my blue period . . .

I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a teacher but most importantly, I am blessed, chosen, accepted, adopted, redeemed, and forgiven. I am a woman who wants people to see God's light and love in me and through me. But I was also a person who really did not understand all this or what it meant to fall in love with my Savior and make HIM Lord, until recently.

I grew up in a farm and went to a parochial school and heard about Jesus every day, prayed everyday, and I knew and believed that HE died for my sins. I grew up- my childhood was with its normal dysfunction, yelling, and heartache - but I love and honor the childhood God allowed. No regrets. I met a young man at the age of 15 who - besides being extremely cute, he knew he was going to heaven and I sort of thought I may get there. That intrigued me. I had never seen this or heard this before and besides, he was different than all the rest.

Dating started, high school, tennis matches, movies, college, and marriage, and two children and 23+ years later . .I found myself a few years ago really asking myself, Did I love God? I watched and witnessed these 'freaks' as I would think about them -- "how can they be that happy?". And I would tell myself, "oh, because that is what it is to love God . .that is how I am suppose to be". I am a teacher who loves to teach my students about Art History. Picaso is a famous artist because he just did what he wanted, he had a cubism period, a blue period followed by a rose period and he scupted as well as drew very traditional works. His blue period was a time of great sadness in his life. I would say that most of my adult/family time with our kids was a ROSE period. Happy. However, and I can only speak for myself, as time passed . . . . . a WORDLY /BUSY period came. I believe we allowed the business of this world to steer us off the better path or narrow path. I had already realized some ten years ago, I did not possess the hunger for God's word. Nor was I allowing HIM to speak and guide my life, as I believed I knew what to do.

God got my attention. He allowed my 'blue period". Something entered our lives and it dropped me to my knees so that I could only look up. The details are minor now, in the past, what did become very clear is that I became very aware of my sin. I became aware of my 'worldly' period where idolatry, pride, selfishness, lust, greed, lying, and other sins were my focus and that I was not in love with My Lord. I knew enough to call him Savior but not enough to call him LORD.

That changed. HE had to kill other loves in me, so that HE could restore me one moment, one prayer, one blessing at a time . Until today, when I can now say, Jesus Christ is not only my Savior but HE is LORD. I am HIS. I am blessed, chosen, accepted, adopted, redeemed, and forgiven. Because the Holy Spirit convicted me, I was able to forgive the 'blue' and one day at a time, allow God to rebuild me with more faith and trust in God that I have never before experienced. Never. Even as I type this, again today - HE amazes me. To learn to have total faith in HIM, to live knowing Christ is alive in me, and to be free from the strongholds that I was not even aware of ---- IS Tremendous. Freedom.

I found out in this 'blue period', that I did not understand what it took to love someone in the proper way, as I did not really love or trust God. Now I do. I am no longer in a 'blue period' but now I am in the 'son period' and HIS sunshine is ever such a reminder of how HE can make us new. I am most humbled that MY Lord, waited some 44 years for me to really fall in Love with HIM. Now, I just want people to see HIM in me. I want to be a warrior for my family, friends, and the lost around me. God is using me. I want to be used. Nothing FREAKS me out anymore - and I understand how someone would want to be called a Jesus Freak. I know God has great things in line for me. I know I am in the Center of HIS will. I know that season of knowledge and discovery was ordained long before I was a glimmer in my mom's thoughts some 45 years ago. HIS timing is most perfect. HIS will is not a penalty. HE wants us to thrive not just survive. HE came to set the captives free. I was a captive. I am now free.

The hunger for HIS word is here now.

I would now say, that God has been adding the color of the 'son' .. .to my blue period and you know what blue and yellow make? Green.

Green represents growth . . .I am growing .. and I will continue to grow as when I am finished, I get to be harvested.

And I know where I am going.

I am going home.

I love you Lord, but I know you love me even more.

Michelle