You see, I really want to be 'OVER' my past. Now I know, and have blogged and said it before, our past is part of our destiny and it is a part of our history so we can't really deny it or try to escape it. However, I believe that we can GET over it. It can be a part of our past, it does not dictate our future.
However, this past weekend, Evangelist Ken Gaub stated something profound during his speaking engagement at our church and it really stuck.
"We don't get over things, we get through them." Dah...
I know this. I knew this. It makes perfect sense and it really sunk in. Profound! I mean, I have heard this before, but yesterday it became REVELATION and answered prayer for me.
So often I would claim forgiveness for this or for that and yet, I would find myself sometime later dealing again with that same thing or those feelings to forgive AGAIN. Then I learned that forgiveness comes in layers...and it a constant and daily thing. We choose to forgive. And I will accept the fact that I will always have to choose to forgive certain things that have occurred to me in my past, but I know that as time passes and as HE continues to mold and change me, I do believe that what I will have to choose to forgive will change and change.......as LIFE just happens.
I have claimed healing and a total emotional healing with the past hurts within my marriage and there has been SUCH healing and yet, with one thought or one trigger - I can be RIGHT back there in a moment. Does that make sense? I have sought God to forgive me for all that I have done, and I am by no means perfect, so I am consistently seeking HIS forgiveness for when my flesh acts up and acts out!
Does this make sense?
It does to me. But my mind, the mind that wants to learn and 'get over' stuff does not like that. My brain and how I process things tells me to figure out the problem or whatever and then fix it and get over it! But, God reminds me....HE is continually changing me and teaching and molding me.
Ok, so, I am just going to get this off my chest or out of my head.....I need help. More help. For the past month, I have been asking God some very specific questions about some certain thoughts and ideas. And I have been asking HIM questions as to our future. And I have been wondering again, am I healthy? I mean, thought wise. Are Brendan and I healthy? Emotionally? I mean, I went to see our therapist last weekend and it did me a world of good. A world of good. My husband and I had 'graduated' from a year of therapy last February and our therapist just wanted us to 'live' and see how things went. You can work at stuff, talk about stuff, but then there comes a time when you just have to LIVE....Anyway, we stayed in contact and the two of us talked about whether we needed a check up with her or not...and we both agreed we didn't. Until the holidays came and both of us, admitted that maybe, just maybe we needed to have a check up.
Communication is key. We were /are communicating so why need a therapy check up - cause we just do. Did. Anyway, that process has been started again and the thought of doing the HARD so that we both can get through it.....is a necessary thing. And I will admit, it makes me anxious and happy all in one breath.
My dear friend told me of a vision she had. She is going through a trial with her marriage right now, and she wants to be like the vision she saw - a women coming out of the fire, more beautiful, pure silver ...with no smell of smoke like .....refined.
16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. 21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”They replied, “Certainly, O king.”25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!”So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.
She reminded me of Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego and how they went into the fire...and came out -- NOT even smelling of smoke.
I want to come out of all of this...NOT smelling of smoke! I want to get through this NOT smelling of smoke. And I said I have claimed healing, but I guess this will be the process for that total healing and getting THROUGH it- once and for all. Praise God.
Both my husband and I are in a new place now. A place where, we both believe God is going to use us in some ministry to help other couples find hope and encouragement after infidelity. There I said it. That was hard. I don't want to have that label. I don't want anything to label or cause him to feel guilt anymore. I committed adultery too - against my Lord but people don't really know that unless they really know me or know my story. We both need to establish the rules of what can be shared, what should not be shared, and maybe what needs to be shared. Unsure. But, I know God has brought us to this point and we are both willing to be used. We want to be HIS light. Again, that was HARD. Writing on this blog is therapy to me and I have no clue who reads this unless they leave a comment or tell me, but know and believe God is protecting this. I found GREAT wisdom and encouragement on a blog that I believe God led me too ..so, if this is of HIM, HE will lead another to read this and I pray she will read it and read between the lines and get a direct word from HIM....YOU too can come out of the fire - NOT smelling like smoke!
I am very proud of this new place that we are at. I am excited about the future. I am pleased to know and understand true freedom in Christ and know and believe we ARE getting through this. God has left the scars, so that we don't forget where we have come from. It also causes me to remember, that I never want to go there again. It keeps me humble. It keeps my man humble.
We do believe our marriage is a true miracle. We do believe that GOD was the one that ordained it and bound the chord back together but this time, HE really is the knot...HE really is at the center. It is hard, but it is so worth it. So, as counsel begins again, I am so sure that God will be using my talent to write - and I pray, it will be received -
I have delighted myself in the Lord, and HE is giving me the desires of my heart. Twice fold!