Scenario #5 - It's hard being a woman...

...in the TIGHT fist of fear.

It is hard being a woman in the tight fist of fear.

In my own life -- it took me practically 30+ years to have my eyes opened  to a deeper relationship and love for my Savior.  Presently, I can't wait to be THE BRIDE of Christ -- but for those 38 years, the only bride I wanted to be was Brendan's.

When men would say, 'my beautiful bride'...or make a reference - I melted. I could not stand to read the gushy posts on FB about 'my husband'...or 'my wife'...as it was a too painful at times. 
Watching TV I was a sucker for every romantic movie where the husband adored the wife. When I saw PDA between a seasoned couple ...I would believe their lives were so perfect.  And I wanted that --

Reality --did that ever happen?  It sort of happened in the first 1/3 of our marriage but it was such a shallow devotion. 
I have seen  some couples as  I have lived now almost 50 years -- some very sweet and devoted couples ...but let's face it --

As a woman,  I bet most all of us have secretly  wanted the "Noah and Allie" relationship ...... from the movie ...the Notebook....  and then.....  they die together.    Real Love.  .......Right?

Real Love is what happened on that Cross -- right?

Six years ago, I sat under a dear friend and enjoyed, learned, cried, and participated in  the Esther Bible Study from  Beth Moore and LIfeway. 

This is the 5th Scenario that she teaches  and speaks about.    It is tough to be a woman in the tight fist of fear. 


Six years  ago, as I finished the homework for the week -- I wrote myself a letter.

 You see, I was so tired of smiling and thinking that everything was OK with my marriage.   I knew it was not - something was wrong and I had been convinced I was going crazy - it had to be me.   A person can just 'fake it' for so long.  I truly believed that a mid-life crisis had taken its toll.  We had just grown old and tired.  Both of us.  But I wanted to get it fixed! I wanted to get help and fix it -- but,  there has to be two people that actually want to work on a marriage.  Little did I know how much satan had attacked and left his angels around to destroy us both.

But anyway -- on this particular week, 6 years ago, I got the courage to write myself a letter.  I was not going to live in fear  and take courage in HIM.... I was not one mistake away -- but I knew I was one BRAVE decision away from my destiny.  

I had written my husband a letter in that week, basically asking him to confess whatever it was that was pulling us apart and we 'd get counsel, forgive, and move forward.  I told him I realized he was not in love with me, but that he was not in love with God right now either -- as we had totally disconnected ourselves from a community of believers.    My letter written to him, was about making a choice.  I was desperate.   He was to confess and/or get counsel  or his other choice was that he should move out and we would be separated.   A or B.  I went for a 10 mile walk and came home, after spending time with God and talking to a friend and when the time was right.....

I asked him, what was the choice?

????

And he said, " can I have plan C?".     There is much that transpired at that moment -- but, I was dumbfounded and by that time in my learning -- I knew that if God did not clearly tell me to move or do something else....then I was to HOLD steady with the 'last' thing God had told me to do.

God had told me to show grace and mercy to my husband.

So in God' time...I just waited.

Six years later, I marvel  as Beth tells about God's time... in the waiting...you wait on God.

Esther faced fear and she had a choice.  She had to overcome herself in order to do what God asked of her.
If she sought out the king and he did not hand her his golden scepter ...she would be killed.

If she did not speak up at 'such a time as this'...her entire people would be killed.

I repeated to myself, over and over --  Psalm 138.3 ...  God will finish what He started.

So, I just waited on God.

Now fast forward six years...to bible study a few weeks ago.

  Six years ago,  at  that time, I did not believe that God finished what He started.  What work was that?  ....That He created us both to be HIS and seek and follow Him.   I was growing closer to God but my husband was not --   I prayed God  would finish the work HE started ....and  I held on.

And as I waited .... I fell in love with God.  Just  me and my bible and godly counsel.  It had to be that way.

I had to grow in HIM and be filled with HIM so that a year later, when the GLASS house was shattered and my marriage fell and broke --  I had the  strength that I had when I wrote that letter in the year previous...and more, as now I knew that no matter what - God was  fighting for me and us.


And now -- God won.

We are six years from that desperate letter asking my husband to make choice A or B.
We are five years from  a phone call changed our lives. 
We are different now. 
We don't have a better marriage - we have a different marriage.
 We have a godly marriage with HIM at the center and at our core.  So therefore, we are having the time of our lives! 

So, I share ...and I share this too ---


In the past week, the Holy Spirit has been teaching me something and God has allowed something... I am going DEEPER in my healing and forgiveness -- I am.

I can see in others how Satan can use a 'godly' woman as a pawn.... and I have empathy and godly love for that woman.  I pray that she sees and repents......
It is easy when the person is a stranger.  

But  God asked me again, is there more forgiveness to give another?  

 I have never felt that the person who hurt me and my marriage was a pawn.  I just felt this person was seeking pleasure and it did not matter who was hurt in the cross fire. I had and have forgiven and we have moved on....but was God showing me this person in a new light?  

I remember the day I discovered a blog written by 2 women.  One of the women was the adulterer and the other was the one cheated on.  They have a ministry and reading both perspectives were quite interesting and unreal at the same time.  They both connected at church - each total strangers and built up this wonderful ministry to help others.  

That was Ok.  They were strangers.  

I have prayed and prayed for all the families that have been involved with us.  I have no malice or wish no harm.  I am quite satisfied and yet...I believe the Lord is asking me to go deeper --

I mean -- 'sin is pleasurable ' for a season.....


In the tight fist of fear -- what would I do in the future?
In the tight fist of hurt and pain...what would I of done?
Could I be the one .....that betrays my husband?


I think...that if I say ..."I would NEVER do that"....  well -- I believe I am being prideful.

I believe I need to have the mindset and realize ...all of us are just ONE brave decision away from our destiny...

But, I believe we can also just be ONE stupid decision away from sabotaging our future!

Thank you Lord for healing me and taking me deeper this week --
I believe we were all pawn's in the enemy's plan.  We took the bait  - but no longer.....
Lord, You know my secret prayer -- I will trust you.

And Lord, for anyone reading this -- I pray that it would bring an insight ...

That we make that one brave decision ...

Maybe that one brave decision is to WALK away from that married man and wait.
Maybe that one brave decision is to  turn the  child into law enforcement or a rehab so we don't have to plan a funeral .
Maybe that one brave decision is to pay that tithe - NO matter what!
Maybe that one brave decision is to ask the lawyer to file an extension and fight for the marriage.
Maybe that one brave decision is to GO to the doctor and have that lump tested....

I know this -- when I stand before God -- I want nothing to stand in my way.
That is a chiastic structure....    a reversal of destiny -- I believe in that.  It happened to me.

Thank you God.

My proof?

I know this wedding  would  never of happened ....if there had not been a reversal of destiny.  
Our daughter wrote us a most precious letter.  
It meant the world to both of us.   
I am so proud of the father my husband has been to our first born.  I am so proud to stand next to him and believe that God uses us.  

I think about how much one letter can make a difference -- those written words.  ...Now it is time for me to head to  my most important letter -- HIS love letter to us - the bible.