A message of HOPE -- when you believe you just can't________ anymore!

 I can't sleep.
 I needed a reminder of hope, as I just want something fixed and perhaps, I just can't pray anymore.

What would you place in that blank?
....maybe you just can't pray anymore ....
...maybe you just can't wait anymore....
....maybe you just can't  believe anymore.... 

Been praying for several but my heart is breaking cause  I believe one particular heart is  breaking this evening.  She is so lost.  She has no peace.  Her husband is an jerk.    THAT was not very sweet or Christ like.  However, her husband does not know Jesus.  He is in love with the world....stuff... and his own thoughts.  He is a sinner.  However, even though I want to smack him and make his eyes open -- I know that I know, God knows his heart and sent His son Jesus for him as well.

People are broken.  People are messy.   In sitting and looking back - I have pity for both of them.  They are dear to me but they are so lost.  So lost.  At times, I want to give up in praying for them.  At times, I just want to quit  -- but I can't.  I know God has placed this burden on my heart because He knows I will continue to pray and believe - no matter what.

So, as I came to my blog site this eve and I looked back at my previous blogs -- I saw the words, "a message of HOPE".  As I needed to read this again.

So, I am sharing.  As I believe,  there is another that needs this reminder. 

A message of hope.....for when you feel - YOU JUST can't anymore...... I have it posted  in my bible, and dated as to when it was passed to me.

It was a direct message from God to me through another and I believe another needs to read and believe and soak it in....Amen!

 it was written by David Wilkerson .  It was his final message before his death in April of 2011.

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable.  Jesus said to Thomas, "you have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen".  John 20.29 

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer -- who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.   

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness - the end of hope - the end of all means.   A loved one is facing death and doctors give o hope .  Death seems inevitable.  Hope is gone.  The miracle prayed for is not happening.   

That is when Satan's hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions:  "where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises.  You trusted."
Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind:  "Prayer failed, faith failed, don't quit on god-- just do not trust Him anymore. It does not pay!"  

Even questioning God's existence will be injected into your mind.  These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.   

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word:  Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights - and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, "I am with you. I Cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. 

 It was no accident. 

It was no failure on your part. 

 Hold fast. 

Let me embrace you in your hour of pain."  

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail -- his love prevails.  Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word.  There is no other hope in this world.  

- David Wilkerson

Sister Wives, Love Boat, Zombie Remodel, and Me

Psalm 94 vs. 16-19 in the Message bible says:

Who stood up for me against the wicked?  Who took my side against evil workers?  If GOD had not been there fore me, I never would of made it.  The minute I said, " I 'm slipping, I'm falling, " your love, GOD , took hold and held me fast.  When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. 

 The photo right here was snapped exactly 6 years ago.  May 12, 2010.

Today I had a bit of a wrestling match or a pity party with God.  Not with Jesus...God.  Let me explain.   And I pray I did not grieve Holy Spirit as I did. 

I know how significant this photo is. It was a night where my kids were trying to help me get a photo taken with my new I phone.  I had crossed  over.

  Six years ago, I also spent the afternoon watching a few children give their Tropicana Speeches and a good 90 minutes with my counselor --an intense session where  forgiveness was the topic and task.  That is what  God asks us to do  -- so why today did I wrestle with God?  

I am not sure.... probably because this life is HARD and I just needed to wrestle with God today! 

Maybe my activities this past weekend added to my thoughts and my wrestling today -- ??

This past weekend, I watched a bit of the Sister Wives drama.  I was intrigued- I admit.  There was scandal and rumor of an affair.  After an hour of watching interviews, fast forwarding through commercials and stupid stuff -- I came to this conclusion -- they need help and prayer!   I told Bren later on, all I kept hearing over and over was, "I am different now, I don't know what I  want, I just need to research what can make me happy, I felt...and I ...and I  and I ....".  There was so much of ME ME ME ME ME ..... and their needs, their desires and with each interview I found myself yelling at the TV -- YOU need Jesus!!  ( Lord, why am I watching this?)   Not that NBC or TLC would ask me, but each of those women need Jesus and a good dose of  Psalm 139.  They have such holes within their lives and hearts.  They have been deceived.   THE ONLY redeeming thing I got from that show was to hear the older children of these women ... they WON'T do the plural lifestyle...they have all decided -- they want ONLY one person to marry.

Praise God.    I thought about that  -- the joy I get from seeing my child enjoy her marriage and the joy I get from praying for my son's future wife and family -- I enjoy that.  These women  will watch and hear this over and over - how their children don't want to walk in their footsteps.  

I felt that spoke VOLUMES.         They will have to watch their children and their choices for all of their lives and be reminded that their children choose NOT to follow their example.  Sad.   There are many mixed up people.    There are many that need Jesus! 

 Love Boat, yep - life seemed much easier when that show was on every Saturday.  And Zombie Remodel is a new show my man and I have found -- kind of cool watching them fix up old homes in Orlando! Perhaps thats what I want from God ....a zombie remodel!!     Yes, Lord, take this 'sore' and old body and remake it -- new!!  Amen. 

So...there is my head and my thoughts --I do want some radical things around me to change.  


And then....


Who stood up for me against the wicked?  Who took my side against evil workers?  If GOD had not been there fore me, I never would of made it.  The minute I said, " I 'm slipping, I'm falling, " your love, GOD , took hold and held me fast.  When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.  



Who stood up for me against the wicked?  God has -- HE won.  And right now, even though I am frustrated with some choices a few around me are making -- or have made....  He knows.  

God will stand up against the wicked for YOU too.....

Who took my side against evil workers?  God has.  God did.  6 years ago I made a conscious decision to sit with a therapist and put Satan in  a chair and tell him off.  I also placed other 'symbols' in that chair and I made a list of WHAT I need to forgive,   WHOM I  needed to forgive, and then I did it.  I  forgave and freedom was declared.  Now as I left her office to go home, I did not feel very different but I had made a choice to believe God.    I decided to 'faith it until I felt it'. 

God will take YOUR side as well -- but, is there unforgiveness that needs to be dealt with?  Is there anger that must be revolved? All  it takes at first is a cry to Him --

If GOD had not been there fore me, I never would of made it.  God reminded me today while I was wrestling with Him that He is not passive and HE is at work.  

 I  borrowed that thought or truth from Ps. James.  He reminded me of that this past Sunday.  God is continually pursuing His children.  I have been watching those around me and deciding whom should get a cattle prod zap and whom needs to get on their knees and that watching is NOT what He wanted me to do.  I had to repent the 'fixer' in me.    

God also reminded me that I must wait and be patient when it comes to this or that...and I have to have faith when it comes to this one or that one.  

Do you feel the same?  If it were NOT for Christ -- would you of made it?   Thank Him right now for what He has done and know -- He is not finished yet!!  

The minute I said, " I 'm slipping, I'm falling, " your love, GOD , took hold and held me fast.   God did that the minute I cried out back six years ago and He did that again today when I cried out.  I actually sent an email to my husband and asked him to pray for me. 

 Then God brought me a sweet precious sister in Christ where I could vent and through her, HE reminded me that when I slip -- He is there.  Whether I am bothered by a hang nail,   another's sad plight, or even the answer to a question that been prayed for ....now for over six months!!   Another sweet woman reminded me about Moses this past weekend and how God spoke to him and gave him an assignment and with that assignment, He reminded Moses that He was the I AM.  So therefore, the I AM knows my head and heart today and as I wrestled with God, HE knew the outcome.  He knew Jesus would be there to pick me up and He knew Holy Spirit would teach me to dig deep and believe -- not because of WHAT I have seen God already do, but because I know that I know -- God will provide, win , and that He is a good good father.  

I caught myself pleading with God, "Lord, I have been faithful - why can't you HURRY on this one prayer..." And as that precious sister reminded me -- "Michelle, I think He wants you to be still and wait".    Probably. 


If you are slipping and falling right now -- HE will meet you right where you are at!  Just call upon and call out to Him! 
 
 When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. God did.  It is in those moments where I know -- my flesh wants to have a pity party and cry and yet my head and heart knows -- there is NO need cause God has delivered me and provided.    THAT is the wrestling....and I just need time for it to pass -- to call upon God.  And God will answer those prayers for those other women -- just like HE met me today.  I am human.  He knows.  


Lord,  there are several women today that are in dire stratights.  They need a miracle - yesterday.  Lord, they love you and You know them best.  Provide.  Lord, that each of them, seeking you will read Your word this eve and be able to say ..." I am slipping and I am falling".... That they would be able to journal or blog a WHOLE bunch of HOW you met them.  As Lord, I can't meet their needs -- ONLY You can.  Lord,  take this burden from me.  Lord,  that this frustration from me.  Lord, allow me to SEE the work of Your hands.  I will be Yours hands and feet, but in these moments where it seems like there is a stalemate or MORE crud is revealed  ...and it hurts my heart - give me the words to share from Your Word.  Give me the patience -- I know you have GIVEN me patience already but I need some EXTRA patience -- just send one more angel on my behalf to whisper in my ear -- I want to hear from You even more Lord.  I want to do Your will even more... I want that LOVE You have for all of me and others to spill out of me - to others.  Use me Lord.  

And Lord, for that one this eve that is ready to quit -- help her.  In Jesus name.  Amen.  
May she wrestle with You Lord like Jacob did -- and be changed forever.
Amen.  

Insecurity --

 So, I am monitoring a group on Facebook and we are doing a book study called, So Long Insecurity, You have been a very bad friend to me by Beth Moore.

Just saying the word Insecurity brings forth Insecurity.
The definition in the dictionary is simply: insecurity = not secure.

So, just let me know what transpired -- just YESTERDAY....



  I went to the Simulcast yesterday and walked in with no one really 'at my side'. I did not say I was going to meet anyone there, but I sort of felt someone would say, 
 "hey Michelle, sit next to me". 
 No one did.
 In fact, I saw two 'single' ladies walk in and their girlfriends WAVED them down to come and join them. 

 No one waived me down. 

But honestly -- I do like sitting by myself at times...then I can cry and not explain myself,  or I can just people watch and slip out the back door if I am in an uncomfortable situation or  if I don't want to stay.   

As the Simulcast began and I began to see more 'groups' join the sanctuary...the enemy started. 

 "You are not the best friend type". 
 "See, no one wanted to sit with you". 

 Therefore, I took out my journal and began to write like I KNEW something no one else did --- and I began to write down the lies the enemy was speaking to me and then I would write back:

 "I am a child of the most high God and I want to sit by myself to focus on hearing from YOU Lord". 

"Satan, I don't need a pal to sit next too -- I am secure in Christ"

Then I looked around again at the groups of women sitting and chatting and actually the two women that were at the end of my row, got up and moved.  So I sat there totally by myself in a row of 12.   At that point - I laughed out loud to my self.  And continue to write...   

"really Lord?" 

.....and you know what, after 3-4 minutes of writing a letter to myself and God.. a dear sister in Christ sat right down next to me and said:

 "hey, I thought that was you Michelle...Perfect!". 

 About 20 minutes later, her 'best buddy" came and sat down by the two of us.   I moved over and we were a group of three.  

So, I grabbed my journal and wrote:   

"Thank you Lord,  you brought forth Stella, so there Satan - ha ha". 

 And I began to sing as it was praise and Worship time. 


So anyway..... later in the afternoon...at a break time... God sweetened my plea.

You see, I believe, yes, I  believe God  REWARDED me because I FOUGHT the lies with the truth...even though it felt a little lonely and weird.... 

We were to share something with the ones sitting next to us in obedience as Pricilla Shirer asked to to complete a task and and I did, but also.....

That sweet sister, looked at her two pals  - one at her left  (me) and  one at her right ( her true BFF) and reminded us both...that it was at a bible study I did -- back in my classroom back in 2009...where she was saved.

I had invited her BFF...Lori as she was a sweet friend of mine and she invited her.  

 It was at a bible study that I did ... just cause I needed to FILL up time and knew somewhere I was to do something for God ..... but my LIFE at that moment -- was hell.... it sucked. 

 I was married..but I did not have a marriage.... it was crumbling and my thoughts were that I should do a bible study and God would reward me. funny me.....

I did it out of obligation -- wanting to GET something back from God -- some insight into my crumbling marriage.  

God wastes NOTHING.  

I don't know Beth Personally -- but if I did, I know she would LAUGH at this photo and OK it's publishing....   as she is a public figure and she would say, "if it will help one person get over their insecurity- go ahead and publish the thang". 

Anyway -- she did receive Christ while I facilitated that Bible Study and she hugged me many a times as I taught with her those last few years at CENTRAL.... and now -- Look where we are. 

She is a sister in Christ that is being Jesus's hands and feet in her church and she has done much in the past 6 years!!    

More than many accomplish in a lifetime!  



"So there Satan -- what you thought would BRING me down and 'hurt'...did not and God turned it around - totally - a 360." 

 *************************************************************************
So lesson on insecurity:  

THAT is how deliberate we must be in this war we are in.  
We must constantly override the lies with HIS truth... period. 
 And even when we 'seem' to have it together -- we don't. 

Insecurity has roots in fear, jealousy, and hurt --   God has to be the one we hold all 'truth' to ..over 8000+ promises in the bible and we choose to believe Satan's lies.  

I believe we are in this life..at this time in God's Kingdom calendar because HE has equipped us to do something...

It is called OBEY God's word. 
It is...   believe in HIS Word.  

It is to READ HIS Word....   God is calling us - every moment -- are you secure in WHAT you are suppose to be doing for Him or are you consumed within yourself and feeling pity cause you are sitting with NO friends at an event?  

Sorry -- I did not mean that literally -- but, I believe YOU are getting the point.  

We have to be secure IN HIM... We need that . 
We were created to CRAVE that.   HiS security.  

I highly suggest Beth Moore's book -- highly.  
We just started the book/bible study.  It is NOT to late to join us.  
Just message me.  But do it today!  

- humbled...just a humble, simple lamb ....seeking Him, being His...   doing what He has called me to do - amen.  

- Michelle 

Expecting #22 -- Our WORDS... HE is asking us to be different!

  ^{On Monday morning......}

^{The Holy Spirit awoke me up and gave me a list of  of subjects for this prayer /blog for the next few days -- today is the FIRST one HE gave me....}

  <sup>Mathew 5.37

37</sup> All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.^{[a]  - NIV}  

Matthew 5:37The Message (MSG)

Empty Promises

^33-37 “And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.

  And finally:  

Philippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

This means....I watch my tongue.  

I watch what I 'share' on FB. 

I watch what I comment on.  

And it may mean that it is time to refine a few things.  

Our words and our speech should always glorify HIM.  And show Jesus' love.  

Lord,  for my sister in Christ who KNOWS this and has taught me more than she knows....this post is more for ME today -- than another -- God - my words will be few...
God my words will edify.God - forgive me -- thank you for allowing me t be made new - each morning...In Jesus name...Amen.  

Expecting Day #15

I chose a photo of HP  after playing soccer.  Soccer has brought so much travel, joy, and fun to our lives.  But there is a HARD part to it as well.

 Honestly, soccer played a part of the separation that started between my husband and I.  Business.   Busy. Busy. Busy.  We became so busy with club sports -- with both kids that the enemy was able to get into our lives. Volleyball and soccer.

It just did.  Fact is a fact.

Today I was reminded of something, because a friend of mine is really suffering.  This person is heartbroken and this person is trying their best to survive.

She is thinking that she can't forgive....

She is thinking that she deserves better...

She is thinking that  she won't ever be HURT like this again...

And she does not want to extend mercy --  

This friend is not the women that I have been blogging prayer for -- but she is a women that is just as important as my 'BB'...and she is just as important as the woman reading this that is anonymous....because GOD will use this to encourage and speak to WHOM HE wants.  

No matter what the 'reason' is for the brokenness -- pain is pain.  Life is hard.  This is not our home - this is our temporary home - until heaven.  THERE is where, our hearts will be forever happy.

Before I had full disclosure of what the enemy was using to  destroy our marriage, I was deep in bible studies and deeply searching for answers as to 'our problem'....what could it be?   ....what was it?  ....what could I change?

In a Beth Moore bible study,  in July of 2009, I had this divine experience or meeting with God.  In one of her  (Beth's) realistic  and over the top illustrations -- she used the verse from Isaiah 41.10 -- and the end of it says...."I will uphold you with MY righteous right hand".

Beth went on about 'what if'.....  She had been in a season of her marriage where all of a sudden she was struck with this fear that her husband would eventually leave her for another woman.  And it became an obsession within her prayer time -- never letting it versed to her husband, but the enemy used that time to try and trip her up.  She used that time to SEEK God and thus had this 'over the top' illustration.    If you watch her on programs, I have seen her repeat this story and illustration a few more times on Life Today, and I laugh now -- but I was not laughing then.  

Again, part of the story is, "what if my man had an affair?".   And she goes on and on..."what if...".  She explains that she had this conversation with God and God replied, "well, What if that was true?  What would you do?".  

NOW...this is where it gets real.  She expressed a story that made me laugh - but in hindsight...it was GOD preparing me for a similar conversation that I would have  -several months later.  

She wrestled back and forth and finally told God, "well, I would cry for at least 3 weeks..."
And God said, "then what?"
She replied, " I would cry even more when I found out that my daughters would get along with her..."
And God said, "then what?"
"Well, Lord, I would need lots of chocolate and time by myself and I would probably need some medication for awhile..."
And God said, "then what?"
"And I would probably sell my house, maybe move away, and retreat somewhere..."
And God said, "then what?" 

And finally after going back and forth -- Beth says, "well, I would have to pick myself up, dust off my face, and I would still love you Lord, and I would have to forgive him, and my girls for liking her....and then.... I would dry my eyes....  get back to going to church, and seek You Lord for what is next"....

"Because Lord, when it comes down to it...this is only temporary and my Life with You Lord, is what I crave -- And Lord, YOU would use it for Your glory and I would be fine!" 

I will try and be brief but at that moment - THAT verse  ( Isaiah 41.10) became so alive to me.  I literally looked down to my right hand and I had been holding onto a metal object and I could see the IMPRINT of the object in the palm of my hand -- my skin... had an imprint.  It did.   I knew at that moment - God was RIGHT there with me -- holding my hand -- so hard that there was in imprint in my skin.

The entire verse says:   Fear not, I am with You; be not dismayed, for I am your God!  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

So, I got that verse in July of 2009.  The rest of the summer and fall was  tension filled days, night after night of silent crying, and sleeping on the couch and I am pretty sure that if I went back to REWIND the year - you would see that I probably cried daily or cried out to God daily -- 'what the hell is going on?'

I had started going back to church but I was so tired of being there alone, that I just gave up and watched church on line.  I kept busy, and there were many soccer tournaments to go to - where we could put on the FAKE smiles and pretend that all was well.     Now in retrospect....some 5+ years later....'what the heck was I waiting for?' Oh wait, I know --- God.

I knew I was to be waiting on Him.  I was in counsel with a wonderful woman of God and soaking up all she could teach me, but I could never come home and share it with anyone.  I did any and every bible study I could get my hands on.  There was one on Mondays and I even hosted one  myself on Tuesdays - I FILLED up my nights.   There were moments or  maybe weeks where 'things' would get better   between my husband and I ---- and then, go sour again.  I knew at that point that my husband was in some sort of mid-life crisis...just did not know the entire scope of it.

 I knew I was not going to leave my husband and I kind of figured he wanting nothing to do with me and later - that was proved true....but I share this now not to get pity --but to look back and realize....that was a YEAR of pain....but a year where I had to daily go right back to my Lord and SEEK HIS word and somehow....I got through it.  And by 2010, when the floodgate was opened and truth was revealed -- I may of been CRUSHED but not defeated....as that verse was memorized and believed.

So, I am sharing this, why?  So my friend knows it will take at least a   year....NO!

Believe me...I would NOT wish that on anyone - I share it to let  my friend know - it takes time.

And I have shared this before- I USED to HATE God's timing, but now I know and realize that  God's timing is best.  And we must trust it.

Sure, THAT is easy for me to say now - that my marriage has been restored and my relationship with my husband now  is something that we never experienced before.  But, I am not naive and I am pretty sure that both my husband and I are targets for the enemy -- so, I am sure that more YUCK will be thrown our way - but this time, we will meet the challenge united with God.

Meanwhile.... back to my friend......to live each day with that broken heart or brokenness...

God knows.  YOU are NOT alone. 

  GOD knows -- exactly and HE will make HIS word real to you.   

Lord, I pray that YOUR Word is coming alive to my friend  - AMEN.
And Lord -- may she get that revelation ...that she  know that she is being held by You...by Your righteous right hand.  And Lord, for the other women reading this -- listening to YOU speak to their hearts and heads ....Lord, YOU will  win.  Amen. 

Homework:
Read Isaiah 41 this evening and think.... will you allow God to imprint HIS love on You?

decisions - 101

Lots of decisions were made in this past week, and many were made for me.

My husband broke his nose,  another's ( it was an accident ) elbow sent him on a  a trip to the ER and it was  confirmed -- broken in 4 pieces/places.  The next day brought more confirmation and scheduled surgery --Thursday.  Plans got interrupted as were were to head to Louisiana with HP and watch some Regional Soccer U19 competition.

That decision was made for us!

I was 'frustrated' at God for a moment  - and when I say that --I say that so carefully, cause it was NOT God that caused the broken nose...nor was it Satan...it was just life and it was an accident.  I do believe God knew it would happen and HE chose to let it happen...cause I know HE works everything for His good- our good and for HIS purposes.  So...for some reason - God wanted the two of us - alone for a week, just resting and allowing the nose to heal and me -- having the opportunity to pamper the patient.   Surgery went well and the nurses continue to wonder how he is not on major pain medication.  ( cause we PRAYED! )  Currently, my husband is ok - nose is sore, but no major pain, it is just AWKWARD with a brace on and two 6 inch  splints stuck up the  nasal cavities and sneezing makes my heart stop each time!    And the Nedi 'showers' help keep everything moist but his nose is constantly dripping.  Again, decisions - to see the 'good' in all of this!

More decisions.... the a/c broke - who do I  call?   Situations at our insurance office...prayerfully thinking ....  The women that seek me for prayer ....God ...only YOU can answer....  The women I seek for prayer -- show me quickly Lord what I need to do, help me to do what YOU ask...  And, I have this incredible God thing that is coming ...and I have some decisions to make -- I am not making them...I am prayerfully seeking God's lead!  

My calendar and the Holy Spirit reminded me of a fateful decision that was made -- exactly 3 years ago today -- June 21, 2011.....and how, in that moment -within that day - GOD was there and HE...I know HE made the decisions.

Let me give you backstory:

Often, I will get a person asking me to pray for them because  "I am so strong"...and I want to scream..it is not me..it is GOD THAT is strong.  However, they see  something in me ....was it because they knew how my marriage was broken and in their minds it could never be fixed and now it is? ....is it because there is something that shines out of my mouth..?  I pray to God -- it is LIGHT...HIS LIGHT...but seriously, sometimes I stop and think - it was not that hard of a decision to forgive and believe that a marriage could be saved.  Let me explain...

Joyce Meyer's poster says it all.... I was at a time and place in my life where 'doing the same thing'..was NOT working.  And I had to SEEK God...totally.  Believe me...I really did think I had it all figured out - but I had no clue.   And God had been preparing me - I had been SEEKING God because there was just stuff within my life that was not working and I was in a sad and sorry spot -- so I had begun to get counsel.  Then....  the earthquake hits.

Getting back to 3 years ago -- I knew.  I knew that when I was given some very hurtful and damaging news, I knew I was to forgive --- cause God had spoken to my heart and head prior to receiving the news ...that I 'was to show grace and mercy'...and God had given  me  this supernatural love for another human that had hurt me terribly...but -- I knew I was to hang in there.   So, what may appear to others as being 'strong'....is really just obedience.  I knew that I knew - I was NOT going to face Jesus one day and have Him ask me, "why didn't you do what I asked?".


Now it was not easy -- and after a good 9 months, I came to the point where I knew that I knew  that no matter what -- what the outcome of my personal crisis would be---would I  get divorced?   Would I stay in 'limbo'?  Or would this marriage be saved?----but as I said, I knew God was in control.

And I submitted to HIS authority and I was seeking and serving Him.   What did it look like?  It  looked like....going to church, being committed to a cell or small group...and it meant that I was walking as if Jesus was right next to me.  Every moment, I  would call unto Him. And sometimes those calls to Him -- were desperate fits of RAGE but then praise and honor and seeking HIS face.   And it meant MANY nights alone, with my bible on my chest - crying myself to sleep - hoping that tomorrow would be the day where God walked into our lives and just fixed it all.  And there were many just 'blah' days...where all I could do was put on praise and worship music, and pray out loud to myself and Jesus ...for a miracle.  As I did that, and as the enemy would attack....I continued to speak the words that God had promised to me...."I will heal the broken-hearted".   And finally, there were the days when I just wanted to give up and God would provide and send one of HIS angels ...in the flesh via a phone call or text or someone would message me on Facebook and I would be in tears -- knowing that God was speaking to me directly - comforting through His people.   Then you just have to believe...and live for another 5 minutes.  Soon, 5 minutes becomes 30 and then 30 becomes an hour...and all of a sudden you have made it through the day.   Amen.

So back to that 'being strong' comment....I was only as strong as HIS Word would lift me up that day.

Decisions.

More backstory but you should understand the title of my blog today.....

Now I stated  3 years ago another decision was made.  3 years ago today -- my  husband had a revelation of sorts and he had to make a decision. A situation presented itself that had to be dealt with -- it was a pivotal day.  A day now, I see where all of heaven was probably in battle...there was definitely a spiritual warfare going on -- as I see now 3 years later and all the GOOD that has come from this decision -- no wonder Satan did his merry best to prevent us from healing!  ...Just saying...

Today, 3 years later, I stop and think...how HARD it must of been for him.  I mean, he made a decision to believe that 'one day...he could  look in my eyes and know that I was God's intended for him'.   Gulp.  Even as I type that - it is hard to read.  But THAT is the reality.

A marriage that is broken - our marriage - was  suffering because of one person's actions....but what we were  dealing with was  a symptom --- there was OTHER stuff wrong somewhere ...with  BOTH partners.   Mee too.   I mean...when a person is hurting - they hurt others.  When the enemy is lying to a person and in turn that person listens and then acts upon it....the couple will suffer -- but for the couple to REUNITE...to RENEW...to REFIX...there has to be a fixing on BOTH parts.   There has to be some changes on BOTH parts...and doing the same thing - just does not work.

And that is how he felt at that point...from his perspective at that moment -- nothing had changed...nothing would change...and the enemy had him believing that he never really loved me from Day#1.  So, for him to make a decision -- to actually pray and  allow godly counsel to remind him of WHAT God's word says...was really a big deal.

 And I believe -- it took more faith at THAT moment for him to believe that -- than it did for me to believe that one day -- we would be celebrating our healed marriage.  I do.  I just do.  As I saw what 'he felt' ...and I could see how 'he was thinking'...and I knew that I knew -- he did was not trusting God.  But, at that moment, that night -- he took a leap of faith and prayed one more time...and said, "God, if this is going to work - it has to be ALL YOU".

I know that THOUSANDS of heavenly angels were all around that room and whispering to him...'believe'...and I know that God's divine hand was upon that kitchen table as my husband and his godly counsel chatted...and I know that it was God that SOLD our home within 5 weeks - and we moved within the next 3 months...to begin a new chapter in our lives.

 I know it.

 And God moved - quickly -- to show a man with little faith at that time - that HE was in control.

And I know that on that DAY -- the HOLY Spirit intervened in me as well.  As I took a phone call from a panic'd  and confused  husband  right before he went to seek godly counsel....as he asked me what I was going "to do"?    And it was the Holy Spirit that spoke the next reply out of my mouth - as I had been in prayer and fasting that day -- the Holy Spirit had been preparing me  that revelation was being revealed on that day.

 So when he asked me what I was going to do? -- I know what I said  but it  was the Holy Spirit speaking through me -- as it was not rehearsed, and it the words were that  I was 'done' if he did not choose our family.   There it was said.  13 months of 'hell' had been summed up finally and I knew, as I said it was not rehearsed, but it was the Holy Spirit speaking through me with courage.... And I had such peace.  Such peace.   Did I really say that?  I remember hanging up the phone after our conversation and speaking to God, "Lord, that had to be YOU, what did I just say?  I have been thinking about so many responses Lord for MONTHS...and now, today ..this is what comes out?    So Lord,  I will trust that was YOU speaking, as I don't believe I would of had the courage to say - it is  done if he is not going to pick us - I know you will provide  ...so Lord, now I will trust YOU in this.  Amen. " And that peace....did not leave me that day, that night....that weekend.


OK - SO WHY am I sharing all of this today?

One... I love celebrating 360's...and today - my husband and I are healed...our marriage is a strong one cause we work at it and we BOTH seek God first.  There was a miracle that occurred within our hearts and our lives - we acknowledge that and we marvel at that as other couples around us struggle.   And today...3 years ago was a pivotal day -- a day where one decision changed the course of a marriage and a family.

A day where I know, I relied upon the Holy Spirit within me to TAKE over...and a day where I know that a man -- made ONE last attempt to trust God - a decision that was pivotal!

People make decisions every day -- I wonder how many decisions we make on our own -- without HIS counsel...or how many decisions we should  go back and  turn around...cause we did not SEEK God first.

I wonder how many decisions we regret...

And I believe that someone -- reading this today -- needed to hear something within my words, they needed encouragement and they also needed perspective ....

SEEK HIM...believe in HIS Word and what HE has promised...

And I believe that several marriages ...several people are making decisions based on feelings...instead of DOING something different -- and SEEKING HIM for restoration, counsel, and fixing.

And I believe that if they  will...seek HIM..and take that leap of faith and TRY - just one more time...the REWARDS on THIS side...are heavenly!  And we both know - what God can do and we want others to experience WHAT God does!

Someone needs the reminder -- there is NOTHING that HE can't heal...fix...or restore...with HIS divine help and ...often professional counsel.

Both my husband and I  will say it often...I would never try to fix a cavity by going to my Pastor.  I mean, I will pray for healing...and I will seek prayer...but, many times, God does not fix the cavity we get from our own indulgence with chocolate...so then we must go to the dentist.  Seek some professional help.

There are consequences because of our actions - and seeking a Christian professional therapist -- is indeed  -- a good thing...and it works.  Having a 3rd party to look you both in the face -- to remind you of the definition of insanity....is eye opening and freeing...and liberating.  There is no shame. Don't let the enemy convince you that nothing will change!

And I will add this in...most health plans cover 4-8 sessions with a therapist - do the work, make a phone call...be willing to SEEK help and believe that God can do for YOU -- what HE did in our marriage and our lives.

God wins.

Always.

But when we are obedient...we WIN too!
amen.
- humbled and believing for MANY marriages that my husband and I prayed for today -- as we  rested!

a letter to my Dad...

Me and My Dad - September 2013

Good morning Dad --

It is June, and it is Saturday, so I bet you are on your way to a Dairy Breakfast somewhere Wisconsin.  I know you - and you will travel even an hour to Washington County or even 2 hours for the chance to look at all the farmland on your way there, supervise in your own head how that particular farmer is doing and then enjoy God's creation and notice everything.  Everything!   How do I know that -- ??  I am your daughter...your oldest, the first one....  And...even though I have spent more years now in Florida and away from you -- I spent enough Sundays riding in the car after church,  and visits home to know some of your habits of delight.

Like a few years ago, when I was in a sad and sorry spot...I got into a vehicle with you and mom and we drove....um.....3-4 hours north to visit a Hay Expo.  ???  Yep.   Yes -- I was not dressed as a farm girl and walking in those fields with my flip flops,  watching different implement companies display their 'best' hay making machines was sort of an oxymoron; and,   I will be honest, I could tell the difference between the different types of hay makers and rakes  and that kind of scared me.    It was sort of funny - but VERY sweet.  I so enjoyed the time spent with Uncle Tony and you and mom.  And I believe secretly you were just trying to cheer me up in the hopes that maybe an 'old boyfriend' would be there and we all could chat.  Mind you - I was flattered.  LOL

Ok -so, like I said, you are probably driving to a Dairy Breakfast where you will enjoy everyone there and make small talk with many.  It is funny, that is the quality I got from you that I like the 'least'.   I don't like being in strange places and mingling and yet -- I watched you all my younger life - you have a gift of making a person feel special.  Good thing I married a 'talker'....so I can stay quiet most times, but when I am by myself - I can talk and make small conversation and I know you and mom are experts at it and I thank you.   I am thankful for you both in that --

I also bet you notice exactly which farms seem to be prospering and which seem to be failing... simply because of what appears on the outside but also because you read a lot and keep up on the local news - farming news.  I know you have a PHD in growing crops and watching the condition of the dairy cows to tell exactly what the farmer is doing well and not so well.  Your gift of discernment and memory has been deposited in me too...my memory can be a blessing and it can be a curse.  LOL  But I thank you and mom both for that --

I also can see you sitting in the farmer's shed or barn...enjoying the pancake breakfast and asking for a 3rd sausage but not too much -- as you don't like to be STUFFED and then there will be chocolate milk to drink and at least ONE ice cream cone!!  Maybe?  Maybe not?   But you see there always had to be a little SWEET at the end of the meal -- I quote you each time Brendan and I share a 'BITE' of dessert.  A meal is just not complete if the last bite is not a sweet one!  LOL

I bet you have one grandkid with you - or maybe not...you have been known to just take off by yourself  -- I do that too.   And I bet you will walk around, think and dream of how that farmer can do it better and how you remember your own farm and such.

I also pray that you are smiling -- and enjoying the day -- the weekend.  Or...you could be cutting hay  or could you still be planting some grass or hay?   And I bet if there is a local band, playing polka music you will take the time to sit around and enjoy it and think about your dad as well playing his concertina.

So, whatever you are doing....I just wish you a very sweet and Happy Father 's Day.
I love you - and I am proud to call you dad.

I pray that God pours his favor all over you - that you receive your secret most desires and that HIS love just permeates and fills your soul.   I know you love to read the Gospels and I pray that as you read in John or Luke - the story of Jesus continues to fill your heart with hope and love..as much love as Jesus feels for you - and me. I pray that as you read and mediate on His Word, your heart will be filled and more revelation about Christ and His love for the Body of Christ  -- will spill onto your life.  ( And mom's )   And I pray that you will grow deeper in Love with HiM...as that happens, you will love mom more...love us kids more...and love yourself more too...as YOU are indeed a man worthy to be died for - Jesus did that for each of us.  I love you Dad... Many kids have to have 'therapy' because of their childhood -- I want to publically say this  ...YOU were the BEST dad you could be...and I know  you did the BEST you could.  I have no regrets ( well...maybe some of those shouting matches could of been avoided ) .....but, as an adult now...and a parent...I can see and understand how stress can play havoc into much of our lives.  I am NOT perfect and within all the chaos there were tears and frustrations.....but there was love too.  And many excellent values were taught and demonstrated and as I continue grow older myself and get to listen to other women as part of my own ministry and just living...I know that I know ...we were well loved...protected...and cared for and God knew exactly WHAT he was doing when HE placed a fire in Your spirit for our Mom -- and I will continue to pray and believe that the two of you WILL grow OLD together....and have the peace and fulfillment that You both deserve!  

 And..BTW...I hope you know - I am very proud of you and how you have 'mellowed' out in your 'later' years...I can see that once us kids left...you had a little more 'peace'....but I pray that each of the 9 of us..continue to show you grace, mercy, and honor...as your are our DAD.  I love you - mom too - and I look forward to when you can spend some of your winters in the South...so, I can learn even more about you.  You once told Daryl, "that Michelle...her faith is strong"...That was the BIGGEST compliment you could of ever given me...it is not me...it is Christ that lives in me...and that faith...that freedom...that JOY in spite of yucky and hard times...is what HE wants for ALL of us...including every one around me and you.  I love you Dad...God loves you more...and I love mom too -- please know - you are loved and prayed for daily.   Much love,  Michelle  and Brendan too! 

aka - pumpkin...
aka - Chelly

The 9 of us......2009.

PS....  I wrote this today - Saturday in the morning...by the time I came to POST it -- My sister and my Dad had GONE to the Dairy Breakfast with TP and well the photos add a bit.  LOL.
Too funny!  I KNEW that is where my Dad was headed today!!

MyDaughter and her Aunt (auntie Dee ) and her girls....

My Dad and Daughter #3...Diandra!  Yep they are on a bus!  Oliver is in the back...

What did I say about Chocolate milk?  

And can you tell....?  They are in a shed...at a Dairy Breakfast - if you have ever visited Wisconsin in June..you'd understand!    It is a RIGHT of Passage..... many fond memories! 

the end... thanks for reading!

humility...

It was  an act of humility.------ Jesus had to leave His throne of glory.  He became man, and thus granted us eternal redemption.

Philippians 2. 5-8
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross!  

God's burning desire is for souls.
God wins.
We win when we have been obedient and allowed God to use us -- and another is saved.

This is nothing short of a miracle in itself.
Think about it.

Proverbs 11.30
"The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise."

I heard something today that really made me think.

I know in my own life -- I chased after God for a VERY LONG time and I judged others and always --  compared their lives to mine.   I was raised that way -- to look at what others were doing and then compare.  From those standards I could tell myself if I was 'better' or 'needed improvement'.  Now mind you -- I am not blaming my parents.  I am not blaming grandparents,  culture, or the fact I  grew up on a dairy farm....I really am not.

  I will not allow the enemy to remind me to BLAME my past.  My past is not to blame.  But...the way I was taught and what I saw on TV and around me - did shape my thoughts and how I behaved.  IN a sense, we are all a product of our environments.

That is just me.   So, as I said, I can go back to the 'old chell' very quickly - I have not forgotten her.

And when I do - I  get a VERY SICK feeling -- of shame-- if I allow myself to go there.  But, I have been forgiven.

I  used to judge others.    I looked at others and felt they were 'freaks'.  I especially looked at people in church and judged them.  I really felt the 'better' church was a big church.  ( Did I say that?)  In smaller churches -- where people did not look like me -- they just did not HAVE it put together like I did...or we did.

I was so wrong.

God used a very sad and yucky situation to change and rebuild me.

I am a former IDIOT.    I am.

But now...when I hear a nonbeliever, or  a very judgmental believer, or just a random person that has no clue  making a comment on something --  I  WANT to jump into their brain and say --- "WHOA...WAIT.... Do you realize that you are judging another by your own standards, have you read the bible lately?  And when was the last time you walked a lost one to the feet of Jesus?"

James 5.20
"he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins".  

I really DO NOT wish any crisis of faith on another person.
I would not want to walk my 'best friend' through the doors that I have walked through but I would if I needed to.

I heard my Pastor say something  once and he was speaking about the fact if he found a brother in Christ in trouble - he would -- "if I got a phone call that you were in the most seedy place and you were shooting up or doing something unmentionable...I would come and get you...love you, pray for you...and walk with you so that you could be restored--cause I love you".

That is WHAT Jesus did.  That is what Jesus would do.  My Pastor taught me something that  very day -- that no matter what ...Jesus already paid the price and love does cover a multitude of sins.  Every person - every sinner deserves a 2nd chance.    I am not to determine "whom"...that is for God to judge.

I was really saddened  by what transpired with Ps. Bob Coy.  I have listened to him faithfully.  But, he is just a man.  Humans will fail us.  No one is immune to the enemy.  It is a constant daily walk with our Lord and we use our armor to fight the enemy.   I prayed that he had a Pastor friend or someone like my Pastor and I pray that he is being restored...with love...his entire family.   I prayed that God had a friend like my Pastor that would speak those very same words over him.

But as I said earlier, I would not want  a crisis of faith to be 'wished' upon another so they get it...or so they MUST seek God...cause MAYBE then they will really allow Jesus to be their Savior, not just the character they believe died for them.

Maybe then....they would be more than a spectator at church.
Maybe then they would see church as a place of healing instead of a place of rules.
Maybe then they would interact and want to be more than just a weekly visitor.
Maybe then...they would not think they are better than the rest of us 'freaks'....
Maybe then...they would understand that  the enemy has lied to them -- and that their 'playing' church is NOT going to save them.....

I believe it is a privilege now to serve my Lord and share with others the JOY and FREEDOM that has finally fallen upon my head and heart.  And, even if it took me 44 years to figure it out...ok.  And even if it took a very painful journey...Ok.  I am grateful for it - I am.  Really.

And, even if I am considered a 'freak'..... I know that I know - I am doing WHAT HE has asked me to do and I am blessed beyond measure.  And even if, I am persecuted because of it -- my rewards are in heaven!  

I could share a personal blessing that God just gave me today -- about something....but - it is for me and HE to share....I know that I know..... that when  HE heard me crying and shedding many tears...HE looked at me and gently whispered..."it will be ok"....and then the Holy Spirit whispered into my ears and said, "it will be Ok"....and then I know, I grabbed onto the notion that Jesus was RIGHT there - interceding and I could count on Jesus praying for me and the PIT I was in...and I knew, that one day -- I would be OK.    I have been OK for quite some time now.  Healing comes in chunks...and it comes slow, but it comes in HIS perfect time.


So, with that -- I just want to encourage another this eve --

If you are in a crisis of faith -- seek out some JESUS FREAKS....find a place -- a  real church family  that may not 'look' all put together at times ---but they are humble....and they LOVE the Lord...and they are REAL.

 Lord:
I am really tired of the ones that play church.  But I asked YOU  this evening to help me forgive them...as I was one of them for such a long time.  And  thank you,  Holy Spirit  for reminding me, that WHILE I was one of those judgmental churchy ones....I had NO clue that I did not get it.  I was just doing my best...and that is probably what those others are doing -- their best.   Who knows, maybe a 'churchy' one is reading this right now and is asking, 'is she speaking about me?'....Only YOU LORD  can answer that -- I won't.   But there is a way to check themselves.....is there fruit?
Lord, I pray they will ask....
When was the last time I  shared WHAT Jesus did for me?
When was the last time I  prayed with another?
So Lord,  for the one that got me thinking this evening...I pray that one will FIND you -- will understand that church is not about rules...well, maybe that is the church they have seen -- that YOUR church is about a RELATIONSHIP with YOU ...and the rest will fall into place.  God I pray - use me- I am humbled.  Lord, I pray this is NOT about me...only about YOU.
Empty me of me.....fill me with MORE of YOU.
Humbled...Amen.