Tuesday, June 5, 2012

April 1, 1983

I found this when I moved.  I am ready to share it as when I found it...it brought great joy and comfort but it also was painful....not that it was bad, but so many things have changed and yet...they are still the same.  In my own path and in my own life...so much had changed and yet, so much was still the same.  I guess I just wanted to protect this letter....and wait it out....not sure if that makes sense, but it does to me. 

I also read and reread it and wondered why, I had not been reading it every day of my life...through our senior year of high school ..which sucked at times.  Through our freshman year at UWW..which really sucked at times..sorry, sucked is not the right word but that was a very HARD time in my life for me.  However, I was so self-fish and so 19..that I never thought about the little brothers and sisters at home which were going through hell on earth....I would say that from 1982----1992--1994...those were some very tough times in our home...and I was not there - I was off, ducked out...went to college, then to Florida and started my own life.  I had no idea....I think THAT is part of the pain I wanted to protect. 

I think when one gets healing ..true healing, there is still a part of our flesh that does not want to believe it.  I mean, that is the battle right -- between our flesh and our spirit.  The battle between our head and our heart...the battle between belief and faith....and then the Enemy swings his guns in there. 

Or maybe it goes back to that saying, 'how are you?'....'fine'.....You don't really want to say what is really wrong, but you don't want to be negative either and does the other person really want to know?  But anyway......as I said, this letter was my treasure on that day of packing ...which brought me great hope and I want to share it on the blog for others to read. 

But I also want to protect my parents and my family...I mean, please don't judge..just read.  I love my dad. I do.  I do.  And I no longer judge or analyze 'what' happened here or there.  All of my past -- is my destiny.  It made me what I am.  I realize now, that if I had really believed this letter back in 1983...I know my life would of been a bit different -- but God knew all the time, what would transpire and take place back in college...in our early married years...and in our later married years...and HE knew what would transpire in the home of my mom and dad.  Praise God I can say now -- that my dad is different and I am getting to know a new man...a man that floors me with each visit.  I serve and believe in an awesome and wondeful God.  HE does have it.

I guess I want to share it and have it in  print...so I can always look back and remember how God showed me this, HE let me find it at just the right moment and it was a confirmation to me of what HE had impressed upon me years ago ...."I have this chelly...you are not the savior".....funny how I have to be reminded of that.  Well, that is not really funny...but true.  For so many years, being the oldest...being the oldest...well, let me  just say that you feel a responsibility that perhaps only another 'oldest' can witness to.  Anyway, enough said, I want to share this: 

This was a letter written by my mom to me and I opened it at my Confirmation retreat back in 1983.  It was suppose to be a letter from both parents... but it was only from her. 

However, it is a letter I will treasure and treasure for the rest of my life. 

God is so good.

Ok  - here is goes.

Friday, April 1, 1983

Our dear Michelle,  I've been composing words of wisdom in my mind for almost a week now; but getting started on paper is very slow.  I should explain this was suppose to be a joint effort, I will write from my heart and tell you your father - deep down - is happy for you too.  There's no excuse for his actions at times, and no matter how hard he verbally abuses us, I believe he has an opposite reaction he doesn't know how to express.  I still remember the warm, considerate, loving, caring young man who knelt with me at night as we said quietly our night prayers, when we were first married.  His problem or illness is something we will deal with.  Always remember that's what is is.  You are not responsible in any way, shape, or form for his actions.  Remember too, he loves you very much.  Maybe someday he'll be able to say it. 

Nevertheless, we are proud to have been blessed with such a fine young daughter.  I have my anxious moments as you know - but that's part of being a parent. 

Confirmation adds the religious strength on the ladder of life to adulthood.  It is the first serious decision you've made as a young adult.  I'm very happy and proud of you for inviting the Holy Ghost to come bless your life.  Welcome Him as the missing link, the love-glue with God, the ultimate security blanket, for that's what is important in life.  It is faith and love! 

All the riches in the world, fancy houses, friends, not even a husband will get you to heaven.  That trip your must prepare for all yourself.  Thank God there are many others around who share our anticipation and help nurture this dream.  Be alert tho for the road to heaven is not paved with gold - trials, pot holes, temptations, bad weather, and unforseen hazards await us. 

But remember -- Jesus is your best friend, your loyal companion, your security, your comfort.  Talk with Him often.  He'll listen anytime of the day.  He loves you; He wants to share the reward of eternal happiness and eternal love in heaven with you. 

That's what our religion is all about.  Its the faith, the love, the knowledge we know that our stay on earth is only but a short one and that our goal is the reward of heaven for there our soul will live on in eternity forever happy and full of God's grace and love.

I can't believe that God has a separate heaven for protestants, Lutherans, etc.  We were taught that our CAtholic faith was the 'one true appolstolic faith'. Life is full of compromises also, and rightly so, And these decisions will be yours!  Set your goal high -- to bring your soul and your family's back to God. 

Prayer is our secret weapon.  I know I don't do enough of it lately.  I'm sort of hoping the Sacrament of Confirmation will spill over and bless us all as well. 

WE love you Chelly and always will.  Have a good retreat.  I hope my letter doesn't smell too much like 'vicks'.  I hope too it makes you feel warm insdie, loved and excited about the Sacrament of Confirmation.  As for words to live by, I do like St. Francis's prayer and "blessed are the peacemakers, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". 

Love, Mom ....and dad too. 

Hey mom....thank you.  I know I did not thank you for the letter back in 83..and I realize now, I had no clue.  I marvel at how your letters to me...back and forth and my letters to you in the 90's just pushed us farther and father apart...and yet..my writing is therapy and I get that from you. 

You are a talented writer. 

I marvel at what you wrote -- and believe and know that prayer is the key - you taught me well. 
I love you, more than ever - your eldest - michelle

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