...Blaker....

Blake was 17 when he traveled to heaven on the 1st of November in 2008.   This photo is  him, I believe the summer before he met Jesus.  That smile is contagious!  

This photo is how I remember him the most -- with those glasses and those cheezzee smiles -- !

He was a big part of our lives for MANY years -- 17 to be exact.  He was not my son - but my nephew but he was mine.  He stayed at my house many  nights -- I cleaned up after him, gave him baths, picked his ears cleaned and cut those toe nails more than he would of liked.  I also 'babysat him'  -- it really was not babysitting - it was just watching over a kid that was mine too.  

I watched him grow, I watched him learn how to walk and then talk.  I  tried my best to teach him to read as he was in my first grade class, and I had to admit he needed special attention when it came to learning. I fought to have him in a regular classroom and enjoyed watching him finally flourish when he got with Mrs. K and Mrs. Hawthrone and others!  

  I chased him many times down the hallway at Central Elementary School cause he got spooked by something and he had such a stubborn streak.  I teased the heck out of him and loved him even more. I would dance with him and make him sing silly songs.  I was also the one that cleaned him up after many accidents.   I sat and prayed when he got so sick many times and I was with him when he had his first seizure.  I slept with him in his hospital bed on his first night in Okeechobee cause he had pneumonia. 

I decorated cookies with him, I shared food with him and I watched him grow - I watched him get a zit too.  I teased him incessantly at times - times to frustration but he loved it.  I watched him love each and every cousin and enjoy their 'toy' time until that cousin grew past his love of toys and I cried and cried the night his mother told me that the doctors felt he would not live to be an adult.  He was always with a smile on his face.  He loved movies and toys and he loved people.  He never judged and he always, always, always......had your back.  He was indeed a special young man.  

Now, he has an awesome mom too - she did ALL those things with him and more -- and God gave her the BEST son she could have and she loved like none other -- I may of been his Aunt, but everyone knew that Jeanette was his mom - he adored her.  

It is so nice now to think back, God gave him the dad he always wanted in Craig and Blake still had hope in his real dad.  God gave him  a love for dogs and blessed him with a Dad that loved dogs as well.  God gave Craig a gift too, the last 3 weeks of Blake's life were spent with Craig cause he was in a transition period and I know that God gave Blake that time as a gift too!  

 Blake loved to hang out and God gave him many friends and cousins that filled his last years here on earth.  He loved school to begin with and then school became such a struggle and yet, in his final years - school was a blessing to him.  He loved his High School buddies and clubs and classes!   God kept him an innocent and pure young man and he met Jesus with a pure heart!  There was never any malice or sin within that kid -- he truly was a special young boy.  

I don't believe he sits or stands in heaven now and watches us.  I totally believe that he has no real concept of time there with Jesus and that is so perfect and content that he has no worries.  

I don't believe he needs to contact us -- but there are still ones here that need him.  

I believe I will meet him again - Revelation states in 21 "Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away and there was no longer any sea. He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light and the Lamb is its lamp.....

Those words, HE will wipe away every tear....that is why I don't believe Blake looks down upon me anymore - HE is with Jesus.  I believe we have no real concept of HOW wonderful HEAVEN is and how there is no care and no worry there.   

I have to believe that HEAVEN is THAT wonderful that we won't cry - it is hard to imagine, as humans here...we can only fathom what we see....

This past week, I mourned this young man in a new way.  I always disliked  that my mom would relate things to 'numbers' and yet, I guess I do the very same thing.  I do relate things to time and to how God uses HIS time to perfect us....it was 5 years ago when I got a phone call on Saturday afternoon.  I had just turned my phone on.  I had just finished DAY #2 of my 60 mile Susan G. Komen walk.  I walked by myself that year.   I was back in my tent and stretching when my sister called me.  

This past weekend, I walked the 60 miles and   God blessed me with a 'Blake' moment on the second day of my walk.  This time, I was with Rachel, my dear friend and I shared my Blake story with her as soon as she awoke on Sunday.   ( read on to hear the Blake story ) 

 This past week, on the 31st, I relived almost every memory of how Blake HATED Halloween and then on the 1st of November, I stayed busy as he went to heaven on the 1st of November ...his FAVORITE day. 

 It was always his favorite cause it was the DAY AFTER Halloween. He hated Halloween.  I laughed with God on Friday...God hates Halloween too -- really -- it is a celebration of 'dead'.  No matter how we 'sugar coat it' or make light of it -- it is a day of evil and its origins are something we all have to make peace with.  

 Hey ...no judgement here......My kids dressed up and we trick or treated and LOVED every moment of it -- until Blake hated it.  But, Blake got over his fears of costumes and the decorations as he got older.  He sort of got 'used to it'.  When I thought of that -- I thought about how many of us 'get used to sin' too....

Lord, forgive me.  Help me see sin for what sin is -- help me to be holy - cause YOU are holy but help me to SHOW love as YOU do ..YOU did...

I think I mourned Blake's passing again in a different way, cause I am different.  I believe I hurt more...and I live more now.   I have freedom to be myself.  I have security in God. 

 Many walls have been torn down in the past two years and I can cry without having to defend myself.  

I can mourn the loss of a child....not for the last time.  I am pretty sure the pain of losing a child never really goes away -- it just gets different.  

My sister said the BEST words to me on the 31st...she sent me a text, "I know you hurt inside too...I luv u.  Thank you for being his "favorite aunt".:)" 

That blessed me so.  

Blake, I don't believe you can hear me this eve -- cause I do believe in heaven-- and I believe that Jesus has looked you in your eyes and has shown you how BLESSED you made others by the life you led and THAT is what brings you the MOST joy now....

But if you could hear me -- I would say----- I love you and I miss you - bunches. 

  And I would tell you that  I miss hearing  'awe, Auntie MECHellllleee'  and I would sit on the couch and watch Texas Walker Ranger with you and I would  tease you about something....

- love you - Aunt Michelle 

PS -- the BLESSING I got on Saturday -- was a God thing. 

 A few days after Blake went to heaven, I was mourning him on my reading couch, rather upset cause I did not feel my family was mourning him like they should.  Both kids were in bed - not talking.  My husband was in bed - not talking and I was by myself in my quiet time position.  I was reading out of the LOVE DARE journal and I wrote in my journal -- "lord, If I could just know he was Ok".  And then I cried myself to sleep, and awoke about 30 minutes later and I was praying and looking towards the ceiling of my living room when all of a sudden, I had a vision of Blake running with his back to me, and I pointed to the ceiling where I saw him running in the grass and I could hear him laughing and I hear it audibly.  I found myself, within a moment, grabbing at the air above me - sort of like I was trying to have that  image  replay itself.  But I realized that within that 5 seconds -- I would not hear it anymore as the laughter had gone faint like Blake had run off -- but it blessed me so.  

It was not until the NEXT day when I returned to that same spot and looked at my journal that I read  what I had written, "Lord, I want to know he is Ok" and God answered that -- right then and there.  

God DOES that -- HE meets us RIGHT then and THERE!  

God gave me another audible on the Saturday night of the walk.  I thought of Blake a lot on Saturday as I walked as I was in pain with feet that wanted to quit, I was in prayer for many people as I walked with God, and I was a little ill too with a tummy ache.  I spent more time walking by myself on Saturday than I did the previous day.  But it was a day for me to reflect and remember and seek God as I walked.  Anyway, that next morning --  I awoke from a dream -- a dream in which I knew I was dreaming but watching the dream take place.  If that makes sense--but it was very clear -- I heard Blake on a recording, and I played it for another so he could hear it.  Blake said, in his voice.."Auntie Michelle, I don't like these pencils you got me, I like my old ones better".  That was something he would say.  When I realized I was listening to Blake, I stopped myself and realized I was in a dream cause Blake was in heaven and with that -- I awoke.  But I awoke - so happy -- ready to start the day and thanking God.  

I believe God did that for me.  

I believe God gives us little signs and tidbits of blessings -- things,  feelings,  situations we need to help get through the grief.

There is something missing -- we are missing something so much, we want to replace it or put something there in its place.  

The only true peace that can fill that spot - is the presence of the Holy Spirit  ----when we realize it is really GOD that gives us those blessings...it is really GOD that orchestrates the heavens....there is such a peace.  

If you don't have that peace -- SEEK it --and I pray you will see Blake again with me.  

Amen.  

...the POWER that sustains ...

  I want to share  something that is VERY hard to explain.....

Here is some scripture :

2 Timothy 3: 16-17 says All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. 

1 Corinthians 12.1 says  'now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I do not want you to be ignorant' 

1 Corinthians 1. 6-7 says 'you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed' 

Luke 3.16 says 'John answered the, all, " I baptize you with water, but one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to unite.  He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.'

John 1. 32- 34 says 'Then John gave his testimony: " I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him. And I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water told me, 'the man on whom you see the Spirit come down and remain is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.' I have seen and I testify that this is God's Chosen One." 

I am speaking about the POWER   -- the power that sustained me.
I believe that POWER was the difference.

I thank God for the ministering and mentoring possibilities HE brings to me.  I know I am an encourager and I SOUGHT out much encouragement when I was in the middle of a crisis of belief and heartache  within my immediate  family.  When I stop and speak, or write, I reflect and the enemy loves to remind me HOW long we were in that pain or how I  was ...or we were in turmoil  but so OUT Of fellowship with our Lord.    ( the enemy does that - he is a LIAR )

So I battle, and take those thoughts captive and believe HIS word and HIS promises.

But I will stop and ask myself -- "how did I do it Lord?"
 And I quickly remind myself or whomever I spoke to -- " I didn't -- HE did it through me...I did it through HIM "

And one of the main reasons I did overcome was because I had some EXTRA power.

 I had a power tool within my reach -- that power was a blessing and it DID sustain me.

This is a literal illustration but if I had to cut a forest of trees down, and I had a saw, I could do the job.  But if I had a POWER tool - an ELECTRIC saw - just think of HOW much faster I would get the job done.   

Sometimes we are SO full of hurt or SO full of  discouragement   that we just don't want to open our bibles nor even pray or think -- THAT is when I could stop, pray in my prayer language,  and know that know -- I WAS speaking DIRECTLY to the Father and the enemy had NO clue.  Amen.


I am referring to my prayer language -- I am referring to speaking in tongues.

I believe this is something that is lacking ....the Power of the Holy Spirit is needed.
God is raising a generation of women -- we are like the lioness' arising.  We are SO powerful and our swords are our words ...HIS words...OUR sword is the word of God.

We need to know it - live it, breathe it in and speak it out.

God's word shows me that HIS gift of the baptism of the Holy Spirit ...is HIS gift to me.
We ALL receive the Holy Spirit upon conversion or salvation  -- that is not what I am speaking of.
Being baptized in the Holy Spirit is separate and distinct  -- different from receiving the Holy Spirit at salvation.


Personally, I was raised Catholic and my priest told me that speaking in tongues was a way to help explain what transpired after the death of Christ.  He told me it does not happen today and that if it did - it would be for the priests.

I had asked, I inquired.   I was 17.

I went to church with my boyfriend - Brendan.  I heard some people pray out loud and it sounded weird.  It scared me.  Therefore I had already set my heart against it.

 I will remember one Sunday School lesson where it was discussed and praise God the teacher stated, "you don't have to be baptized in the Holy Spirit to go to heaven".  Relief -- I was 20.

In the mean time, I heard some people pray it more privately.  I asked questions of Brendan and his Grandparents and had it 'figured out'.

From age 21-35 various people at church would preach about it.  I ignored it - it still felt 'freaky'. I got too busy -- it was not needed in my opinion.

Brendan and I never discussed it.

 By the age of 37 - I became MORE aware of many things.  We were pretty involved in a wonderful church where the baptism of the holy spirit was not welcome.  In fact, it became a topic that had to be defended.   Brendan began to talk about it - conversations started.  He wanted it so I wanted it,  but in my own head - I was still afraid of it.   My uncle was diagnosed with cancer and all of a sudden  prayer became a focal point.

Skip to age 39 - this  was a time in my life when God was beginning to change me.

The enemy so deceived my husband, in hindsight I see a man that tried within his 'humanness' to seek God but the enemy won out each time, thus, deception and lies are believed.

In many lonely walks and countless  talks with God, I was 'given' a phrase a sentence.  It did not make sense.  I never spoke of it to my husband -- the enemy has such a wall between us then.  I did not tell anyone but repeating it over and over brought comfort.  I paid closer attention now to preachers on TV  and I read lots of books or articles on the subject.  And I asked God, "did I have my prayer language?".  But I had no idea if I did -- looking back, yes I did, God had baptized me in that prayer language but I was too weak ...too scared.... and to much of a baby in Christ to understand it and I did  not have anyone around me to disciple me. Oh God had put people there - but I couldn't see them.  I was blind.

Even though at that time -- I was attending church... But let me say it again  -- I  had many around me that could of helped me understand but the enemy had me so closed off and ALONE and isolated - even though I was a youth leader, I lead a bible study or two and I prayed often.

That was my idol of pride .....at that time I had things so figured out - I was so blind!
I also had a spirit of religion where I felt I knew what I was suppose to do and I did it.

Sometime in there,  I witnessed my daughter research it, seek it and get her prayer language and she was so excited ...so full of HIM she came home to share and within her speaking about it, our son read the material and was baptized in it instantly.  I had both kids speaking in their prayer language and I had to admit -- IT WAS real  ....and I went to the bedroom where my depressed husband was and I shared with him and he could not even look at me.

Now I understand why - he was so hard to anything of God and that was such conviction.  I had no idea of the sin my husband  was in ....I just thought he was in a major depression and mid-life crisis.  But how sweet of God, giving that gift  to my children as God  knew that within a few short years ...my children would NEED that as the hurricane had not HIT us yet.  I was 42.

It is hard to capture 10 years worth of feelings  in a blog that I try to keep brief -- but, I needed to say all that so that you  can understand the fear I had and the resistance I had to being baptized in the Holy Spirit.

...Until I was 44.  I believe THAT is when I truly OPENED the eyes HE gave me.  I had too - I was desperate.  I sought out a friend, a Pastor, as I sought prayer with he and his wife--God opened my eyes and I realized I had unforgiveness towards so many -- but who could blame me, I had been betrayed!

 He asked me if I had a prayer language and  I explained, and then he asked if he could pray for me in that prayer language and I said OF course! As he prayed, like I said, God opened my spiritual eyes and in my head,  and showed me that I had this mistrust and unforgiveness and that I needed to forgive him-- my friend who is NOW my Pastor ---- and so ---I forgave him and as those words came out of my mouth....my prayer language spit out in front of me.  I say spit out in front of me but it burst out - and it was real and I knew it and I freaked out cause I knew I did not put those words into my mouth.

Pastor immediately told me to continue to speak it out. AS I know now, that is so important when one receives their prayer language because the enemy hates it and quickly whispers - THAT is not real.  But I knew it was real and I just had to jump up and praise God.  From that point on -- I knew I could  rely on praying in my prayer language -- cause after that, there were many many many countless and sleepless nights where I just had NO more words but I wanted to speak to God and pray for the people in my life ....my family...I wanted restoration and I wanted redemption and I wanted my family - to be quite honest - I wanted my husband saved. Period.

THAT is the POWER that sustained me.
THAT is the power I rely on now to continue to fight the enemy.
THAT is the difference -- I believe in some of us getting our healing faster than others......
THAT is what I believe makes the difference.

Peter denied Jesus 3x while they were persecuting our Lord, and yet, after repenting and receiving the Baptism of the Holy Spirit on the day of Pentecost, he had power and boldness to preach to the multitudes and over 3000 were born again.


Skip back to me at age 44. After that night of prayer in my Pastor and his wife's living room - God began to open my eyes like never before and thus began a process that took time, patience, and lots of love and therapy  so that by age 45....I REALLY could forgive the one person I felt was the blame and I realized that I had to FORGIVE God too...but that is another blog.

I have always wanted to minister to people.   I feel. I want to be used by God.   I wanted to be the next Beth Moore once I heard her and realized WHAT she accomplishes through Christ.  But,  God did not make me Beth Moore...he made me Michelle.

 And yes,  I have been through a few trials and most recently my family,  has walked through the fire and we came out on the other side -- better, stronger, and finally FREE of so much bondage and strongholds.  Free of condemnation and shame, free of the lies that the enemy had convinced us all.   God allowed the hurt and betrayal of infidelity to pierce our family and so now -- many people believe I am some really GREAT prayer warrior or person that 'gets things done'.  One person even said I was remarkable ....I am not remarkable - I am HIS and if my words, or my actions help another to understand and realize that we all will face JESUS one day and give an account -- than praise God, I want to be used, I want the LOST saved.   One women even told me she needed me to pray for her grandson cause God hears me.....

God will hear her JUST a mightily but the enemy has her convinced her words are not good enough.  The enemy is a LIAR.

I am nothing without God.  I am nothing without Christ - HE is the one that healed.  HE is the one that restored -- I only grabbed onto the fringe of HIS garment and HUNG on for dear life.
I did hang on tight.
I did not give up.
I wanted to.  I asked God many many many nights to please release me -- to please let me just be DONE...but HE never did that.
 HE gave us His son -- so we can endure.

I am not perfect -- just to be real, I also prayed at that same  time that God would hold me still as I wanted to slash some tires and do MAJOR damage to body parts -- I did  -- I guess I am adding that cause I want to be real and transparent - walking through a fire is HARD..but the joy and rewards of seeing the beauty out of the ashes is such a  GOD blessing!   I am humbled.

 I sought HIS word and the sword and when I just COULD not pray anymore...I spoke my prayers directly to GOD by using my prayer language. It was the power I needed.

It was no longer freaky.
It was real.

I am 47 today ....

This boldness is only from HIM.  My life verse it to let HIS light shine in me - like Beth Moore says, "there is NO high like a Jesus high"...to see another be SET free...to believe in miracles and to be a part of a church body/family that believes  GOD Can do anything is encouragement and life to me...life to my daughter..and life to my husband.

BTW -- if you speak to him and get talking about God  -- he will tell you of THAT power too - and there is nothing more rewarding  than praying with your husband and hearing him claim life over you...bless you..and pray for you.   Hearing him ask me to pray for him, to keep another  in my prayers,  Etc. ETc.  THAT is what God intended.  THAT is why He allowed  our  crisis of faith.

...So, I could write today and even if ONLY one person reads this and gets the urge to inquire about the Holy Spirit and want to have that -- prayer language...I am blessed and humbled.

 You can have that power too - HE promised it.

The baptism is a gift  received by faith.
We receive it by asking.
Have you already spoke it out -- that you would never get it??
Have you experienced it before so you are already freaked out?

 You can change that.

Start reading the book of Acts and Corinthians chapters 12-14 and Jesus will be more real to you and if you have READ to the bottom of this post -- I believe YOU want that power too.

Humbled.
- Michelle

If you read this and endured to the end  -- I believe God is giving you a reminder -- HE wins!

This is my Pastor and his wife -- I appreciate their truth and powerful prayers and their intercession - it made a difference along with the MANY others that prayed for me, my husband and our family in our hurricane - it was MANY who prayed!  thank you !

..what GOD can do in 3 years..reflecting...

Three years ago this weekend, John James spoke at our church for the 2nd time.  He had been there once before but I remember this weekend cause I had invited my hubby to come and he did. Three years ago was a part of the AWKWARD years. We were separated at the time, and well - it was just awkward.

I had been transfixed on the fact that JOHN JAMES of Newsboys fame was actually coming to little old Okeechobee. How incredible. I remember being star struck -- but that was when I was 'so immature'. LOL
Seriously....he is just a man that puts his pants on the same way we do. Nonetheless...I was still thrilled. Besides Steven Curtis Chapman - the Newsboys were really the ONLY group that had cutting edge 'fast rock' praise and worship music.

I still laugh at when I saw them in concert in Ft. Pierce at the Civic Center. We had to get a baby sitter for Taylor as it was one of our first outings after she was born - 22+ years ago and we had to sit through 2 other 'alternative' bands first that literally BLEW out out eardrums and Brendan wanted to GO. There was NO place to sit and all these teens...I admit, wanted to leave too. I convinced him to stay and at least hear ONE ...ONE Newsboy song..."shine" was the current hit. 

Anyway, we did, we stayed. Thank goodness they had a new album and they wanted to play the newer songs but SHINE was the current hit - so it was about the 4th song they did. When it finally started I motioned to Brendan to look around -- in the audience now were people OUR age...WOW. All the teens had gone to sit and we were among the 'yuppies' of our age....25 year olds...or at least they looked 25ish!!  

such fun - WE did leave after that song, as our ears were ringing and it took the drive all the way back to Okeechobee before I could hear out of my ears normally. But I coined that as our FIRST concert - it really was. We had never been to any concerts before.

I remember John singing -- I remember him looking a bit scary -- little did I know but that is when he was going through his own hell - but that is another story and another blog post for him to tell. He has a remarkable testimony and love for God. He joined our church today -- our 'little' FOL church - as he is under our cover as a missionary for the USA! Yeah...sort of cool.

yeah God!

I am so blessed to call him a friend now. How cool is that.

Back to 3 years ago - that day, I remember Brendan going forward to speak to him - wow. In those months we spoke about what we HAD to speak about -- nothing more....now - it is such a different story. In fact, today Brendan was not at church, cause he was driving home from being a leader at a Men's Encounter in Titusville. Praise God -- only God can do that.

Three years ago, I took notes as John spoke and prayed about what may happen 'tomorrow'....Today, I took notes and prayed and thanked God for ALL HE has done and WHAT HE continues to do and I couldn't wait to get a call to hear of ALL that happened this weekend. As I knew- God was there. There were 12 men from our church that attended - tonight is the Celebration Service - I know I am going to be blessed by the testimonies!

So....let me go back once more... back to a prayer that I have taped in my bible. It is from 2 years ago - May of 2011, after one day I am sure I was a venting to my mentor - Pastor...Miss Linda.....

She replied with a prayer....

Lord, she is anxious to be the other half of him. To have that special love relationship that says you are approved of all the time. Nothing should be held back - that she is a part of his very business and life. She feels the intensity in her heart - that is the way it is suppose to be -- that she will have that relationship with her husband. 
Lord, she will have that. Lord, once the healing and recovery have taken place...when he is able to forgive everyone, including himself and move on...it will happen. Lord, he has to come to this conclusion by himself...You can't flip on the light switch with any special word or insight, in fact - he will maybe even resist more - just because he knows exactly how she feels already. He wants to be the head, he knows he is not and he is taking his frustration out on her...but he will turn to God and finally LAY it all down at YOUR feet - but it has to be his idea. 
Lord, I pray she will keep trusting God to instruct herself and him and to discipline his child ( Bren ). God you know how to lay it out plainly. It may GET harder before he submits - as he has been spoiled. God put these two together, HE has a plan. 
Once the enemy is thrown out of the mix, great and mighty things will happen. It will be exciting and wonderful - you are actually perfect for each other. Lord, I just can't wait to see what you will do with them as ONE in YOU...I will laugh at Satan and how he tried to defeat them. He is the one who will wonder what happened and it will bite him on the butt- big time. Love you, Linda.....

That prayer was said over and over!

God answered that prayer.

I am the other half of a stronger but GOD ordained union. It feels great.  
It is still HARD at times, but God wins.  

So, I share this today -- to remind someone that will read it - DON'T give up. 
God does change people. 
God does honor marriage.
God does hear your prayers. 
God has a plan. 


Psalm 37 3Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.  

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him, do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. GOD will win!!

and my foot may be broken.....

 Psalm 63

A psalm of David, regarding a time when David was in the wilderness of Judah.

¹ O God, you are my God;
    I earnestly search for you.  ( I've been  having a sort of indifferent time in the past two weeks.  Well, I say indifferent and yet,  I say - Blessed...only YOU, God,  can understand that! ) 

My soul thirsts for you;
    my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
    where there is no water.  ( I admit Lord, it seemed like there was just a dry spot - like I was waiting and asking for Your words and Your direction but it sort of seemed You were also telling me to just 'get over yourself'  -- or maybe it was 'be still' ....) 

² I have seen you in your sanctuary
    and gazed upon your power and glory. ( Oh my ....have I ever gazed on Your glory?  yes, I have!!    These past two weeks have just been tremendous - some incredible blessings and yet, some incredible lows  and thoughts, and then the incredible realization of how SHORT life is ) 

³ Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
    lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
⁵ You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.  ( I will praise You for as long as I live.  I have so much to be thankful for and there is such JOY in my heart and head!   

 I heard Bob Coy say this am -- are you doing what you want to do?  Are you sharing Jesus with another?  He was speaking about the martyrs and how they died for Jesus - do I die for Jesus?  I mean when they gave their life up for HIM...they went to heaven ..RIGHT away and we say 'awe' and yet ..we should say 'YES..lucky them! '.  Would I die for Christ?  Do I have what it takes?

I think so, I mean - God I pray that when I am with people the NEED to share Your love does penetrate my being!  )  

⁶ I lie awake thinking of you,
    meditating on you through the night.
⁷ Because you are my helper,
    I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
    your strong right hand holds me securely.  ( OH how those words have been music to my breaking heart... comfort to a hurting  head, and joy to my soul...and how they have sustained me in times where I felt I was so alone.   Your right hand DOES hold me!  )  

⁹ But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
    They will go down into the depths of the earth.
¹⁰ They will die by the sword
    and become the food of jackals.  ( In my opinion,  the only one plotting to kill me this past week was the Enemy -- even though I felt I was 'dying' cause my foot was in pain.  Silly me!  )  

¹¹ But the king will rejoice in God.
    All who trust in him will praise him,
    while liars will be silenced.  ( I do trust you Lord,  and the liars will be silenced -- oh do I wait for that day! )  

The past ten days have been indifferent or weird.  I have wanted to blog several times and today -- I came across something that spoke to my head and had me reflecting.  

When I blog, I really want my words  to be of God ...and HIS works, so that  the one  reading will hear my heart and maybe want  to SEEK  what should be beaming out of me-- God.  

When I blog, I want it to be read by many  and I find myself checking back to see how many 'hits' I have.  I can do this with the site I use.   I also am very protective of a few entries -- I don't want them to be misread or commented on  -- I want them to be accepted.   And yet I do.  I want feedback.   And there is was.....  Did you hear that?  

Whoa -- pride.   YEP- Pride.  A form of pride.   I never 'saw' this as pride before, or maybe I did - but I did not let it really sink in.  It did not make sense until today or maybe God just really opened my eyes now to WHAT HE wanted me to learn next. 

God gave me a talent to write.  I was thinking that I was being  humble in writing...making sure I was giving all glory and honor to HIM, but in that humbleness - there was pride.    That is what I gathered out of a blog that was written by a lady on a blog site that Angela Thomas shared.  

I will share it:  

I used to think my self-doubt and insecurity about writing were signs of my profound humility. It felt noble and heroic to be this full of agonizing self-doubt. It felt lowly and meek to be so tortured about whether or not I could write. I could almost hear the soundtrack and the violins. If there’d been open, windswept moors nearby, I’d have been on them.

But that’s the thing about pride. It hides itself.

The more I go on, the more I realize, it’s entirely the other way round. Our self-doubt and insecurity don’t reveal our humility; they mask our pride.

When you’re doubting whether you can do it, whether you’re a good writer, you’re looking to yourself, what you can do, what resources you have. You’re focused entirely inwardly, on yourself.

It’s pride because it means you think it’s all about you.

But if you realize it’s not about you — that whatever you have is a gift from God — if, in other words, you get out of the way — then you can be fearless. There is no vision too great, nothing too outrageous to dream, nothing too impossible to dare.

–Sally Lloyd-Jones

 I think I see and understand what the author meant.    

Maybe I am not explaining that too well -- but, these are God's words to share with anyone who reads it - God is giving me this post - to post, cause I boldly want to declare that God wins and that -- we can overcome anything with HIS help.  

So as I blog and post, I really should not feel the need to check back to see if anyone has read it and then place a value judgement on it...that was pride.  

So with that - I am blogging.  

The past 10 days have been indifferent from my perspective.   

This blog post may be a set of random thoughts but then again - it may be profound - only God knows.  

 Psalm 63 is a great prayer and request to God.  I have made a lot of requests to God in the past 2 weeks.  I have begged and pleaded with him to grant my pal in Watertown a miracle.   ( Trace )  I have prayed for financial burdens.   ( Our own, our kids and our insurance office.) I have prayed that HP would get to be a part of the TRAVEL FAU team ( he did ) and for his studies and for his walk with our Lord,  and I have prayed hives off of my other child - TP as well as other prayers for her.  

I have prayed for a new couple dealing with pain.  I have prayed for many and I continue to hold my family right there - extended and close - the ones' on the fence, the ones' lost, and the ones' that really have NO clue...and those that love HIM with a passion but they are too busy to put HIM first.   I also pray that the seeds I plant take root --   as I am just to sow a seed - HE does the growing.    

I have also come across some old memories  or triggers due to different circumstances and just how the enemy works  that back into our lives -- and I have had to forgive again - a person whom I blamed for hurt. 

  I have asked God to make sure - I give it to HIM.  I don't want ANYTHING to stand in the way of my relationship with HIM.  I can't harbor any unforgiveness or the least bit of envy or maybe feeling of revenge.   I give this person to HIM.   And I know that I have to seek forgiveness from another - I found something I wrote back in May of 2011, and in my very young/Christian head - this was only two years ago - I hurt and offended her and that is NOT what God wanted me to do. 

 I so, see it clearly now -- and now I am ready to say SORRY  and understand that I need to repent of that judgmental and callus attitude when it comes to her feelings --  she is a child of God too! Sometimes the hardest ones to love on -- are our OWN close family members.  

   How God reveals stuff in HIS time.    I found a letter that I will address from another. It spoke volumes to me, as in some of the old memories and circumstances have also  crept into conversations   these past 10 days, I can see how those situations hurt me and so therefore, I can clearly see how my words hurt her- I am reminded that the past is the past and yet, this part of my past and the apology that I must send forth - seemed to be buried in the past- but HE revealed it to me - and reminded me of what to do next.   And, with HIS correction and guidance -- restoration can now take place and I am praying she receives it.   Now - how creative of God to do that.  

HE really is in control. 
So why did I hurt my foot?  The doctor can't find anything wrong.
-Maybe I had to see the doctor again for HIS purpose.... 
-Maybe I had to learn  listen to my body and not wear the high heels that often....
-Maybe I was suppose to be at the  other doctor's office for a higher purpose.... 
-Maybe I  just really hurt it and it was to slow me down a bit ...one can't move fast when they have a limp....
--Maybe  the injury is just an object lesson for me -- to just DRAW closer to HIM.  
Or Maybe it is just a way to remind me -- I am prideful, as wearing the 'orthopedic shoe' is killing my vanity - they don't look CUTE with my outfits!  

 And THEN I have foot pain.   Again.    

Yep, I spent the last few days getting x-rays and then an ultrasound on my leg to find out the reason for some lumps, and some aches and pains.  I believe we are on the right track with the doctor, but I had an epiphany on Saturday as I was feeling VERY sorry for myself.  I really believe that God was just reminding me ..'get over yourself'  or He was saying 'be still!'

  Now God would never say that - 'get over yourself' -- I mean I did not hear a angelic choir but HE speaks to me via people, HIS word, and HE impresses upon me HIS thoughts - I can hear HIM when I am in prayer and conversation  ...but God... - HE is too much of a gentlemen, but HIS correction is felt.

  I know that no matter what the problem is, HE will provide the way to overcome it through HIM.  And besides, I have others around me struggling with WORSE circumstances and yet, they are working through it.  Praise God.  

By the way, I finally sought out prayer and swallowed my pride and asked for prayer to fix my legs -- how is it that I KNOW what I KNOW and yet, within a week's time, I feel like I am back having to relearn a few lessons like I just declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior last week -- when it has been years!  

And my cell group prayed along with some other prayer warriors on Thursday  and today - my foot pain is almost gone - believing it was just a distraction....!!

I have been praying, and planning to walk 60 miles in 2 weeks - in honor of a pal and in support of many dealing and battling with breast cancer - I want to help find a cure.

  My participation is also selfish and yet it also meets a need.  The three days , I walk in that walk, I am told how wonderful and awesome I am by many strangers.  It is three days of being pampered and being fed words of affirmation  as you walk in 100 degree heat with the chance of getting blisters...but, it is also meeting a need.  It gives one such a sense of accomplishment to know that you helped - find a cure.  I am careful to ask God - is this my pride??...or am I doing this for the right reasons? 

I believe I am doing it for the right reasons and because of this walk - you can sort of understand WHY I can't have foot pain - it just does not match up.!! 

In closing -- I had to seek out forgiveness from my hubby, in those moments that the  memories of the past resurfaced, my flesh wanted to make him hurt too and it did a few times.  In my quiet time, I had to confess to God that I may be spending more time ministering to others rather than putting my time with HIM first.  In my faith department, I had to go back to the basics and repeat what I know works -- putting HIM first and reading HIS word.   Prayer.  Prayer and more prayer.  

I guess these  past two weeks were just a good 'funk'.  And with the coming of this weekend - my husband will be helping with a Men's Encounter for another church.  He will hear from God and have a new Encounter with HIM. 

So, why wouldn't the Enemy be attacking us both -- as the Enemy knows he is being defeated with every soul being set free!  

 And THAT could be the reason why I have foot pain - the enemy has sort of tired his best again to get into our lives....little cracks left open, where he can settle in and begin to lie again and if we are NOT careful - our flesh repeats our past and we ..have a weird  or indifferent week.   But guess what HE won.  

Amen.  

Lord, help me always, to remember my OWN sin and therefore not allow the past of his sin..or her sin..or their sin...or mine...distract me.  God my 'sin' was JUST as bad and set you upon the cross as well!  I realize that!  
 Lord, bless him - my handsome man -  as he continues to heal and God I pray that I would discern better next time when an onslaught of  lies from the enemy approaches.  Lord, that there would be NO pride what so ever - Lord, that this blog would bless another - it blessed me just by being able to vent and share my love for YOU Lord.  Lord, I pray you are saying - well done my good and faithful daughter.  And Thank you for the blessing of being asked to carry the flag in the Opening and Closing ceremonies at the Walk - this is YOUR way of reminding me - I am your girl - I know it - as ONLY YOU knew how important that was to me.  Only YOU understand my head and heart - and you give the desires of our hearts to us - you really do, even when I have allowed the enemy to lie to me here and there these past two weeks.  Wow Lord, I am humbled -- and that is not pride ..

I am humbled that YOU love me THAT much. 
God I pray -others will want this too.  BAD...BAd enough to be bold and come to church ..or seek forgiveness..or even OPEN Your word.   God they are Yours.  
Your daughter - chell