This week has been a blur, today Brendan said the week had gone by so slow; however, for me - it has been a array of emotions and experiences and blessings and GOD speaks to me again but it was a FAST week!
This Monday there was a personal situation that floored me- took me back, or really set me back. It has to do with my profession, but it made me stop, rethink, relook, and self-question EVERYTHING about myself and what I do and how I do it. Funny how one person's words and opinions can totally stop you and make you rethink. And, in the middle of it and in the aftermath of it, as I took it personally, I relied on HIS word for comfort and strength, but still those fleshly words shouldn't have made THAT much of a difference - and yet it did.
I am human.
Then Tuesday, I got the privledge to listen to Gov. Mike Huckabee at the Okeechobee Pregnancy Center Gala. What a beautiful evening, beautiful setting, sitting with beautiful friends, and yet even then, there was an element of awkwardness that had to be realized and dealt with - another personal matter. Within the first 30 minutes of sitting there, I felt like saying, 'really God'...'when it rains, it pours?'........
I am human.
Then Wednesday began. I had a task at hand. There are a group of woman, as I type, in Titusville at an Encounter Weekend. They traveled the trip, prepared their hearts to take a weekend and seek some one on one time with God and one of them is my girl, my first born. I have prayed and planned, that I would be a prayer warrior. Not only for her but for the other women going. So, I fasted and prayed and asked God to speak.
I am human...but by Wednesday, I was feeling SO much better. Physically God was healing my head cold. In my classroom, a few positive encounters with parents proved to my fleshy heart and head that I am 'not so bad', and in the area of other stuff....God spoke! The past few days have been such a blur cause they passed by so fast.
When we dwell on the yuck...time goes so slow, when we really seek HIM...time flies.
........... Simple lesson that I continually have to learn and relearn!
God spoke to me directly on Tuesday night. HE sort of put me in MY PLACE....humbled me a bit, no, a lot and reminded me HOW BIG HE really is. I will confess. On Tuesday, I did not come face to face with the one I blamed for the heartache in my marriage, but that person was there, I saw her and God spoke. Now I am being very honest here, and trusting that if you are reading this, you love me and will hold my confidence - but seeing her was very hard. Just hard. Hard. Awkward. Did she know I was there? How real is God? HOW much does HE prepare us for what we will encounter? For the past month, I had been dealing with some feelings and thoughts and guess what? I had written her a card. I had prayed and talked to God and felt that a card was the answer. I did -- I had thought that. I did. I had picked it out - it was the perfect card. It was a card that was my favorite to receive and it just simply stated that God loved her. And I wrote: you are forgiven. That is the truth. She is. Very simple, no need for other words. And I prayed and prayed about how to get it to her, and with God's direction, it was in my purse for when HE orchestrated a meeting and I felt peace. Funny.....God knew, HE so knew.
But my head had some other 'rational' feeling that she needed to read that card...that she needed to know that so that she could be healed and move on. .......Yep, that was my thinking. Funny. I realize I have not blogged in a bit, maybe being too personal right this moment and maybe sharing too much, but...my emotions and thoughts have been ALL over the place and many times in the past 2 1/2 years since the sin was revealed, I have written stuff in private but it was not for anyone else to read, but anyway, through much counsel and study, I believe I have always acted and behaved in the best way, showing kindness, forgiveness and mercy. But like I said, I had this card in my purse and I was sincere. However, God, gently, but MOST perfectly reminded me, "am I not God? ....Can I not see to it that my children have what is needed? Can I not provide for her what is needed in her healing?.....Do you really think it is up to you- michelle?"
HE reminded me of a word HE gave me months ago - the pain won't kill you.
Now, mind you, it was not an audible voice, but it was so real and I knew that I knew that I knew, and then I laughed. "you are God...I am so sorry. To think that it was 'up' to me, forgive me Lord!" Instantly, my stomach ache disappeared. I suddenly listened and enjoyed the speaker instead of allowing my flesh to take over my thoughts and I laughed to myself and at myself with God. I have been 'hit' or scolded often in my life....I can handle the way God does it so much better, than maybe when a parent, friend, or boss does it. But anyway.....I pulled out that card, ripped it in half and well, it is over. And I believe even MORE healing occurred. HEALING is a process....I love how it comes in stages and steps as HE continually shows me how loved I am.
I am sure that in this small town, there may be another event or something where our paths will cross and HE will have that all handled as well! However, now I can see how HE closed a door.
And in that, on Wednesday, God reminded me of this: I am loved. When I say, "I love you Lord".....I started to say "I love you too"...in response. Like I could hear God say that, "I love you too!". As I heard Beth Moore speak about this...God put that thought and feeling of love into my heart first...HE loved me first, that is why I can LOVE HIM......so for Wednesday and the rest of the week, every time I said or thought, "I love you Lord"....I immediately repeated to myself, "I love you too"....and it has helped in the healing and believing department. Until this area is completely healed...I believe God was saying, "let me remind you often - I LOVE you too!"......Then I asked God, "ok, what is something I need to share with the ladies at the Encounter if they ask?" And HE reminded me.....the healing will be complete....hold on....believe......God's faithfulness is like human faithfulness - only PERFECT. HIS love is absolute and HIS promises are irrevocable.
So therefore, I have no reason to have a stomach ache...this life is temporal - the pain won't kill me....
And another thing.....Pride....we must watch out for our pride. We must surrender our Flesh to the Holy Spirit and be willing ....
I believe this is for the ladies or a few of the ladies at the Encounter -
1Peter 3: 8-9 The message:
Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, and be humble. That goes for ALL of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless -- that is your job, to bless. you'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.
I believed I was being loving with that card...I believe I was trying to bless...but I believe God knew, no, HE knew my motive. I don't think I wanted to acknowledge my heart's true motive. I really believed I knew what to do. My heart's motive was really one of spiritual 'arrogance'....I was 'better' than her...and I needed to help her heal....THAT is SO not the case.
Even as I write and edit this post and rethink.....I am floored that I DID not see that until God revealed it to me.
I realize that I may 'deal' with this thorn in my side for the rest of my life -- and that is OK, it keeps me RIGHT close to Jesus and holding firm....and I am reminded of:
Romans 8:18...What we suffer now, is nothing compared to the glory HE will reveal to us later! Amen.
And finally, this goes with the other 'two' words I got from HIM this week -- which were for ME as much as maybe it is for the some of the ladies at the encounter....
Deut 33: 26-27
"There is no one like God of Israel, He rides across the heavens to help you, across the skies in majestic splendor. the eternal God is your refuge, and HIS everlasting arms are under you, He drives out the enemy before you and cries out DESTROY them!"
I know that each and every lady at that Encounter this weekend will hear directly from God and HE will provide EXACTLY what is needed within their lives...whether I pray or not, HE is able. However, with my prayers and my diligence.....I am also blessed as our prayers MOVE God....we Bless HIM with our praises and our worship. I LOVE being a friend of HIS...and I love that HE has my first born - in every which way!
Lord, thank you for the revelations YOU gave me this week. Again, I know - YOU do this often, I am just not as in tune, forgive me Lord. No, I believe you do this constantly and each moment, but I am just not listening.
Lord thanks for the love...I love you too....continue YOUR healing of my heart, my head, and our lives....thank you. Thank you for winning!