This is a follow up from last night's post -- I want to make sure -- that it is understood that I committed adultery as well ---idolatry! In my eyes -- my idolatry = spiritual adultery.
Back in February of 2011, I figured out what it meant to commit adultery....spiritual adultery against my Lord ...Jesus. It broke me.
I had the opportunity to attend an ENCOUNTER weekend. Back then it was quite 'colder' than it has been this winter. Back then, the bags under my eyes were pretty thick and dark! Back then, I knew that once the weekend was over, my husband and I had planned to separate again. We had come to an agreement that it was time. I began to realize that free will is something God gave us for a reason.
God's timing is perfect. Really -- it has been over 3 years since then. What can all happen in 3 years? A baby can be born. A child can be conceived. One gets older. One can lose a loved one and one can get a diagnosis that changes everything. One can pay off a loan, one can spend countless hours in prayer, and one's heart can harden. One can also spend endless hours in praise, thanking GOD for a miracle and HIS covering and a blessing. .......thanking HIM for the cross.
So, like I titled this - spiritual adultery....
Everyone is quick to judge when they hear the word 'adultery' and yet, I have found and know that God does not have levels of sin. Sin is sin.
I found this in my bible's commentary near the book of Hosea:
Both spiritual and physical adultery are against God's law.
Both spiritual and physical adultery begin with disappointment and dissatisfaction--either real or imagined -- with an already existing relationship.
Both spiritual and physical adultery begin with diverting affection from one object of devotion to another. ....this diverting of our affection is the first step in the binding process that leads to sin.
Both spiritual and physical adultery involve a process of deterioraton, it is not usually an impulsive decision.....but because you don't realize it, we finally do realize it when it is too late!
Both spiritual and physical adultery involve the creation of fantasy about what a new object of love can do for you...such fantasy creates unrealistic expectations ....and it leads to disappointment in all existing and future relationships.
That was deep - was it not?
I committed spiritual adultery.
Like it or not - that is that.
Israel rejected God's love...they committed Adultery.
The book of Hosea illustrates God's love for his people -- the sinners.
Hosea 3.1...."The Lord said to me, 'Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adultress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, thought they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes'".
Back at my Encounter Weekend, on a Saturday night - I came to a full realization that I had committed adultrey.
Praise God I had people around me to help me take my sin to the cross. But God opened my eyes that weekend and I knew. I already knew I was a sinner and I already knew that because of my own sin, and because of what I had heard my Lord tell me...I was suppose to forgive my husband of physical adultery...but I never really realized the pain I caused Jesus....what I did to put HIM on the Cross.
Three years ago at my Encounter, I experienced HIS love and teaching from some ladies that understood what it meant to commit spiritual adultery. And, I had a vision ( during extended prayer time ) and I saw, Jesus coming to pick me up out of the muck and mire and put me on HIS horse after he brushed off the dirt that was all over me and then I experienced the most beautiful yellow....I believe I saw God's eye's for a brief moment. I believe that I 'got it' on that night.....it all made sense.
Thus that night, I was really able to totally give my marriage and my husband, and my job, and my family ....up to HIM. I was finally able to TAKE my hands off and allow HIM to work within our lives. I was finally able to say, I LOVE and trust YOU Lord. It was that night, that I was washed clean of all of my sin. Washing clean of the sin I had no idea was all over me and I rededicated myself to HIM.
Then I returned home. Learning to LIVE in that knowledge has become the true act of worship to HIM. Learning to really LIVE what it meant to trust HIM is the hard part. It has been over three years.......
It has been over three years of much love, renewed strength, prayer and fun.
It has been over three years of counsel, fasting, and more prayer.
It has been over three years of uncertainty and yet the most blessed peace.
It has been over three years of the MOST awesome time in my life...in our lives....
It has been over three years of a FRESH walk with Jesus.
HE has allowed scars, so I never forget!
I am so humbled. I will forever sing of HIS praises.
HE has given me such a peace about so much, and the stuff I am still unsure of..I trust HE will lead, direct and show me the path.
But my heart aches for some.
Someone else needs to read this today.
Someone else has put other things in front of her Lord.
Someone loves his job too much, he really doesn't see it but he make excuses and excuses as to why he doesn't need to be in a church under the covering of a Pastor each weekend and his wife just agrees.
Someone loves their children way too much, ahead of their spouse and their needs come first and one day they won't realize it until it is too late, but that will cause rebellion.
Someone loves her body, or the idol worship of exercise, to cloud their judgement, thinking and believing that God is going to notice their size in heaven...when in fact they are not putting that amount of time into learning about HIM. And her children are watching 'what' is important to their mother.
Someone thinks that having an affair is better for their situation -- even for their marriage.
Someone thinks that going to an establishment where sin and immortality is welcomed is no big deal.
Someone thinks.....they have PLENTY of time to change something later -- but for now - that sin is pleasurable and they 'deserve' it.
Someone else needs to ask themselves....is my husband my idol?
I can speak...as that was me.
From the outside, I had so many believing I was this great warrior for God - I was at times. I do believe I prayed and did as much as I knew HOW to do, but my view of God and my trust of HIM was so so so shallow. And, I did a great deal of GOOD for HIM and HIS Kingdom, but I failed, I allowed idolatry to sneak its way in and I did not realize it until it was too late. But maybe it was not too late....I believe HE opened my eyes when I was ready to change! I believe HE knew I had to fall out of love, allow a love to perish so it could be rebuilt, and I believe HE wanted so much more out of me.
I hurt for them. The Someones. I see some of them around me. I know the pain that God will allow - HE wants NO one to perish. ( And God does NOT punish - but HE allows suffering when he is being the good Father and disciplining.)
I also hurt for their children...as the fruit of this rebellion will show up - later. I hurt for them....I want to grab them and shake them- wake up. My husband and I talk about the someones often, he is better at discerning and reminding me that PRAYER is our battle tool and that with the ARMOR of HIM, we can be there when those Someones fall.
I hate it, but I believe those Someones have to fall....they have to be broken to be used. Pride is the biggest that will fall. I had a lot of Pride. A lot.
When you are really in lOVE with the Lord, and know exactly what Jesus did for you at the cross - you don't want anyone else to perish. YOU want to spent moments and moments in worship ...reading, praying, and learning more...being close to HIM. You understand what Prayer without ceasing means and you want to get plugged in. YOU want more of HIM.
You simply WANT more of HIM.
You want what HE wants.
And you HURT ....when you see the lost -- so you pray and maybe write....a blog....
I saw a video/skype/ telecast of Francis Chan during the Passion 2013 conference back in January of 2013. He was brought to tears and I won't forget what he said, "if you want to be close to Jesus and experience HIM...just ask, and begin to share that faith with the lost"..."YOU will get close very quickly...YOU can't help it - it will challenge and change you."
Lord, I always want to speak in love, and I pray that those 'someones'....would see something in me that they want. Oh God, open their eyes. I am not your Holy Spirit, some of those Someones are SO blind and believe they are 'ok'...OH God....I don't want them left behind.
Oh Lord, spare them the pain of being knocked to their knees, but if You don't spare them and allow the Enemy to strike, let me be ready to pray for them and love on them. Bring them to my mind, and to my husband's mind...we want to bind the Enemy and help them experience YOUR forgiveness.
Lord, I pray my children will never experience spiritual adultery, God I pray they will make a covenant with you and hold tight. Oh God, I see them - they are young adults and yet, I know they know. Oh Lord, it is so easy to allow the Enemy to get a foothold...in...oh God, if there is anything I am holding onto or beginning to become an idol - show me! - Amen
Lord, may I remember this:
"Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4.8
Lord, there are several families that are on my heart as I type...but Lord, there are more. Lord, since I wrote this blog over a year ago - many of those couples have come and gone ..some have received healing, some felt the pressure of the world and just walked away ......it hurts. I know Brendan has been praying and IS praying for others. Lord, I know of family....Oh God....I want them all to experience YOUR full freedom because of what you did on the cross. This blog has been a bit heavy - may it speak to THOSE who need to read and hear it. Lord, bless those Someones right now, I pray protection over them. Oh God, open my eyes...I want to see with my spiritual eyes...what you WANT me to do. I will Lord. I want YOU to use me. Amen.