In the last few days, whenever the thought of our friend who took his life enters my thoughts -- well, I pray. I pray. Those thoughts can grip you one moment, cause anger the next, and then they can just overcome you with pure sadness. Especially when I think of his family and the children he left behind. I think of his wife too and pray that she will seek the will of God and begin again. I pray for her guilt, her feelings, and her job now as a single mom.
So I have asked God over and over about what is next within this series. The following blog was written 3 years ago. It is time sensitive so when I say, "five years ago"...it is now eight years ago! However, I felt it was a good thing or read and revisit for me today.
Our words are so important. Sharing what is godly and good is so important. Speaking life is important as well. And, rebuking the enemy is just as powerful as speaking life. Many people do not understand that.
Being rejected...hurts. At one time, on a very dark night ... I found myself with a knife and I was cutting up my husband's belt. One. piece. at. a. time. Then I went to some shirts...and a hat. I left the bedroom and headed to the kitchen where I tried to destroy some other personal items. I had a knife in my hand and I ended up using the knife to jab holes into our kitchen table. After a few good moments, I realized what I was doing and I remember looking at the knife. I also remember wanting to do MORE damage but realized that I had to stop, that going further was not longer releasing anger but allowing the enemy to control my thoughts.
I am not sure if I called my sister - n- law or the Holy Spirit spoke to her to check on me, but I remember her being there shortly after that kitchen table revelation. I remember asking myself, "what am I doing?". I remember her standing there, in my bedroom looking at me a bit strange and I remember her just listening and making sure I was ok before she left.
But the hurt was so hurtful and the desperation was very real. I couldn't control something and I wanted to. I did not consider taking my life, but I asked God to beam me home...it was too hard and too painful to fall asleep and endure another day.
.....But the hurt was so hurtful and the desperation was very real. I couldn't control something and I wanted to. I did not consider taking my life, but I asked God to beam me home...it was too hard and too painful to fall asleep and endure another day.
But the hurt was so hurtful and the desperation was very real. I couldn't control something and I wanted to. I did not consider taking my life, but I asked God to beam me home...it was too hard and too painful to fall asleep and endure another day.
There -- I am being very real, transparent, and very intimate on this blog. Remember I have stated that we are to be authentic to everyone. Transparent to most, but intimate to only a few. As I lay this out there for the public to read, I pray that God will protect it. ( And me. ) Some may read this and have empathy - others may have gotten to this point and stopped reading--it is just too close to home, and still, I bet there is one who will read this and cry ...as she has been 'there' or 'here' too. Maybe there is a husband who is reading this and he has been there too.
Pain is pain but sometimes we bypass what is right and smart to do -- and allow the enemy to convince us that some other choice will be better.
Pain is pain but sometimes we bypass truth and allow the enemy to convince us that some other truth is a better choice and outcome.
I don't claim to know 'why' a very loved and awesome father decided to take his life ....but I do know, that God never left his side. I am sure of it. Suicide is a grey area in the bible.
My Grandfather took his life in a most public way when I was eight years old. We don't forget life changing moments -- and I can easily remember that day we found out and how we found out. I can remember the look and anquish on my mother's face and then as we traveled to Grandma's house...I remember the adults all sitting around - trying to make sense of it all. I don't remember the funeral as much, only that I was missing the first day of 3rd grade - as that was my world. As an eight year old...back in 1976...I was told I could not speak about it. That is what children were told back then...but kids inquired. It had been in the paper. I remember lying. I was encouraged to lie - cause it was 'no ones business'. There was shame within the family.
I remember the moment, in my brand new yellow 'spring jacket', standing with my head hung low when my cousin asked me how my grandpa had died. I looked at her only a moment and then hung my head and said, "I don't know". And then ran off....
Over the many years beyond that, suicide has been an awareness within the walls of my head, heart, family, and circle of influence. My mom always felt -- 'we could have been more aware'. However, most often the ones who say they will take their lives are not the ones that actually do it. And maybe that well loved father did not wake up that fateful morning intending the outcome that transpired -- but he was hurting.
So -- anyway.... with that, I would love to have just one more chance to encourage the someone we knew...I would tell him to hang in there -- there is HOPE and even if it seemed his marriage was ending, that God still had plenty of LIFE FOR HIM and his children. My husband spoke to him often and encouraged him -- that God could change hearts and there was hope.
But, that can't happen anymore. And I totally get how in an instant ..something can happen and totally change a mind. WE can choose our choices but we can't choose the consequences.
Words, the words we hear and the ones we tell ourselves -- may they be or they must be of God!
Lord, the prayer today -- is still for marriages. Lord, I pray that the people surrounding the family involved in last week's shooting will continue to seek God and others to begin the healing process. Lord, I pray for the children...that they will grow to know that God is good and their dad is in heaven. I am just declaring that. Why would I think otherwise Lord?? I can't think of any other alternative. Lord, I pray for those women and men who have struggling marriages - that they would continue to believe that You can change hearts and that they marriages can be godly. Lord, I pray for the one reading this... I pray he or she reads my heart and connects in some way. And Lord, I pray for the one particular couple -- family Lord -- that is separated at this time... God I pray that this separation would be a time where they seek You and realize that Your Will is for them to regroup, reequip, and regenerate what was lost -- but starting a new. IN Jesus Name. Amen. And Lord, for the hurt when I was just eight years old -- You have brought healing and peace but perhaps there are others that are still struggling with this - may they SEEK You and be healed in Your name. Amen.
Ok here is that blog. In my attempt to seek counsel and control my circumstances, I acted on a suggestion that I felt - at the time -- was the perfect way to 'snap' my estranged husband BACK to reality and BACK to our home. It didn't work - it made stuff worse. But here is a blog about it and HOW God met me and honored me because he knew my heart. My heart was in the right place...to seek MORE people to pray and 'then' ...he would return to our marriage.
Once an affair is revealed -- there can be 'stopping' but most often -- there are soul ties established and nothing usually stops within a day.
Sad, but true. I was reminded often.."your marriage did not fall apart in a week or one day....so it will take MORE than a week or a day to reconcile".
IN a very desperate time, we make choices and I made a choice that I truly felt was God leading me. But I had misinterpreted something. Some may feel I didn't -- that it was TIME to expose my husband's sin before the congregation, but God's Word does show and tell us how we are to deal with people that are sinning. I neglected to really give God the time to show me what He needed me to do.
I hated that -- but it was true. God's timing. So with that -- you can read what I did -- back over July 4th weekend in 2010. I wrote this blog, five years after that -- in 2015!
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One of the things I have learned is THAT I can't make sense of things.
Well let me explain....I can make sense that 2 + 2 = 4.
I can tell you that if I turn the oven on - it gets hot.
I understand and realize that it takes 9 months or longer to produce a baby....and that only women can do that!
I realize that most problems are caused by our own actions but some problems or situations are not our fault or caused by our actions.
THAT is when I continually go to God and ask WHY.?
Why?
However, in my 49+ years now - I realize that HE does not have to explain HIMSELF - HE is God.
When we try to figure it out - we are putting ourselves RIGHT there as an equal with HIM.
I don't ever want to do that.
I don't want to even think that I know it all.
I don't.
Earlier this week, I prayed with a woman about a situation and we both wanted to try and figure out the 'why'...but I had to remind myself and her -- sometimes we are never given the 'why'...we have been allowed into this situation because HE wants to teach us something, or draw us close, or discipline us -- in any of the circumstances -- God has to be the one in control.
Five years ago, I asked many - to stand in the gap with me and pray for a man that had 'soul cancer'. I misinterpreted scripture and went before a body of believers and 'called him out'. I asked strangers that worshiped with me, in a polite and tearful way, to join with me and pray for my husband. I really thought I had it figured out. I really believed that I would go before many, seek their prayers, and by the end of the week - my family would be restored.
I just really thought it was THAT simple.
Boy - was I WRONG.
Now, God knew my heart and HE brought some very good out of that situation but that 'doing' also severed any bit of real hope in him -
I mean, it totally severed 'what was left' of the relationship I had with that person.
He was hurt. I was to pray for him...I was to seek others to join me in prayer - but I wasn't to make a public spectacle of it - there were many people that were unaware of his actions and it brought shame and hurt. Since then, I have sought out forgiveness -- I was just wrong. I was an immature Christian. A hurting woman. But I had NO clue of that at the time.......but I believe God used my choice of action as a teaching point for me and for others as well. ( HE later taught and showed me where I 'went' wrong - it was a lesson I will never forget!)
The bible says, "he who is without sin -cast the first stone". There was one thing I really did not know or understand....secret sin. I had secret sin too - I shouldn't of cast a stone - as I was just as guilty of sin.
Sin is sin.
Some sin is public for others to see.
Most sin is private.
But sin is sin. God is the judge - not me...not others...not others!
I had hatred in my heart.
I had committed spiritual adultery. But no one really 'saw' that....
It is hard to make sense of things.
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| Taylor created this..... |
I wish I could say I waited patiently...from the outside people said I was patient but I really wasn't.
But God had to do so much FIXING in me first and had to change quite a bit of me and how I thought about stuff - cause I was still trying to make sense.
However, I also had to learn to trust God. I had to let God be my ONE true love.
Once you really get a grip on WHAT that means.....with GOD being ALL.....the rest does not seem to be THAT important. And the NEED to have it figured out ---diminished.
So again, I blog this evening and there is a deep burden on my heart and it has been a focus of prayer today and I am reminded that I don't have to try and make sense of it all.
I am reminded that God wins.
I am reminded that a window of heaven has opened -- now -- today --- there is a movement within our American churches today -- we want MORE of HIM.
I believe the women of God are rising up.....I have seen this.
I believe the women of God are understanding that we must TRUST HIM more!
And because of that -- the ENEMY will be striking more.
He will continue to seek, kill, and destroy as we as women of God are hated by him. He is a liar. And with our world so quick to be mindful of 'what is right'......we, as women of God will NEED to be strong with our ARMOR ON!
WE must be ready!
Our families.....ARE being attacked.
Period.
I bet it is around you too - I bet that if you are reading this and you are aware of the spiritual rheum - there is someone that you could STAND in the gap for right now....let them know you will pray...please. THAT meant SO much to me in my time of crisis of faith....OH GOD...THAT is how HE sustained me.
And I will leave you with this scripture that blessed me so and credit my daughter for the graphic!
Lamentations 3. 29 from the Message bible...
"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear."
Get away by yourself...seek HIM. Allow HIM to speak to you - be quiet. BOW in prayer - do it. Don't ask God why...don't ask questions.....listen, read HIS word...and wait for hope to appear and it will.
I know it will.
I have lived long enough to know -- that while we are in the 'middle of something'...it seems hard to see BEYOND the hurt and the circumstances......but HOLD on -- allow the friend to pray for you...
.....allow another to stand in the gap...
Go before HIM...seek HIM....
HOld your tongue - but be diligent in prayer and watch....God will give you little tidbits of blessings or signs where you will know .....HE is at work - so wait for the FULL answer or the HOPE to appear!
God wins.
I have seen it within our lives. Don't give up!
Psalm 27.13
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