Envy is a desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to someone else. I copied those right off the internet dictionary!
I was very envious as a child.
I was a very envious or jealous teen. And as a young married woman -- the jealousy continued, even as I began to raise my children.
I did become very aware of this tendency or trait as I began to raise my children and I began to seek God in changing that! I pray I didn't instill this trait into my children...I do believe it is one of the things that I prayed against and taught against.
I am not that proud of this - and sharing this revelation is very humbling. However, I can say that Jesus did some HOLY surgery in me when I went to a God Encounter Weekend back in February of 2011 and seriously -- He healed me of much and so now, envy can still creeeeep in ....but it does NOT have a power over me like it did. The Holy Spirit also revealed WHERE that came into my life -- with that knowledge, I was able to retrain my thoughts and really be aware of this stronghold that needed to be healed and dismissed. And as usual....it can be linked to our past and yet, I declare and claim and Christ has created a new heart within me. As I don't want this stronghold to be passed down to my children, nor my grand girls.
I share this because today's prayer focus is about envy in a marriage. Often there is much envy between the husband and the wife. Often both are so broken that once the honeymoon phase and lust fade away from the initial 'love' of a couple....the enemy can begin to work his whispers and lies and begin to get into the marriage through envy and jealousy.
I constantly compared myself to other women and literally every female was probably 'sized' up from the moment I met you. I was THAT insecure!
In my own spiritual life...I was jealous of others that seemed to have it all together. I was jealous of those who knew the bible better than me and at time, I could even be jealous of my daughter-because she was way more wise than I was. I really.. had a problem. And I knew it.
So I could get a hold of this stronghold and suppress it and not allow it to control my thoughts and then something could happen and it would come back. Truly ..it 'eb'd and flowed'...according to my relationship with Jesus.
Back in a time where I knew we were in a HARD season of our marriage, I found myself being jealous and very envious of the marriages around me. A big flag or reminder of 'what we don't have' can be directly linked to TV - soap operas or dramas. TV movies...many things that catch our eyes can remind us or remind of of WHAT I don't or didn't have. I found myself - often - being discontented after watching something on TV or even watching the conversations between another man and his wife.
There was a time where I did lust after married men and watched carefully how couples interacted and spoke to each other. Being envious, it usually ended up coming 'home' with me and I would use that knowledge to judge or evaluate my own marriage and ....well...it just was NOT a good practice. I NEVER won a disagreement and it NEVER helped our union!!
As I realized my own marriage was in some sort of a crisis, my hunger to be like other couples increased and I got very downhearted and frustrated with my own marriage. I would even be in places and purposefully flirt and try my best to get the attention of other married men.
Truth be told - my own husband was totally oblivious to it -- which infuriated me even more. As he was in his own world. Anyway, now that I write and admit that -- please note....I didn't make a pass at any man, nor do I think any wives had a major fight with their husbands because of my 'innocent' flirting - but it was very real and when I would get home and crawl into bed...I would cry myself to sleep and allow the enemy to tell me ..."no one loves me"... and that my husband "even didn't love me".
Years later in therapy -- those ( almost 3 years ) years of crying myself to sleep did nothing but push him father away. Yet, he knew exactly what was transpiring and yet...he too was in his own deception and he listened to the enemy instead of what he knew God wanted him to do.
"When godly people do ungodly things"....is a VERY good book and bible study by Beth Moore that I strong suggest. Anyway -- back to my point.
I realized after a good year of crying ...that nothing was going to change ..that I had to change. And I began to do many things to help myself. Counsel, bible studies, reading, and more prayer. And..I GOT back into a church and attended church. Sometimes, it just made the tears at the end of the night MORE real, but slowly, I know God was changing me and my heart. So that when the phone call happened...and the enemy had the PERFECT way to remind me to be jealous....God was at work and my spirit was ready to fight. Fight for my marriage.
Enough about me -- there are some wives and husbands out there -- that are in the same boat. They are looking at their own marriage and comparing it to others. There are young women looking at the boyfriends of their friends and comparing their own relationships with others. And there are young adults -- watching their parents and seeing WHAT they don't want to see happen in their own lives. The enemy is alive and well ...and being envious of another couple or person is not healthy for your own marriage and life.
So I will pray ....
Lord, I looked back and felt shame for HOW I acted and reacted in a very hard time of my life. However, I know that even in that sad part -- YOU loved me. I pray for the one reading this -- that her or she understands that they TOO are loved, even in their hard and sinful times. God does love, but He asks us to...move to HIM as believers.
As Your Word says, Love is patient and Kind... and that love does not envy or boast.... You are the ultimate example of being patient and kind to me. And I believe that You directed the focus of this prayer today.
Lord, for the wife that looks at her husband and wishes that he would be someone else or act like someone else... I pray she will begin to pray for him in a way that builds him up instead of compares him to others.
Lord, for the wife that was like me and is jealous of her pals or others around her because they have a marriage that she wants... Help her Lord-- to see the good within her marriage and may she begin to see a way to pray for her man but also get the help she needs to move beyond this. I pray she is seeking You and allowing the changes within her that need to happen....as well!
Lord, the saying "keeping up with the Jones'"...can be a very trying saying and it can cause hardship when we compare our lives and our marriages to those around us or even on TV. You know Lord, we literally lived next to the Jones' -- whom we love, but we know, that behind many smiles - each of us have troubles as Jesus reminded us, "in this life you will have troubles".
Lord, for the many marriages that Bren and I hold up in prayer -- I pray that they will begin to see that You can change hearts and change people. I pray specifically for the marriages of my own family - near and far...God...that each would seek You and want to be IN Your Presence ...as when that happens -- Holy Surgery can happen as well, and I am sure that when they seek YOU ..there will be healing. IN Jesus Name...Amen.
And PS Lord, now that I mentioned "the Jones'"...we are most grateful for those friends and family that loved us -- through the harder parts. It wasn't just them, but MANY couples contacted either me or Bren and reminded us collectively or individually that they were praying for us. I just wanted to thank them Lord...they know WHO they are -- but today I will ask a blessing upon them as well -- as many of them suffered their own heartaches which brought them to us and they could pray and knew how to pray. And others, somehow seemed to escape the BIG troubles within a marriage and yet, they know HOW-- it was because of God. Each of them Lord -- bless them. And if any of them need us to pray for them, we believe they will ask. We want God's best for them. Thanks.
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