Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Expecting Day #15

I chose a photo of HP  after playing soccer.  Soccer has brought so much travel, joy, and fun to our lives.  But there is a HARD part to it as well.

 Honestly, soccer played a part of the separation that started between my husband and I.  Business.   Busy. Busy. Busy.  We became so busy with club sports -- with both kids that the enemy was able to get into our lives. Volleyball and soccer.

It just did.  Fact is a fact.

Today I was reminded of something, because a friend of mine is really suffering.  This person is heartbroken and this person is trying their best to survive.

She is thinking that she can't forgive....
She is thinking that she deserves better...
She is thinking that  she won't ever be HURT like this again...
And she does not want to extend mercy --  

This friend is not the women that I have been blogging prayer for -- but she is a women that is just as important as my 'BB'...and she is just as important as the woman reading this that is anonymous....because GOD will use this to encourage and speak to WHOM HE wants.  

No matter what the 'reason' is for the brokenness -- pain is pain.  Life is hard.  This is not our home - this is our temporary home - until heaven.  THERE is where, our hearts will be forever happy.

Before I had full disclosure of what the enemy was using to  destroy our marriage, I was deep in bible studies and deeply searching for answers as to 'our problem'....what could it be?   ....what was it?  ....what could I change?

In a Beth Moore bible study,  in July of 2009, I had this divine experience or meeting with God.  In one of her  (Beth's) realistic  and over the top illustrations -- she used the verse from Isaiah 41.10 -- and the end of it says...."I will uphold you with MY righteous right hand".

Beth went on about 'what if'.....  She had been in a season of her marriage where all of a sudden she was struck with this fear that her husband would eventually leave her for another woman.  And it became an obsession within her prayer time -- never letting it versed to her husband, but the enemy used that time to try and trip her up.  She used that time to SEEK God and thus had this 'over the top' illustration.    If you watch her on programs, I have seen her repeat this story and illustration a few more times on Life Today, and I laugh now -- but I was not laughing then.  

Again, part of the story is, "what if my man had an affair?".   And she goes on and on..."what if...".  She explains that she had this conversation with God and God replied, "well, What if that was true?  What would you do?".  

NOW...this is where it gets real.  She expressed a story that made me laugh - but in was GOD preparing me for a similar conversation that I would have  -several months later.  

She wrestled back and forth and finally told God, "well, I would cry for at least 3 weeks..."
And God said, "then what?"
She replied, " I would cry even more when I found out that my daughters would get along with her..."
And God said, "then what?"
"Well, Lord, I would need lots of chocolate and time by myself and I would probably need some medication for awhile..."
And God said, "then what?"
"And I would probably sell my house, maybe move away, and retreat somewhere..."
And God said, "then what?" 

And finally after going back and forth -- Beth says, "well, I would have to pick myself up, dust off my face, and I would still love you Lord, and I would have to forgive him, and my girls for liking her....and then.... I would dry my eyes....  get back to going to church, and seek You Lord for what is next"....

"Because Lord, when it comes down to it...this is only temporary and my Life with You Lord, is what I crave -- And Lord, YOU would use it for Your glory and I would be fine!" 

I will try and be brief but at that moment - THAT verse  ( Isaiah 41.10) became so alive to me.  I literally looked down to my right hand and I had been holding onto a metal object and I could see the IMPRINT of the object in the palm of my hand -- my skin... had an imprint.  It did.   I knew at that moment - God was RIGHT there with me -- holding my hand -- so hard that there was in imprint in my skin.

The entire verse says:   Fear not, I am with You; be not dismayed, for I am your God!  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

So, I got that verse in July of 2009.  The rest of the summer and fall was  tension filled days, night after night of silent crying, and sleeping on the couch and I am pretty sure that if I went back to REWIND the year - you would see that I probably cried daily or cried out to God daily -- 'what the hell is going on?'

I had started going back to church but I was so tired of being there alone, that I just gave up and watched church on line.  I kept busy, and there were many soccer tournaments to go to - where we could put on the FAKE smiles and pretend that all was well.     Now in retrospect....some 5+ years later....'what the heck was I waiting for?' Oh wait, I know --- God.

I knew I was to be waiting on Him.  I was in counsel with a wonderful woman of God and soaking up all she could teach me, but I could never come home and share it with anyone.  I did any and every bible study I could get my hands on.  There was one on Mondays and I even hosted one  myself on Tuesdays - I FILLED up my nights.   There were moments or  maybe weeks where 'things' would get better   between my husband and I ---- and then, go sour again.  I knew at that point that my husband was in some sort of mid-life crisis...just did not know the entire scope of it.

 I knew I was not going to leave my husband and I kind of figured he wanting nothing to do with me and later - that was proved true....but I share this now not to get pity --but to look back and realize....that was a YEAR of pain....but a year where I had to daily go right back to my Lord and SEEK HIS word and somehow....I got through it.  And by 2010, when the floodgate was opened and truth was revealed -- I may of been CRUSHED but not that verse was memorized and believed.

So, I am sharing this, why?  So my friend knows it will take at least a   year....NO!
Believe me...I would NOT wish that on anyone - I share it to let  my friend know - it takes time.

And I have shared this before- I USED to HATE God's timing, but now I know and realize that  God's timing is best.  And we must trust it.

Sure, THAT is easy for me to say now - that my marriage has been restored and my relationship with my husband now  is something that we never experienced before.  But, I am not naive and I am pretty sure that both my husband and I are targets for the enemy -- so, I am sure that more YUCK will be thrown our way - but this time, we will meet the challenge united with God.

Meanwhile.... back to my live each day with that broken heart or brokenness...

God knows.  YOU are NOT alone. 

  GOD knows -- exactly and HE will make HIS word real to you.   

Lord, I pray that YOUR Word is coming alive to my friend  - AMEN.
And Lord -- may she get that revelation ...that she  know that she is being held by Your righteous right hand.  And Lord, for the other women reading this -- listening to YOU speak to their hearts and heads ....Lord, YOU will  win.  Amen. 

Read Isaiah 41 this evening and think.... will you allow God to imprint HIS love on You?

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