What I crave.

The past month has been a prayerful month.  Praying and bathing the Marriage Event in HIS grace and mercy.  And tomorrow -- there will be a women's event that I have be honored to help pray for and be a part of -- and so therefore - I have been praying. 

God is always so sweet. 

I found a letter I wrote to myself on November 22, 2009.  That day was  a year beyond the death of my nephew.  That year was a 'hard' year.  I had begun to seek some counsel for myself -- as I was beginning to believe that I was crazy.  My  head had categorized that the entire problem within my home was the fact that my husband was in a mid-life crisis and so was I - it just looked different between the two of us and I  will admit - was crying myself to sleep -- probably every night for most of that year and probably all of 2010.  It sucked.  We just existed.  We had been existing for a few years already by this time....and we existed  several months more until -- the skies broke open.

However, today - in finding this prayer I wrote to God in a bible study book - reminded me - HE wins.   In reality - it is a page of my journal ....it just did not get into my  journal.  I have no idea where I was when I wrote it - probably sitting at the Ins. Office and staring at the computer and I grabbed paper and wrote....   I want to share it.   

 Why?  NOT to 'bring up stuff'...but to let another woman have hope...there is STILL hope.  There is always HOPE even when it looks like nothing has changed and nothing seems to be going 'our way'.   There is HOPE.  We hold on - we fight.  Cause God is still listening and has NOT forgotten you - even though it may feel like that. 

Here it goes: 

11/22/09
I crave to leave a legacy of faith to my children, not just works! I crave that they will remember me praying - always choosing what is what God would be happy with.  Lord, love is not a fight - but it is worth fighting for.  Lord, I know you are fighting for me and that should be enough but I wish he would fight for us too.  Maybe he is - but it does not seem like it.  Lord, I am not feeling patience today.  I am feeling sorrow and despair.  Lord, I am trying to serve and be patient while I wait. But.  Lord, I don't even want to run or do anything today.  I am numb.  Lord, I have to forgive him again - don't I?  For what?  But he is not being the husband and father he is to be.   Lord, as I write this - I pray he will walk in and see me and want to read it -- or can I leave this about for him to read.  But..that is me  - manipulating it again.  Lord, help with my unbelief right now. I am trying to serve and worship while I wait - like the song says - but God, I can't anymore.  Lord, I will I will try.... I will try....  It is so hard.  I feel sad and lonely today. Lonely.  Lord, may today be a blessing to my kids and my husband.  Lord, may they each awake refreshed today.  Lord, as my son plays soccer - may the opportunities for a goal come.  Lord, for his teammates, I pray they will be able to score and do their best on the team.  Lord, yesterday you reminded me or told me - I believe you did - that one day, he will be able to say "I love you", once he loves Me.  I want to see him love you.  I want him to love you.  Lord for whatever is clouding his vision to you - be gone!   Lord, I love you.  Lord I love you more than my husband.  Lord, I thank you for ___ and ____ and I NEED this to work out between them.  May their marriage hold tight.  I need this please.  I need to see some good within others...I need to see that when you asked me to pray for them and take them supper -- it was of YOUR calling and YOU used it.  I need that.  Lord for the babies... E___, A____, and for that one -- God each of them need a medical miracle.  Lord I pray for my mentor's heart and her requested miracle.  Lord, I pray for my students.  Lord, I know my name is written in the Lamb's book of life and THAT is enough.  Lord, God you are who you say your are.  You will do what YOU say you will do.  Lord, I am who YOU say I am.  I am blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, forgiven, and redeemed.  Lord, I can do all things through Christ Jesus - I am believing God as God's word is alive and it is alive in me.  Active - Amen. 


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I asked God 'why'...and I believe I found this just as a reminder of WHAT HE has done, but also - to remind myself of the pain and hurt I lived in for a LONG time.  

Many times, once a sin is revealed or a problem has been brought into the light, we are ready to get it fixed and we want it fixed QUICKLY.  

However, it usually took several years or maybe even a decade to 'GET to this point'...WE can not expect it to be fixed within a few days.    

Time is not the enemy - it is HIS grace.  
God's time is perfect. 
Don't give up. 
Believe -- God does heal and restore.  God IS winning!  Amen.  

- Michelle