The Story of Marriage

There are several women around me that are married.  I am married.

 My husband and I have been praying and getting ready to help 'host' a marriage series at our church.   I am so excited.  I am practically giddy doing some planning with a few others and then--

The Enemy sets in.

Since Thursday, I have been 'fighting'  every sort of silly thought and word that has come to my ears.  My poor husband has been fussed at -- much.  Maybe only 1/4 of the fussing was deserved -- LOL -- I literally felt my flesh LOOKING for something to 'nag' about.  That...is NOT good.

He even said to me, "are you looking for a fight?".

It dawned on me -- the enemy WAS attacking the VERY thing that was getting me excited.  That marriage series.   As I would plan, something  of  him would drive me crazy and ever so slowly, the enemy sneaks in.  But I recognized it.   Now, that DOES NOT make the attack disappear right away -- it just makes me aware and in prayer!

And I apologized on Friday and today to my husband!

 I have had the ENTIRE weekend to myself.  I have been battling, physically,  with a weird cough that finally got the best of me on Friday and a sweet Doctor prescribed me some  medicine.  So today was spent napping, taking medicine and then reading and watching the TV.

  And thinking....And talking to God.    It has been a glorious day - in between the coughing spells where I felt my guts would be puked up and then sweet comforts from the Holy Spirit and blessings.

 ( One sweet blessing:  Hunter started his FAU soccer game this eve and finished -- a FIRST  for him.  Lately I have been praying that he would SEEK God about his soccer career, as this season he has not had much playing time. I am believing and praying that he will   seek God about his next decisions.  And well, he played this eve.  THAT blessed me, even if I could not watch it - he was in Virginia.  But I got a text, thankxx mummzy!)

  My man went to the SWAMP which  kept the house even more quiet cause we are empty nesters.

In pondering something and while in prayer for a sister in Christ, I was guided to a journal.

  I happened to grab a journal of mine and did some 'old' reading.  Now with that physical cough nagging me, and it  is also that TIME of the month-- I am WELL aware of my emotions and hormones. Therefore,  I was careful when I was pulled to this one journal but I believe the Lord, led me to read it -- to remind of something.

As I said, there are several married woman around me.  Several in tough marriages, several in marriages that are in crisis and others that are just dead.  And yet...there are some thriving  that need some 'tweeks' here and there.  NOTHING is perfect.  My own marriage is a work in progress.  We tease each other now that we are in the 2nd half...the better half... and I agree, but it is a daily thing.  A daily thing  to choose to be a 'better' person.  A daily thing to look to GOD for the needs being met and to SEEK HIM for guidance  to be an encourager and not the 'holy spirit' of my spouse.

My daughter came to pick up her puppy a few minutes ago and she reminded me of the verses in Corinthians about unconditional love and she read me a devotional post about WHAT love looks like.

It quickly put the past 4 days into perspective.  And, God reminded me of that journal.

Love covers a multitude of sins.  Love does not envy.  Love is not proud, jealous and it does not rejoice in the injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.   Love never gives up.  Love does not lose faith and endures.

The journal is my talking to God - writing notes to HIM.  I have journaled for years.   Right after my husband and I separated, I had a burning party.  And I burned up 14+ years of journals - it was a hasty decision and yet a good one.  I did not wANT to go backwards and be able to read  the 'hurts' that I had written about for the few years prior to our separation.  A marriage just does not 'fall apart' in one day.  It is a slow fade....and so often there is an incident that forces a separation or a major infraction  but the hurt has been brewing  - slowly - baking for a long time!!   ( Therefore it will take TIME to get it changed around.)  

I digressed,  that journal was   from October through  December of several years ago.  It was during the last month of our, six month,  separation and the first  two months into our 'reconciliation' period where therapy started.  Therapy that we paid for - literally - professional weekly therapy.    This is the real personal part.   And I am not rewriting this or sharing cause I want to drag up old stuff -- but God showed me a powerful insight.  And I believe there is a woman that needs to read this tonight and know, that there is always HOPE.

And,  I did not read those pages to recall any hurts  -- on purpose.   I was in prayer for a few couples and I believe HE took me to that journal to remind me and give me some empathy and yet HOPE.

But, as I read those pages where I would come home from therapy and chronically detail the conversations and what "he said" and then my reactions to  "I could not believe he said that"......

Well, it was very clear -- we are a walking miracle.  However, throughout the pages, I would cry out to God and say.."please ..I can't take it anymore -- I can't pray for a miracle one more time.." and I would end that entry with – “I will keep my focus on YOU Lord. “ 

Then I would read another  entry a few days later and I was doing the EXACT same thing, "I can't take it anymore".  Over time,  I noticed how my pleads to God began to change, and I was taking ownership of how I needed to change and what I needed to do -- I needed to FOCUS on GOD and not my husband.

 I read one entry, shortly after Thanksgiving,  where I pushed my husband to say IT. Again.   And he did.  He said, "I don't love you. I don't want to be here with you. I don't believe I ever loved you” Now, maybe  I should not have  shared  that - but up until then, it was usually implied or only said within therapy or when he was fighting mad and it never really SANK in.... and yet on that day, I can tell in my entry that it made my eyes open.

 And my next words to God were, "that is it... I can't live with ALL of my love and devotion being poured into another human...a man...him...it has to be YOU Lord...that is FIRST, period and end of story."    

And then, as I wrote more, the Holy Spirit was speaking to me and comforting me and I wrote something very profound.  I wrote, " I don't believe it Lord, Yes...I have placed him as an idol before You but now I understand that You are to be first, but I don't believe he does not love me and our family.  As if he didn’t , he would of left us years ago...he would NOT be in our home now, and he would NOT be so torn up about 'what to do'."  And I wrote to myself "...that is YOU speaking to me - isn't it God? "  And I believe I heard – “yes it is! “ 

“I think it is important to note that the enemy lies – constantly.  If it is not noteworthy, praiseworthy, kind, good --  then it is NOT from God and it is NOT to be taken personally”.

I noticed the entries after that -- were  hard to read.  Several of them were too sloppy but, others were very brief.   I would state the yuck of the day, but  then I would end the days events with a positive.  In reading back, there was more good and hope.  I know now, I just survived each day and continued to fight in prayer.   I made a conscience decision to follow HIS Word and believe in a miracle.  Faith.  And there were constant reminders from two ladies that were standing in the gap for me.  Praying.   And I continued to seek godly counsel and went to my church family for fellowship on a regular basis.   And I sought  prayer too.  Several entries were just, "God I am believing that tomorrow will be better – but if you want to come back to earth while I sleep, I will see you in the light.  LOL".  

  And there were several copies of  emails and entries where I was just bombarding my husband with the thoughts that he SHOULD act on and so forth.    In fact, I laughed today as I read them, but  one particular day, I sent him 3 different emails on the same day.  EAch of them, as I read them now, poured out my heart, but NOW I realize that he just read them as YUCK.  And ... GUILT.  As he has told others, "when you are in sin and not in a relationship with God, you lie, you justify and you allow the enemy to skew the perspective. And you don't listen to any God stuff - you can't."    The day after I sent those 3 emails, my entry is:  " I hear you Lord, I must SHUT up and leave YOU to do YOUR job...it is NOT my job to change his heart and mind -- THAT is yours!"  I am so sorry.  Help me to keep quiet and TRUST YOU. God, I must keep quiet.  I see where I am doing more harm."  

And as I read that journal and the three months of thoughts -- I thanked God that now...I have heard my husband tell others, " I looked at her in therapy and told her I never loved her and I was so wrong, and look at where we are today.  God can heal your marriage.  I love her more today than I ever have and I know I was being deceived by the enemy.” 

So, why did I feel the need to share this?  

I believe someone reading this needs to know -there is HOPE.

I believe a woman needs to know that GOD can be trusted and if you are married and in a marriage that is in crisis right now ..... there is HOPE.  God can restore.  It takes time and work, but God does hate divorce.

There is a beautiful young mom, that is trying to wait it out as he - her husband - continues to lie, steal, and destroy any hope and I confess, I am praying that God removes him  -- she and the children deserve a new start, but financially it is tough but I know that God will redeem each tear she has shed.   And I have cried to God -- what piece is missing??? -- answer her please.  And God reminded me ....  she is the one that must walk this out.  I have promised to stand in the gap and pray.

There is another that is not married and she is desperate to be reconciled  with a past relationship and yet.... she knows that God is probably showing her that this person is not HIS best for her...it is still a struggle.  It hurts.    There were soul ties and as I read my journal I was reminded that ...HE will give us our DAILY bread...ONE day at a time.   I know of another, and she is trying her best to live each day without the 'satisfaction' or approval of a man ...married or not married...Jesus has to be the ONLY one that fills our needs and cravings.  We can't rely and depend on another man -- we, as women, must be whole and healthy in our relationship with our Lord -- then we can be a good friend and possible help meet for another.  

 My 'restoration' period or the AWKWARD years as our kids call them...lasted almost 2 years.  Nothing seems to be a QUICK fix.  We get quick stuff ONLY at McDonalds.  So maybe this blog entry will encourage her that -- it will take time.

I believe there is more to just 'finding' the right guy -- first there has to be a total dependence on Jesus and have the Holy Spirit within our power to walk each day in that knowledge of WHOM we are in Christ.  

I am not quite sure HOW God will use this blog this eve.    HE totally reminded me of the miracle HE did through us in our marriage. HE reminded me that HE will meet each and every need - that I can't focus on another human to meet the cravings that I have -- that HE will use my husband to teach me HOW much HE loves me...but to practice that unconditional love towards him.  

God also reminded me of many marriages that need HIM first.  Each person needs that salvation and grace of that personal relationship with HIM before they can even begin to work on that marriage.   The enemy continues to steal, kill, and destroy families and he is working BIG time around us.  

Lord, as my sweet hubby and I continue to pray and believe that this upcoming marriage series will be a catalyst for several marriages to move beyond the crisis point to WHAT HE intended -- the BEST Story of their lives.  I believe we are creating a story with our Lives...Lord...may YOUR glory shine through it.  May this blog be protected, that it would not bring hurt or cause pain but that it would shed LIGHT among the darkness.  My husband and I are healed and there is no blame or malice or 'fault' felt between the two of us.  WE accept our responsibility and we know -- YOU allowed this Lord for this time… that we may help another -- believe that YOU win and their marriage CAN be a beautiful and healthy marriage - that shared YOUR light in the darkness.  amen.