Thursday, November 28, 2013

Giving Thanks - This is meant to encourage you!

In 2009, my heart ached.
In 2010, my heart was frozen.
In 2011, my heart felt awkward but hopeful and cautious.
In 2012, my heart was hopeful but timid.
Today, my heart is healed and thankful.

I don't mean to bring up the past - but I mean to remind anyone that reads this -- LIFE is hard and it takes TIME to reach our healing.

The past is that - my past, but it was my  destiny ---that was  steered......and so therefore, I do remember-- often --the PIT from which I came OWN pit - that I put myself in.

 Many times it seems if we are thrown into that PIT and many times we are....or we are pushed, but either way -- we were in a PIT.  I was in a PIT.  I am thankful HE pulled me out of there - HE pulled us out!

We stop and think that our problem 'just happened' or 'suddenly hit' and when we get beyond the other side of it -- and if we really allow God to reveal it to us......the problem came on so slowly and we ignored all the warning signs and we just moved forward so the hurt was a LONG time coming.  So, the healing most often has to take a LONG time coming.

The Enemy is a liar and he is so sneaky....and he has all the time in the world to lie and slowly make a path to that PIT so that when were are just right there...we fall in.    

But -

 Don't give up.   Don't give in.    God wins.

Today my heart is heavy for the people around me -- the hurting ones.

My husband and I spent almost on hour in prayer this am.  I don't say that to brag -- I say that in that is one of the reasons why my heart is healed today - prayer!!!

 One thing I had to confess to God  this morning is that -- HE is in control.  HE brings His children to our minds and we pray and we both believe in miracles, but we must also release those people to some don't get their healing on 'our' timeline.  But, HE knows.

Several times in the past few days, my husband has had to remind me that I am not a super hero....I can't FIX stuff and even though I pray and ask God to intervene....HE really is still the Savior and the FIXER!

I had to release several today -- trusting them to God, that in their pain....they will find their solace in HIM.

HE is the only one that can truly heal.

We may want SO much for that friend to see a Savior...
We may want that loved one to finally be set free of her sin....
We may want that one to be loved on at Thanksgiving time and have her children with her...
We may want to experience that true peace to see our loved ones again   or  have an answer as to 'why' they were taken so soon...
We may just need a miracle in an area that we can't get control of....

Whatever the circumstance, whatever the need - HE does know it and HE is making a way  -- the perfect way.  We must just pray that our will lines up with HIS...

That is hard to watch - when you can see WHAT God would want that person to do - but you can't make them....they must find that way themselves.

Holidays are hard - filled with much joy, laughter, pain and sorrow - and HIM.

So, with that - I will pray:

I cry out to our God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of Kings and the Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light.  ( 1 Tim 6.18)  -- that HIS will be done!  For each and every one of the people HE has brought to our attention in the past few weeks and months....I continue to pray that the God of HOPE will fill them with all the joy and peace as they TRUST HIM and walk with that they will overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit ( Romans 15.13) and may HIS healing hand not only restore their families, but create for HIS glory and HIS honor -- a new family and a new person - refined  by HIS fire, molded by HIS hands, and created by HIS mercy and love.  I praise you Lord for what you are doing and what you will do in their lives...Amen.

Lord - heal her heart....return those kids to her.
Lord - heal that addiction .... set her free.
Lord - heal that heart and her sorrow.
Lord - meet the financial need.
Lord - bind that enemy away from her - set her free from the immortality.
God protect all of them and their families around.
Lord, that eyes would be opened.  Amen.  
Thank you Lord!

And God, that she would believe that YOU can heal her marriage too -- Oh Lord, that she would know -- it can be done.  Amen.

Monday, November 25, 2013

..thankful.... there is a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel....I promise!

My Jesus Calling Devotional today ...states this:

Beloved, this is the day that the Lord has made...As you rejoice in this day of life, it will yield up to you precious gifts and beneficial training.  Walk with Me along the high road of thanksgiving, and you will find delights I have made ready for you....To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely.  A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. ...They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts.  Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds.  How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times.  They can walk through the darkest of days with joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them.  Rejoice in this day that I have made for you, I am your steadfast Companion.  - God   Psalm 118. 24  and Psalm 116. 17 

It is very hard to stay hopeful when it seems like God has forgotten us.  I have said that...I have felt that God has forgotten me, but praise God I have also lived long enough to know
                            ...that is a LIE from the pit of hell.

God does not forget us.  God never has.  HE knew me..HE knows you...before you were born.  HE knows the number of hairs left on my head and how many will fall out into the drain this evening.

I am posting today for 3 give hope and encouragement for three special women of God that I got to pray with today....and for myself, to remind myself how things are so relative and how the enemy  continues to try and lie and weasel his way into our lives.

And maybe I am posting this --for you...the stranger at the other side of this computer screen that I don't know.

Today I was SO pissed..yep, I used that word PISSED.  I was angry.  I wanted to cuss!   I have not been THAT angry with my daughter ....since...since she was 2 years old and pulled her ONE and ONLY tantrum in Walmart during the Christmas holiday.

I have not been THIS pissed off...since....since I saw my neighbor Todd put a shock color on our dog Bella and then I had to watch her get shocked and Brendan gave him permission  to do it ...I was equally mad at them both! (more mad at BP )

Let's see...I was THIS mad at myself when I knew I should of wrapped this one really cool vase better when we moved and sure enough- it crashed...and it was ME to blame, but I yelled at HP. seems there may be a few anger issues here, but not really.

 I was in the dentist chair today when I got a text and to make a  long story short - I am having a Mary Martha Party later this evening and I prayed over the invites  -- and I asked God whom to invite and took great care.  I mailed a few, delivered a few myself,  and then gave my daughter the job of delivering the 16 others to the mailboxes at CES ( my old school ).  Well, today's  text prompted me to ask a few questions and sure enough, the 16 invites NEVER made it to their mailboxes....the party was in 30 is Thanksgiving break, people have plans, the Consultant has  made plans, she will set up her stuff and have only a few here?

The goal is to sell some stuff! ---- (please read to the end of this post - as THAT is not the goal!)

 I guess I got "more" mad cause I later found the invites in her messy car...under junk.  Under volleyball and college stuff.  You see, I rubber banded the invites to her keys and asked her 2x.. and this has happened before!  But again -- long story short, the invites did not go out.  And now, do I cancel or do I call people?

Ok, enough already - this really is not about the forgotten invites.  It really is about the Enemy trying his best to defeat us.  Quickly I was reminded of something the Consultant always says, "Michelle, those who God wants at the party - are always the right ones, even if there are only two people" -- and one time we had a party of two people!   And God reminded me even more quickly - this was the each time Carla shares a word from God - the enemy is defeated....

And I know something REALLY cool will transpire later tonight cause not only did the invite debacle interupt my day...but, the enemy threw a few more things at me.

By the way...
I texted/yelled at my daughter via 1400 miles away.  I said sorry about 4 hours later.

As I said, when it rains, it pours at times, but yet, I became so aware and thankful for my own children and their health as throughout the day, I prayed with a woman that needs her health back and she needs her son to be healthy and whole too.

I read about a little boy that went to the REZ school, that had entered heaven and thought about his family....

I was reminded of Ethan and his children that probably awoke today and were reminded that "their mommy went to heaven today just two weeks prior".    ( His wife, their mom died of cancer on 11-11)

I reached out to a woman that wants restoration in a marriage.

I prayed with a woman that does not have her kids right with her right now, and her heart is so broken.

And I was reminded of MANY other heartbroken people.

I was reminded that we always need to be thankful.

I think it is important to be real and to be aware.  Because of God....there is HOPE and there is light at the end of the tunnel even when we think it can't happen.

It is a very hard concept, but there can be joy in our circumstance.

Tomorrow could be the day the situation turns around....tomorrow could be the day....

I am quite sure that my 'party' will be fine.  Carla's goal is not to have GREAT sales, she does this as a ministry and she is able to speak about God.  My goal for the party was to have some time of fun fellowship with my pals from CES...and share with them the wonderful products that could bless them.

But, even though the enemy seemed to weasel into today - I am thankful.

But, I have prayed this evening and I will continue  to pray specifically for those three women I spoke to today...that God will uphold them, that maybe tomorrow the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel will be revealed..I will pray that they grab ahold of the edge of Jesus' garmeant or walk OUT on that water and hold ON for dear life...and allow God to be there.

God has to be it.
HE has to be our all.
HE allows strife and heartache within out lives - cause HE wants to draw us near  -- HE is getting our attention. That was NOT HIS intention but we are in a wicked world and we chose the path, we have that free leads us into temptation and then sin.
It certainly seems  like ALL the others ( around us )  are getting the breaks and the ones who are ARE on their knees seeking God are NOT winning...but hold on dear sister...hold on beloved....YOU are HIS.

Please don't compare your situation with others -- you have no idea, but maybe Satan does not need to mess with them...and he is able to bless then ( Satan can bless people ) cause they are NO threat.
So consider it an honor...that the enemy is seeking to destroy you -- and your dreams and family...cause he knows, God has great plans in the future.

Lisa Bevere says that you are probably being attacked ...cause of WHAT the enemy knows YOU can do for the Kingdom of God in the future -- so he is attacking now.  Don't let him win.

Don't let the enemy tell you God has forgotten you -- HE has not.
Cry out to him.  Demand GOD to show up and move....just make sure that you are RIGHT with him first - confess any sin....make sure YOU have asked HIm into your life and heart, and declare your love for him.

I realize it may be hard to declare your LOve for God...I was unable to really do that for many takes time to trust something that is 'unseen'.  But, if we will...Glory will come.

Hang in there sweet ladies....YOU are deeply loved.  Memorize these verses  below.  Personalize them.

Michelle, be strong and courageous, don't fear..for God is with me and HE won't leave or forsake me.
__________, be strong....

Lord, God.....I am thankful for this day - as I close my eyes now finally at 2am...and rest, I pray that tomorrow - ( later today ) - YOU will show up in a mighty way to those sisters in Christ that touched me today....God they need miracles, guidance, advice, and direction and they need healing and restoration - I pray that for EACH of them.  amen.

God they may not have the faith right now to believe there is  LIGHT at the end of the TUNNEL - but I will believe it enough for them -- I will!

Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Psalm 55:22 ESV / 

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

...we hoped it would last until we were old and gray.....bye Trace

 Many people have lost a loved one.
I lost a nephew 5 years ago.
I have been to my three of four of my Grandparent's funerals and all four of Brendan's.
I have been to a funeral where a young desperate man   -- took his life.
I have walked into a room where a child's casket was there and unfortunately that has happened a few times.
I have witnessed several  friends say good bye to her dads --  and watching an even closer pal say good bye to her Grandmother was hard.
I have see a mother grieve her son.
I have watched several mom's grieve and long to hold their child.
I have seen some 'senseless' deaths and I have seen older ones finally be set free of their pain.
Anyway you frame it -- it means a loss.


How could you cope?
  How would you be able to move forward?
 IN my mind, the only way to be able to move forward is because  I believe in heaven.

I don't think it gets  'easier' just gets 'different'.

And I would never say I can 'understand' another's pain. There is no level on does not hurt more than another because in that moment ...THEIR PAIN is GREAT and THEIR pain  can only be comforted by HIM.

But our human flesh wants to plead and ask ...WHY....
And our human flesh wants answers...
And our human flesh hurts and wants to lash out..

But, as we stop and SEEK our Father, our spirit knows -- she is in a better place. But actually stating that to her husband right now ...I am sure he would say, "hell, no.....a better place for her would be here with us and her children".
He is hurting.
God loves him right where he is at.
It is hard.

Trace went to heaven on Monday.

I was home in my bed when our mutual pal called me.

God knew I needed to get the call and have the chance to mourn and cry by myself.  I was at home.  I awoke not feeling right and then I tweeked my back and knew that a day of rest on my back is what was needed.  Little did I know.  God knew.  HE is so sweet.

I fell apart.  I had been WANTING a different outcome on this.  I had been begging God.

I last spoke to Trace a week prior.  I usually text her, but only get a response every few days and the responses are random. For some reason...cause God knew my silly heart would be blessed, I called her and she answered the phone.  I talked to her and at the end of  30 seconds of me speaking to her....  I heard "ya" and "Ok"  and "love you too".

 I am unsure if she really knew it was me.

 It did not matter - I got to hear her.

 You see, on that day I was still believing and HOPING for a DIRECT miracle from God.  I knew it would be a tall order...

Now knowing how fast her frail body was shutting down - those may of been the only words she said that day.

I saw her in September.  I flew home to see her and I got to spend a good portion of a day with her.
I found out her cancer had returned early in March.  Our emailing and texting started up back  again this past Spring.

For several months now ....prayers for her have been daily, hourly..... When  the problems with her lungs began in August, you could tell that her body seemed to be shutting down.  She rallied and took chemo and then radiation to stop the growth in the brain.  But after some grueling treatments, the cancer had continued to spread.   Two weeks ago, they decided to stop all treatment and call in Hospice.  Within almost 12 days...she was gone.

For the past 3 months, I have vacillated  back and forth - 'will you heal her Lord, will you? '...Shall I proclaim healing, will people think I am crazy?

I have debated with God.  Asked God.  Pleaded with God.  Cried with God.  Searched God.  ....
But mostly, I have trusted God.  I don't have to understand it - just believe HIM.  I do.

I know she is in heaven.

I am standing on the prophetic vision that was given to me about her kids and her husband.....that they will be OK.  That Trace's life is like a beautiful tree , and it is deeply rooted and it will cause many to know about God through her children and her husband.

Right now her husband seems pretty angry -- but I really don't know HOW he feels - I am not him.  But God knows.

Her children are precious.  I have asked God, "what can I do?".  Pray.  Remember them and I am asking God to show me some special gifts that I can send them in time.  I promised myself and God that I would not forget about them.  They are only 14, 12, and 7 years of age.
I found something this eve as I reread Trace's blog post on her Care Bridge said:

 It seems like one thing keeps happening after another, but I keep telling myself that we serve a big God, that He's still in control, and He's on my side and solving my problems. (These definitely fall into the category of Problems That Are Out Of My Control!) I know that He can heal one tumor or 10, small ones or large, one ailment or many. In every situation, my part is to trust, so that's what I'm doing. I'm in good spirits, I have decent energy and good pain management, and I'm looking into a good Mime program...there's several in the area! ; )
So have a good day, and thank you for adding your prayer and thoughts and positive energy to mine!
In His Care,

Trace is in HIS care this eve.

  Life is VERY short and precious.  And as my pal, Jeaunetta  reminded me, her ETERNAL home has been accomplished.  I am so happy for her, as these last weeks took their toll.

Trace's words  spoke volumes to me....When she and I rekindled our friendship again this past summer, we talked back and forth and emailed about  wanting enough time ...enough time to be ready to head home to heaven.  I believe HE gave her what she asked for. 

But then again - I have NO idea -- but God does.

I have  often wondered ...would I want to know when my time was up?  Would I live differently?  I pray that I live EACH day as it was my last, I know that I know - I will live differently tomorrow and appreciate what HE has for me.  And I know, that I will see her again in heaven.  And I know she is finally in NO pain and whole.

We are in HIS care.  It is not easy.  Her family is  suffering and I find that God still gives me comfort.  So therefore, I KNOW HE gives them even MORe comfort.

This isn't about me....and yet,  God is so sweet and  several of HIS servants have texted or send me condolence messages.....and I was just a high school chum.

 God is so SWEET.  I always say "God wins" ...but here is a new catch phrase--"God is so sweet"!!
 I am a witness to the glories HE just wants to pour out or bestow on us.  It is truly amazing.

I will end with this....

Trace,  hey...I so loved our 'last' day together in Watertown.  I loved the funny faces and I loved hearing your heart.  You were indeed a special pal at WHS and I love how you even noted it in our yearbook ....that we were not 'needy' friends nor were we like the others  -- we could be friends no matter what.  That was you - you made friends with EVERYONE.  Your smile was contagious and you were a very loyal pal.

 I am so sorry you won't be here to watch these precious kids grow, but a part of you is in each one of them.  And I do believe that when those kids finally get to see you -- you will all sit around God's 'jumbotron TV monitor and you will watch the years you missed".  As I believe you have NO concept of time and are just sitting at HIS feet right now.   I won't say you are not resting - you are with GOD and I believe we have NO clue as to HOW happy you really are.  Until the dust settles...I will pray that Ethan survives this trauma and I will hold your kids up in prayer.  I believe each one of them are going to do mighty and wonderful tasks for you Lord and that vision of the Tree - will come into fruition!

 God I pray I will see that.  Trace, you are missed and I am still sad -- I cried again today when I read you obituary.  I did not realize we were only a month apart - I am Feb. 23 and you are the 24th of January -- that was my ORIGINAL due date with my first kid - now she is 23~   Trace, I love how you wrote on the back of my 10th grade class photo - it is posted above. You noted that you hoped BP and I work out -- we did ...we are still working at it though...You noted that you hoped we would stay friends until we were old and grey.  Guess what - we are 'old' in some people's eyes but I don't think we had enough time with you!!   So, as I get a little older -- you will always be YOUNG at heart!!  And the gray..... I do have a lot of gray, and I bet all of yours has been replaced with a glorified head of beautiful hair !   Still seems UNREAL and it seems  a little unfair -- but I am trusting God.  HE sees the entire picture, I can only see a piece.

 In HIS time,  hearts will change and hearts will mend.....and Trace will be in heaven when I get there. Amen.  

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Dear Ethan,

  Dear Ethan, 
I have thought of you often throughout today.  I read the post  at the CareBridge site about Trace.  Immediately, I asked God - what do I do? ????
  Later in the day, as I drove home from a work assignment, I penned a letter to you in my head.  But first, I want you to read this passage from Isaiah --  please read it to the end and then read beyond - thank you ... Michelle  
Aka - Chelly 
Isaiah 41:8-16 The Message
8–10       “But you, Israel, are my servant.
You’re Jacob, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
11–13       “Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold—
real losers.
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed—
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won’t find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That’s right. Because I, your GOD,
have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.
I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic.
I’m right here to help you.’
14–16       “Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?
Don’t be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?
I’ll help you.
I, GOD, want to reassure you.
The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
I’m transforming you from worm to harrow,
from insect to iron.
As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains,
turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.
You’ll open the rough ground to the weather,
to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.
But you’ll be confident and exuberant,
expansive in The Holy of Israel!
Peterson, E. H. (2005). The Message: the Bible in contemporary language (Is 41:8–16). Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.

Ethan, I am going to be bold and blunt -- I am believing that you love God and have a relationship with Jesus.  As if I think you don't - then my heart pains HOW can you face what is happening without Him?  So if you love Jesus and understand the Cross -- then the rest of this letter will encourage you!!
  If you don't -- I pray that the rest of this letter would bring comfort and a chance to GRAB onto Jesus' garment and believe that GOD is good and Trace will be healed.  She may still get her miracle HERE on Earth, but it may also only be in Heaven with God ...and with those words, I know that I know - SHE will be better off.   I also know as God has impressed upon me and others -- that YOU and YOUR children are going to be fine.  You will see the beauty in all of this - in HIS time.  
First -- I am so sorry that this terrible disease has come back and struck.  You and Trace and the kids have been in our prayers for months now.  Daily.  
I am so sorry that you had the awful task of telling the kids and when you stated that Logan cried/screamed for over an hour - my gut wrenched.  I can see those tears.  When I met Logan and saw him last month for the first time, I was taken back -- to me ...he looks like TRACE did - back in 9th grade when I met her.  Innocent and happy!   In fact, I found a school photo of her back in 9th grade or 10th with her handwriting on the back and I am in the process of making a little gift for your kids...I will mail it later -- but I saw her, young and vibrant in Logan's eyes.   Even the hair style....
Second -- I know you realize that you have an incredible wife and I want to let you know -- I believe and many believe that GOD has her - completely.    Why God allows the righteous to suffer at times, is for God to understand and figure out.  It took me 44 long years, but I finally surrendered and stopped  trying to analyze it.  
God does not ask us to understand - HE asks us to believe.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow, but with Christ as our Lord - we can have peace and believe that this life is only temporary and believe and  I know that I will see Trace again - whole and healthy.  She will be in heaven and she will greet me when I get there - unless God does grant the last minute touch that I know she has asked for and prayed for.  
Third -- God granted me a special visit with her back in September and in that time, she told me she knew God was drawing her near.  She also believed in heaven and asked me many questions.  For that day, she was almost like the Trace I remember.  We laughed as best as we could, before she would start to cough and we even enjoyed chocolate too.  She truly is a blessing.  She was a sweet and loyal pal back in high school and she is going to continue to be that way as her memory will live.   I believe she has been a sweet and loyal servant of God.  As I read the other posts from friends - I know, God is pleased with her.  
So now..please read the scripture in Isaiah again  - but with a few changes:  
Isaiah 41:8-16 The Message
8–10       “But you, Ethan, are my servant.
You’re my child, my first choice,
descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world, I have chosen you and your wife.  I knew you before you were born and I see each and every long hair upon your head.  I see your children too - they are mine.  I have 
called you in from every dark corner of the earth, from every distraction, from every doubt....
Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ You may not believe in me now - but, through your wife and through my other servants, you are going to come to realize that YOU need me and desire to be closer to me.  
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.  Trace is going to be fine - with me.  Trace wants my peace and total healing and part of the healing you can give her, is the assurance that you will continue to teach your children My ways as Trace was taught and believed.  
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. I promise will fail you, but I will not. 
11–13       “Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold—
real losers.
Every enemy, every one that has hurt you in the past, will have to answer to me. 
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed—
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won’t find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That’s right. Because I, your GOD,
have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.
I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic.
I’m right here to help you.’ Don't panic.  When you hold Trace remind her - I have her too.  
14–16       “Do you feel like a lowly worm, Ethan?
Don’t be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, my child?
I’ll help you.
I, GOD, want to reassure you.
The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
I’m transforming you from worm to harrow,
from insect to iron.
As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains,
turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.
You’ll open the rough ground to the weather,
to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.
But you’ll be confident and exuberant,
expansive in The Holy of Israel!  All you have to do Ethan is believe.  I pray that you have.  
Ethan ....many will read this and say - 'she added to God's word'....I believe God's word is a living work and that God used me right now - to speak to you.  I believe I have not altered His word, I have just added a few words to personalize it.  
I went through a season of incredible pain.  I literally watched a death of something and I watched it come to life.  I can't compare it to your pain right now.  But I would of 'fought' with you at the time and I would of cried just as hard and there were MANY countless nights where I wanted to end my life or have it ended as I felt I could no longer live on this earth - my heart was THAT hurt.  But, like I said - now...after can't compare to your pain. that season - God became so real.  God showed up.  I believe HE is showing up around you.  Again, If I am over speaking -  than forgive me.  However, I serve a mighty God and I believe HE is directing this letter this eve.  I pray that you will open your bible this evening or very soon, and see out God's Psalms and rewrite a few that become LIFE to you.  I pray that you will teach your children about God...I pray that you will teach them that they will see their mom again - I pray that you will believe in a prophetic word/vision I received about Trace and her family right before I came to visit her in September.  It has given me hope and peace -- 
Many people will say 'oh, awe' when a martyr is killed...  when in reality -- we should be rejoicing - he or she was immediately in heaven...with God.  THAT is our destiny...our future.  I am believing that Trace will have a glorious homecoming if God does not heal her instantly.  I believe and know that You will be fine and that Trace's legacy will live on in her children and they will bring many to the knowledge of God because of her faith, her humbleness, and because she lived a life worthy of her calling.  

She will always be our Queen of hearts!  
thank you for taking the time to read....
In Christ, Michelle 

AKA - Chelly 

Monday, November 4, 2013

I walked 60 miles and THANK you.

This post is a thank you to my supporters and the ones who loved on me, encouraged me and the ones who gave financial support as well.  THANKS!

I want to let you know just how SPECIAL this event was.  It was one of God's 360's for me.  You see, when I started these walks back in 2006, my husband and I were in a pretty good place.  Or I felt as if we were.  In 2007 and 2008 I began to see the wear and tear of a struggle and as many already know, by 2010 an earthquake hit.  ( So I did not walk that year. )  But I don't want to talk about that - we are GREAT now!  In fact, my sweet man told me he would do the WALK with me in a few years - us alone together - THAT meant the WORLD to me!

 The walk in 2008 had me grieving the loss of my nephew and so therefore, in 2009 we walked in Chicago for some NEW sights and NEW memories.  2010 was skipped - life had halted.   Then in 2011, both RAchel and I shared this experience with our girls - Taylor and Darby  -- which was just a blessing.  We declined to walk in 2012 - both of us were too busy with college kids, new experiences and Brendan and I were in a state of moving every 6 months...... So, as I said, God gave me a 360 - at this walk --  as I endured this walk with my dear pal, I met new people and shared with old friends too. I got to see the walk through the eyes of a 'newbie' and I got to see some of Tampa's beautiful physical features with a whole NEW set of eyes.  I was happy -- and in a good place, I could experience the WALK for the 'first' time again -- like I did back in 2006.  I honestly have NOT had THIS much joy on an enduring walking marathon..since 2006.   God - of course - blessed.

Our first walk in 2006 was just a unique experience for both of us - I had NO clue nor could I have imagined how much people FIGHT and deal with this disease.  At the time, I had two uncles that had battled other cancers but breast cancer had not 'hit' close.  This year -- it has.  This year, as I walked,  I prayed and prayed for my pal Trace in Wisconsin who is in the BATTLE of her life right now  - so it was close.   I walked for her back in 2009 as well!  This year was probably my 'last' walk here in Florida as the Susan G. Komen foundation has made some cuts and are reframing the structure of the Walk for the Cure and they have gone from 14 National Cities to 7 and Tampa Bay did not make the cut.  I don't think they estimated the people in Southern 3 days, 853 walkers raised over 2.2 million dollars!  In Washington DC 2700 walkers raised 4.7 million -- do the math -- we ROCKED it here!   But, anyway, that is neither here nor there.  These walks have changed my life and have given me a passion to fight for a cause -- and believe WE CAN find a CURE -- we are so close.

For 3 solid days, you are told you are LOVED and you are appreciated in ways you would never think of by fellow walkers, but mostly by TOTAL strangers along the roads -- it is HARD to explain but it is something EACH and every person should experience.  I really believe that.  Many have told me  they could not walk 60 miles and there are some that can't ....but Lord, to see the ones that CAN....People of all ages, of all body types, and of all weights and physically strength - start and finish ...and if they can't - they head to a 'sweep' van and get carried or carted to the next check point.  Blisters, rain, or whatever it is -- we continue to walk because WE CAN.  It does become mind over matter and even with training - walking that distance when you are closer to 50 than 25 .....takes a toll.  We sleep or camp in a tent, we take showers in a traveling portable shower truck and then brush our teeth in a M.A.S.H. type set up or we just use a water bottle and spit out towards the backside of the tent into the grass.  Then there is the PORT - O - POTTIES - where you learn to pee in the dark, where you never look down, and where you must retrain your brain to FLUSH when you get home.  LOL  As I said, it is an experience that I will continue if God says to.

I wait to see  -- if the Lord leads, I will do it again.  Taylor wants to and maybe we will do the walk in Atlanta next October...I need to heal my 'arches' from this walk first!  The added expense to travel will make a difference -- but, I teased Trace that she would be ALIVE to walk the Komen with me in Atlanta next October and she stated - "sounds like fun, I can do that, and I have never been to Atlanta!".  So.....I just prayed again -- Lord, make that happen!

One last thing, I do want to thank my supporters.  I know many of my friends prayed for me -- especially Pam and Linda -- and my man -- and my kids too -- Taylor's texts were perfect -- it was through prayer that I made the quote to raise the $2300 and it was through prayer that my feet did not spasm in PAIN constantly, but just enough to remind me to take care of them!  (Plantar facia problems )

It really WAS by the power of prayer that I completed this feat - and so thank you and thank you GOD!
Thanks for speaking loudly -- and blessing me on this walk --
.....time with RAchel
... time to meet a new pal, Melisa
..time to see Carrie, Jon and the boys
.time to listen to YOU Lord,
time to meet heros
time to  learn new ways to stretch from some GREAT Chiropractic  students and young interns
time to be by myself to just PRAISE God for the blessings of these past 8 years
time to see a beautiful city and its parks and walkways
time to laugh and cry
time to mourn Blake again
time to reflect on HOW each walk changed me.....
time to see ALL that YOU have restored
time to hear my hubby call me and leave sweet messages -- that he missed me
time to hear my family say, "I am proud of you"....

Can you see -- why I could of been a little depressed on Monday when I got home?

OH -- and God went over the top -- I was a part of Opening and Closing ceremonies -- and that is a whole other story - that could be blogged - but I will end.

God is so good.
God is so sweet.

Thank you for helping me accomplish this goal -- michelle
Me standing backstage - ready for Closing Ceremonies

2nd day done.....

Tent City -- our spot was just ahead.  

My cousin Carrie lives ON the route-- great spot to live but now we won't walk in Tampa again....

We did it!

She is the one that GOT me started in this adventure - loved spending the 60 miles with her!

And - I LOVE chocolate -- thank you from a supporter!

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Blake was 17 when he traveled to heaven on the 1st of November in 2008.   This photo is  him, I believe the summer before he met Jesus.  That smile is contagious!  
This photo is how I remember him the most -- with those glasses and those cheezzee smiles -- !

He was a big part of our lives for MANY years -- 17 to be exact.  He was not my son - but my nephew but he was mine.  He stayed at my house many  nights -- I cleaned up after him, gave him baths, picked his ears cleaned and cut those toe nails more than he would of liked.  I also 'babysat him'  -- it really was not babysitting - it was just watching over a kid that was mine too.  

I watched him grow, I watched him learn how to walk and then talk.  I  tried my best to teach him to read as he was in my first grade class, and I had to admit he needed special attention when it came to learning. I fought to have him in a regular classroom and enjoyed watching him finally flourish when he got with Mrs. K and Mrs. Hawthrone and others!  

  I chased him many times down the hallway at Central Elementary School cause he got spooked by something and he had such a stubborn streak.  I teased the heck out of him and loved him even more. I would dance with him and make him sing silly songs.  I was also the one that cleaned him up after many accidents.   I sat and prayed when he got so sick many times and I was with him when he had his first seizure.  I slept with him in his hospital bed on his first night in Okeechobee cause he had pneumonia. 
I decorated cookies with him, I shared food with him and I watched him grow - I watched him get a zit too.  I teased him incessantly at times - times to frustration but he loved it.  I watched him love each and every cousin and enjoy their 'toy' time until that cousin grew past his love of toys and I cried and cried the night his mother told me that the doctors felt he would not live to be an adult.  He was always with a smile on his face.  He loved movies and toys and he loved people.  He never judged and he always, always, always......had your back.  He was indeed a special young man.  

Now, he has an awesome mom too - she did ALL those things with him and more -- and God gave her the BEST son she could have and she loved like none other -- I may of been his Aunt, but everyone knew that Jeanette was his mom - he adored her.  
It is so nice now to think back, God gave him the dad he always wanted in Craig and Blake still had hope in his real dad.  God gave him  a love for dogs and blessed him with a Dad that loved dogs as well.  God gave Craig a gift too, the last 3 weeks of Blake's life were spent with Craig cause he was in a transition period and I know that God gave Blake that time as a gift too!  

 Blake loved to hang out and God gave him many friends and cousins that filled his last years here on earth.  He loved school to begin with and then school became such a struggle and yet, in his final years - school was a blessing to him.  He loved his High School buddies and clubs and classes!   God kept him an innocent and pure young man and he met Jesus with a pure heart!  There was never any malice or sin within that kid -- he truly was a special young boy.  

I don't believe he sits or stands in heaven now and watches us.  I totally believe that he has no real concept of time there with Jesus and that is so perfect and content that he has no worries.  

I don't believe he needs to contact us -- but there are still ones here that need him.  

I believe I will meet him again - Revelation states in 21 "Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away and there was no longer any sea. He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light and the Lamb is its lamp.....

Those words, HE will wipe away every tear....that is why I don't believe Blake looks down upon me anymore - HE is with Jesus.  I believe we have no real concept of HOW wonderful HEAVEN is and how there is no care and no worry there.   

I have to believe that HEAVEN is THAT wonderful that we won't cry - it is hard to imagine, as humans here...we can only fathom what we see....

This past week, I mourned this young man in a new way.  I always disliked  that my mom would relate things to 'numbers' and yet, I guess I do the very same thing.  I do relate things to time and to how God uses HIS time to perfect was 5 years ago when I got a phone call on Saturday afternoon.  I had just turned my phone on.  I had just finished DAY #2 of my 60 mile Susan G. Komen walk.  I walked by myself that year.   I was back in my tent and stretching when my sister called me.  

This past weekend, I walked the 60 miles and   God blessed me with a 'Blake' moment on the second day of my walk.  This time, I was with Rachel, my dear friend and I shared my Blake story with her as soon as she awoke on Sunday.   ( read on to hear the Blake story ) 

 This past week, on the 31st, I relived almost every memory of how Blake HATED Halloween and then on the 1st of November, I stayed busy as he went to heaven on the 1st of November ...his FAVORITE day. 

 It was always his favorite cause it was the DAY AFTER Halloween. He hated Halloween.  I laughed with God on Friday...God hates Halloween too -- really -- it is a celebration of 'dead'.  No matter how we 'sugar coat it' or make light of it -- it is a day of evil and its origins are something we all have to make peace with.  

 Hey judgement here......My kids dressed up and we trick or treated and LOVED every moment of it -- until Blake hated it.  But, Blake got over his fears of costumes and the decorations as he got older.  He sort of got 'used to it'.  When I thought of that -- I thought about how many of us 'get used to sin' too....

Lord, forgive me.  Help me see sin for what sin is -- help me to be holy - cause YOU are holy but help me to SHOW love as YOU do ..YOU did...

I think I mourned Blake's passing again in a different way, cause I am different.  I believe I hurt more...and I live more now.   I have freedom to be myself.  I have security in God. 

 Many walls have been torn down in the past two years and I can cry without having to defend myself.  

I can mourn the loss of a child....not for the last time.  I am pretty sure the pain of losing a child never really goes away -- it just gets different.  

My sister said the BEST words to me on the 31st...she sent me a text, "I know you hurt inside too...I luv u.  Thank you for being his "favorite aunt".:)" 

That blessed me so.  

Blake, I don't believe you can hear me this eve -- cause I do believe in heaven-- and I believe that Jesus has looked you in your eyes and has shown you how BLESSED you made others by the life you led and THAT is what brings you the MOST joy now....

But if you could hear me -- I would say----- I love you and I miss you - bunches. 
  And I would tell you that  I miss hearing  'awe, Auntie MECHellllleee'  and I would sit on the couch and watch Texas Walker Ranger with you and I would  tease you about something....

- love you - Aunt Michelle 

PS -- the BLESSING I got on Saturday -- was a God thing. 

 A few days after Blake went to heaven, I was mourning him on my reading couch, rather upset cause I did not feel my family was mourning him like they should.  Both kids were in bed - not talking.  My husband was in bed - not talking and I was by myself in my quiet time position.  I was reading out of the LOVE DARE journal and I wrote in my journal -- "lord, If I could just know he was Ok".  And then I cried myself to sleep, and awoke about 30 minutes later and I was praying and looking towards the ceiling of my living room when all of a sudden, I had a vision of Blake running with his back to me, and I pointed to the ceiling where I saw him running in the grass and I could hear him laughing and I hear it audibly.  I found myself, within a moment, grabbing at the air above me - sort of like I was trying to have that  image  replay itself.  But I realized that within that 5 seconds -- I would not hear it anymore as the laughter had gone faint like Blake had run off -- but it blessed me so.  

It was not until the NEXT day when I returned to that same spot and looked at my journal that I read  what I had written, "Lord, I want to know he is Ok" and God answered that -- right then and there.  

God DOES that -- HE meets us RIGHT then and THERE!  

God gave me another audible on the Saturday night of the walk.  I thought of Blake a lot on Saturday as I walked as I was in pain with feet that wanted to quit, I was in prayer for many people as I walked with God, and I was a little ill too with a tummy ache.  I spent more time walking by myself on Saturday than I did the previous day.  But it was a day for me to reflect and remember and seek God as I walked.  Anyway, that next morning --  I awoke from a dream -- a dream in which I knew I was dreaming but watching the dream take place.  If that makes sense--but it was very clear -- I heard Blake on a recording, and I played it for another so he could hear it.  Blake said, in his voice.."Auntie Michelle, I don't like these pencils you got me, I like my old ones better".  That was something he would say.  When I realized I was listening to Blake, I stopped myself and realized I was in a dream cause Blake was in heaven and with that -- I awoke.  But I awoke - so happy -- ready to start the day and thanking God.  

I believe God did that for me.  
I believe God gives us little signs and tidbits of blessings -- things,  feelings,  situations we need to help get through the grief.
There is something missing -- we are missing something so much, we want to replace it or put something there in its place.  

The only true peace that can fill that spot - is the presence of the Holy Spirit  ----when we realize it is really GOD that gives us those is really GOD that orchestrates the heavens....there is such a peace.  

If you don't have that peace -- SEEK it --and I pray you will see Blake again with me.