Ok first off...I just want to say - that on Wednesday, May 1st, I was FLAT on my back in bed. Praying every 5 minutes for pain relief and healing as over the weekend I had aggravated a disk near my L5 vertebrate and I was bed-ridden. I did not watch TV, I prayed and slept when I could!
May 1st was also my parent's 48th WEDDING anniversary! 48 years!
May 1st was also the birthday of one of my special students - who constantly challenges me and makes me smile all at the same time! Keeping her enriched is HARd to do! ...But worthwhile! I will always remember her birthday!
I have 'put off' blogging about Day #24 because--- you will notice--if you check the WHEN I post this spot --- that today is Monday, and I am blogging----- finally------ now.
Wednesday was a mile-marker.
A day that I anticipated for the past month and reviewed and reviewed this 'day'...two years ago...one year ago....and I probably re-lived the day ( 3 years ago ) over in my brain about 4x
Three years ago, I got that fateful phone call from another that turned the tables within our lives.
Now, I don't want to drag up old stuff and I really don't want this blog to be about 'the phone call' but, this blog is a turning point as from now on....I have MORE good to remember that day!
I love my husband and the past 8-9 months there has been so much healing and revealing of how GOD is making us ONE FLESH...that I am a bit more free to BREATHE and share... maybe... a bit more. In my pain following that phone call, I grasped at any blog, any inspiration, or any Christian perspective on infidelity. I grabbed and read all that I could - as I wanted help, and guidance, and peace. So, I believe that God is using this blog to help others and maybe there is one that happens across this blog and knowing that 'it ends well'.....will bring some hope to her. I know it.
I was told early on, the loss of a child and/or the pain of infidelity are two of the hardest things to forgive and get over. Now, I won't discuss 'levels' of pain here, but I know and am not going to even try to 'level' the hurt or say that my pain is as much as ....or less than....cause PAIN is PAIN. And when one is in gut wrenching situation their PAIN is real.
The pain of watching a child make the most horrendous decision.
The pain of a loved one being condemned for something they did not do.
The pain of living with an abusive mate for well over 20 + years...you see - everyone has pain.
I don't believe one person's pain is more than another's...as right then and there - it is PAIN.
But I am just saying, 3 years ago - I had some IF...... THEN....situations and I tried my best and it was hurtful - painful.
But, God does bring healing...God does restore...it just take a bit of time.
God gave me some really GOOD new memories to place on top of the yucky ones - I already mentioned my parent's anniversary. and a special birthday, but also the realization of a new dear friend that was going to be baptized -- wow -- she has made a decision that will change the rest of her life and her son's.....but probably the best thing that happened Wednesday, was me being in bed and unable to move. I had to be pampered by my man but also, he anointed me with oil and held me in prayer all day - that my sweet sisters --was a true blessing.
That was surreal.
He has prayed for me often before, but never been anointed and felt like when he said he had been praying all day ...he meant it!
But God also had me on my back and in prayer cause I have to share something about forgiveness.
Forgiveness comes in layers and I no longer believe that just ONE day it will be completely gone -- though it could, but for now....I realize that it comes in layers.
I learned that a harbored wrong can control a life - it can become what we feed off, and we can sometimes feel full or even happy with our misery.
Forgiving well means moving through the hurt and the legitimate anger that tells us we've been hurt, to a choice to release the person who inflicted the injury. Notice it is NOT an excuse...there is no effort to gloss over something. Forgiveness is about looking the pain straight in the eys and saying, "God is bigger than this.".
And God was...God is....
And I came across this piece of advice...."how can I tell if I have really forgiven?"...when there is a new willingness to stop replaying the mental tape of "how I was wronged" and THAT has occurred.
In another book I read, " I know there is forgiveness when I can't recall the details anymore".
I was reminded of Joseph in the Book of Genesis...sold by his brothers into slavery, he had MANY years in prison to work through forgiving his brothers. And it is clear he did!
I have forgiven, but it still comes up - in layers at times. I think God had me flat on my back - cause there, I had nothing to do but LOOK up to HIM.
Lord, as someone reads this tonight - it has been a HARD post to make sure that my thoughts are understandable...I don't want to say anything that would NOT be of your approval. Life it hard Lord, but I know I have moved on -- cause I never ask you anymore...'why'....I trust. And BTW Lord, when I get to heaven I won't care 'why'. Amen. Thank you Lord for forgiving me... Amen.