Tuesday, March 7, 2017

What to do when you are SO mad and hurt at the same time? You seek His Word!

  I will preface this with the fact - I am angry.  It is ok to be angry but we are not to sin in our anger.  I am.  I just am.  I am not sinning but I am angry!  I am very aware of the fine line between them!   I even posted a post on another person's FB page.  I posted some scripture -- that to me --  it put 'him' in his place.  And within 3-4 minutes, my heart was hurting.  I could clearly hear, "my word is not for your use to hurt another".  But the thing was, I KNEW THAT even before I posted it.  But I was SO angry.  
I was angry at "him".  He has made choices that are not of God's will.  How do I know?   It is very obvious.  I have prayed for him -- watched him through two different relationships and prayed everything from, "Lord, help him to Lord, hurt him".  It is very apparent that I am NOT God and I can't dictate nor manipulate God -- but it hurts.   I wanted to WIN on this one.  I wanted to SEE he fall into repentance and make stuff right.   

This is not the first time I have felt this ANGER for another -- it is just very real and raw tonight.  I am still praying for a miracle -- I am praying a marriage can be saved -- but as I have released this marriage to Him over and over -- I will trust that no matter what, the wife who has been faithful and has waited will indeed received the favor of God!   
I was reminded by my sweet husband that I can't get attached and emotional with every couple I pray with -- but some I do.  Some sweet women come and ask me to pray and their situation is very similar to min and yet it is their own story -- but I pray they will see HOPE in our story.  As I searched the internet over and over and read blog and story after story of 'SUCCESS' when a couple defiled the odds and FOUGHT the enemy and SOUGHT God and won!  
Anyway - enough.  Just writing and reading scripture -- I "feel" better.   But I am also hurting and heartbroken for a wife who believed and believed that a miracle would transpire.   It seems though he will file for divorce and he will one day stand before God and 'justify' why and what.  
I have thought over and over today about how the enemy attacks -- he attacks where he knows there is a weakness.  So often the breakup of a marriage is really a side- effect of childhood hurts that were never exposed and resolved.   I believe the enemy has convinced the wayward partner that "it will be better with a new person".  And I believe with all of my heart that God does change people - but people have to WANT to be changed.  I do believe that if we continue to deny God and ignore His Spirit - we become VERY hard and we miss a lot.  I believe we miss the hand of God giving us favor.  It may certainly "seem" like the life of this wayward partner is better going forward, but I have seen it - sadly - TOO many times where the one who pushed to leave -- regrets!   God will justify.  God will redeem.  God will judge.   
Ok -- enough said.  The Lord knew I wanted to blog and I knew what I needed to do -- just to share my prayer and His Word.  Forgive me if this got too personal -- and I have prayed that IF I see this one wayward person within the next few days -- I pray that I will show love, cause right now, I just want to settle the matter with my own words and my own hands.  But, I submit to God - and know that He is just as disappointed and that God loves him more than any of us ever could -- but I just pray that maybe...just maybe..... a miracle is still right around the corner!   
Psalm 5
1Listen to my words, Lord,
consider my lament.
2Hear my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.  Lord, my heart aches as I want help to try and understand this present situation but also, my heart aches for a wife that has fought hard and from the outside world -- it appears she lost.  
3In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait expectantly.  Lord, you know the exact number of prayers,  fasts,  and discussions that involved this sweet wife that wanted her marriage.  Your know the prayers  for her children and his children.  You know  - my heart hurts this eve and You know exactly what each one is thinking and doing this eve -- Lord, I pray you confort her and I pray he can't sleep -- I just do. 
4For you are not a God who is pleased with wickedness;
with you, evil people are not welcome.   Lord, to me this verse if very clear -- there will be consequences - period. 
5The arrogant cannot stand
in your presence.
You hate all who do wrong;
6you destroy those who tell lies.
The bloodthirsty and deceitful
you, Lord, detest.  Lord, I admit - forgive me -- I believe he is arrogant.   I believe he is arrogant in doing his will rather than Your will.  Lord, he may not be blood thirsty -- but it certainly seems the enemy is blood thirsty -- it seems he wants to destroy this family and this marriage.  And Lord, the lies that have been told and not told -- Lord, it certainly seems like  he is getting away with being deceitful and  arrogant. 
7But I, by your great love,
can come into your house;
in reverence I bow down
toward your holy temple. Lord, symbolically -- my am bowing down.  I know I have allowed this situation to eat at me all day  and that is not good.  As I release it to You again and I pray that indeed, I will have pity on him and that I would show him love when he is around me.  Lord I pray that both would bow down -- and humble themselves and pray for each other rather than pray to 'be released'. 
8Lead me, Lord, in your righteousness
because of my enemies—
make your way straight before me.  Lord, I have felt righteous anger today but I am afraid I have become somewhat self-righteous as well.  Lord -- I need YOU to take away this hurt that I feel for the wife who has prayed and forgave -- and I give this 'win' back to you.  You are right -- I wanted the marriage to win.  But I know -- that You can bring beauty out of any ashes.   You know Lord when he will finally submit and seek You -- and perhaps you are going to use this divorce to bring forth more healing.  I release him and her -- and I will trust You. 
9Not a word from their mouth can be trusted;
their heart is filled with malice.
Their throat is an open grave;
with their tongues they tell lies.
10Declare them guilty, O God!
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you. Lord, I asked you to help TAKE it and even as I read verses 9-10, I already feel a release.  As verses 9-10 continue with the 'bad'....I know You will declare the guilty guilty.    Lord, you know it is NOT only this one couple I am blogging 'for'.  You know there are several marriages my husband and I have prayed for and continue to hold in prayer.   Lord, You also know there are ones that will read this -- as they may be in the  exact spot I am -- angry over something, I pray they would release it.  Lord, I also pray for the ones who have NO clue that a crisis of faith is just around the corner because of another's actions or their own.  Lord, be their everything. 
11But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.   That is me Lord, that is the wife that will most likely sign the divorce papers tomorrow unless a miracle happens.  Spread your protection over this other marriage - where the husband still continues to believe the is "nothing" wrong and yet his wife is dying of loneliness,  hurt, and unmet expecatations. 
Spread Your protection over the children in these marriages - as some are small, others are teens, and even others are grown adults and yet -- they will suffer consequences when a divorce happens.  Lord, that EACH of them would REJOICE in You!  
12Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield. Lord, I am holding onto this promise -- that you will surround them - each of them with Your favor as with a shield.  Lord, I pray for another wife who is still waiting on her husband to fall in love with Your Son.  Lord, I pray for the many unsaved ones , very close ....
I Pray for the many deceived ones, very close.....
I pray for the ones who want to just give up....
I pray for those prodical sons/husbands -- that indeed they would have that 'eating the slop' experience and TURN from their own will and submit to God's perfect will for their lives.  
Lord, HOLD that special someone this eve.  Lord, hold her -- hold anyone reading this who needs a reminder that they are indeed LOVED.  Loved so much, You died for her!   
Lord, forgive me, if in my anger, I used Your word to discipline another -- I will trust You and know that You are indeed fighting for me.  And for those who are listed in this prayer blog -- know that GOD will restore everything the locust took.   Don't give up!  

Good night!   

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