It's almost been two months since I last blogged.
I sort of feel like an old Catholic school kid going to Confession.
"Father, I was last here - two months ago".
Back in November I was finishing up a series of prayers.
My Christmas letter really doesn't count - in my head, as that was just my letter for the holiday, but true blogging ....journaling hasn't happened in a good while.
I have missed it and have been rebelling against it as well.
I just haven't felt the need, I haven't wanted to find the the time, nor have I had the want to.
And as I type that -- I am admitting-- being transparent--- that I don't like that - I am a bit scared. To Admit.....
Somehow, someway -- a FB post and some rebuttal back in October made me gun shy.
I stopped believing my voice was a voice to be heard and I allowed the enemy to have me check my 'readership'. That is where I look at the stats and compare readership from a year ago to the present. It went down.
My blogs were not being shared or read like they had been in the past and I allowed the enemy to say, "its time to quit"...."you have nothing much left to say".
Bottom line - I felt people looked at any post and said, "oh here she goes again".
Being real -
Last night, a new group of beautiful ladies graced my home. We began a book study. As I prayed over the past month and made a list of whom to invite and then asked God to confirm, I wondered.
And last night, through tears and sweet grace as I listened to each one speak -- I knew-- HE had knit us all together. There were a few absent, but I got my confirmation about this new group and in the middle of our time, I heard God speak to me through another about blogging.
I heard another say, " I am a writer".
And in my head, I also said, " I am a writer.".
And as wisdom was shared among those ladies, I knew - as scared as I was to blog...I was more scared to NOT to blog. God did give me a talent and a voice and I am to use it.
Did that make sense?
I am in a new and different season. Daily bread or water from His well is relished and needed even more. I see Him move around me and through much of my life, but I guess I just also needed a little push and reminder that my words are important too.
I know this, God will cover what He has called me to do.
And so Enemy, whether one reads this or thousands - I can't listen to you.
God wants my confidence to be in Him. And it is... as over and over, these blogs are Holy Spirit Written and His revealed knowledge to me.
Yet tonight, when I felt I was a rambling - I pushed through and prayed with the confidence that He would cover it!
I was asked in October - am I willing to be different?
I was bold then and said, "of course" and yet, as the holidays came and went - I found myself thinking and saying over and over--I just want to be accepted, loved, and affirmed. And Lord, being different is lonely.
However, by God's Grace and Mercy - He reminds me that I am not perfect, but made perfect in my weakness by HIM....Jesus.
I am believing that God uses this blog and my words to remind many - that God is winning and I must totally rely on Him with this blog - ALL. THE. TIME. No more being a bit scared...
In Going back to that fateful day when there was a Facebook debate and rebuttal that shook my confidence in writing and posting and thinking, I found this statement written in my journal from the Joyce Meyers Conference.
"you will never find out if you are right, if you are not willing to be wrong".
"If you really know your identity in Christ - you will go far - bear much - and really live."
God did. God does. He cares that I was a bit scared. He wasn't surprised.
He was proud of me - standing on His Word.
He , along with the great cloud of witnesses, go before me.
He knew I was going to blog this eve.
He knew I would be obedient - as it would of been easier to crawl into bed and just put this off, ONE MORE NIGHT.
But - I was obedient.
Maybe another this eve is a bit scared as well -
-maybe because they compare their lives to Social Media and feel like a failure
-maybe because their glasses were eaten up by their dog today and they have no extra funds to get them repaired
- maybe because her son is turning 18 today and she felt her life was SO going to be in a different place and it is not
-maybe she just lost her husband of over 20 years to Jesus and she is now really struggling with the grief and his memories and what to do tomorrow
- or maybe she is just really scared that she totally messed up a relationship and it doesn't see that it can be repaired --
You know what -- God does. He knows.
Lord, for the one or thousands reading this tonight - may we all trample that enemy and remind him that he has NO authority within our thoughts or actions. Lord, help us to be a voice for you - help me to be obedient and please continue using me to speak truth. Lord, for this blog - may it be a blessing, not a waste of time for the one reading. And I thank you and praise you for Your Word - where ALL truth can stand - IN Jesus name, Amen.