I have been enjoying my extra time with Ava and SJ! What a BIG blessing it is to have grand girl time!
Oh, I have NO problem sharing about them or what new thing they did this past weekend. (BTW...SJ squealed at herself in the mirror today. I am thinking she is getting the understanding that she is a 'human'. ) I am having a bit of a problem with blogging.
I believe I am in a SORT OF new season and therefore, I am just trying to make sure I am adamant about listening and hearing from God - and then whether to write it out for public consumption or not.
One day I will feel like I am RIGHT where I am suppose to be and the next.... I feel like maybe I am in a temporary wilderness.
Then I seek God and thank Him for the wilderness and say to myself...."what are you talking about?"
I admit. I have been waiting for a BIG confirmation or something from someone or perhaps an email that stated.."Michelle, where is the FRESH material?". That hadn't or hasn't happened ...yet.
Forgive me, my grammar and knowledge of present perfect verb tenses is pretty messed up today. I watched 5th graders take an assessment and will watch them take an assessment tomorrow and quite frankly I am pretty tired of trying to explain the difference between has, had, will have, did have, didn't and so forth -- I just want it to BE gone!! ( Testing that is!)
I have had some 'other confirmations and ideas' and yet, I am hesitant -- still -- probably will pray a bit more or 'hide' from them a bit more until I am like Gideon and ask for that 2nd and 3rd confirmation. But then again ... that is not being obedient. So again I say to myself, "what are you talking about?"
Romans 8:29 NIV
29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
I read something today and felt the urge to share: I guess that is maybe why I can't sleep this eve. It is already way past my bedtime and tomorrow is school and yet---
I read this, earlier today: Our destiny is to look like Jesus on the inside and to behave like Jesus on the outside. Many of us are spiritual powerhouses, can pray the house down, sing the roof off, hang off the chandeliers when we praise the Lord, and can administrate duties with a spirit of excellence.
We appear like strong mighty lions, but who are we inwardly? Do we love just as loud? Forgive just as strong? Are we as obedient to God as our prayers are powerful? These are things of the heart that matter the most to God.
This stopped me.
Am I behaving like Jesus on the outside?
I am pretty sure there are a few that feel or think I am a spiritual powerhouse and yet -- why have a few prayers and situations gotten me a bit 'frozen'? I can't sing the roof off -- well, I can sing and the roof may peel off --as I am off key -- so I will just praise! But inwardly -- lately.... I have not felt as a mighty LIONESS.
I think it is because I haven't been able to LOVE just as loud on the outside. I am trying. I am. I believe the Lord is taking me to a DEEPER level of what I think 'love' for my fellow sister in Christ really is. Does that make sense? Maybe a deeper understanding of loving the lost or the messy ones. Honestly, one moment I am thinking and feeling this way and then the next I tell myself, "get
OVER yourself - snap out of it - what are you talking about?"
It happened just this last Sunday at church. I could FEEL the love for one and not for the other. ( I am speaking about some people - some sisters in Christ -- Not necessarily in my church/building at that moment - but women.) I was so convicted. I went to the alter.
More of what I read today and want to share: The nuts and bolts of a woman of character is how she responds when it is time to let go, how she behaves when she doesn't get her way, how she acts when her gift and calling is ignored, and what she does when she experiences failure.
Ouch. Maybe that is why I was so convicted. One was 'easier' to control -- maybe that is why the one was 'easier' to love rather than the other? I have been letting go lately and that was not hard and yet...what next? And the idea or the line from what I read where it says "how she behaves when she does not get her way" ....oh - BIG ouch. I guess I am preaching to the choir or blogging to myself!
So -- I go back to the first scripture and remind myself -- I am created in HIS image and God knew me -- knows me -- and as I continue to keep Him first ....this new season will come into a realization or it will have purpose and I will start to feel like it makes sense.
Or that is what I am praying.
It is strange.
It is a season of 'rest' and new things.
I guess the bottom line is that I DO NOT know exactly what to say or what to blog or what to do 'next'....
There -- I admitted it.
WOW. I have been sitting at this computer and in prayer about this blog for literally the past 4-5 hours and bingo -- relief. And that is OK!
On Saturday, a my 'new/old' friend reminded me of this scripture --
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me - Psm. 51.10
So, yes Lord -- I want to be beautifully adored inwardly and outwardly as well. Deck me out to resemble and be like Your Son -- have Your way with me. I am a bit timid right now. I may not be a fish out of water, but this new season is different and I am walking slowly. Break me down again -- and build me up into that woman of character that does love as much outwardly as inwardly. There has been laziness and procrastination and NO more... resentment had crept in a bit and NO more... I haven not made a person an idol in quite some time but I don't want this 'season' to become an idol either! Lord, I tell ALL fear to go away and timidity goodbye. I want to be the woman I know in my heart that I was created to be. Lead me - guide me. I have been chosen for a great work and in this season that may just be ..being MIMI...then THAT is OK too! And Lord, give me guidance with this blog. You know my heart and why it is important and yet....I think You are lessoning that 'importance' even as I pray. I trust You Lord -- completely. Again, if ONLY one reads it - me, it is for Your glory. IJN - Amen.