Friday, October 7, 2016

Please forgive me...

My sister and I  -- need more light!
This past weekend I experienced a tremendous, and life changing  meeting in St. Louis.  Not only was I with some dear friends and sisters in Christ but I was blessed to meet my own flesh and blood family there as well.   Joining others there in America's dome to praise our King - Jesus, in one accord.... I got a glimpse of heaven and its glory.  Trying to get seats in a block of seven was  difficult at times - but my sister managed to grab some good ones!

This trip was sort of a birthday get away,  planned some six-seven months ago,  it was anticipated and prayed for.  If I could of grabbed another 20 women I would of -- however, God knew exactly WHO would be there.   And God --  certainly left me -- wrecked.   Toby Mac has a song about the Holy Spirit and in the chorus it says, "I am wrecked".  I am.  I am humbled.   I knew this trip was going to be a trip that would forever change me, and yet - I had NO idea of the impact.   I want to live with that spirit or thought - that we are being changed from glory to glory! 

 God's Word says in 2 Cor 3.18:  But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.

 I went expectant -- I wanted to have a fresh word from God, I wanted to be thrilled and in awe of the worship and I certainly wanted to be entertained as well.   And...   I got some extra blessings with family, friends, and then miracles that transpired.  God is so stinking sweet.  God won!

I want to stay focused in this blog to stay on course -- as God was writing this blog a few days ago.

Please forgive me.  Will I be able to actually use words to express this?  Lord - help me. 
Will some read this and go, "she is weird"?     Lord - help me. 
Will some read this and go, "I don't get her"?  Lord - help  Holy Spirit interpret. 

Ok - let me explain.   If you have read my blog before or know me well -- I admit, I am pretty passionate.  God made me that way.    Honestly, I pray that when people see or read my stuff, they truly believe I am a Jesus freak and  that I walk the walk I talk.  And  if you have read my blogs or follow me, you have read that God has been showing me something this past summer and I even admitted that I wrestled with Him as far as doing some assignments  that He has placed in my heart.   However,  this past weekend it all came together and made sense.

More confirmation.
More blessings.
More....    God gave me more pieces of the puzzle!   I am humbled.    It made sense! 

And, I have changed.   There has been a religious righteous anger in me that had become pride.....
I use the word "had" because I see now - it was something that God was working to DEATH in me so that He could continue to grow me and use me and FILL me more with HIM! 

God is so stinking sweet that HE revealed this to me in some very personal moments but also with such mercy.   He loves me THAT much.  As, who likes discipline?   Who wants to be corrected or scolded?  But God's discipline is necessary as we grow in HIM, I am just so thankful for His mercy!

To make a long story short -- almost 2 years ago, I prayed with another sister in Christ that Beth Moore would  be.... spirit filled and receive her prayer language.   I felt it was NEEDED.   I felt it HAD to happen.   As I know what having my prayer language has meant to me -- but I did fight  against it for 30+ years.   I think sometimes we get so passionate about HOW God has moved and worked within our lives ....we just want OTHERS to have it like we do.   And we want to bypass the struggle for others but indeed God has that planned or in line for that other one as well.  It must be God and them...not God and me and them.  ( Now, did that make sense?)

  And  I want God to do it NOW....we want God to do it NOW  ....when God has the better plan and God has the timing worked out.

 In WANTING something for another so bad at times - we can manipulate stuff and grieve Holy Spirit.  I just  want spiritual freedom for all I  encounter  -- and I want them to have 'this power'.    I did feel it was needed.   I did feel it was a must. 

 Let me share this:

Many non-believers and even some believers view the Holy Spirit ( HS )  as an impersonal force or concept that represents God or his presence.  But the Bible describes the HS in personal terms, not as a mere influence or spiritual power.  HS is a divine person - fully God.  In Acts 1.4 the apostles are instructed to wait to be baptized with the Holy Spirit.

Let's get the elephant in the room exposed:   I believe there is ONE God - ONE Holy Spirit and ONE Jesus and they create the Trinity.  We are to be eternally minded and salvation is a gift, not earned as we accept Jesus into our hearts and allow Him to fill us.   Without faith it is impossible to please God , His mercy triumphs justice, and by His Grace nothing is impossible with HIM as HE works through us! 

At one point this past weekend, Joyce Meyer's held up the bible and made a simple statement, "let's just address the elephant in the room, its time we stop allowing division, we are  to be the BRIDE of Christ - there will be no divisions in heaven for the Catholics or the Baptists or the Bapticostals or whatever labels you have given yourself.   I hold fast to this Word of God and do believe in all the gifts the Lord promises us.  But I want ALL of whatever God has for me- period.  I want ALL He has for me!" 

Me and Pinocchio!
To have two of the most influential bible teachers and women  of God that have spent the past 25-35 years impacting the Kingdom of God in ONE arena..... in one place.....and to be in agreement --was indeed answer to prayer.

 It was phenomenal .

 Unbelievable .

Blessed beyond belief.

It was God ordained!

Then Christine Caine spoke -- and voiced her opinion on the baptism in the Holy Spirit.  I  was raised with the knowledge that Jesus died for my sins.   I believed and accepted that.  I did not know that I could have a personal relationship with God and Jesus until I was a teen.  I acknowledged that God was indeed God for most of my adult life -- but I know that I did not FALL in love with  God and  placed my trust in God until I was 45 ... at an Encounter with God weekend in Titusville back in 2011.

 Up until then, I do believed I loved God in the capacity to which I could.     That is a big statement -- to the capacity of which I could.   Until then I know my prayers were heard  as around the  24th year of my life I got on the roller coaster of trusting God and I would ebb and flow on and off that roller coaster of life.   I  would seek God for a season and then the world.  Then back on the coaster and ride high with Jesus and then stepped off again as my heart became more hard to a true relationship with God.   I had faith, hope, and love but I allowed idols to begin to become MORE  and more important than God's Word.  God wanted MORE of me. 

 And I was a very good actress!  How many around me are doing the same?   Are you a good actress? 

Selfie attempt when we arrived!! 

When everything fell, God picked me up and began to rebuild me.  And, in that season - having my prayer language gave me comfort and confidence that I could pray without Satan hearing me.

 God rebuilt me, but in these past months,  as I said,  I believe God has been working a death in me again,  so that HE could fill me back up with MORE grace to do His work.   At America's Dome, I felt myself stating:   "How dare I think that God could not 'work' through Beth whether she had her prayer language or not!!"    And, "why do you think that God can't do WHAT He wants?".  And as I wrested with God on this subject - God graciously showed me where I must repent so that this spiritual pride would be nipped in the bud.  Thank you God.   I repented.  And God literally did some Holy Surgery on me Sunday night -- again, that could ONLY of been God.  ( I will explain Sunday night in another blog - if you are interested! )

So, my prayer this evening is quite personal -- but I am being obedient.  As I am in the preparations right now to take a group of women to Titusville again and I want ONLY He -- God to get the glory, be the glory, and heal with His glory -- this is not about a gift that I believe is important -- it is about what GOD wants to do -- heal, restore, and redeem.   It is about God doing some holy surgery in each woman that participates.   It is about His will being done, here as it is in heaven!   And, we don't want to grieve the Holy Spirit - but have Him present and guiding us as He is the teacher and His anointing is what will make the changes in hearts.

Lord, first of all - thank you SO much for the ability to attend this conference, enjoy my Florida family, get to know Kathy, Denise, and Darlene is such a better way.   And for the Wisconsin family that joined us as well.  You totally orchestrated that and I am thankful for my sister's ( Diann's) obedience to You as she invited my mom to join she and Tiffany.  

  Lord, I sit here and just marvel at HOW you moved, HOW your orchestrated and HOW you were there right with me.   And how you were with each of them as well!!   Lord, HOW you have the ability to make me think and feel and believe that YOU orchestrated the  weekend just for me.   I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but at practically every moment,  when I got out of my head and allowed YOU in there -- it felt like even though 22K women  were there to attend as well -- it seemed like the entire weekend was JUST for me.   You met me there so personally.   And yet, I know that I know you did that for the lady sitting to my left and to my right.  And you did that for each and every one there WHO wanted MORE of you!   You are indeed a sweet and good good father.   And I believe You orchestrated that weekend just for my mom as well.  Lord, the blessing of knowing she accepted You and recited the sinner's prayer was just the icing on the cake of the weekend.   Each and every detail of those four days was beyond belief and I praise You, Holy Father, as we took confidence from Your Word ..whenever two or three are gathered in Your name...Amen! 

But now Lord, as you already know my heart as I have confessed this to you already -- thank you for being so gentle and sweet with me as you placed that prideful righteous religious anger to death in me and opened up my heart for more of YOU.   Thank you for blessing me with the ability to hear from you and see you at work.  Thank you for reminding me gently that YOU indeed HAVE it.   Forgive me Lord, as I know you knew the condition and desire of my heart so my intentions were good but now I clearly see how YOU want to raise me up and call me to NEW heights...NEW assignments and NEW things.  

Lord for the past the the enemy wants to shove in my face...even when mistakes were made -- You knew the intention of my heart and YOU covered me.  I praise YOU for that.  And I don't take it lightly, but Your GRACE is sufficient and I know that with this new revelation knowledge ...indeed..YOU can do MORE through me and I will teach and share it with others, as You have given me some good assignments - but OH God... I know where my strength comes from - it comes from YOU. 

Forgive me Lord for thinking and believing that Beth "had" to have her prayer language  and if she did -- she could "THEN" do more for you -- now, as I even type this confession....I can clearly see how that was being immature in thinking.    

 Forgive me Lord, for the others I have judged that 'needed more'....Lord, cover me -- in my zeal and passion for You I pray that I won't manipulate anything when it comes to YOU Lord.    I am humbled Lord, that You wish to continue to use me for YOUR purposes.   I pray I won't fail you.  

Forgive me Lord, if I have allowed or pushed something on someone when Your timing was not right -- when I tried to manipulate.    Forgive me Lord, and continue to rebuild me.  Lord,  You are Lord -- Lord, You are sovereign and Lord -- I want ALL You have for me -- I confess my  arrogance and my anger and I give it to you.  Lord for the ones that read this - I pray that it will make sense and it will relate to them as well.  I pray they won't make the same mistakes.   I pray, as when I read anothers story or heart on how YOU are working in their lives.....I can see myself and I 'fix' it before I make the same I pray that this prayer, this confession would indeed be for another and that it would give grace to another .....and it would make sense to another and it would push her closer to YOU Lord.   

And if not -- that is OK too.   You know the fear I had in typing this blog.   You understand my need for approval and YOU know exactly WHAT comes next.    Lord, as I edit this today -- I lay here in awe of YOUR presence.  You really DID spare us yesterday ....with Matthew wobbling a bit to the east -- it saved saved our Insurance claims...  it was indeed an act of MERCY on my community and my children.   Tears overwhelm me... I don't deserve this -- and yet... YOU did this NOT only for me but for ALL your children!   

And Lord, I thank you for my sister's in Christ -- for those YOU use to sharpen me.   I ask for a blessing upon Kathy, Denise, and Darlene who love me for just being me...and I ask a blessing on my MOM, my sister and my sister in Love...who love me for just being me... and I thank you for Mary this am as she posted something on FB this am...  Matthew 10. 7 says this, " Go and announce to them that the Kingdom of Heaven is near".......  You are very near... I believe I will see you face to face soon.   I don't believe my children will have to plan my life celebration ( funeral) ....  But I also fear YOUR Bride is not quite ready...   God I pray YOU will continue to use me - for YOUR Kingdom purposes.   

May the one  WHO read this to the end... May you bless her or him as well ...and may they seek you today and ask YOU what needs to be repented of that YOU can use them as well.   IN Jesus name.  I am humbled and oh  oh   oh so  so so grateful.   

You are indeed a good good Father!  
- michelle 

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