Sunday, November 11, 2012
.....a door is closed - for GOOD!
This was the very first verse that came to be or was shown to me by Our Lord when a certain earthquake hit me.
It is a verse that is big and bold on the first page of my bible. It is a verse I paraphrase often - love covers a multitude of sins.
Multitude is a good word. Multitude means LOTS.....and I must say here, multitude covers me as well.
I shared a few posts ago that another big healing had occurred and a door was closed. I have been formulating this blog post in my brain now for a good few days. Yesterday as Brendan and I were on the Harley and riding, I wrote it and rewrote it in my head about 4x. It is personal, but as I share I trust that the loved ones who read it care about me and care enough to hold it. I mean, I want to be used by God in every and all situations HE places me in, but I don't wish to be a tabloid or an excuse for gossip.
But as I said, a door has closed. How do I know? I read a few older blogs that I wrote back in June and July of this year. Wow - yep, the door is closed. I recently pulled out all of my journals from the past 2 1/2 years and read, cried, praised God, and read some more -- Wow, YEP the door has closed.
And I found this quote from Beth Moore, "who I am and what I struggle with are not the same thing!"...Wow and WOW again. THAT quote is truth to me now. And God reminded me that what I struggle with ...are new things...not 'that' thing.
I am going to be very personal here now. My husband and I were married for 20 years and I thought ALL was very well. However within that year, I would begin to notice things. By the next year I was in counsel and my nephew had gone to be with Jesus. I still had no idea to which the extent was, I knew he ( my husband ) was no longer in love with me but I figured and could see he no longer loved the Lord so THAT was the problem. I never knew, how far back the Enemy had snuck in, but it was revealed in HIS timing over 2 1/2 years ago. I have posted about this before, 'the phone call', but God had been preparing me. I had no idea. In hindsight, several have asked me, 'you really did not know?'. And I didn't, we both were deceived. A deceiver or liar gets really good at the lies and a person watching can get really good at just believing - 'this too shall pass'. And everytime I tried to address the situation, something would give me hope. A door closed or the liar that was whispering in my husband's ears was in control. A deceiver is deceived. So, no.... I did not know but I knew in my spirit we were heading for a big fall. And all the 'tell tale signs' that many will tell you are warning signs, I choose to keep to myself and ignore them. That is how I survived.
The sin was very public- it seemed everyone knew. But only God really knew of my own sin and my affair as well -- with idolatry and pride. My husband's choices brought forth an earthquake of knowledge, questions, pain, hurt, therapy, and more hurt but also of rediscovery, faith, and hope and I can say this - it brought me to my knees in a way in which HAD to be done. Enough said. But you see that door is closed. I can talk and even laugh about it now as it is in our past.
God showed me clearly on November 1st that I was NOT to bring it up, use it as a teaching point, or even dwell on it. And God had done the work already...so that was an easy task. Now, the triggers will still come, and consequences of sin just don't disappear, but THEY have NO hold on me. NONE. And when the Enemy tries to sneak in a low blow, praise God I have a husband now that will pray for me and we can talk about it.
I know that if God brings someone to me to minister to, as she is a wife who thinks her husband is having an affair, or if she has known revelation to the fact - HE will use me and that is ok then....to minister, but it no longer needs to be the filter to which I run everything through. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me now.
In fact, God has used Brendan more in situations than I and that is so of God - HE does not follow the same pattern, HE is creative and new every time and HE is not contained in a box! And God is such a sweet God, ever so caring, ever so aware of my secret prayers and secret hurts that want some 'restitution'. And, HE has taken away some of those WANTS I wanted....to be shown to me and HE has shown me that HE has this. And now, I don't have to know the 'why'......I don't have to have it make sense....I don't have to have the details ( as God has revealed what I needed to know and that was all) and I don't catch myself thinking, 'well, Lord when I get to see you - YOU are going to explain WHY it had to be THIS way'....cause I trust HIM and it is over. The door is closed.
It was sort of a supernatural way...the way it happened on November 1st. I was speaking with some new friends and the exact details of the situation are not that important and maybe too personal, but I know that I know - GOD gently disciplines me, and shows me when I have misspoken or when I have shared something that NO longer needs to be mentioned. I know that I know - I would rather have God discipline me that the 'humans' around me. HE is kinder and I believe I take it better!
And I am sharing, cause now that I have put it in print, and shared my heart - I believe IT CAN help another. I believe in marriage. I believed that I loved a man that did a bad thing. And God placed a love in me that I could not deny. God used godly men and woman all around me to pray with me, for me, and encourage me. God showed me in HIS word what I needed to do, and when I did not want to do that anymore, HE placed the right people in front of me to encourage me.
God said 'stop' and the sin was revealed in HIS time and then the HARD part began, but I have witnessed a miracle - something that was totally dead be brought back to life. That was a love for HIM. I saw a man who the Enemy had a hold of and who believed the enemy's lies....and I watched how slowly...and perfectly....HE (God) changed him. And in turn, I learned TONS. REceived MANY gifts and learned what it truly meant to love the Lord, what it meant to ALLOW God to meet all of my needs, and in the process I learned how to be a helpmeet for my husband. I really learned that WHO I was in Christ and what we were struggling with -- were NOT the same thing. No matter what, I was deeply loved. Blessed, forgiven, accepted, adopted, and redeemed. Amen.
I am going to come back to this post in a few weeks, months, and in a year when I am faced with a new struggle and be reminded of WHAT GOD does...and know that I know, HE gave me the verse, Love covers a multitude of sins...because that was me -too. HE covered it all. For me. For my husband. For our marriage. For our kids. Even you --
I also know that when facing a trial, not everyone has the strength to continue and move forward and therefore, I won't judge another. God knows. And when a woman wants to quit or they don't have the strength to move forward and allow God to do a miraculous healing - that is OK too! But, I am called and we are called to be a support and to pray for others and be Jesus to others. I believed I heard God tell me to show Brendan HIS grace and mercy and that is what I tried to do. That is what I still try to do for anyone that comes across my path.
If you are reading this and in a frustrating marriage, or a loveless marriage, or even in just a season of doubt, HE can bring life to the death. Be strong, have faith, don't give up. Love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4.8
HE can also work after the divorce or after the separation. HE can work AFTER the affair - as HE restores. We just need to give HIM the time to DO HIS work.
First make sure YOU are right with the Lord. Look inside yourself and seek HIM. Then slowly take the necessary steps to change your circumstances, seek HIS word and HIS godly counsel. Seek professional counsel, both Brendan and I suggest that OFTEN. Find a Christian Therapist! Find one that believes in marriage, find one that will speak truth - it is NOT easy, but it is WORTH it! Fast and pray and when it gets harder - FAST more and PRAY more, don't give up if you want HIS perfect will.....HIS will is NOT a penalty. HE wins. ...which means, we win...
Please don't be afraid. You were meant to live with freedom and in joy as you walk with HIM. We were created for so much more. There is such liberty in HIS grace and mercy.
Thank you Lord for closing this door. When we sold the house and moved to the first rental, my prayer was one of a scared woman - I had no idea of what was coming. But I knew YOU were in control - who else could of sold our home in 5 weeks and provided for a new spot to rebuild. Lord, the harder part was the restoration. Lord, just a year ago, I was 'scared' about taking a photo of us, 'scared' about talking about the triggers that were constant. I was 'scared' about being myself. Lord, I was taking one step at a time, and reminding myself that I could maybe trust him. And well, Brendan too, I could see that he had been so deceived and that he still was not grabbing his bible for the answers...but there was so much more. Then in a leap of faith, and a real physical leap of faith - getting on the back of a Harley with a man who had never rode a bike before...that took faith and time. Little by little ....you mended. Then came the days of travel, and new experiences. And Lord, you provided another new spot - the VERY spot, the ONLY house I wanted to live in...exactly one year after he had moved out for the '2nd' time....YOU timing - amazing. Then came the first signed 'i love you'...then the words...then the responses....little by little, YOU guided and in hindsight I can now see some of the 'why'. Lord, YOU continue to amaze me. Lord, then the hunger for your word....slowly but it was there! Lord you continue to heal and build trust and Lord, YOU have shut this door. I promise not to open my mouth and share about the personal stuff unless YOU tell me too but thank you for this outlet of therapy, of being able to write about it. It has been a tool you used. Lord, if You should bring anyone else to Brendan or me, may we be discerning enough to LET you lead and to know what to pray and say. Lord, YOU are my dear friend, my comfort and my source of strength. Lord, we have walked through a valley....facts say it has been almost 9 years now...only YOU know exactly when we both walked away from YOU. Only YOU saw the beginning and the end. Why you heal some instantly and others in time, why You have given us a 2nd chance, means that YOU have much more for us to share and do for YOUR kingdom. Lord, I love you, more than my husband. Thank you for forgiving me and my affair with the world. I am humbly honored that YOU thought that highly of me and my man. Lord, as my life verse says - I wish to me YOUR light - may they see YOU in me. May they see YOUR grace and mercy in me!