Friday, January 25, 2013

a reminder of the year ahead.....ENJOY God...

THIS is copied and pasted from Angela Thomas' blog right after the new year.  I read it then, loved what Mr. Mueller said and read it again this am.

The morning, each morning needs to start with the HOly Word - our LIFE to live and enjoy God in this world.
Lord, may that always come first.
Thank you Lord for the blessings.

We have, through the goodness of the Lord, been permitted to enter upon another year—and the minds of many among us will no doubt be occupied with plans for the future, and the various fears of our work and service for the Lord. If our lives are spared we shall be engaged in those: the welfare of our families, the prosperity of our business, our work and service for Christ may be considered the most important matters to be attended to; but according to my judgement the most important point to be attended to is this: above all things see to it that your souls are happy in the Lord. Other things may press upon you, the Lord’s work may even have urgent claims upon your attention, but I deliberately repeat, it is of supreme and paramount importance that you should seek above all things to have your souls truly happy in God Himself! Day by day seek to make this the most important business of your life. This has been my firm and settled condition for the last five and thirty years. For the first four years after my conversion I knew not its vast importance, but now after much experience I specially commend this point to the notice of my younger brethren and sisters in Christ: the secret of all true effectual service is joy in God, having experimental acquaintance and fellowship with God Himself.
But in what way shall we attain to this settled happiness of soul? How shall we learn to enjoy God? How shall we obtain such an all-sufficient soul-satisfying portion in him as shall enable us to let go the things of this world as vain and worthless in comparison? I answer, This happiness is to be obtained through the study of the Holy Scriptures. God has therein revealed Himself unto us in the face of Jesus Christ.
In the Scriptures, by the power of the Holy Ghost, He makes Himself known unto our souls. . . . [Therefore] The very earliest portion of the day we can command should be devoted to the meditation on Scriptures. Our souls should feed upon the Word. . . . This intimate experimental acquaintance with Him will make us truly happy. Nothing else will. . . . In God our Father, and the blessed Jesus, our souls have a rich, divine, imperishable, eternal treasure. Let us enter into practical possession of these true riches; yea, let the remaining days of our earthily pilgrimage be spent in an ever increasing, devoted, earnest consecration of our souls to God.
– George Mueller
Quoted from George Mueller, A Narrative of Some of the Lord’s Dealings with George Mueller, Written by Himself [Muskegon, Mich.: Dust and Ashes Publications, 2003], pp. 730-732

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

being reflective - one year ago today......

Last year at this time, I was getting ready again to move for the 2nd time in 5 months.  We had sold our home in September of 2011 and moved into a rental.  With the beginning of 2012, God had us moving again.  From late  November to January 23rd, God had me praying for a secret sister in Christ - 40 days of written prayers and a focus on her.   

God knew all the time, that focus was needed in my life as well.  As those months after we moved out of our home of some 17+ years began a new birth of MANY things.  Once we moved away from some of the triggers that were of our past and our broken marriage, God was able to begin again and we created NEW memories and events.  Late November is when we bought the Harley, Brendan began to teach himself from scratch how to ride.  The sales people must of thought we were a bit insane.....Brendan entered that Harley shop with is Polo Jacket and crocs....and a few hours later, was signing papers for a Harley and he had to had it delivered as he has never rode/driven one before.  What faith....or what stupidity?  

Anyway, in that month of December, January and February as we continued on with our counselor and we begin to get connected into our church, God rebuilt and restored.  It took time. 

 ( It is a process and we are still rebuilding.  Something I remember from counsel is that it took 'years' to get to the breaking point, it won't be fixed or better in a week - it takes time!) 

  I felt a calling to pray for this sweet woman whom I have know for many years.  As I said, it kept me focused and all the while -- it kept my eyes on HIS word and it kept me believing in something, the power of prayer.  

So often God will use music as I travel a lot and listen to Christian XM, and certain songs can bring me to tears,  fill me with hope and joy, and encourage me.  Today, I was not feeling well, spent much time in bed, but when I had an errand to run, this  one song came on the radio.  10th Avenue North is a blessed group of godly men that USE HIS word in context...their songs...speak and speak if you are willing to listen. 

 Today I noticed as I read, that one year ago today - I completed the 40 days of prayer for this one sister whom I love.  As I ended the prayer back 40 days ago, I told her I would continue to pray and I have. We have.    I marvel at how God has moved and her children are a part of our lives and how her husband is covered as well, through another dear friend.  Many are in prayer for this family.  From the outside, I am sure many would say all is well, but our spirits discern the enemy is attacking.  I believe there is a legacy of great faith and love around this family and HE wants the entire family in HIS kingdom.  And I can also see that the freedom I want for almost almost....well, I believe it is coming.  Freedom... spiritually, and emotionally, and physically as well.  It really is not important whom this person is, as I believe God uses this blog/therapy of mine as one way, HE can be creative and speak to another, even a total stranger that comes upon this blog today.  

I can attest to that - I found a total stranger on line, a woman, who blogged about her pain and through her writing, God worked and taught and healed, I still follow her blog.  God is big enough to bring this blog to the one who needs to hear it.   Anyway, as I started off, it has been one year.  So,  I just wanted to encourage her - HANG in there, so much has changed and more will......and this song, from 10th Avenue North, is worth the time to look it up on Utube  and listen to it - it will remind you  --

 HE knows you are worn -
HE knows, you need rest - 
HE knows, that it seems the problems just won't ease up or disappear - 
He knows, the heartache you are facing - 
He knows, the hurt and loneliness
He knows, what the future holds, and HE wants to be your everything - 

HE knows that redemption is coming - 

I can attest to that, I have FELT exactly HOW this song speaks...I mean, so many mornings I would awake and go, 'really Lord, another day?'.  I would never want to devalue life, but thinking about being in heaven was certainly more of an incentive than...just dealing with another day.  

I am unaware of whom will read this- I pray it will speak LIFE into you, and I will forward this to my Secret Sister as well and remind her - HE has not forgotten.  

Here are the lyrics of the song - "Worn"  by 10th Avenue North
Be blessed, hang in there - don't give up!  
Tomorrow could be the day for the beginning of redemption and restoration! 

- humbly, Michelle 

I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn 
Yeah I'm worn

Monday, January 21, 2013

You CAN teach an OLD dog new tricks!

I have to share. 

You can teach an old dog new tricks.
God is so merciful and faithful.  HE just is.

OK, this past weekend has been like something out of a 'that's good, ooh, that's bad' book.  I read this one to my students and it speaks about a kid that takes a  balloon out for a nice day to 'fly' and that is GOOD, but then the balloon gets away so that is BAD.  Then the balloon gets tangled in some sort of air plane..that is BAD, but the air plane engine was cutting out so the balloon saves the day..that is GOOD.  You get the idea - right?

Well, the good - HP and his club soccer team were picked to play the National U17 team in Bradenton on Saturday.  Good.  We set off Saturday morn and 100 miles down the road, the car begins to act up and make a noise...BAD.  Several prayers and moments later we hear a 'poof' and well, we pull over.  The Good -- we are right off Hwy 70 and there are parents that are ahead of us that can get HP to the game, but a tow truck will be needed.  BAD.

I INSIST that Brendan go and enjoy the game but he says, "no way", he won't leave me alone in the car for 2 hours as we wait to be towed - that is GOOD- sweet husband.  Tow truck bill is LARGE - BAD.

Anyway, I will stop there.  Sunday morn we had a GREAT service at church.  Sunday night we were blessed to hear Dr. Joe Davis from Southeastern University and he shared about how now, there is medical proof that YOU CAN build new brain cells -- daily.  Our brains are continually changing and new cells ARE being created.  WE have over 100 billion brain cells and they can see by brain scans how we can change our brains - physically....that is GOOD.  VEry GOOD.

There is also proof now that morality has NOTHING to do with DNA - that is another subject.  Our choices is what is the key....our choices.

So he spoke on Romans 12.2.....Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.

God's word is GOOD.  Dr. Davis continued to explain that there is this 'placebo' effect.  In research and studies, there is a 35% variance where neuro-surgeons and geneticists all agree....people are 'healed' by taking a placebos...meaning, they are believing in something higher...something that is not 'so' at the moment and IT IS HEALING them....IT Is working and they have that proof on brain scans.

Well, Of course is FAITH....Believing in something that is unseen -- believing that a husband can be the man you need and the head of the home.  Believing  that you can forgive and live each day with out daily reminders of pain or hurt.  Believing you CAN, trust a GOD that sees all, knows all, and LOVES me...LOVES us just the same.  Tremendous.

So, let me wrap this up.  This weekend, God used the car going dead on us, to show me that my husband has MORE faith in our finances than I do.  Pridefully.....I could not see the silver lining with the news that we did blow the engine on the Accord.  ( It has 197,000 miles on it and is only 4.5 years old) We don't have any extra savings, but we have jobs and we will be ok, but it took that simple illustration to remind me -- God can be trusted.

You see, Dr. Davis stated that in the research that our brains will 'default' to old patterns.  Our brains will default to old patterns....that is the key, we must be willing to STICK out whatever change we want to make for 28 our brain can make a new 'default' pattern.  When we got hit by the car bill, my default went to, 'here we go again, what did I do wrong?'...Brendan has been changing and his brain  said, 'praise God they found an engine for less than $2000 and with install, it will be $2500 and praise God' we have a credit card to put it on for now!'.

We have to renew our minds -- daily.  We have to get past that 28 days to make our brains rethink about choosing the sugar snack instead of a healthy one - get it?

We have to renew our minds, in believing that GOD can heal.
We have to renew our minds, into believing the loved ones around us WILL be saved.
We have to renew our minds, into believing that GOD wins no matter what.
WE have to renew our minds, into believing HIS promises instead of the lies the enemy continues to whisper to us.

We all can change into the image of our God...our Creator.
There is scientific proof that our brains LIKE believing in something that is BIGGER than itself.
There is scientific proof that our brains LIKE believing in something that is Bigger than can be healed.  God will redeem.   A person that seems SO lost and SO far from God...can be that husband or wife or friend that GOD intended him or her to be.

Don't give up!

When bad things happen, I have a tendency to ask God - 'what did I do wrong'.
I am going to CHANGE my default pattern.
God wants me to renew my mind daily and believe HIS promises instead of the pattern of default lies that just come easier.

I hope that is making sense to you as you read was revelation to me this weekend.
I was thinking for sure it was my fault that our car died.  That is how the Enemy lies.

God clearly showed me this weekend that my faith was a big thing.  It still is.  I would say, I was STUBBORN, but God clearly illustrated to me how, I believed in something that was NOT there....I believed in a man and believed he could be what GOD intended.

What a miracle it is to see that happening.  What a joy it is to trust God in each and every thing.  God also clearly showed me that I was not trusting HIM with our finances but that my husband was, I had to SEE I will reprogram my thoughts.

God clearly showed me, to be a do-er...not a sitter.
Be bold Michelle.
You are deeply loved and YOUR new tricks, are needed in the Kingdom.

Lord, thank you - I am humbled.

YOU did GOOD this weekend Lord, thank you for loving me THIS much!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

...break OPEN the skies, YOU are needed Lord!

   THIS is a repost   or an EDITED post that I posted about two years ago, there is someone that needs this prayer today and I needed it too.    I updated it a bit and added to it.  GOD is so creative and HIS word is alive and active -- that is why, HIS word is so relevant!  

I hope, if you are reading this, it blesses you as well, or share it with another.  

Lord, as I rode into work today the sunrise was so spectacular and it opened my eyes.  And Lord, I saw a similar sky as I drove the beginning of the sunset.

  Lord, YOU  blessed a song, "HE'll break open the skies....and save those that cry out HIS  name".  I thought of that, over and over and sang that song in my head today....YOU do break open the skies....YOUR word says that YOU don't want anyone to perish......I am just amazed that YOU love us that much.  And you love us over and over 24/7..... I remember back in February  ( 2011 ) when I had a vision of you, on that horse and you bent down and scooped me up...and placed me on the horse in front of you.  That scooping motion was so real. I could see and and feel it. And then, YOU gave me another vision of that BRIGHT yellow light - YOUR light.  I remember it being so clear and yet so bright that I wanted to look away but I didn't.  And it only lasted a few seconds, but there was such a peace and warmth with it.  Then later in the summer, when I listened to and read the story about Todd Burpo's just all came together and I really believed that I had been privileged enough to experience that yellow - YOUR light and then  that warmth.  It is a vision and a feeling that I will never forget.  I don't share that with too many as some may not believe it is true - but I do.  I used to think all that sort of stuff was just 'freakish' but now, YOU power and how you work is such a mystery and YOU make real things happen.  I see you Lord, as the warrior on the horse, coming in to rescue me.  

I remember back in July of 2009, as I was doing a bible study how YOU seemed to jump out of the DVD and speak to me because I had this bracelet on....and the verse was " I have engraved your name on the palm of my hand ".  The circumstance, the event, the DVD, and well -- it just was like YOU were directly there and telling me.  I know that  I know, you continue to delight me and help my faith get stronger and stronger.   That sunrise this am, that sunset was just another reminder of YOUR power and YOUR love for us.

Lord, I am praying today for my Sister in Christ  and her life.  I consider it a great privilege to pray on her behalf...I want her to experience YOU like I have.  I don't want her to experience any great sadness or hurt ...but I can attest - YOU bring beauty out of ashes and sometimes the blessings come through tears.   Lord, I pray that as she awakes each day, she will see a sunrise and know YOU are there.  I pray she will have a divine Encounter  with YOU Lord, and I also pray that her healing, her life, and her family are being blessed.  Lord, I pray for a total healing for her.  

Lord,  there is hurt within her heart....old hurt that continues to creep in - it has to stop.   Please, Lord, draw her near so she will get that relief.  Open her eyes in such a new way.  

Lord, I pray she would dream tonight and have a vision that would increase her faith and give her great hope.  Lord, YOU are in this...YOU inspire these prayers, may they not only give her hope but may she really believe that YOU will heal her as YOU break open the skies ....and she would see you in a new and real way. Amen.

In Christ, 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

being real and sharing/ Dear Mrs. Alone...

It is January and the new year.  I have not posted or written in a bit - spent much of my vacation reading good things but watching bad Reality TV - ha. 

Honey Boo Boo - is just sad.  Just saying. 
Duck Dynasty is good, just good.
Hot in Cleveland  - Betty White is funny, but again it is usually adult humor and well, I am sort of getting convicted of that.... I went back to watching the Brady Bunch and Full House - that is safer. 

God has reminded me over and over, how HE is changing me.  Some of that 'stuff' is just no longer funny and I DO NOT want nor wish to be thought of as a prude, but you know that old saying that we taught to our kids, "hey ...would  you watch that show with Jesus sitting next to you?"
Well, I had someone ask that of me - WHOA.  Just WHOA.  God changes people. 

But the NEATEST thing about it...I am not judging if others want to watch it -- it is just that I don't want to - the DESIRE is no longer!   Guess I am becoming a grown up - !!!  

I love you Lord, but I digressed....the title of the blog post is Dear Mrs. Alone.  I am going to REPOST something cause God asked me to.  Again I will share, I read this book by Debi Pearl some time ago  - at a time I was desperate to read anything that would give me answers, but I read it at God's appointed time.  As I said, it is a tough read, a HARD thing to swallow -- as it deals mostly with submission to our husbands and what that really looks like. And with today's 'women' and how I was raised, it was a difficult read.  You have to read it and ask God to give you peace, as there is much in there that goes against how I behaved or acted, but I wanted to be obedient and do it GOD's way - as I know HIS way is best.  So it meant RETEACHING my brain stuff and rethinking about stuff.  Hard! 

Over the holidays, between family,  extended family, and reading several blogs  I became aware again of some  more hurting wives...and prayers began.  And I asked God over and over -- use me, and I believe that is why I am posting again and speaking out this eve.   I would hope that they would read this post and rethink.   As I have come to find out there are people that read this that I don't know but they know of me.  And I am praying now, as there are several different people that come to mind just this moment as I type, but I know that GOD has so many more out there...that are just too quiet and shy to think or believe that God can CHANGE their marriage too.  

HE can.

 Just rethink.  I was searching on the Internet one night last month, late,  and came across some old Angela Thomas videos where she was being interviewed and she spoke about making a conscience effort to CHANGE some old habits and making a CHOICE to rethink and renew her mind, especially after becoming single with four children and what she was going to do 'next'. It does take a LOT Of HARD work and prayer to change something or to believe that GOD will win. 

However, it also takes some steps of faith and swallowing one's PRIDE and SEEKING some professional help when it is needed.  ( I go to the dentist for a toothache...I go to a dermatogolist when I know I have an unusal spot why can't I go and seek some professional help on personal stuff?)   I have heard my husband say it over and over, "the definition of insantity is doing the same thing over and over".  So many of us do that.   I think we, as women,  get very good at putting things under the rug and just going on.    WE find every excuse, especially the money aspect, but yet we spend money on stuff that does not matter. 

I have seen it SO many times and have read it in MANY books....if you don't deal with the hurt, the pain, and the problem --- it will just come back in another form.  Watch Dr. Phil, he says that almost each day.  ( Sort of glad I am going back to school - tired of those type of shows. I just want to reach in the TV and shake up the wife or woman ..even the man at times and go - WAKE up...SEEK God...pray and PUT AWAY your pride.......get the help! ) 

Get the help.....
There is NO SHAME in stating... "we are seeking a marriage counsleor"...."we are seeking a psychologist"...."we are seeking a sexologist" a CHRISTIAN one who values marriage!!!!!!!!!!!

  Praise God we found one that was  all three...all four....Just saying and BEING real here.....I am TIRED of seeing couples just push things under the rug.  ( And please, I am being very honest and real and pouring my heart out here, so please read this, ponder it, act on it, do something but call and talk to me if you want too...don't talk about me and this subject if I am no where near.  I would NEVER want to dishonor God nor my husband in sharing this, but I believe God wants me to speak up and HE will protect it.)

 Dig deep.  I promise YOU.....I Promise YOU...what HE has waiting for you on the other pure is such a new and different marriage on the other side of this freedom.   Your marriage does not have to be in DEEP turmoil to get MUCH from reading the Debi Pearl book...but, I know God will use it to change something.  God did not intend for you to have a stale and loveless marriage.....all that SECULAR stuff you see on Christian Mingle .com...or whatever mingle .com...or in the movies...CAN happen in healthy CHRISTIAN marriages....but be real. 

Ok,  that was my 'soap box' there - been praying for weeks about sharing and saying that and tonight  is the night to spill...but as I stated, I wanted to repost the letter titled  Dear Mrs. Alone....and I did not copy, cut and paste it this eve, I typed it out as I needed to read it again.  EAch day I renew my mind, I make a choice to forgive, and live and act in the freedom God granted to me, so I grant that to others.  I am BAR FAR NOT perfect...OH LORD, I am NOT.  And I fail ...moment by moment, as my flesh is very real and very selfish...very selfish, but I know what God did for me, so I will try my best to be obedient to HIM.  And in return, HE continues to be faithful, merciful, and gives so much more BACK to me, that I pray...I will NEVER forget the HARD it has brought me to here...brought us to here...and it will save another's marriage...some day, I know, God will use us. 

So here is that letter:
 Lord for the one or two or whomever YOU have reading this post today - may they read it, ponder it, act upon it..give them the courage to do something HARD and begin to seek the godly counsel through their Pastor or Church and may they also seek Professional help if it is needed...YOU will guide and direct, I know it - make it clear.  I know You heal and I am thankful for that - I pray that this blog post  was pleasing to  You; protect this post in a way like never before, as the Enemy will use it to hurt cause he hates it when YOU win.  Amen. 

Dear  Mrs. Alone, 
Thank you for your letter.  Your letter is something women should read so I am placing it in my book for others to read.   Sincerely, Debi Pearl
Dear Mrs. Pearl,
       I would like to tell my story, that others may be warned, I am alone but never thought I would be.  I made many mistakes in my marriage but I wish someone would of pulled me aside and given me some advice. I hear many young marrieds or women complaining, but they need to seek God's word, they need to be open to the truth.
     The things I did or failed to do were not everyday, constantly overt, or in the face actions.  They were subtle, ebbing and flowing, but there - nonetheless.
     When my husband acted shelfishly at home, allowed his temper to flare, and sometimes said curse words, and then went to church and acted spiritual, I wish I had prayed positively for him instead of withdrawing a little emotionally from him and letting my cynicism and lack of confidence in him be so manifest.  I wish I had openly showed love and acceptance to him for himself, not impatiently wait until he acted right. 
     When my husband failed the children, failed to have devotions, failed to be spiritual, failed to lead as he shoud, I wish I had completely trusted God and maintained unity, honor, reverence, and submission with a glad and trusting heart. I wish I had kept the children honoring him and praying for their dad instead of allowing my martyred attitude to mainfest itself so openly.
     When he made a statment about someone or something, I wish I had not always put his opinion down, letting him know he was wrong again.
     When he acted like a jerk, I wish I had remained quiet and prayed for him, loved him anyway instead of letting him know what I thought about him and his actions.  (personal note...we are not talking about being abused - that is very different)
     When he tried to make it up to me, for some failure, I wish I had not been so cool, waiting for him to suffer a little more and be more intense and sincere about his apology.
     When he spent money I thought we did not have, I wish I had remainded quiet and trusted God. I wish I had shown continued confidence in him, regardless of his actions and decisions.
     When he wanted me to do something, I did not want to do, I wish I had cheerfully complied instead of making him sorry he asked.  Hardheadedness is not a trait to endear any woman to a man.
     When he needed a woman to believe in him, admire him, approve of him, accept him, regardless of his failures, I wish now that I had been the one to give him those things.
     When I thought keeping his faults before him, just small things he did and said, and keeping myself a little standoffish in my approval of him, was the only way he would chnage -- I wish someone would of taken me aside and told me how badly mistaken I was to think that it was MY place to apply and keep the pressure on.
     When he was in the company of family and friends, I wish I had not taken on a martyred air when he left to go off and doing something on his own.
     When he did not know how to show love, and I felt a void emotionally, I wish I had borne all things and hoped all things and loved him unconditinally, instead of giving up inside and turning to friends and family for my emotional support and needs.  I never saw the need to endear myself to him.  I took for granted that he would fulfill the husband's moral obligation to love me.  I wish I had gone to "God's beauty school" for the whole woman.
     I wish someone would of told me.
Sincerely, Mrs. Alone

Tough read?  I had my therapist read this and give me her opinion on it.  She reminded me that physical abuse is something that HAS to be addressed and we both felt that was not the case with Mrs. Alone.  Verbal abuse these days can cause just as much harm and this book was written almost 40 years ago - so much has changed.  Girls are being raised differently, family structure is different, but I still believe this letter speaks to many.  I believe the main idea is show unconditional love.  Unconditional. 

I got married young.  I had no idea.  Our counselor reminded us that many that get married young just get married cause that was what was NEXT...the life begins, kids happen, and all of a sudden you realize - where are we?  Who am I?  and ...well....Anyway, Christian marriages should be different -- Jesus should radiate so much from our lives and our walk that others WANT what we have...but, some of us just need a good revial and renewal of sorts.  Please, if this was for you this eve..I pray that God will show you exactly what to do next. 

With much love,

Please don't give up...God wins.
 HE can restore and give back what the locusts have taken.
 You can win your husband to the Lord by YOUR actions and your walk with Christ....and if you both claim to love the Lord, see justice, love mercy and walk humbly - micah 6.8 ...but get the help needed.  Don't allow Pride and what others think to STOP  you.

And don't allow the Enemy to steal your inheritance--if you and your man need to seek just some spiritual forgiveness for the stupid actions of your youth, whether they were 'ok' back then and under the influence of others....well....still...God is speaking to you to make a CLEAN start, there is freedom in confession-then do it, start clean and fresh.  There is no condemantion in Christ Jesus, but HE has to be first - there can't be any other gods..any gods.....any.