Wednesday, June 26, 2013

..even if Hunter does not win today.....GOD WON!

 Good morning

I have to write....the Holy Spirit and I have been writing back and forth together in my head for the past three days and I kept asking God 'when' can I put this on paper and now is the time.  I was awaken today, by God - prayed a bit and read HIS word, but the words that I want to express back to my Lord are within this Psalm...Psalm 71.  

I will often put a status post  on Facebook that says "God wins".  For so long, in the crisis of faith that our family experienced,  I felt defeated.  I felt like God was not listening or that I had not done something correct, so therefore I was 'losing'.  So one day, I decided to remind myself that 'God wins'.  I would post on Facebook to remind myself that God DID have my heart and my family and that HIS love would triumph over everything....but goodness  TOOK a L - O - N - G time. 

 I needed daily and sometimes minute by minute reminders and I had to talk to myself to replace any negative thoughts or lies from the enemy.  So when I needed to remind myself, I posted THAT!    After awhile, I would post it cause it just made me smile, and then I would post it cause another friend or sister in Christ needed encouragement.  EAch time I would post that - many would like it and encourage me.  I have found now that it has sort of 'stuck' and people will comment to me.."like you say Michelle, God wins".    HE does.  HE did.  

In fact, I had a beautiful friend ask me one day, "why do you post that so often?", and I stopped posting it for a bit and really questioned myself.  Am I posting it to just read the 'likes'... or was I posting it for me or for HIM?  And, I know that Facebook can be an awful thing, but I use Facebook to communicate with my family and the dear ones I love. It is so much easier for me to read and write than to pick up that phone and speak to another.  Now, I realize that is not a good thing either - FACE to FACE communication is very important and I am working on that, but words come so much easier.  
( That is another blog topic.)  
  I read posts ( on Facebook )  and add people to my prayers...I get encouraged...and I also laugh and learn.  I believe  the Holy Spirit lives within me and I believe that when I post 'God wins' is because it is Spirit led  now ......not Michelle trying to get some  'likes'.  Therefore, I will continue to post God wins when the Holy Spirit leads.  

Many will  remind me - "I read the last chapter - HE wins!"  and I agree but during that time of crisis in our family- I needed to know that God wins -- RIGHT there and then! 
 I  need to add-- there are many around me that are in DEEP hurt and crisis and I know that I know God is working within their lives, their marriages, and their children;  but  the weight of the problem, the weight of the situation is hard to bear I will add, God wins...HANG in there!  

Anyway, I am  also very mindful of Provers 16. 18  - Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.   So, I want to make clear that by no means do I believe I should get ANY credit for this little phrase...God  gets the glory - that is ALL I ever wanted... ALL I want...period.  

So with that, I must now BOAST and brag on my God  - this is what the Holy Spirit and I have been conversing back and forth about for the past three days.   If you have read my past 2 blog posts, you understand or know that we are in Oklahoma and later today - Hunter and his Team Boca will compete in the Semi-Finals of the Southern Region III Soccer Championships. 

  And, God has also been showing me that I can claim 100% God healing with other stuff.  You see, four summers ago my family and I were in Louisiana at the same Southern Regionals but it was a different story.  The team, (South Florida Elite ) did very well but they lost in  the semi-final game.  The kids lost and we packed up and left and drove to Wisconsin.  Well, the kids and I drove to Wisconsin,  and Brendan flew back to Okeechobee.  It was a hard loss but a HARD  summer as well.  And THAT is what I have to brag about-- cause GOD wins. 
 God does 360's and totally turns 'stuff' around and blesses beyond what one could imagine.
  God does this.  God does this all the time....and HE wants to do it with ALL of HIS children who call HIM Lord! 
 I am humbled and so thankful.
  Let me tell you more....

This trip has.....

 Psalm 71

Dear Lord, In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.
In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.  God, you have saved me, I feel like you have been RIGHT here-- this entire trip to Oklahoma.   The drive here, the time in the hotel, sight seeing, and eating....Lord, from the car ride here to the wake up calls in my brain this am...YOU are such an amazing God.  You did rescue me  but you SO rescued my husband as well ...I am watching now and seeing WHAT a work you have done in our lives and within his life.  You are using WHAT I am seeing now -- in his actions --  as more teaching for me - it is amazing!

So Lord, I ask for this woman...and for that sister in Christ -- DO the same within their lives...Lord, may they RUN to YOU ...SEEK you and WAIT on you to MOVE the mountain!    

Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.
Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

Lord God, this particular verse -- "Be my rock" was a verse we memorized as a family.  It was taped to the refrigerator and it was taped on our bathroom mirror.  I would watch and listen to my husband recite it all the time. 

 God..... and then when I was single during that HARD summer,  and I would stop in  our bathroom,  and I looked at that index card taped to the mirror  and I would look at  that verse, I would ask YOU Lord, "what happened?". 

 How could a man who memorized that verse - walk away from his family?  Lord, I don't need to go into all that now - as I know you have given me the 'why' already... but I want to tell you Lord, that YOU have been my ROCK and EVERY time I did run to you - YOU saved me.  YOU did.   So I know that I know  - YOU will SAVE others too! 

For example, this trip - riding in the car ALL those times  to various soccer games where I was sick to my stomach, constantly praying about 'what' we could talk about.  Lord, the soccer games where I would pray about 'where' to sit as he always walked away from me and went by the dads. Or how he would tell me where to sit and remind me that he had to talk to the dads.  And then, it just became the 'normal' where there was NO communication.    Lord, how I was constantly watching him and wondering what was going on- constantly calling upon YOU Lord and asking You to show me what to do.  I knew something was wrong, but I seemed to be STUCK.  At times,  I couldn't even concentrate on the game   and once we were separated, I would sit and be sick as he spoke to others wondering what on earth he would be talking about and allowing the enemy to fill my head with lies. 

  Lord, the hardship of just being in a car with my husband who I knew...did not want to be there with me......  And now, this trip, how we planned to be together, and how we laughed about stupid stuff, how we spent hours singing praise and worship music,  how we spent time together in prayer, how we talked and just talked and then would turn on the radio and comment - "I like talking to you now"......and how at the sweetest moment - he would reach over and just grab my hand and I could hear him say, "I love you Lord"!   And, how sometimes we  would  be reminded  about the YUCK and yet, I was able to re-share what needed to be discussed and then allow the Holy Spirit to heal what needed to be kept quiet  and between YOU and he..the  GOOD  was placed over the yuck - praise God!  Healing. 

Healing for BOTH of us. 

God thank you for opening his eyes to what the enemy did and how he was lied to.  Oh God, what a miracle.  Oh Lord, thank you for opening BOTH of our eyes.  
For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.

Praising you is different now.  I mean, I would praise you often but always by myself -- secretly for awhile -- when he was not around.  And because the therapist said -- "leave him be - don't talk about God in front of him".    However,  for years I had to 'hide' what I wanted to say and how I wanted to worship.  I would have to close my door and go outside to SING as loud as I wanted or say what I needed to say.  But  yesterday, when the song from Sidewalk Prophet came one, "I want to live like that"...I could sing (not very well but ) with all of my might and shout the words and not feel intimidated or embarrassed or even shy about proclaiming how I feel about you Lord in front of my husband.  

THAT was such a freedom.

  Such an answer to prayer -- God, I don't think I even realized how I had wanted this for so many years.  I realize now, how the Enemy has had US both ...gripped in this oppression for many years.  How were we so blind?  I think I know now how..but......You Know was  (singing and praising) a sweet sweet 360 on top of many hard memories.  YOU did it Lord.  You have brought us both out of the muck and mire...for YOUR purpose and we realize and know it and we want to help others now and we believe You are opening doors to that.  Thank you God. 

I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

Lord, you know my secret desire is to help many. Lord, I wish to be a light to my family and friends but especially to my children and my husband...I want to be a sign of YOUR great mercy and love.  Lord God, Brendan does not realize it, but each time he does say to someone else, 'chell showed me great mercy and grace'...OH God..that melts my heart, and I believe I fall in love with him all over again each time.  Lord, as my heart rejoices and cries -- cause I am reminded daily - HOW much mercy and grace YOU SHOWED ME...oh God.  Thank you.  I am humbled.  I do want to have my mouth filled with your praise - all day long and I pray right now that this very LONG blog will bring glory and honor to you- and only you - not me!  
Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
12 Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

Oh God, for so long I felt the enemy was a person -- and it was the liar of all lies -- Satan, God he will no longer be able to lie to me.  Thank you - 
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.    Yes I will!  
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.

Oh God yes...How do I put in words the love I feel when I hear Brendan sharing his story with another and it helps that person?  

How do I put in words the joy I feel when he asks me to pray for something and says ..."cause God hears you"....

How do I put in words that just sitting in this hotel, watching him read his answered prayer?  

How do I put in words that you have given us 'this gift' of restoration ....and how can I tell you how thankful we are?  

Even yesterday..there is so much more, more that will remain private - ours to share...but GOD..YOU did this.  As Morris prophesied  - he saw a 3- braided chord when he looked at me back in September of 2010.  He saw it severed.  He knew instantly of the sin that had entered our lives and our marriage.  He was wise...he shared and let me decide.  As his vision and Your word clearly said..I had a choice.  But YOU Lord, placed a love for my husband so deep into my heart - that could ONLY of been placed there by YOU.  YOU loved Bren THAT much too.  You knew him better than anyone.  And so, you  reminded me show grace and mercy.  And Morris said, that it would take time...and it would hurt and it would be TEDIOUS...but if it was properly spliced back together there - it would never break there again.  THAT is the promise I am holding too!  
  As YOU have healed this and YOU have moved me beyond this.   YOU have moved us both to this point...we could break again at another spot..but this time, we will be watching and on guard, as we have our ARMOR on...HIS word.  Period.  End of story.  

16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, SovereignLord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

It is a marvelous deed.  But we are very aware... it is a precious miracle, and we will hold to YOUR promises and keep YOU first!   

18 Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?

You are my ROCK Lord.  You ARE my strong tower! 
At one of those pivotal soccer games when I felt the world would end...a friend sent me this Scripture in a HELD me....HIS word is what shows us the path! 

20 Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

THESE are the 360's I continue to talk about.  
You comfort me.  
I am on this wonderful trip ...with my husband and it has been like a honeymoon.  We never had one - we are having one no!!  From the tourist stuff we have done, to the teasing I get before bed - oh God, I feel like - finally ...THIS Is what true love, unconditional love ...the love you intended for a husband and wife to share...THIS is the WHY and  this is what it is all about.  Two people - loving you FIRST and joining together in one flesh -- to worship YOU in spirit and in truth - amen!  

And God - I do believe the boys will win today - as THAT is how perfect you are.  As the 'old' memory is that we packed up and went to Wisconsin with a loss in the semi-final and that team went on to win Nationals...the 360 would be that Hunter's team win's today and goes onto Nationals....cause THAT is HOW much you love me.  THAT is how much you love Taylor and our legacy of family in the future.   THAT is how much -- YOU are THAT kind of God. 

 So, Lord, I thank you ahead of time.  I know that I know - that is what YOU would make happen if I needed that...but my flesh is going to praise you no matter what...and if Hunter and his team don't win today - there is still a 360 here, as we pack up and leave together as a family -- back to our home, no separate homes!  Amen.  

However Lord -- I do pray that each and every boy works hard today to play their best and God I pray for Your favor over this team.  That you will be given the glory.  They are playing another good team that has hopes and dreams too- may it just be a great game, may they play their  hearts out and God, may the team that YOU want to win - win.  Amen!  
22 I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

Brendan and I awaiting to enjoy RUDY's BBQ for his 2nd time and my first...HE was so excited to take me there -- too funny! 
Oh God,  Satan wanted to harm us -- Satan wanted to destroy a family  -- but YOU won.  I realize and know that we will face more trials and who knows what is in store for us 'next'...but we are a united front now - together - bonded with you.  I believe that vision Morris had for us - the three braided chord- has been tediously spliced together and it won't break there again and God I pray it won't be severed in any new spot, but if that should happen - I know that I know - YOU have this.  AS YOU win.  Amen.  

And God ..that this blog would be for Your Glory - not mine- and if it helps just one woman to HANG in there -- and hold onto what God has placed into your heart - to show grace and mercy -- then SO BE it Lord...cause when we are obedient to you ...YOU win!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

...the 'why' was revealed....answered prayer

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 NLT

This verse is on a t-shirt I own.  This verse is one I memorized.  This verse says so much.
Those that trust in the Lord. ...

There was a time when  I did not trust - but I  had NO clue that I did not trust.
I had NO idea what   little STRENGTH I  had without HIM and no clue as to WHAT I could do with HIM!

I did not feel like I was soaring - anywhere.  I did a lot of running and grew weary, way too often. really understand WHAT it means to TRUST in HIM.


In therapy and just in my prayer time with God, it has been a natural question - why?
Why God?

I can ask, Why God did that happen?
Why was 'this' the path that I had to be on.......?
Why did he do it?

In many books with  ANY sin..when the sinner really understands the 'why' he or she did what they did -- then they have an easier time preventing it from happening again.

Could it happen again?

Anyway, I have been obsessing a bit here and there about the 'why'.
I had sort of told my brain that WHEN I got  THAT answer - I would REALLY be healed then!  

Well, on this trip - God really reminded me of something yesterday!!
Again, I am so humbled.

Two things  -- I had to accept the fact that I may never get the 'why'.  Our therapist reminded me of that often - "you may never get the why"...."he probably does not even know why"....But, I  still wanted the why.

But I made a choice to focus on something else and move past that wanting.

And two, when I finally really accepted the fact that I may never get the 'why' .....I believe I did get the why.....

God impressed upon me through HIS Holy Spirit -- 'just look around...this is why'......And as God and I talked back and forth, I believe HE was saying this to me as well: have freedom now...
....your husband has even told others - he is more in love with you now that he ever was... have a peace now about who you are in Christ.... have a hunger that was never there before... are being used to serve 'my people'.... are happy - happier than you have ever been cause you are free to love yourself, and love him after ME... are indeed within MY will......and you understand that now...

So, why not?   .....maybe THAT is the why!

After that conversation with God on Friday morning, each and every aspect of the day - seemed even more perfect and ordained by God.

Today, I felt like the most precious woman holding my husband's hand - today was a 360 day...where, I felt 100% healed.  So, I am going to start telling myself that all the time now!   100%

I sort of knew this already -- that is why HE is moving the two of us onto ...or into our own ministry now as a couple ....and I am excited to see what is next!


Thursday, June 20, 2013

I waited patiently... June 20, 2010, 2011....2013....

It is almost 3am and I can't sleep.  You see today is June 20th, 2013.

Do you know what I was doing on June 20th 2010?....(3 years ago)  I was preparing to drive to Louisiana to watch Hunter play with his SFE Club Team  in the Regional Soccer Cup.  WE were so excited that he and his team qualified as they won the REGION III League.   However, that year my hubby and I were separated and the kids and I  had planned on heading to Louisiana by ourselves but I knew Brendan wanted to come.  He eventually asked me if I was 'ok' with him coming.  I knew it was important for Hunter to have his dad there,  and I wanted help in the driving department, even though feelings and relationships were very strained.  It was a week of soccer and family time, but it was very hard and hellish at times ....for I can look back on it and put it behind me - but it was a hard week.   And the kids and I laugh now, as they admit it was 'hellish' for them as well.  Or 'awkward' is what they said!!  VEry.

However, THIS is how awesome our God is - HE is so sweet.  Brendan and I will be getting into a car in a few hours and we will be driving to the Regional Soccer Cup in Oklahoma - to watch Hunter and his Team Boca.  You see this year, his team qualified because they are the Florida State Cup champs!  And....three years later, my God is giving me a DO -over...A chance to make more memories and put them ON top of the yuck that occurred 3 years ago.

 Don't get me wrong - there were plenty of FUN memories.  For example, Hunter, Taylor and me all sharing one KING sized bed and Brendan having to sleep on the floor.  We do laugh about that now.  We ate well and we all laughed at the 'northern' kids that were not used to the sweltering HEAT in Louisiana that year, which WE were very used too! Anyway, I also laughed about going each day to the Laundromat and washing the uniforms of two other boys and reading everything under the sun before I would head back to the hotel.  I actually enjoyed that quiet time - it was just TOO awkward in our hotel room!  And we loved each day as the boys won and won until the final and then - the boys  lost and those boys that were so happy  each day - were in tears.  And truth be told,  I was glad to get out of that  blistering HEAT and head north!

From there, we left Louisiana, dropped Brendan off at the airport to fly back to Florida, and drove to Wisconsin and made more memories after that.  It was just the kids and I and we did have a good visit in Wisconsin and were loved on extra by siblings and cousins!

Anyway, tonight as I was picking up a few things, I came across my journal from that summer and read over and over letters to God and prayers I wrote to God and relived the rawness of that month and of that trip and I just praised God- as we are getting a DO -over and we are BOTH excited about it.  As I call them, God is giving me a 360 -- but HE is also giving Brendan a 360 too -- he wants new memories to put over the pain he caused.  Just him  ( Brendan ) revealing that -- saying that -- brings ME more healing.  Thank you Lord!

I also came across these two verses that I would write over and over in my journal -- "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"  Phil 1.6

And.... " I waiting patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.". Psm. 40.1

Over and over again - I read HIS mercy towards me and I read my hurt all over again - but I could SEE God all over my journal and within our midsts!

And even though I did not SEE what was going on - now in hindsight, God was working on me and changing me but HE was also working on changing Brendan and the kids too ...and that verse is how I would remind myself, that my husband was a good man that got deceived and sidetracked by the enemy, as God HAD begun a good work in him...and I believed that it was God's will to restore!

And wait - June 20th gets even better -- as, on June 20th, 2011 -- was another  pivotal day -- it was  the day, two years ago  that Brendan made the commitment to me that we would really try to make our marriage work and we would sell the house and start fresh....I remember that day like it was yesterday as MUCH transpired that day.  It was the Monday after Father's Day weekend and the Monday after Lauren Burk's wedding weekend.  .....what can I say - it is etched in my brain!

As that day ( and I blogged about is called...Family..this one particular day - it was posted in July of 2011 )  brought closure to a part of our lives and new beginnings to another.   But it was the day that Brendan decided that maybe, just maybe, he could begin to trust God again and step out in faith. It really was the miracle I had been praying for  - for years!

That is why the verse about waiting patiently really HIT me this eve as I read that journal.

I waited patiently ...but not really...I just existed most days, and cried lots and prayed a lot but each night, I would fall asleep expectantly that maybe TOMORROW our situation would change and I wold wake and realize it did I waiting until the next day.

Now in hindsight - HOW did I wait patiently?

 ....praying, believing, seeking counsel, and then focusing on being a servant of God and doing something ELSE to take up the time...
...............and then I would start all over again.

It was HARD!
But it was WORTh it!!   Worth it!

'Cause later this morning ....

  • I am going to hop in my car with my man and we are going to travel the 1352 miles to Oklahoma, and see scenery we have never seen.
  • We will stop for breakfast and share pancakes at McDonald's.
  • We will read, listen to some CD's from church, and re listen to a few of our favorite messages from a few good preachers.
  • We will check Facebook and text message TP and HP and make sure that Hunter got to Oklahoma in style...on the plane!!
  • We will call family, and Brendan will call the Ins. office at least 4x tomorrow!
  • We will stop for lunch at Panara or be crazy and find a little DIVE somewhere.
  • We will also find a hotel to sleep in and WATCh the Miami HEAT win...the finals!

But mostly ...I will just smile, and be reminded of HOW much God loves happy endings, and HOW HE is going to get the glory in this.  And HOW..blessed and how humbled I am.

So, don't give up...write prayers out and date them, and I know that if you stand on the promises of God - HE won't fail you and HE will give you as many 360's as you need to make NEW memories on top of the old yuck...cause THAT is how sweet our God really is - HE loves us THAT much.

Now...can I fall asleep for the next two hours or shall I just blog on another topic?

HIS daughter...


Friday, June 14, 2013

my soul hungers...... I confess! Forgive me Lord!

There is something that I must confess - something that has been bothering me for a bit.   God has been showing me my error....

Do they really think 'they' can be THAT relaxed about their relationship with our Lord...our God....OUR Creator and think that it does NOT hurt HIS feelings?

Do they really think that NOT going to church is OK?
Do they really think that we are NOT in the end times?
Do they really put everything else before HIM?
Do they really understand that hell is real?
Do they see what they are teaching their kids?
Do they really pray?
Do they really SEEK to know you ?
Do they really think 'all is OK'?

Let me explain.

I was judgmental.
I was a know it all.
I thought I had it 'all'.
I was so wrong.
So wrong.
I was such a Pharisee.

Recently I received a copy of a letter that was sent to both me and my hubby some 20 years ago.  It was sent by a loving dad who wanted the perfect Father's Day gift.   It addressed a few issues within our Christian Walk and it was mailed to us in love.  I know that  I know - I read it 20 years ago and NEVER thought twice about its meaning or did I 'receive' it as in my head - I was FINE.   FINE.   He had to be addressing the others he mentioned in the letter.   I went to church.  I did not swear.  I read the bible occasionally.  I did good.  I was a GREAT mom and a good co-worker.  I scrap-booked, made memories and kept a clean house and when I was asked to be a part of a bible study or a committee, I smiled and did what I was suppose to do!   And...I felt  I did my best to be a good wife and support to my husband.  We had started another business...I was working my tail off...etc.   etc...  etc....

The letter addressed issues like - talking Sunday casually...not attending church faithfully....what we put in our heads....what we watched on TV....what we had our hearts set also reminded us that the enemy can so quickly get in to a family and destroy it.

20 years ago, I know I did not read that letter and UNDERSTAND  that I should of heeded the words.
20 years ago - I thought I knew it all.
20 years ago  - I thought my relationship with Jesus and God was a good as it could be - I was so wrong.

However, I never would of 'seen' it back then.  I just wouldn't of believed I was in error - it had to be the others dad was addressing in the letter.

Only now - 20 years later can I 'see' it.

So back to what has been bothering me.  I confess - I give more grace and mercy to total strangers than I do to the 'ones' I believe have confessed they love God.

Really ?   Yep!  I know I do.
I am still judging them - others.  Yikes.  I confess that.
I need to show more love.

But I just want to scream....John 6.35 says that Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life.  He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.".

I could quote that 20 years ago.  I can quote it now.  I was never THIRSTY.....
Now, I am thirsty.

I see so many that hunger after....their Facebook status...
I see many hunger after their family or friends....
I see many hunger after the social climbing...
I see several hunger after that dinner date, the cell phone app, or even the gym....
I see others hunger over their anger and want revenge...
I see  a few put their needs first...
I see several believing that promiscuity is ok..
I see several thinking that the misuse of drugs and alcohol is ok...
I see several that claim they pray - but I have watched their lives......are they really praying?
I see a few say they have repented -- but I don't see changed lives...

and then I just see many that are --- just apathetic....

I am judging....I am judging their behaviors.......

David Evans spoke to us at church last week, he stated there are two reasons why people don't live as Christ planned for them or they are not making the impact on HIS is because they are either fearful or lazy...

I have been fearful and lazy.
20 years ago I thought things were pretty good.
About 10 years ago - the hole created because it was being filled with other stuff - began to show through....six years ago - things began to get really tense within my  life and the people around it and so I THEN turned to Christ and HIS word.

I sort of stopped judging others - I was too busy worrying about my own affairs.  The hunger came....

It was a hunger like no other .....but I began to fall in love with my God.
I wanted more of HIM.
It was a supernatural transformation that resulted....the past four years have been intense pain and then restoration and recovery  and then....faithfulness!

Faith creates miracles.   Little did I know of what would come next and how that hunger, that supernatural power sustained me.

It took a MAJOR crisis within  my family to get me to where I am today.
I see many families and hurting husbands and wives and I just want to SMACK them ----wake up O sleeper ....wake up.  Do they even see what God sees?  

There -- that is my judging again.
I am so sorry Lord.

I don't wish ANYONE a crisis of faith....I don't wish anyone pain....but some so close - do they realize the enemy speaks louder to them ....consistently?

I need to show mercy and grace to those as well.
However, do they see HOW you have protected them THUS far...they treat you like...YOU will always be there -- when they need you ....and yet, they don't honor and SEEK you now when things are 'better'....why does it take 'yuck' to get us to hunger for you???

There....I have  confessed it.  I know I must continue to show love.  I know I will continue to pray for those families and loved ones right around me that God is protecting.  I know that God wins  and I know that as I have now confessed and asked God to give me a greater LOVE for the lost....

That HE will bring forth MANY opportunities for me to....minister and love on those that have to learn it the HARD way.

As I know that HIS word says..."if we do not abide in prayer, we will abide in temptation".    Lord, God, preserve my soul...keep my heart and all its ways so that I will not be entangled in the past, or stuff, or my judging.  Lord, help me to show love to those I want to SMACK!  Lord, you have shown me again today -- patience and HOW LONG you waited for me......Grow me Lord, enrich my territory and expand those I reach via this blog ...or my work...or just my Fbook status...I don't want to be judgmental.  I want 'them' to long and HUNGER after you ...cause YOU deserve that honor and respect and that love.  Lord, may they understand the true meaning of worshiping you...may they see and ask I putting you first Lord?  Lord, I know I put you 2nd for far too long - and I know I am forgiven for that -- God, may this prayer touch just one -- may this prayer make just one, seek you in a deeper way.  May just one person - 'get it'.  God, I don't want to be fearful or lazy  and as Pastor David Evan all boils down to a form of pride.  God...may there be NO pride.  Even if I feel like I got this now.......I don't!   Lord, continue to teach me...Lord, I don't ever want to be prideful ...only to have pride in WHAT you continue to bless me with!  I am so proud to be called YOURS.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

losing heart....losing hope...... don't lose hope.....

I have read this book, several times and the chapter on "losing heart" has been highlighted -- marked up ....and well--read and reread and tonight I want to share a part of it.
I am basically rewriting a part of it - if this sticks into your brain and you want to read more -- it is from the book,  "Strong Women, soft hearts" by Paula Rinehart.
She writes:  

...if you want to know real joy in life, then be willing to let pain tutor your soul....

Passion in life is comprised mostly of the stuff that comes from the tutoring process--slowly and mysteriously-- like a phoenix rising from the ashes of despair. I should add that the root of this word passion gives us significant clues as to how we acquire it.  It means "to suffer".  It's as though some wise old souls was trying to let us in on a little secret. are interested in the passionate life. You want the real thing.  Are you willing, then, to grapple with a bit of pain?   - Paula Rinehart

I thought about that  and read that and reread that...pain has tutored my soul.
Pain has taught me much. 
A crisis of faith is what it took.....for me to become passionate about Christ.  

  Passion is a two-sided coin on which joy is wedded, inextricable, to sorrow, and wisdom is purchased at the feet of suffering.  You won't know many moments of being Cinderella at the ball without sweeping up your own pile of ashes and cinders.  The real prizes are never cheap.   - Paula Rinehart

Again, I thought about that - read and reread it.  
To think that suffering is what most of us have to live through to really learn to trust God..
to really learn to hunger for really have that passion.....

She goes on to write that when we lose heart ..we lose hope and it is easy to lose hope in our flesh!  She gives scripture to remind us:  

"Cursed is the man who trust in mankind and makes flesh his strength...For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant"  

Hope that is pinned to God, rather than to people, has a buoyancy to it because it is grounded not in our own illusion of how our story should read, but in the character of God.  And so, your husband may indeed leave  for another woman, the book may never be published, the business may never get off the ground, but we dare not let go of our hope.  We stay alive to the possibility to encountering someone really good, so that we can welcome it when it comes.  We won't have  our backs turned. - Paula Rinehart

As David wrote in the Psalms,
"I would of despaired unless I had believe that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

David expected to see the goodness of God in his life -- at any possible moment, in the most unlikely of situations, because good is simply how God is.  A sense of expectancy rooted in the goodness of God keeps hope alive!

I was purposeful in choosing WHICH paragraph I was going to post here -- I put it in red...
If  you know me, you can understand why I read and reread that.
I read it and was mad at God..."No way....that can't be!"
I read it and thought, "Ok God...I will trust".
And finally I got to a point where I read it and understood it.

We have to put our hope in God.
Our Lord.
Our BEST pal and confidant.

I have learned, probably the hard way, that we can't give up hope.
It takes TIME - God's time!

I wanted to encourage someone  again -- seek God - look to HIM for your hope and don't give up!
It takes time - HIS time.  But I promise you -- in the mean time, you can look for the goodness of the Lord - HE will show you that while HE is making the bigger picture change!!

- in HIm, Michelle

Monday, June 10, 2013

...hearing from God to ENDURE.....

 I know what it is like to feel like God had forgotten you.

I know what it feels like to think that NO one else has it as bad as I do right now......

I know how it hurts to believe that you were rejected on purpose and that it seems like the BAD guys win.....

It sucks.  

It hurts.  

That is NOT God's plan for you!  

 A very sweet woman sent this to me in an email - over a year ago, but it FITS today......

Dear Beloved, Dear Michelle - 

" I know God has a plan for her..(us )  and  HE wants her...(us) to draw closer to Him. 

 {we were both in prayer for a mutual sister in Christ} 

..."I told her about getting the revelation word from God that 
addresses you right where you are and gives truth for the moment."

  "This type of word from God has to be sought after.  Sometimes we hear from God through others (Can be the most comforting and easy),  sometimes througthe Holy Spirit that speaks truth almost audibly or through a "knowing", but then there are the times where you have to read and pray, yearning and seeking after Him in earnest. God makes a phrase, sentence or Word "pop out" to us."

  "Then we meditate and HE brings the peace and knowledge that HE is working through the circumstance.  Our confidence in Him grows and we are actually "Walking" with Him in Spirit.  We have to wait for this and be patient, enduring till we get the peace that is coming.  We grow through these times.  There are many examples in 
the Bible of where this occurred in times of stress."

So dear beloved....SEEK HIM and HE will bring forth the answers you need - wait and trust in HIM.  

I know it hurts.  
I know it sucks.
I know that it seems you are forgotten - but, I know that I know - HE has not forgotten you - HE is teaching you to totally rely on HIM and HE wants your total devotion and allegiance.  HE will bring beauty out of the ashes - just wait and watch -- may all start within the hour or week -- or it could be longer, but GOD has this...GOD wins.  Smile, remind yourself of that  and don't loose hope.  

This is one of these moments when I WANT to just FIX it for you - but, I can't -- the JOY of seeking YOU rely on HIM, is one of the greatest blessings to us praying and standing in the gap -- God wins. Don't forget it!