So, did that title get your attention? This post is being prayerfully typed. It is 2am. I am not President Trump and this won't be a rant, but I do believe I am to share. It may be....LONG. You may need some coffee!
For the past two weeks, I have been praying about a situation. Actually been praying about a LOT of situations. I have met a few new gorgeous women that are fighting for their marriages and when the Lord shows me something to help them with or to pray with them about -- I am reminded of HOW God is everywhere. We are in the process of beginning the building process of our home -- it has been 6 years of renting and we are ready to HAVE A HOUSE! In the past month, I have been working with a dear woman of God and trying to impart some words of wisdom and organization to her as we planned a women's event. We both knew how powerful the Be Inspired Event would and could be, so the enemy would indeed do his best to distract and bring disunity. But God Won! In this process, there is extra prayer and with that - again, the enemy steps up the pressure and it certainly seems like the attacks are greater. So as the weekend came closer, I believe the enemy up'd the ante and decided to launch a another FULL assault. But even though I was was aware, sometimes it just HITS you hard.
Unfortunately, sometimes the struggles are not the enemy's cause but because of our own stupid choices, and consequences from decisions we had made, it certainly seems the walls may come crashing in. In prayer, I knew that I knew, I had to confess something to my husband. It was not an affair, or major injustice by the world's standards but it was simply something that I had omitted to share. Therefore, sin by omission. But with me, knowing it needed to be confessed - it became a sin of commission. Which in God's eyes - is sin. I needed a new heart -- See Exek 11.19 as the flesh was winning for a moment.
The actual infraction or sin does not need to be revealed but God moved. It is also important to know that as I prayed about this, I tried my best to totally manipulate the aftermath in any which way I could. Now THAT is a bad old habit and one way Satan will use our prayers and communication with God against us! Sometimes, no actually-- always, when our feelings are hurt - we justify stuff and in reality -- sin is sin. In the process of trying to bargain with God, other stuff happened. My hubby is not perfect and as I stepped up prayer for our Saturday event, stepped up prayer for my husband's heart to soften when I revealed the sin, stepped up prayer for our a new building adventure--- my husband, said and did a few things that totally HURT my feelings. Totally. Our Words are most powerful and sometimes we speak before we think. Once words are OUT there - they are SO hard to take back.
Very long story short -- this brand new friend , Don, made this comment to me after some four hours of conversation on Sunday, "you know what fear is?" Um.... Well.... Yes, I do.
He says, "if you have fear, that means you are dancing with the devil, or better yet, that is like making love to the devil".
THAT hit me hard. We were actually at the end of our day with them and while I was in a car ride with his wife earlier her comment resounded in my brain. Sandy is her name. In just sharing a bit about herself, she made a comment, "oh huney, I used to be so fearful of him, because of how I was raised but God healed us and changed him." And it is hard to explain but I knew instantly. It was like a movie was playing out, I could hear Don making a comment about fear and Sandy's words just cemented what I knew was wrong - with me - I was fearful. And it was connected to a soul wound from my childhood. It all made sense. With that -- I just cried.
You can blame your hormones for a lot of stuff when you are almost 51. I just told her it was the hormones but it was really the Holy Spirit revealing to me something. Many times I will refer to our lives being an onion and we peel back one layer at a time, well, another layer was peeled off a deeper wound and NOW I was ready to confront it.
And then the truth of the hurt was spoken.
THERE -- I said it. And it was linked to hurt he caused me. But my part in it, was that I had been lying.
And I confessed. And all I could do was say, "I am so sorry." But before that apology, I was able to speak out a hurt that the enemy was using to HOLD me down, using to make me feel insignificant and at 'blame'. The devil is a liar! If you would of been in our bedroom at that moment, you would of seen a shift in the atmosphere. I totally believe in the spirit rhelm, that God sent an extra 10K angels and they KICKED the oppression out of our home, as I prayed in the spirit and rebuked the fear. Then more tears.... and I had to hurry up and redo my make up or be late for school.
God's timing is perfect, my car buddy was running 10 min late as well -- mercy. So I had time to fix the make up and put the dark glasses on.
What the enemy intended as a wedge -- God granted mercy and grace, my husband extended grace and forgiveness was extended. Whoa -- God is so merciful. I would NEVER of expected those certain words to come out of my heart/mouth, but they needed to be said. Any other time those particular words would not of meant anything -- but it was God's timing and my prayerful obedience to pray before I expressed the fact/fear. It was God. Holy Spirit allowed me to say and speak something out that I have never been able to express -- even in therapy.
It was raw, real, but once I voiced the fear -- once I voiced my true and transparent heart, what would happen? Would he tear it up or crush it? Being rejected is a tool from the enemy to keep a person fearful - rebuke it. After the expression of my heart, would my husband accept it, rebuke it, or tell me I was making a mountain out of a mole hill? He said nothing. I believe he had a revelation of his own.
I know of other women that are right here with me. Today was a day! Today was a day where victory over the evil one prevailed. And it felt like I was literally 20 pounds lighter. The oppression was gone. The hurt was still lingering, but I HAD to get to school.
I believe later, in another blog I will be able to share EXACTLY what I had to confess, as I know God will use it. He brings beauty out of EVERY ash. He does not waste a tear. Two weeks ago, a prophet made the comment to me -- "What is God moving you to Michelle?". I thought I had the answer. Within the last 2 weeks, I have had three different women, women I don't normally converse with , message me or come to me and tell me that they were praying for me -- the Lord, had laid my name on their heart. When the 3rd approached me, I asked God, "what is coming down the pike Lord?". But God knew... Of course!
God knew I was going to accept something about myself and reveal it to my husband and indeed, see if I could trust him enough to be transparent - therefore, there would be more redemption and healing within our marriage. THAT could help another couple. God knew - the enemy would do everything in his power to distract and steal that.
No matter what season we are in -- in a troubled marriage, no marriage, or in a happy marriage....
In a troubled singled situation, parent situation, or waiting on God to move.... HE, God, is THERE! He fights for you. And the enemy HATES you. No matter what, the enemy won't stop.
God used several women in the past month to minister to me. I told you I felt the oppression left but I was still hurt. Today, after I got in the car and sped off to school, I smiled and made it seem like all was well, but in reality I was numb. I did not want to cry and unload on my car buddy. So I prayed to God - help. I sent a text right before I left for school, "indeed I am so sorry, I am broken, very broken"...."As God said, You will rebuild the house...in EVERY sense of the word".
I praise God that within moments, I received a text that stated, "please forgive me". My husband got it. He knew and Holy Spirit spoke to him!
When I got to school, I needed to cry.
I went to a gracious prayer warrior and asked her to hold me. She did. And she prayed. She prayed in the spirit. And as I breathed in and out and I cried and I cried for about a good 3-4 minutes, I knew the yuck was leaving me - now for good. I could feel it moving through my body and leaving. God kept us in her room - privately. Afterwards we laughed at how God even kept the early birds from coming into the room and dropping off their book bags. And as she prayed. I was reminded of the precious words Sandy said to me on Sunday.
"oh he has changed"
And as I allowed my friend's prayers to sit on my soul -- I felt a physical release of the hurt and of the sin and I immediately felt the filling - HIS filling -- I could feel it, go up my body - a new filling from my toes up to my head....of His Light. It was a real physical feeling!
It was incredible.
Overwhelming and yet - peaceful. It was real.
And then... God won.
The day ended with God closing a door for now. Our building plan will be put on hold. We have had our eyes on a Condo for the short term. We walked that property last September and October. We even had a realtor send letters to the owner, asking her if she was thinking of selling. I even wrote a card to her. But we felt God closed that door and opened one to build our dream home. We both finally found plans over Christmas that we LOVED and began the process. IN fact, Super Bowl Sunday, we told the architect to go ahead and finalize the plans and draw them up, as we were not making changes and heading to the bank for a construction loan. On Super Bowl night, we stopped by that Condo again and asked God once more, "Lord, if this is Your will to build, then we are moving forward, but if Your will is to give us this Condo, then please do." And I added in, "and Lord, if you could do this within the next 2 weeks, as we are going to make some BIG decisions and thank you". Brendan laughed at me - "there you go, telling God to hurry". Anyway, 12 days later -- we got a phone call, the owner was interested in selling. The next day, we met her and she said she would sell us her home. Today - we made an offer. Valentine's Day. THAT whole story is of God. A contract was signed. Inspections have to occur, and even though financing has been pre-approved, my momma always said, "don't count your chickens before they are hatched". But, prayerfully, and with God's blessing, we should be moving for the 5th time - in 6 years...but this time it will be to OUR home. Redemption House!
Trust in Him at all times. Don't let fear control you. I don't want to give the enemy any credit but I know FEAR is not of God and FEAR in a marriage is hard and it hurts.
I believe I had a deeper healing today. I believe God will use this new encounter with Him and healing within us - for HIS purpose. I believe that I will always claim that God is good. And for the one that is reading this tonight and you feel as if God has forgotten you -- just reach up to Him and trust that if you humble yourself before Him, HE will answer. He does not lie.
Lord, for the one who gave me these scriptures today, Cindi, bless her in a way that is personal and fitting for her -- thank you for her hug from YOU this am. Today is indeed a mile marker in my life -- another Encounter with you, more healing, and more transparency. Be glorified Lord -- in all that I do - continue to empty me of me --
And I pray for my husband this eve, as he was diligent in working his best to day to give me the best Valentines Day in awhile...a new home....I won't get too carried away, I will wait until we actually close - but thank you God. Thank you for Sandy and Don - bless then too. Amen.
And now -- it is 2am - will I sleep or continue to think of paint colors?
This was a very personal and real blog post - I pray my admission would indeed help another.
Congrats -- you made it to the end!!