Saturday, July 11, 2015

Memories triggered -- healing tears --

Today's verse of the day with my You Version bible app was this: 

1 Thess 5: 16-18 MGS
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances: for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  

I am going to share what transpired today.  Please, if you love me, read, and please don't use this post as a place of gossip or tattling - but  I pray that my obedience to being 'real' ....will encourage and help another.

 I am going to share a rather personal thing again ....  it is still 'new' to my brain today as it is almost Sunday I type this blog post.  11:54 pm to be exact -- But -- again, I want to make sure, that this sharing is used for HIS purposes - not the enemies.

  My hubs and I headed to the gym and began to do our thing. After doing 4/5 of my workout, I was  getting water and catching my breath at the counter and checked my phone for time and messages.
 I checked my Time Hop application and enjoyed seeing a few photos and status reports from the past 2-4 years.  And then, as I scrolled down ....I came across this photo.

Immediately  -- I began to tear up and cry.

This was taken 6 years ago, as we took Taylor to UF.  I was just walking around the stadium waiting for someone and I snapped a photo of myself, as I was speaking to my counselor and she loves Gators too - and I probably changed my profile photo.

But anyway --

Why the tears?  

The date was 6 years ago - today.  The two day preview we took Taylor to.
It was a weird and awkward trip.  You see, it was a very tense season in our marriage.   The few days prior to our doing this, Brendan and I had a very rough weekend and he told me he wanted to leave.   It had been a rough year...2009... and there had been words expressed and tears and a lot of yelling.   Lots.  I felt I was crazy - it had to be me...I was the problem and I had started seeing a counselor on a regular basis after my nephew had gone to heaven.  And I was convinced it was because he had fallen out of love with Jesus - I could tell. He was not himself.  He angered easily and he was not nice.  I kept telling myself - midlife crisis but then as the days passed, I just began to tell myself -- my marriage was breaking down.

Who do I tell?  What do I share?   We were not communicating at all.  

I was not aware of 'stuff'.   I mean, I knew we were in trouble and he had clearly stated he was not happy, but I was not fully aware of the extent to which - my marriage was in failure mode.... but I was putting a smile on my face.

 So, in an instant, it seemed all of these  feelings flooded my head.  I put my sunglasses on and walked to our car.  I sat in the car and allowed the tears to wash down my face for a good 4-5 minutes and then asked God..."when my husband comes to the car - what do I say?".

And I asked God -- "WHY was I crying so - why did the waterworks just fall?" 

In my physical body, I could feel pain.  I could.  It seemed like a BIG jumbotron TV screen in my head began to play scenes...but it was not a visual I was seeing...I was feeling  pain.  Weird?  


I began to debate and discuss with God and the HS -- "you need to stop this!"  "why now?"  
"What is the trigger?"...." Do I share this with my husband?".   "Will he notice the tears?".  "What do I say?" 

Many times, we try and protect ourselves from triggered memories and hurts, but as I cried and tried to stop - I called out to my Father in heaven.

I gave thanks for ALL that has transpired in 6 years.   ( in between the debating)
I began to try and STOP crying ...but, I couldn't.  

Brendan eventually entered the car, there were tears rolling down my cheeks but whether he noticed or not -- I don't know.  They stopped once we put seat belts on and headed home.   

As I prayed later and asked the HS --'what was that?'....I believe I felt in my spirit that God just allowed a reminder.  I cried because the girl in that photo was seeking God -- seeking help...but there was SO much more pain and suffering that would not come into revelation until .... 10 months later.  

And with that - the triggered pain  dried up.   And there was a peace and a healing.  Sort of like.... well...

I was reminded of a saying a missionary once said, "when the promise is clear -- the pain is easy"

And I even laughed a bit with the HS and said,  "he should see me cry."  But, I knew that I knew, if I forced the tears -- it would be a matter of pride /and or trying to make him feel guilty and get some sympathy.  God had allowed the tears, God comforted, and now ...I was fine. 

I pray that makes sense. 

Again, I was reminded of "when the promise is clear -- the pain is easy".

Over my Wisconsin visit, I met up with a couple ( extended family ) who is facing a new crisis.  The dad in the family has been diagnosed with ALS. 

Recently, I received some news concerning a dear one and it was not..what I expected; however, I believe that something beautiful will come from the news. 

Another one I dearly love, is dealing with a circumstance that has  ....floored them and now, they are getting some therapy. 

The details are not necessary -- but in each case, today as I thought about and prayed for them...I am reminded - "when the promise is clear, the pain is easy".

In each situation, these people love the Lord -- and our ultimate promise - is eternal LIFE with HIM.

When we know that is what to come --  the pain is easy.

Easy is relative -- 'easy' comes in stages... What is easy for me now -- is NOT what was easy 6 years ago.  Maybe THAT is why I had to cry today --

 .....realizing the many around me that are in such pain -- waiting on a wayward child....waiting on a prodigal son....waiting on a person to choose Jesus rather than a life of self and sin....

And this evening, I got to witness a BEAUTIFUL wedding -- a reminder of God's plan for us, as we learn to grow in one accord and become that beautiful bride of Christ....

And this evening, God reminded me that HE is at work. 

To the one I had the honor of speaking with today - about her pain -- 
I pray this evening ...that soon, very soon will see  the fruit of your faithfulness -- and I know that I know -- HE  won't let you down.  


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