -- she is in a better place. But actually stating that to her husband right now ...I am sure he would say, "hell, no.....a better place for her would be here with us and her children".
He is hurting.
God loves him right where he is at.
It is hard.


Trace went to heaven on Monday.

I was home in my bed when our mutual pal called me.

God knew I needed to get the call and have the chance to mourn and cry by myself.  I was at home.  I awoke not feeling right and then I tweeked my back and knew that a day of rest on my back is what was needed.  Little did I know.  God knew.  HE is so sweet.

I fell apart.  I had been WANTING a different outcome on this.  I had been begging God.

I last spoke to Trace a week prior.  I usually text her, but only get a response every few days and the responses are random. For some reason...cause God knew my silly heart would be blessed, I called her and she answered the phone.  I talked to her and at the end of  30 seconds of me speaking to her....  I heard "ya" and "Ok"  and "love you too".

 I am unsure if she really knew it was me.

 It did not matter - I got to hear her.

 You see, on that day I was still believing and HOPING for a DIRECT miracle from God.  I knew it would be a tall order...

Now knowing how fast her frail body was shutting down - those may of been the only words she said that day.

I saw her in September.  I flew home to see her and I got to spend a good portion of a day with her.
I found out her cancer had returned early in March.  Our emailing and texting started up back  again this past Spring.

For several months now ....prayers for her have been daily, hourly..... When  the problems with her lungs began in August, you could tell that her body seemed to be shutting down.  She rallied and took chemo and then radiation to stop the growth in the brain.  But after some grueling treatments, the cancer had continued to spread.   Two weeks ago, they decided to stop all treatment and call in Hospice.  Within almost 12 days...she was gone.

For the past 3 months, I have vacillated  back and forth - 'will you heal her Lord, will you? '...Shall I proclaim healing, will people think I am crazy?

I have debated with God.  Asked God.  Pleaded with God.  Cried with God.  Searched God.  ....
But mostly, I have trusted God.  I don't have to understand it - just believe HIM.  I do.

I know she is in heaven.

I am standing on the prophetic vision that was given to me about her kids and her husband.....that they will be OK.  That Trace's life is like a beautiful tree , and it is deeply rooted and it will cause many to know about God through her children and her husband.

Right now her husband seems pretty angry -- but I really don't know HOW he feels - I am not him.  But God knows.

Her children are precious.  I have asked God, "what can I do?".  Pray.  Remember them and I am asking God to show me some special gifts that I can send them in time.  I promised myself and God that I would not forget about them.  They are only 14, 12, and 7 years of age.
I found something this eve as I reread Trace's blog post on her Care Bridge site....it said:

 It seems like one thing keeps happening after another, but I keep telling myself that we serve a big God, that He's still in control, and He's on my side and solving my problems. (These definitely fall into the category of Problems That Are Out Of My Control!) I know that He can heal one tumor or 10, small ones or large, one ailment or many. In every situation, my part is to trust, so that's what I'm doing. I'm in good spirits, I have decent energy and good pain management, and I'm looking into a good Mime program...there's several in the area! ; )
So have a good day, and thank you for adding your prayer and thoughts and positive energy to mine!
In His Care,
Tracey

Trace is in HIS care this eve.

  Life is VERY short and precious.  And as my pal, Jeaunetta  reminded me, her ETERNAL home has been accomplished.  I am so happy for her, as these last weeks took their toll.

Trace's words  spoke volumes to me....When she and I rekindled our friendship again this past summer, we talked back and forth and emailed about  wanting enough time ...enough time to be ready to head home to heaven.  I believe HE gave her what she asked for. 

But then again - I have NO idea -- but God does.

I have  often wondered ...would I want to know when my time was up?  Would I live differently?  I pray that I live EACH day as it was my last, I know that I know - I will live differently tomorrow and appreciate what HE has for me.  And I know, that I will see her again in heaven.  And I know she is finally in NO pain and whole.

We are in HIS care.  It is not easy.  Her family is  suffering and I find that God still gives me comfort.  So therefore, I KNOW HE gives them even MORe comfort.

This isn't about me....and yet,  God is so sweet and  several of HIS servants have texted or send me condolence messages.....and I was just a high school chum.

 God is so SWEET.  I always say "God wins" ...but here is a new catch phrase--"God is so sweet"!!
 I am a witness to the glories HE just wants to pour out or bestow on us.  It is truly amazing.

I will end with this....

Trace,  hey...I so loved our 'last' day together in Watertown.  I loved the funny faces and I loved hearing your heart.  You were indeed a special pal at WHS and I love how you even noted it in our yearbook ....that we were not 'needy' friends nor were we like the others  -- we could be friends no matter what.  That was you - you made friends with EVERYONE.  Your smile was contagious and you were a very loyal pal.

 I am so sorry you won't be here to watch these precious kids grow, but a part of you is in each one of them.  And I do believe that when those kids finally get to see you -- you will all sit around God's 'jumbotron TV monitor and you will watch the years you missed".  As I believe you have NO concept of time and are just sitting at HIS feet right now.   I won't say RIP....as you are not resting - you are with GOD and I believe we have NO clue as to HOW happy you really are.  Until the dust settles...I will pray that Ethan survives this trauma and I will hold your kids up in prayer.  I believe each one of them are going to do mighty and wonderful tasks for you Lord and that vision of the Tree - will come into fruition!

 God I pray I will see that.  Trace, you are missed and I am still sad -- I cried again today when I read you obituary.  I did not realize we were only a month apart - I am Feb. 23 and you are the 24th of January -- that was my ORIGINAL due date with my first kid - now she is 23~   Trace, I love how you wrote on the back of my 10th grade class photo - it is posted above. You noted that you hoped BP and I work out -- we did ...we are still working at it though...You noted that you hoped we would stay friends until we were old and grey.  Guess what - we are 'old' in some people's eyes but I don't think we had enough time with you!!   So, as I get a little older -- you will always be YOUNG at heart!!  And the gray..... I do have a lot of gray, and I bet all of yours has been replaced with a glorified head of beautiful hair !   Still seems UNREAL and it seems  a little unfair -- but I am trusting God.  HE sees the entire picture, I can only see a piece.

 In HIS time,  hearts will change and hearts will mend.....and Trace will be in heaven when I get there. Amen.  

 

       

Dear Ethan,

  Dear Ethan, 

I have thought of you often throughout today.  I read the post  at the CareBridge site about Trace.  Immediately, I asked God - what do I do? ????

  Later in the day, as I drove home from a work assignment, I penned a letter to you in my head.  But first, I want you to read this passage from Isaiah --  please read it to the end and then read beyond - thank you ... Michelle  

Aka - Chelly 

Isaiah 41:8-16 The Message

8–10       “But you, Israel, are my servant.
You’re Jacob, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

11–13       “Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold—
real losers.
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed—
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won’t find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That’s right. Because I, your GOD,
have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.
I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic.
I’m right here to help you.’

14–16       “Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?
Don’t be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?
I’ll help you.
I, GOD, want to reassure you.
The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
I’m transforming you from worm to harrow,
from insect to iron.
As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains,
turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.
You’ll open the rough ground to the weather,
to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.
But you’ll be confident and exuberant,
expansive in The Holy of Israel!

Peterson, E. H. (2005). The Message: the Bible in contemporary language (Is 41:8–16). Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.

Ethan, I am going to be bold and blunt -- I am believing that you love God and have a relationship with Jesus.  As if I think you don't - then my heart pains ...as HOW can you face what is happening without Him?  So if you love Jesus and understand the Cross -- then the rest of this letter will encourage you!!

  If you don't -- I pray that the rest of this letter would bring comfort and a chance to GRAB onto Jesus' garment and believe that GOD is good and Trace will be healed.  She may still get her miracle HERE on Earth, but it may also only be in Heaven with God ...and with those words, I know that I know - SHE will be better off.   I also know as God has impressed upon me and others -- that YOU and YOUR children are going to be fine.  You will see the beauty in all of this - in HIS time.  

First -- I am so sorry that this terrible disease has come back and struck.  You and Trace and the kids have been in our prayers for months now.  Daily.  

I am so sorry that you had the awful task of telling the kids and when you stated that Logan cried/screamed for over an hour - my gut wrenched.  I can see those tears.  When I met Logan and saw him last month for the first time, I was taken back -- to me ...he looks like TRACE did - back in 9th grade when I met her.  Innocent and happy!   In fact, I found a school photo of her back in 9th grade or 10th with her handwriting on the back and I am in the process of making a little gift for your kids...I will mail it later -- but I saw her, young and vibrant in Logan's eyes.   Even the hair style....

Second -- I know you realize that you have an incredible wife and I want to let you know -- I believe and many believe that GOD has her - completely.    Why God allows the righteous to suffer at times, is for God to understand and figure out.  It took me 44 long years, but I finally surrendered and stopped  trying to analyze it.  

God does not ask us to understand - HE asks us to believe.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow, but with Christ as our Lord - we can have peace and believe that this life is only temporary and believe and  I know that I will see Trace again - whole and healthy.  She will be in heaven and she will greet me when I get there - unless God does grant the last minute touch that I know she has asked for and prayed for.  

Third -- God granted me a special visit with her back in September and in that time, she told me she knew God was drawing her near.  She also believed in heaven and asked me many questions.  For that day, she was almost like the Trace I remember.  We laughed as best as we could, before she would start to cough and we even enjoyed chocolate too.  She truly is a blessing.  She was a sweet and loyal pal back in high school and she is going to continue to be that way as her memory will live.   I believe she has been a sweet and loyal servant of God.  As I read the other posts from friends - I know, God is pleased with her.  

So now..please read the scripture in Isaiah again  - but with a few changes:  

Isaiah 41:8-16 The Message
8–10       “But you, Ethan, are my servant.
You’re my child, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world, I have chosen you and your wife.  I knew you before you were born and I see each and every long hair upon your head.  I see your children too - they are mine.  I have 
called you in from every dark corner of the earth, from every distraction, from every doubt....
Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ You may not believe in me now - but, through your wife and through my other servants, you are going to come to realize that YOU need me and desire to be closer to me.  
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.  Trace is going to be fine - with me.  Trace wants my peace and total healing and part of the healing you can give her, is the assurance that you will continue to teach your children My ways as Trace was taught and believed.  
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. I promise ...men will fail you, but I will not. 

11–13       “Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold—
real losers. Every enemy, every one that has hurt you in the past, will have to answer to me. 
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed—
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won’t find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That’s right. Because I, your GOD,
have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.
I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic.
I’m right here to help you.’ Don't panic.  When you hold Trace remind her - I have her too.  

14–16       “Do you feel like a lowly worm, Ethan?
Don’t be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, my child?
I’ll help you.
I, GOD, want to reassure you.
The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
I’m transforming you from worm to harrow,
from insect to iron.
As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains,
turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.
You’ll open the rough ground to the weather,
to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.
But you’ll be confident and exuberant,
expansive in The Holy of Israel!  All you have to do Ethan is believe.  I pray that you have.  

Ethan ....many will read this and say - 'she added to God's word'....I believe God's word is a living work and that God used me right now - to speak to you.  I believe I have not altered His word, I have just added a few words to personalize it.  

I went through a season of incredible pain.  I literally watched a death of something and I watched it come to life.  I can't compare it to your pain right now.  But I would of 'fought' with you at the time and I would of cried just as hard and there were MANY countless nights where I wanted to end my life or have it ended as I felt I could no longer live on this earth - my heart was THAT hurt.  But, like I said - now...after it...it can't compare to your pain.  But..in that season - God became so real.  God showed up.  I believe HE is showing up around you.  Again, If I am over speaking -  than forgive me.  However, I serve a mighty God and I believe HE is directing this letter this eve.  I pray that you will open your bible this evening or very soon, and see out God's Psalms and rewrite a few that become LIFE to you.  I pray that you will teach your children about God...I pray that you will teach them that they will see their mom again - I pray that you will believe in a prophetic word/vision I received about Trace and her family right before I came to visit her in September.  It has given me hope and peace -- 

Many people will say 'oh, awe' when a martyr is killed...  when in reality -- we should be rejoicing - he or she was immediately in heaven...with God.  THAT is our destiny...our future.  I am believing that Trace will have a glorious homecoming if God does not heal her instantly.  I believe and know that You will be fine and that Trace's legacy will live on in her children and they will bring many to the knowledge of God because of her faith, her humbleness, and because she lived a life worthy of her calling.  

She will always be our Queen of hearts!  

thank you for taking the time to read....

In Christ, Michelle 

AKA - Chelly