Sunday, May 19, 2019

One Notch Above Cautious -- the sequel.

When life is going along, someone may ask, "how are you?" and you reply -- "fine, just fine!".
When a trial comes it either stops you in your tracks or it totally breaks you and when asked, "how are you?" you may just reply --  "fine, just fine!".  But the tone and texture of your reply may speak more than your words.

I wrote this BLOG back in August of 2011.

 Today, I know there is someone that is in the middle of a trial.   She has seen some GREAT victories through faith and prayer but there is a LONG way to healing.  

She has seen some breakthroughs and the HOPE she has in a victory within her family is not in her sight as of yet -- but she has faith!

In that time period of my life, when one asked me "how are you?", I would reply, "one notch above cautious!".

So, this is an OLD blog from 2011 -- but I believe someone needs to be reminded as they continue to pray to believe that this season will pass and they too will be one notch above cautious!

And as I read through it -- I rejoiced at WHAT God has done and that some specific prayers were answered.  

So, as you read this OLD Blog...there are some updates.  THAT, I believe can give the one reading this  HOPE.  

We need to encourage each other -- as God will win!  You will win!  

Back to 2011 --

It is funny -- no it is God's timing,  that today I just sort of  went  one notch about cautious.
What does that mean? Well, for so long there has been a trial, a problem, an event, or just a big old plain elephant in the room. So many things, events, people, and just STUFF involved. One goes through SO many emotions that you almost become RAW at one point and then HARD and vow NEVER to be hurt like that again!
And then you really RE-evaluate and think -WHAT DO I want?
What I wanted?? -- more of God.
I wanted to be in the CENTER of HIS will and I wanted to hear those prophetic words, "well, done my good and faithful servant Michelle".

So choices had to be made.

James 1.12 says: Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Blessed is the woman, hurt, that perseveres under trial, because when she has withstood the test, she will receive the crown of life that GOD has promised to those who LOVE HIM.

Blessed is Michelle . . it is hard to sometimes really believe that GOD loves me as much as HE loves Jesus. It is hard to wrap my mind around it.

And so, I have been cautious with my heart. I am cautious, I have good reason. But, when I really reflect and think -- I broke God's heart too. I loved HIM but I really did not WANT HIM . .nor did I really understand HOW to love HIM the way I was suppose to, nor did I understand HIS true grace and mercy. 

 But now . . .

I believe I can say that I have experienced HIS grace and mercy and so therefore, I must give it. Period.

To give grace and mercy .. sometimes it takes extreme patience.
 Patience is to have the ability to endure, but it does stop there.
Patience must also have the capacity to be wronged and not retaliate. In other words, patience is love persevering and love waiting. We are not only to be patient in the way we face difficult situations but in our relationships as well.
Easy to say, HARD to LIVE.

Job Stood firm.

I remember the day I had a revelation -- God loves me like HE did JOB. God has allowed this trial in my life .. this journey .. this hurt . .because HE wants to see if MICHELLE will stand firm. I chose that. I have. I tired. I failed but I tried again. I choose this each day I wake up.

And with that, I have become cautious. People say and act a certain way . . .but sticking around long enough and listening and watching sometimes shows one's true heart.
That is why, I would say . .I am one notch . above cautious.

God's restoration power is at work, God's healing is at work, but it is not complete as of yet. 

The smile on my face, praises GOD for the glorious miracles I see and hear and witness, but I realize the ENEMY is still fighting mad and won't stop! Together, and I am claiming this, together, my husband and I can defeat the Enemy's schemes for our family and friends and I am so anxious to watch how God brings this about.

I am believing that we, both, together can make a difference for HIS Kingdom and I want that. And I believe that God will reveal even more to my husband and do a mighty miracle with everything we have encountered and endured.

**** Insert today -- May 19, 2019 ...I do believe that my husband and I, together, did defeat the enemy's try to sabotage our marriage and our family.  I read this today, and thought back to that DECLARATION.  I did not SEE stuff that would guarantee me to believe that -- but I prayed and declared as if I WOULD.  Praise God -- this has come into fruition!   

Back to  2011 -- 

Every trial must come through HIS love but every trial has a purpose.

 Every pain, every ordeal contains a seed of victory and there is a promise for every problem you and I will ever face. (I am stealing this from Mary Southerland)

Scipture says: " The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger, I trust in HIM with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy." Psm. 28.7

Patience pays off in many ways, but one of the greatest rewards of patience is joy, a deeply - rooted confidence that God is in control.

I can say, this deeply rooted confidence. . that God is in CONTROL . .won't be shaken from me - ever . . .HE will do what HE says HE will do.

 Today, as I finish updating this blog for today -- May 19, 2019.  I have to add this in -- I wrote this blog and prayer back in June of 2011,   after a very 'turning point' weekend.  A weekend that I had prayed for, a weekend that changed the destiny of our marriage,   a weekend where I felt the outcome would be THIS...and yet, it was THAT.... ! 

 The enemy continued to do his best in trying to defeat us and yet...God won.  As I read this prayer today back to myself, I just praised the Lord as to WHAT HE had planned.  So, as I post this blog today, I pray that it will give the right one hope, it would maybe make the right one rethink what she is doing or what he is doing, and I pray it may even remind another that her healing is coming ....slowly, but that God is in control.    The original post /prayer is in purple.  I would use that color to remind myself that those words were ROYAL... and that I had a priestly inheritance.  So, I will leave it be, and interject a few UPDATED praises.  ( In black )   - May the time YOU spent in reading this -- not prove to be in vain.  And if it helps you - I would challenge you to share it or maybe even comment, as my hubs and I would be glad to stand in the gap and pray for you as well.  - Michelle 

Heavenly Father, thank you for the revelation of the Encounter Weekend for both me and for my husband. Thank you for that day, that particular day when the gifts you bestowed on others spoke directly to him. 
Lord, thank you for selling the house ( I know you will do that.) and allowing us to move forward in a new direction with a new purpose and a new calling for you. ( Our house sold in 5 weeks - God was directly moving us. I wrote Thank you even before we had an offer -- speaking it out - declaring!)  

Lord, thank you for the little mini-tidbits of miracles and the hurts that have been healed with small gestures and comments.  ( I couldn't comment on those mini -tidbits of miracles as they were personal, but over and over since the beginning of this fateful trial -- God has blessed me at the right time with the right people or the right things or the right stuff to move me forward.  He knows WHAT makes me tick and what will speak to me -- and only me and HE knows that because HE formed me.  I often remind others of this...and yet, we can forget easily.  )  

Lord, I would never say it was because of 'me' but it is because of YOU that I have the ability to give grace and mercy because I sit here humbled that you waited this long for me. I have  the love for the manual-- it  is here, the mind set is here, you  are the master and  are at the top, and the ministry will come.   ( This is a direct reference to a prayer /words spoken over me by Tim Tebow's mother back in September of 2010.  I held onto it - and believed it as the manual or God's Word WAS NOT my manual for many many years and the trial we faced....brought me to His Word.  THAT was  a good thing.)  

I pray for my husband, Lord, do not allow the Enemy to steal what YOU have revealed to him and Lord, continue to restore, continue to bless, and continue to show me the wondrous mysteries of YOUR love through him. Lord, I thank you for the patience you gave me, for the healing you provided, I want to be way above  "one notch than cautious" . .but you know my private prayers and you know how fear can still creep in   ( that FEAR -- can creep in daily and even almost some 9 years later, that FEAR can still show its hurting/ugly head.  Praise God, I  can run to a mentor and prayer warrior to vent and seek for prayer;  Praise God she points me back to HIM... THAT God will WIN...and that FEAR is NOT allowed.  God won.  Fear is defeated!)  . .. . but I believe, I know . .YOU are GOD and you want this more than we do. Amen. I love you Lord. - Your grateful beautiful daughter - Michelle

I am grateful Lord for WHAT you have done and HOW you continue to heal and work within us.  Lord, we both - only wish to glorify YOU.  We humbly seek you and know, that when you ask us to move - we will follow.  Protect us Lord, even far removed from "one notch above cautious" but not blinded to how the enemy can so quickly throw a dart or cause doubt.  May our lives be love song....may the fruit from our marriage and our testimony truly show to others around you that GOD CAN WIN.  Amen.  And may the one or many that read this today -- feel and know YOU want this for THEM as well.  IN Jesus' Precious and Strong name - AMEN. 

Saturday, May 11, 2019

I need you more --

In a blink of an eye -- life flashed. 
Right in front of my eyes, never knew that the fear could cripple my chest.
In the blink of an eye, the light left. 

And I wish I knew why...  I need  YOU more -- more than ever before, Yeah I need you  more.  
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best ....Won't you steady my heart Lord for whatever comes next?  

So holy it is, so holy this moment is -- I Know I NEED YOU more.  
Just a little closer, a little clearer, our souls are nearer tonight -- Our souls are nearer tonight.  

This song bring a flood gate of tears to my head, my eyes and as as the tears drip down, off onto the journal page in front of me and I see puddles of tears....

I need YOU more -- more than ever before.   - For King and Country -Need You More

In the blink of an eye -- our lives can change so drastically.  

A friend is watching his daughter fight for her life in a University Hospital - 

A mother is trying to walk out a HARD situation as her son is ready to meet Jesus

A wife is being obedient and totally trusting that her husband will finally seek the program needed to bring freedom from addiction - 

A woman of God being courageous and beginning a bible study with women who need love- 

A wife who is no longer married, but feels the sting of divorce and adultery tearing her up - 

A mother who continually speaks life to her sons in prison -

A young mother walking the balancing act between a daughter and a "step daughter" that truly she loves just like her own -- but parenting with others is hard - 

A young mother  just trying to make sure her fears don't explode all over her daughter so she grows up in fear instead of freedom - 

A mother seeking chemo to attack another type of neurological condition but hurting from after-effects-

  A Grandmother raising two grandchildren trying to seek Jesus as their parents continually choose death instead of life - 

  A ... 
A ... 
A....  there is MUCH in this day -- the burdens are TOO hard to bear unless we CAST them onto Our Lord ... His shoulders are BIG enough and His shoulders WILL carry our burdens.  

There is a kind of love -- and GRACE that only comes through Jesus and the freedom we can have through HIM. 

Last night I was reminded that "when  the PROXIMITY of Jesus and seeking Him  above everything and anyone --is the most important thing in our lives -- it  will lead us into the anointing" - Lisa Harper. 

  Being with - seeking - running to Jesus in EACH and every moment brings peace through out the turmoil and hardships.  It allows us to sleep otherwise we'd carry these burdens and indeed -- die.  

Freedom is found in that liberating message -- 

Many times, when the burdens are just too hard, I use my prayer language to pray.  I do.  Its mine.  Its between me and God.  I don't know exactly WHAT we are conversing about, but scripturally  - I know I am speaking EXACTLY what needs to be said to HIM Creator - my God, my Lord. 

So, I can't really share those prayers -- but I can share this one: 

Lord - be IT for her ... be IT for him... be IT for them... I know YOU are RIGHT there -- but may they SEEK YOU - may they NO longer be bent over in anguish but arise and stand upright - knowing that INDEED...  YOU are RIGHT there.. and claiming healing, claiming prosperity, claiming truth be realized, claiming that YOU will WIN! 
In Jesus name.  

Sunday, April 28, 2019

He made me a promise.

He made me a promise

The above is a link to the song on You Tube.

This song today -- had me at "He"... this morning in worship.

It is a song that has brought me to my knees and it has brought me to His throne.

 And as we worshiped, God ...showed me about the dream.  
I had to stop -- I had to sit at my table and write... I couldn't move my pen fast enough.  Then I snapped back up and went back to worship.  Oh how I love when the Spirit is moving so conscientiously within the worship time.  

It was quite powerful.

The dream - earlier --  It was about my son. 
Yet, I think it was for so many more. 

 He was in this beautiful room along with many former students and people that I recognized.  One of his favorite teachers was being honored.  And as many of the students got up, problem after problem occurred with their performance.   We were in this room that echoed -- and it was suppose to be this beautiful poem, presentation,  or music... you knew it wasn't ending up the way it was intended.

  It was rather sad.  I remember being confused as to why I couldn't hear what was intended.   I was there in the audience and feeling SO sad for the teacher being honored.  I could see her face and yet, it was very obscure. 

 When God gives me these types of dreams... I realize HE doesn't want me to attach a face with it means more.  So, I asked is ...... or is it...?? 
 Or Lord, let me see her face.

As I showered for Church, I sought the Holy Spirit to give me meaning and purpose of this dream as it was so real.

 Then I asked God, is it me?   Was it me there being honored and the mishaps that were happening has something to do with me?

Back to the dream, when it was my son's turn, there was an obvious - very real - mess up. He was trying to give a performance that involved some sort of a speech and he had this apparatus all over him.  I could clearly see his face and yet, something was on him or he was wearing something that just would NOT allow him to speak properly. It seems like a harness and yet, he didn't seem like he was limited by it.  It wasn't normal.  But then it felt like it was to be a part of his performance.  

 Yet, he was smiling.  I felt his heart...he was saying, "I  am trying but I can't do what you want me to do, it is not working,  I can't live up to your expectations".

Then I awoke.  Wow.   And as I said, it was so real,  so it was in my head while I got ready for church.

Until Worship when this song hit - and it came.  I believe God's answer to my prayer and questions in the shower.  

This past week, some news hit me hard.  And I mourned for someone's expectations. And yet, I realized that I had unmet expectations as well.    And I thought -- what can I do? 

 I prayed and I called upon God to help me discern or figure things out and He gently reminded me that I may not...figure it out. 

This morning, as I sang and prayed, I  saw so many moms and woman with unmet expectations while this song played.  

I thought of my own son and how his choices in the past six months have brought me to my knees in prayer and in  praise!   However, I was reminded with the dream --He has his own faith and He has his own path.  And, I can expect the Lord to answer my prayers, but that he, my son, is his own man and person - seeking the Lord.  

I am indeed grateful -- but I don't pretend to believe that everything will be easy and perfect from this point forward.  I realize it 'rains on the just and the unjust'; I don't want to speak any ill will upon my son - but I also don't believe that he will escape the enemy and his trappings.  The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy -- he is not going to leave 'our sons' alone.  

I thought of my own son in love and how his choices in the past  have brought me to my knees in  prayer and praise as he is seeking Jesus and His guidance with my daughter. What a man of God and God is continuing to prune him and build him.   

I am most grateful -- so, "He made me a promise..."  brings tears as I rejoice and praise God!   

And then....   

But my heart broke for a few other moms....  

I saw a mom, who recently listened to her son tell her that he "no longer loved his wife and felt God was telling him to move on".  

I saw a mom, knowing her son was committing adultery and she couldn't slap him or stop him, she had to pray it out and believe that God was controlling the situation. 

I saw a mom, knowing her son was leaving his young daughter and wife and she couldn't convince him to fight for his marriage. 

I saw a mom, getting ready for her son's third birthday and his dad was again no where to help and be the leader of the home.  She was doing this alone again. 

I saw a mom, grieving for the loss of her son so young and such a senseless death. 

I saw a mom, kneeling at the foot of a son's bed, wondering why she didn't check on him just an hour earlier -- that maybe she would of caught him struggling to breathe and he would have been saved.  

I saw a mom, kneeling at the crash site of her son -- seeking the face of Jesus and answers as to why.  

I saw a mom, entering a law enforcement area with trembling fingers just wanting to hold her son and not knowing his state of mind, but not being allowed to even hug him. 

I saw a mom, watching the plane land with the coffin of her son's body being returned to her --wondering  how and why her son was called home so quickly - only 21 years of age. 

I saw a spiritual  mom,  she has been mom to nephew after nephew and friend upon friend and yet, she longs for a baby that doesn't seem to come.  

I saw a mom, unable to protect her son from the barrage of voices and torment within his own head. 

I saw a mom, unable to hold her baby son because of choices she allowed within her life.  

I saw a mom, who eats healthy, prays, and takes hormones to help the process to become pregnant just once more and give a sibling to her other son. 

I saw a mom, trying to wrestle with the facts that her son has made some choices that has altered his life and the life of his daughter for the rest of their lives. 

I saw a mom, trying to help a son caught up in addiction be tough and stern about getting the help he needs. 

I saw a mom, sitting by the edge of her son's bed - he hasn't eaten in five days and will meet Jesus very soon - but she has knelt there at his bed, literally for months wondering if tomorrow will come, and when  her son will take his final breath. 

I saw a mom, on her knees praying for her sons as one is about to graduate from medical school and another will be released from prison for the second time.  

I saw mom, picking her grandson up from the train station, he has come to live with her because his dad is in prison and his mom has passed and now she will raise him. 

I saw a mom, making travel plans with her son while he calls from  a prison phone to make sure his son was getting a birthday party. 

And I saw a mom, holding the baby of her son and wondering just how she is going to live tomorrow .....   

And I saw a mom -- just staring ahead ....

I saw a mom ...hurting.....

I saw a mom...praying...

I saw a mom... holding that little one with such hope  -- 

what happened ...expectations were not met ......   

After allowing the grief from just typing these circumstances -- I MUST go to God's Word and I read the story of Easter once again.  Truly -- God knows the suffering of these moms.  

Truly , God made them a promise -- I am SO sure when they rocked their little men...they NEVER felt their lives would be  this way.  As it WAS not suppose to be this way and yet - here we are.    

And I bet, it is hard to sing and praise the Lord at some times when their sons are gone and/or hurting or there is a NEW normal -- 

and yet....that is the ONLY thing I do know to do -- to be able to face tomorrow.  As these women are all a part of the body.  

They are our neighbors.  They are our friends.  They are our work colleagues  and they are the ones whom we need to extend grace to and love.  

So the song continues ...   "I KNOW a breakthrough is coming, by faith, I see a miracle, my God made me a promise and it won't stop now".  

                                  -- Miracles happen. 

I must remind myself:  

Some how and with some way -- GOD will win and bring beauty from these ashes and God -- will redeem.

Eternally -- this life here is but a moment -- what we do here - determines our eternity.

So -- with that vision   -I will end with prayer.  

Lord, for my son -- God, YOU move mountains and YOU formed him well within my womb.... YOU have great plans for HIM.  YOU will protect him and YOU will allow what needs to happen so that, He comes to You for salvation and for life. 

 Lord, as a mother, Help me to love them and protect them but not kill them with control or manipulation....but help me.  Help me to intercede for my son (s), help me to show grace and mercy and help me to speak life - even in the darkest places. 

Lord, for the other moms that have my heart heavy today --  Lord, whether he is 5, 10, or 23...God he is YOURS.  May each of these moms truly feel Your presence and place their sons at Your feet.  Lord, that beauty would indeed come out of the ashes and that in all of the hurt -- there can be joy.  

 Thank you for the gift of my son.   Thank you for the gift of their sons and thank you for the ability to pray for them.  

IN Jesus Name.   Amen.   

May the only expectations I have -- is that He will serve the Lord!  

Thursday, April 25, 2019

No more FEAR ....but PEACE

My blogging for a LONG time was therapy.  It was also my way to express myself and at times, it was my way to VENT and share. 

 I mostly  blog prayers and here and there - I would blog silly stuff. 

 However, if you follow my blogs, then you have noticed that  it  was well into 2018,  when the blogs began to get fewer and fewer.  

I allowed the enemy to tell me, "you have nothing more to say"  and I allowed my own insecurities to think that I wasn't worthy of writing and speaking on behalf of my Lord -- but, as I continued to pray and walk with Jesus through this time - SO many things transpired and SO many changes occurred.  

And my last blog in February - expressed fear again. I was open and transparent as THAT was where my head was.  

But something changed... something around early March and all of a sudden -- PEACE flowed in.  

After some counsel, much prayer, and thinking -- the Lord really showed me that I would blog again, but that my time was needed elsewhere - and He has blessed me in this other situation that there just has been NO time to blog. 

Yes, the grand-girls take time... and yes... my hubby and I are certainly enjoying the empty nest, but also -- there is a new sense of purpose and covering.   So, tonight - I WANTED to blog.  

My husband and I don't take our miracle lightly.  We know - that our marriage was spared, but we also fought for it.  He will credit me -- my prayer life and my resolve to wait stuff out.  I credit him -- to accept the counsel of some godly mentors that told him to faith it allow God to change his heart.  And it TOOK time... but  what we have NOW...I would not TRADE for the world.  

So, with that -- a dear sweet young mother is in pain this eve.  She reached out and she admitted - he has moved out -- he has taken his ring off and he wants out.  

She doesn't have a reason -- but rejection is hard.  It hurts.  

So this eve -- I am just posting this very AWESOME prayer found in Ephesians!  

It is a prayer that a mother could read and pray over her son that has decided he doesn't want to be in his marriage.  

It is a prayer that a dad could say out loud and pray over his daughter that is going through hell right now, cause her husband was exposed and she now knows that he is wanting to move on with another woman. 

Or it could be for a mother, whose son is in dire need of a miracle -- because of choices he made and she wonders WHY....   

So I share it this eve and I pray that if you came upon this blog for a reason -- I pray and hope it is something that was worth while to read...   

15      For this reason, because I have heard of  their  faith in the Lord Jesus and your love[f] toward all the saints, 16 do not cease to give thanks for you, ________remembering him ( her )  in my prayers, 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give him ( her )  the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 18 having the eyes of his ( her)  hearts enlightened, that he ( she )  may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might 20 that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.  Lord, may ______________ truly understand this and seek this precious inheritance. Lord, Help me to believe that indeed, my precious husband ( daughter ) ( son) ( friend ) will indeed want this HOPE and in the meantime, help me to believe in this truth as well.  In Jesus Name..... Amen. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Being fearful, so I pray!

It's the 2nd month of the year.  What has had you fearful lately?   

I am blessed to visit and chat with a group of women each Monday and we are picking apart a recent best seller. 

  And we share God's Word too. 

 And we pray.

And I get to see the Holy Spirit move within their hearts as one will speak to and minister to another and it blesses the Kingdom so!  

And we laugh and share.  

 Often times, when we read of other's stories and how they moved forward - we can see hope on the horizon for our own problems and situations. Lysa Terkerset's book is sort of like that for many of us.  

This last chapter or one of the chapters we have recently discussed was about fear. 

 I admitted some fears. 

 I haven't been writing that much.  My journaling, my writing, has been  very limited and I feel like I am 'not worth my writing'...  

After a sabbatical and some R and R, I asked God about this.  

Tonight He brought me back to a prayer that Beth Moore wrote for herself and placed it on her blog back in December of 2009. That prayer SPOKE volumes to me and it felt like I could of written it. 

 Tonight, I rewrote it to fit my heart.  

I am admitting that I am fearful  -- it seems my time of blogging isn't God's will for me  --right now.  Or maybe it is.  He has been VERY quiet.  God that is..... 

Quiet and yet, very loud.  So, with that  - I humbly share my prayer.  

And I will ask you -- what has you fearful?   I would prayerfully ask you to be vulnerable before God and maybe write it out this evening as well.  God already knows your heart and what is in that head.  

My Dearest Abba Father Papa, 

I’ve lived long enough to know that any 12-month period of time on Planet Earth winds a pathway through thicket and thorns. It’s just too long a period of time not to get hurt or offended.   I am feeling those offences more and seeing them play out on social media.  It hurts.  And yet, I feel or believe it is still a medium in which to share and show love and receive truth.  

I have allowed the enemy to tell me "its all you - its you they don't want to hear from". 

I also know that You have tucked many more  joys in the oncoming year and I don’t want to miss them because I can’t quit obsessing about what I need to be doing or what I think I should be doing.  

 You’ve gone to measurable lengths in the last year to show me how the enemy of my soul operates in one specific area -- my thoughts.    You have used my husband to show and remind me of WHAT YOU do say about me.  And each time when  the enemy wants to call me out  - YOU are there, reminding me of Your grace and mercy and love.  

 As this year is now in its 2nd month -  I am so thankful that I have Your Spirit without limit in my life and that, with You, change in a long pattern really is possible. 

You’ve done it before in my life. 

Come do it again. I am asking You in particular, Abba Father, to run to my aid in that first moment when an opportunity for offense happens and urge me by Your Holy Spirit to head into a thought-loop that spirals upward rather than downward.

 Simply put, help me to get over things fast.  Help me to know when to speak, when to be still, and when to shout.  I want to make sure I am being bolder and standing on Your Word.  

I am thinking that many of us 'christ like' people have become TOO passive and I believe we must STAND more and poke that bear -- but in love.  

 Honestly, Lord, sometimes I just make life harder than it has to be. Some things that wound me aren’t even about me. Help me to see where I’m jumping into somebody else’s loop and to quit getting hung by my own. 

I choose joy in resting this petition at Your feet, Lord, and I refuse self-condemnation or fruitless regret. 

You never would have brought this to the forefront and called for it in prayer if You didn’t have something good in mind. You began this work. Now come and take it to the next level. I’m excited about it, Lord, and see a glimpse of liberty on the horizon.

I want to write again --- I want to blog, please put this block behind me.  

Thank You, Father.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

It is 2019 and I am a bit scared.

Scared - yes.  As I am admitting that this blog is not 'prepared' nor will it be, in my opinion, polished. 

It's almost  been two months since I last blogged. 

I sort of feel like an old Catholic school kid going to Confession.  

"Father, I was last here - two months ago".  

 Back in November I was finishing up a series of prayers. 

 My Christmas letter really doesn't count - in my head, as that was just my letter for the holiday, but true blogging ....journaling  hasn't happened in a good while.  

I have missed it and have been rebelling against it as well.  

I just haven't felt the need, I haven't wanted to find the  the time, nor have I had  the want to.  

And as I type that -- I am admitting-- being transparent--- that I don't like that - I am a bit scared.   To Admit.....
Somehow, someway -- a FB post and some rebuttal back in October made me gun shy.  

I stopped believing my voice was a voice to be heard and I allowed the enemy to have me check my 'readership'.  That is where I look at the stats and compare readership from a year ago to the present.  It went down.

  My blogs were not being shared or read like they had been in the past and I allowed the enemy to say, "its time to quit"...."you have nothing much left to say".  

Bottom line - I felt people looked at any post and said, "oh here she goes again". 

Being real - 

Last night, a new group of beautiful ladies graced my home.  We began a book study.  As I prayed over the past month and made a list of whom to invite and then asked God to confirm, I wondered. 

  And last night, through tears and sweet grace as I listened to each one speak -- I knew-- HE had knit us all together.    There were a few absent, but I got my confirmation about this new group and in the middle of our time, I heard God speak to me through another   about blogging.  

I heard another say, " I am a writer". 

 And in my head, I also said, " I am a writer.".  

And as wisdom was shared among those ladies, I knew - as scared as I was to blog...I was more scared to NOT to blog.   God did give me a talent and a voice and I am to use it.  

Did that make sense?  

I am in a new and different season.  Daily bread or water from His well is relished and needed even more.  I see Him move around me and through much of my life, but I guess I just also needed a little push and reminder that my words are important too.  

I know this, God will cover what He has called me to do. 

 And so Enemy, whether one reads this or thousands - I can't listen to you.  

God wants my confidence to be in Him.  And it is... as over and over, these blogs are Holy Spirit Written and His revealed knowledge to me. 

 Yet tonight, when I felt I was a rambling - I pushed through and prayed with the  confidence that He would  cover it! 

I was asked in October - am I willing to be different?   

I was bold then and said, "of course" and yet, as the holidays came and went - I found myself thinking and saying over and over--I just want to be accepted, loved, and affirmed.   And Lord, being different is lonely.  

Weak moments.  

However, by God's Grace and Mercy - He reminds me that I am not perfect, but made perfect in my weakness by HIM....Jesus.  

I am believing that God uses this blog and my words to remind many - that God is winning and I must totally rely on Him with this blog - ALL. THE. TIME.  No more being a bit scared... 

 In Going back to that fateful day when there was a Facebook debate and rebuttal that shook  my confidence in writing and posting and thinking, I found this statement written in my journal from the Joyce Meyers Conference.  

"you will never find out if you are right, if you are not willing to be wrong".  

"If you really know your identity in Christ - you will go far - bear much - and really live."  

I know that I am wrong - more times than I care to admit to - and maybe I was right on  with whatever topic I was trying to express, but in reality -- who really cares?  

Guess What?  

God did.    God does.  He cares that I was a bit scared.  He wasn't surprised. 

He was proud of me - standing on His Word.  
He , along with the great cloud of witnesses, go before me.  

He knew  I was going to blog this eve.  
He knew I would be obedient - as it would of been easier to crawl into bed and just put this off, ONE MORE NIGHT.   

But - I was obedient.  

Maybe another this eve  is a bit scared as well - 

-maybe because they compare their lives to Social Media and feel like a failure 
-maybe because their glasses were eaten up by their dog today and they have           no extra funds to get them repaired
- maybe because her son is turning  18 today and she felt her life was SO going to be in a different place and it is not
-maybe she just lost her husband of over 20 years to Jesus and she is now really struggling with the grief and his memories and what to do tomorrow
- or maybe she is just really scared that she totally messed up a relationship and it doesn't see that it can be repaired --

You know what -- God does.  He knows.  

Lord, for the one or thousands reading this tonight - may we all trample that enemy and remind him that he has NO authority within our thoughts or actions.  Lord, help us to be a voice for you - help me to be obedient and please continue using me to speak truth.    Lord, for this blog - may it be a blessing, not a waste of time for the one reading.  And I thank you and praise you for Your Word - where ALL truth can stand  - IN Jesus name, Amen.