Ok, the topic can't be avoided. Today, a sweet dear friend asked me a question that prompted some research this evening and reading.
I was searching WHAT makes a good marriage. I found LOTS of good articles and advice and I posted them and shared them on my FB page. I posted them publicly so you can share them if needed. But there was an element of a good marriage that I could not avoid. I found it often in reading about good marriages.
Sex. Sex is a part of marriage. There are many great sites to read - I highly suggest you stick with Focus on the Family or Crosswalk.com when finding good articles and information about topics. There are articles reminding you to be very careful -- especially about all the 'extras' when it comes to sex, oral sex, and pornography. And then there are even articles giving you freedom in these areas. Some of the articles I really had to discern -- is this really about God and glorifying another?? Or is it justifying something. Again...such a hard topic. I am sorry if you are blushing or laughing out loud -- but it is a topic that needs to be addressed.
But I also found the following article. It is long. But you can read about God's purpose for marriage - which is different from His purpose for sex. They are connected, but don't you often put or think the reason for getting married is that "you can now have all the SEX you want and you are not sinning?".
If not? Ok. But that is what we thought as young and married. Finally, we were honoring God and not 'sinning'. And well, I have to admit ...the sex gets better with commitment and age, but the intimacy is what really changes. That is what I found really good within this following article.
So, often a marriage is strained because the wife won't give the husband the sex he craves and wants. And again....why would she want to be intimate with him if he is abusive and hurtful. This could easily being switched around where the man is withholding.
With our marriage therapist when we were going through our crisis - that is one of the very first questions she asked. Are you having sex and how often? The question is a barometer for a marriage. It just is.
I don't want to dwell on the subject so the prayer will be simple and short. However, it is a real obstacle or a real problem that can become a bigger problem if a couple does not deal with it. I truly felt this article could also help parents of teens -- as we as parents, need to teach our children about God's purpose and plan for sex and marriage. If we don't share with them God's Truth -- the World will.
Ok - Prayer time.
Lord, God...Father..Papa... help. Today's subject may totally turn off the reader and they never return. Today's topic may totally HIT a nerve and it may also be a reality check. Perhaps someone reading this felt their marriage was/is pretty good until they read about the part that sex is a barometer for a marriage. I am unsure -- but I am sure that as You have directed me this eve and as You have reminded me that our marriages glorify you -- I would pray that our sex lives glorify you as well. There -- ya...I said that -- just being real Lord. I pray for those marriages that are in HARD places right now -- I pray that if sex is a part of the problem -- they will SEEK help. Maybe even professional help. If there are problems with one partner NOT wanting it ..I pray the other will pray and seek as to why and then be the one who can love better and help the other get past whatever!! And Lord, for those adult kids...that seem to think that 'us old parents' are prudes and whatever ...goodness Lord, I pray that their eyes would be opened ....as sex was designed for you and its most pleasurable when in union between a man and a woman in marriage. And I pray for those ones reading this that have been hurt so badly because of sexual sins - these hurt so badly - may they seek You Lord for help and healing. IN Jesus name...Amen.
Ok, here is that article. You can click the link below or read the article below.
What God says about Sex.
Sue Bohlin provides us a succinct Christian perspective on human sexuality. She points out that God created sex and has a purpose for it defined within the context of marriage. When we lose sight of God’s perspective, sex can degrade into a pastime for pleasure that will ultimately hurt us physically, emotionally and spiritually.
The Pickle Principle
It’s not surprising that in a time of growing biblical illiteracy, so few people have any idea what God thinks and says about the extremely important subject of sex. The world holds the Christian view of sex in contempt, considering it prudish, naïve and repressive. But the Bible elevates sexuality as God’s gift to us that is both sacred and mysterious. The world’s perspective degrades it to just something that feels good—another form of recreation or socialization.
Counselor
Waylon Ward offers an insightful way to understand the problem, which he calls “the Pickle Principle.” In order to make pickles, we put cucumbers in a brine solution of vinegar, spices, and water. After a cucumber soaks in the brine long enough, it is changed into a pickle. Most of us are like pickles. We sit in the brine of a sex-saturated culture, absorbing its values and beliefs, and it changes the way we think. Even most Christians are pickled today, believing and acting exactly like everyone else who has been sitting in the brine of a culture hostile to God and His Word.
The world’s sex-saturated brine includes the belief that sex is the ultimate pleasure. The message of much TV, movies, and music is that there is no greater pleasure available, and that it is the right of every individual, even teenagers, to have this pleasure.
{1} Another aspect of this pickling process is the belief that no one has the right to deprive anyone else of this greatest of all human pleasures, that no one has the right to tell anyone else what is right or wrong about the expression of his or her sexuality.
{2}
If the purpose and goal of sex is primarily pleasure, then other people are just objects to be used for sensual gratification. Since people are infinitely valuable because God made us in His image, that is a slap in the face whether we realize it or not. The Christian perspective is that the purpose of sex is relational, with pleasure as the by-product. The Bible teaches that sex welds two souls together.
{3} It is so powerful that it is only safe within a committed, covenant marriage relationship. It’s like the difference between the wild energy of lightning compared to the harnessed power of electricity. God knew what He was doing when He limited sex to within marriage!
God wants to get His “pickled people” out of the world’s brine and into an intimate relationship with Him. He wants to change our thinking and beliefs to be in alignment with His.
Sex is God’s Invention! The Purpose of Sex
Sex is God’s idea. He made it not only efficient for making babies, but pleasurable and deeply satisfying. He designed men’s and women’s body parts to complement each other. He created hormones to make everything work right and make us want to be sexual. Unlike animals, whose mating behavior is purely instinctive for the purpose of reproducing, human sexuality has several wonderful purposes. God means for all of them to be contained within marriage.
In a lifelong covenant of faithfulness between husband and wife, we can express and enjoy God’s two major purposes to sex: fruitfulness and intimacy. His first command to Adam and Eve was to “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28); one very foundational purpose of sex is to create new living beings. Fruitfulness is not limited to having children, though. A mutually loving and serving sexual relationship between husband and wife can produce emotional and personal fruitfulness as well. Both people are nurtured to grow, develop, and soar, becoming more of what God means them to be.
The other big purpose for sex, emotional and physical intimacy, is only possible within marriage. In his little gem of a book called
What God Says About Sex,
{4} Eric Elder says that intimacy really means “into-me-see.” It is only safe to reveal the fullness of who we are, “warts and all,” to someone who loves us and has committed to be faithful and supportive “till death do us part.” The fullest experience and freedom of sex is found within the marriage bed, which God says to keep holy or set apart.
{5} God says that we are to use self-control to keep all expressions of sexuality limited to marriage.
{6}
Sex also builds oneness, a mystical union of two lives and souls into one life together. The one-flesh union of sex is a picture of the way two souls are joined together into a shared life. In fact, we could say that sex is like solder that is used to fuse two pieces of metal together. Once they are joined, it is a strong bond that helps keep marriages and families intact, which is God’s intention for our lives. Another purpose of sex is the pleasure that comes from being safe in another’s love. The entire book of Song of Solomon is gorgeous poetry that glorifies married sexual relations.
God also says that an important purpose of sex is to serve as an earthbound illustration of the mystical but real unity of Christ and the church, where two very different, very
other beings are joined together as one. This spiritual component to sex is what helps us see more clearly why any and all sex outside of marriage falls far short of God’s intention for it to be holy and sacred—and protected.
So . . . What Does God Actually Say?
A lot of people believe the Bible says, “Sex is fun and it feels good, so don’t do it.” Nothing could be farther from the truth! Sex was God’s great idea in the first place! But God’s view of sex as a sacred and private gift to married couples, as well as a gift each spouse gives to the other, is at great odds with the world’s perspective of sex as simply a pleasure no one should deny him- or herself.
The overarching statement God makes is that sex is to be completely contained within marriage.
{7} As I said above, sex is so powerful that it’s like the difference between the wild, uncontrollable power of lightning compared to the safety of harnessed electricity in our buildings. God wants us to harness the power of sex within marriage. This means that all other expressions of sexuality are off-limits, not because God is a cosmic killjoy, but because He loves us and knows what’s best for us, namely, not playing with lightning! So God says not to engage in sex with anyone before marriage, with anyone else once we are married, with anyone of the same sex; or with prostitutes, or with family members, or with animals.
God says that sexual purity is a treasure to be guarded and valued. It is a reflection of God’s own character, which is what makes it so valuable. In our culture, many people have been deceived into thinking that their virginity is worthless, something to get rid of. But God says it is special,
{8} a gift that can we can only bestow on one person, one time. God calls us to purity after marriage as well by remaining faithful to our spouse. Purity before and during marriage prevents “ghosts” in the marriage bed; comparisons are nowhere as deadly as in the intensely intimate realm of sex. We glorify God in our sexuality by using self-control to stay pure if single, and by loving our spouse sexually if married.
The good news is that purity can be restored if we confess our sin and put our trust in Jesus to forgive us and give us a new, holy quality of life. The Bible promises, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
{9} God stands ready to forgive and cleanse us, and restore our purity the moment we ask.
God says that sex is to be reserved for adults only. Three times in the Song of Solomon, a beautiful book extolling the glory of married sex, it says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires,” which means “until the time is right.”
{10} As I minister to sexually broken people,
{11} most of them bear the still-painful scars of childhood sexual abuse from people who never should have opened a door to sexual experience. Their entire view of sex has been warped and skewed. God never meant for children to be introduced to sex. It’s for adults.
Married adults.
God wants us to actively fight sexual temptation. The battle is harder than it’s ever been because of our sex-saturated culture. He says to flee immorality.
{12} In fact, God says to offer not even a
hint of sexual immorality.
{13} That means that it is a violation of His intentions to engage in phone sex with strangers, or virtual sex in chat rooms and porn sites. The fact that you’re not physically touching another person’s body doesn’t mean it’s not sin, because Jesus said that sexual sin happens in the mind first.
{14}
Eric Elder suggests asking a powerful question to help clarify the battle against sexual temptation: will this lead to greater intimacy and fruitfulness with the husband or wife God has created for me?
{15} This filter is helpful for both married people and singles. If an action doesn’t build intimacy or fruitfulness, it probably destroys them. Another question to ask is, Can I glorify God in what my flesh wants to do? Can I invite Jesus into what I’m about to do? If the answer is no, God invites us to meet the struggle with
His supernatural energy instead of our own puny human strength.
{16}
Outside of the safety of marriage, sex is wounding and hurtful, but God created it for our pleasure and delight. In the Song of Solomon, God enthusiastically invites the newlyweds to enjoy His good gift of sex, where He says, “Eat, friends, and drink, o lovers!”
{17} In fact, God wants married couples to bless each other by enjoying sex often and regularly.
{18}
Are you surprised by what God says about sex?
Why Sexual Sin Hurts So Much
Pastors and counselors will tell you that there is a greater intensity of shame and pain in the people they counsel when the issues involve sexual sin.
{19} Paul says that all other sins are outside our bodies,
{20} but sexual sin touches you deep in your heart and soul.
As mentioned above, it may be helpful to think of sex like solder. God created it to make a strong, powerful bond that creates healthy, stable families into which children are welcomed. But when people fuse their souls through sexual sin without the safety and commitment of marriage, it causes tremendous pain when the relationship rips apart. (Have you ever seen a broken weld? It’s pretty ugly.) When sex is disconnected from love and commitment, it also disconnects the body from the soul. This inflicts deep wounds of shame and guilt on a heart that has been used for gratification instead of love.
Waylon Ward says that sex sins expose and exploit our deepest emotional and spiritual vulnerabilities. He writes, “In the counseling office, individuals rarely if ever weep scalding tears about any other sense of loss like they do for a sexual relationship when it ends. There are soul ties that bind two partners together in unseen ways and there is a sense that part of you has been stolen. There is a hole in your soul where the connection was ripped from you.”
{21}
The pickling brine of our culture’s increased sensuality says, “If it feels good, do it. You’re entitled.” But while this belief about sex may
feel good, it is most definitely not good for us. Note the runaway epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases, and the resulting increase in infertility. Note the number of broken hearts and broken families. Note the alarming amount of sexual abuse. Note the soaring rates of depression, especially in teens, much of which is related to sexual activity outside of marriage.
God invented sex for His glory and our benefit. His basic rule—keep sex inside marriage—isn’t meant to be a killjoy, but to protect our hearts and bodies and relationships and families. He knows what He’s doing, and we do well to follow.
Notes
1. Waylon Ward,
Sex Matters: Men Winning the Battle (McKinney, Texas: Allison O’Neil Publishing Company, 2004), 7. This book can be ordered through Waylon’s Web site,
www.mercymatters.com.
2. Ibid., 8.
3. Gen. 2:24;1 Cor. 6:15-16.
4. Eric Elder,
What God Says About Sex (Inspiringbooks.com, an imprint of Eric Elder, 2006). Contact www.WhatGodSays.com for more information.
5. Hebrews 13:4.
6. 1 Corinthians 6:18.
7. There are 44 prohibitions of
porneia (sexual expression outside of marriage, usually translated “sexual immorality”), just within the New Testament alone. This is where God draws the line between sex within marriage and sex outside of marriage, which determines what is sin and what is not.
8. SoS 4:12.
9. 1 John 1:9.
10. SoS 2:7, 3:5, 8:4.
11. I have the privilege of serving with Living Hope Ministries (
www.livehope.org), a support group for those dealing with unwanted same-sex attractions, and the families of those who struggle. (Or who don’t struggle because they are just fully immersed in a gay identity.) I mainly minister to women, for whom a history of sexual abuse is a common denominator.
12. 1 Cor. 6:18.
13. Ephesians 5:3.
14. Matthew 5:28.
15. Elder,
What God Says About Sex, 37.
16. Colossians 1:29, Ephesians 6:10.
17. SoS 5:1.
18. 1 Corinthians 7:5.
19. Ward,
Sex Matters, 16.
20. 1 Corinthians 6:18.
21. Ward,
Sex Matters, 17.
© 2007 Probe Ministries
If we confess our sins -- we are forgiven.
